*Trigger warning: this post shares personal reflections and thoughts around my struggles with SI. It may be distressing if you are actively suicidal or lost someone who was. It also touches on pill use and death of a loved one. It reflects my experience, knowledge working in the mental health field, and tips but should not be taken as medical advice. See this resources I created if you are struggling with SI and need help: SCIFE Mental Health Resource List
I have struggled with mental health issues for as long as I can remember. At 7 I visited my first psychiatrist and therapist who I continued to see throughout my childhood and adolescence. Even at such a young age I was convinced I thought differently than others, something was wrong with me, and surely, I must be “broken.” A classic psyc 101 debate is what factor influences our personality most, is it nature or nurture? I felt, even at such a young age, that I was born different- more emotional, sensitive, and always “too much.” At 33 I now see how it’s both and my genetic makeup combined with how I was raised absolutely contributed to who I am today.
This past January my body started to show me, in extreme ways, I was not okay and needed time to focus on my physical and mental health. One night, leaving work, I wasn’t able to put any pressure on my right leg without immense shooting pain. I cried as I walked from my building and wondered if I would be able to even drive myself home let alone reach the parking structure a ¼ mile away. I had sciatic nerve pain the previous year, but this felt much worse. I moved an inch at a time, and it took me over forty minutes to reach my car. A week later after an MRI and 3 doctor’s visits, I found out I had 3 herniated discs and two were compressing my sciatic nerve. I was given highly addictive pain meds until they could evaluate if I needed immediate back surgery.
At the same time, I was extremely isolated living alone in my tiny studio apartment. I was in too much pain to go anywhere even outside to feel the breeze or catch some sun. I had reactions to the medicine that made my already depressed thoughts much more intense. I knew (because every Dr and pharmacy rep had warned me) how dangerous it was to mix this medicine with alcohol, but I felt compelled to know how much it would take to have a deathly effect. I looked it up and knew what my out would be if I decided I couldn’t withstand the agony I was experiencing in my body and my mind any longer.
What lead up to this point? How did I get so far into a mindset that convinced me this was the only way? This wasn’t the first time I got to a suicidal thought process with intent to harm myself. It was the third time that I had actively become a danger to myself and this time it felt doubly as hard as the first two episodes. A few months before it was the tenth anniversary of my Mother’s death. Even though I spent the day doing ten things she loved and had friends by my side the feeling of loss was immense. It now has been nearly 1/3 of my life without my Mother. What would she think of my life in Los Angeles, that I worked at a film school but lived paycheck to paycheck? Would she be proud of me or think that I was making all the wrong choices in life?
At the same time, I was also working through a complicated relationship. I was very much in love with someone who didn’t share the same romantic feelings for me. We had an intimate lovely connection, but we were both on different pages for what we needed and wanted. The conflict in priorities was highly distressing to me. In addition, he struggled with a lack of attraction to my physical body. I myself struggled with positive body image and was anorexic for most of my teenage years. I have been battling an ongoing chronic illness that drastically changed my body and my ability to eat food without getting sick. It caused an extreme change in the size of my body and ability to eat healthy foods that exasperate the underlying condition. I felt betrayed by my body that was once strong enough to be a competitive Irish dancer, a cheerleader, and could walk up a flight of stairs with no issue. Having this new level of back pain on top of the existing ongoing stomach pain I felt that every day was truly unbearable being in this body.
People often say, “but there are people who love you and would miss you if you were gone.” I have an amazing amount of people who truly love me and supportive friends that anybody would be lucky to have but knowing you’re loved does not stop the pain. I was desperate for someone to save me. I wanted someone willing to check in on me often and to make sure that I didn’t take my own life. A handful of friends and my Aunt did their best to check in on me and be an open ear for listening, but it wasn’t enough.
I was entirely convinced that this life, as it was, was not worth living. My therapist would remind me there are still more things that I could try and to not give up hope that it could still get better. In my absolute darkness I would hold the pills in my hand and stare at them. My body would freeze, and I would be unable to move my arms to swallow the pills. I know this was the greatest act my body has ever done to protect me.
Luckily, I have had a truly amazing therapist for the last 7 years. Not only is she familiar with my mental health history but she was trained in amazing methodologies like EMDR for trauma reprocessing, mindfulness, and family systems work. This was the second time she was my primary support through a suicidal episode. Together we created a safety plan where I had the address for the nearest hospital with a Psyc team programmed into my phone. I also put the National Suicide Prevention Hotline into my favorites and she would remind me I could call or text them 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I knew that when I was in extreme distress, I would not be able to find this crucial information. Having it accessible in my phone and under favorites helped me eliminate the mental obstacle it would be to find it during a crisis.
Even thought I had worked at a community mental health center for 5 years, had been in therapy since I was a child, and had a solid safety plan I still could get into a mindset where taking my life felt like the only option I had left to stop the pain. Eventually I got cortisone shots for my back, stopped the medication that was making me more depressed, and found a long-term mental health treatment program that was covered by my insurance. The thing I would tell myself is “just keep going, try to do one more day” and when I couldn’t think of the next day, I would try the next hour. When I couldn’t imagine surviving the next hour, I tried the next minute and each day was like this for 6 weeks until I started the program.
Once I got into the 8 hour a day treatment program, I was able to devote myself fully to the deep healing work. I had an amazing team of therapists who were teaching me skills like, grounding, communication, emotion regulation, and meditation. I was already very familiar with these topics but giving myself the time away from work, the pressures of life, and even friends helped me fully focus on healing. Before I went into treatment, I could not be alone for more then 24 hours safely. Ironically after my second week in treatment LA was put into the official COVID stay at home order.
I would now be home by myself, cut off from so many of my lifelines, and being doing an intensive treatment program. This was essentially my worst nightmare coming to life. All the benefits and connections I made the first two weeks were now going to be virtual. I worried if the safe healing energy I felt in person could translate over zoom. What I was learning though is that I had to stop looking outside of myself for saving. I started to become grateful for my body in all the ways it was trying to protect me, how it was fighting my ongoing illness, and in reality, was not attacking me but working damn hard to keep me alive.
Towards the end of my treatment my dear friend, and Co-Founder of Self Care is For Everyone, let me know of an amazing opportunity to work with the company’s artists and to help build an art community as their liaison. This role was an absolute dream come true. I could never have imagined a position that combined my love for art, mental health, and community building. It came at a time where I needed something that would bring my joy, was fun, and helped me think about a future beyond the next day or the next hour.
Because I’ve been in such a dark place it’s easier for me to see when someone else is. Having had this life experience it has made me more empathetic that we all have daily struggles whether we show them to others or not. Sometimes we can’t reach out to someone we love dearly if we know they are in pain because we are in pain. Sometimes we only have so much to give and we only have enough for our survival, that is okay. It is okay to take the time you need to build your strength up again. It’s okay to put the rest of the world on hold so you can focus and do some healing work. It is okay not to know how you are going to make it through the next day, but you realize in your heart you want to.
People will often share signs that they are struggling with dark thoughts. Sometimes it feels like a scary thing to reach out to someone when you now they are in pain. One of my favorite things to ask is “Do you want help problem solving, just need to vent, or can I help validate your experience?” This allows the person in distress to tell you what they need at that point and the best way to help them. For instance, if you’re trying to help solve a problem when the person just needs to rant it can feel very dismissive. It’s really easy to want to jump in and help someone by “fixing it” but that might not be what they need. That’s what I thought I needed when in reality I need validation and to know my feelings mattered. When people are in pain, we often want to feel seen, listened to, and to know our feelings are valid.
There’s a great organization, Be There, that shares tools and resources on how you can talk to a loved one if they’re struggling. They suggest the 5 Goldens Rules are a great place to start:
Rule # 1 - Say what you see
Rule # 2 - Show you care
Rule # 3 - Hear them out
Rule # 4 - Know your role
Rule # 5 - Connect to help
I think this is a great starting point to opening up a conversation when someone is displaying signs they are in a dark headspace.
I truly believe I would not be here today if it wasn’t for my therapist. I luckily had someone who I trusted implicitly and who truly had my best interests, well-being, and safety in mind. There are many great way to find a counselor in your area or virtually through telehealth on our website at SCIFE Mental Health Resource List . It’s important to remember that there are resources for every level of ideation. If you are in feeling in immediate danger of self harm going to the nearest hospital is the best solution. If you’ve been having some passing thoughts on SI it might be time to start seeing a weekly counselor.
Self Care is for Everyone has partnered up with 4 amazing organizations this month to bring awareness to suicide prevention Suicide Prevention Month Campaign. All proceeds from this collection will go to the charity the design represents. When I first saw the moto from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention I knew that this was the self-care reminder I needed. The one that helped me through my most challenging moments, keep going. When I look back at these past few months, I see how close I was to making an irreversible choice. I see the people who reminded me they cared even if I couldn’t always feel their love. Most importantly, I see the strength I had to continually remind myself to keep going- one day at a time.
