Celebrity Deaths and Our Relationship to Loss

       

             I, like most people in my generation, was struck deeply when the news of Robin Williams death became public. Here is a man, a mere mortal, who become legend. There are few names that strike such a chord in the heart of many that can inflict such mass emotion when spoken. Especially when coupled with one word that has become so taboo in our society- suicide. In this post I am about to say some things that I know most people won't be able to understand or empathize with. It may also seem to discredit the pain in which many people are feeling with his passing. My intent is only to reflect on my own ideas and beliefs on death as a way to process the impact of his loss for myself and maybe others.

          Although nothing is proven at this point it's believed that Robin may have chosen to end his life. I think it's important to honor the darkness that lives in us all. Sure it is easy to look at a man of such character and recall all the times he inspired you, made you laugh, taught us something about life in the roles he played. That was half the man. The other more private side was open about sharing his challenges with cocaine and alcohol over the course of his life. He describes alcoholism as “It’s just literally being afraid. And you think, oh, [the alcohol] will ease the fear. And it doesn’t.” What was he afraid of? “Everything. It’s just a general all-round arggghhh. It’s fearfulness and anxiety.” That is a part of him as much as anything else.
            So what happens when one man, one human's passing, collectively sends the western world into a state of shock and sadness?  I think death, in general, makes people feel raw and unsafe a reminder of our ultimate demise- nobody wants that. We want to believe we will go on forever and the marker of our success is in job accomplishments, family, and things. I believe each day if a cause for celebration you have been given a gift and it should be honored not wasted. When you think of a death as only a tragic loss and that person should be cherished in remembrance in the deepest most heartfelt way you are minimizing a life to only one part of that's soul journey. I believe in reincarnation so to me one death is a chapter not the whole story.

           Where I start to ruminate on his passing I think of this idea of a mass scale loss versus one of a personal nature such as loosing someone very dear to you. When I went on facebook at about 4:40 my entire feed was news or commentary on his passing. People don't know how to "deal with" and process these feelings so they divulge and do so quickly in hopes of riding themselves of the pain or to somehow find meaning in it. I tried to wait and give myself time to actually look at how it made me feel. Leading to me, 5 hours later, pouring this all out onto a blog.
          As much as I tried to fight it I became angry. Robin was an inspiration to so many people but what about loosing a mother. Arguably a mother is the person most dear to you, the most influential in your life and upbringing (for some- I know this is not the case for all) , and the biggest lost I have ever known. The same can be applied for a father, or sibling, or grandparent anybody who raised you and truly influenced the person you are today- I mean them. The pain of loosing that person is unimaginable unless you've lived it. Why do people so strongly identify with a loss that is not "directly" connected to them? It's the same reason we have celebrities at all we identify with something they have that we want, need, or relate to. It's not really fair to compare the two kinds of loss because they're like apple and oranges under the same umbrella category of grief. I still couldn't help myself from thinking "wait till you loose someone you really love then you'll see." Ultimately that's selfish because who am I judge how much someone's loss effect another- I certainly should not.
            My friend Saman likened Robin to a wounded warrior "you see a man who smiles and laughs and jokes and carries a sadness with him all along, it hits a part of me where I imagine being taken by my art, because it is the only thing that temporarily makes me feel less suffering. For me he was a warrior in many ways, and said himself in many interviews, that he was fighting demons throughout all his acts." As I read more and more comments on facebook I see the different ways in which this man impacted people's lives. Or rather how they interpret one man's life/work/character and then subsequently how it effects their life. 
         Why do people need to do this I wonder? Is it because they have no real schema and experience of tragedy in their own life? My mother's death made me look at my feelings on religion, rebirth, and the afterworld in a way I never could have conceived simply because it wasn't just a thought anymore it was reality. I think about my own death more as a result and I know other motherless daughters do to.  When you haven't experienced a loss like that you don't know how it is. Robin's death, or any celebrity passing, hits a part of you that in unexplored. A unexamined fear that shakes how you are currently looking at the world. You do not think of death you only think of living. When you experience death in a real way when you see it with your own eyes the idea of living becomes symbolically attached to the idea of dying. People are so little use to examining death and what comes next. I think it's shocking to them when it comes up in their faces.

<--  Saman and I had an hour long discussion about Robin's passing which spurred this whole piece because I realized I had so much I longed to say about it. Everyone feels the need to share and vent about this but it doesn't connect us like we want. We feel more isolated by it then ever. We long for a collective feeling that unites us but so stuck in the ideas of the finality of death and the idea of loss we can not overcome it. I think an aspect to it is that we don't get to be there for the funeral and wish his loved ones a sincere "i'm so sorry for your loss" instead we only have the ability to share with one another our sadness.  In response to that Saman said "Yes, the ending of the self. Ceasing to exist. Robin now only exists in my psyche, in my heart. It is a humbling experience to realize that something you once thought was yours can no longer be touched or seen but only felt by the heart."
      For me there are no answers in death only more questions which i'm not afraid to take a cold long hard look at. There is a beauty in death in sense that there is peace and the beginning of some new unknown phase. A soul does not cease to exists because it no longer resides in a living human body.
Maya Angelou says “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Robin Williams was one hell of a story teller and every part of his story, his joy and his darkness, is one we should honor.  

Thanks for the laughs old chap!

 

 

5 Things I Will Not Do After 2 AM

        
        There's a popular episode of the hit show How I Met Your Mother entitled "Nothing Good Happens After 2 Am."   There is even a tumblr feed dedicated to the concept. Sure that seems like it makes perfectly reasonable sense. One thinks to themselves if i'm very late the more chances I can get myself into a bit of trouble. Sometimes we go looking for that trouble we know "we shouldn't" but we can't help ourselves. So in order to help you navigate the murky waters of 2am please read the following guidelines......

1. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS: If we are not friends the other 24 hours of the day we certainly aren't friends only at 2 am. I understand it can be lonely all by yourself in bed at night- get a dog- or a girlfriend. I will support a friend through a drunken night of chaos or a breakup. I will curl up next to a friend and cuddle if they need a shoulder to cry on. I would also do that all the time anytime for a friend. However if your ass is only lonely attempting to be my friend at 2 am you do not qualify- the end.

2. I WILL NOT GO TO YOUR HOUSE: Chances are I already have removed all my makeup, my day clothes, currently have my hair in a messy bun and have brushed my teeth. Unless you can guarantee something absolutely amazing out of this world (and no sex isn't usually a qualifier) I am not getting out of bed. Never mind the re-dressing and trying to look presentable now you want me to drive to you. In LA my first thought is always- and park where?!?!? There ain't parking spots in this city at 2 am your ass better just stay home.

3.THE AFTER PARTY IS NOT THAT GREAT:  I've been to a lot of really great parties in my day especially living in this city. There seems to be this dream that the exclusive few will go somewhere for the 5th round of partying magically match up with someone and find their way home in an air of bliss. This has never happened to me nor have I ever heard of it happening. Most of the time there's a few more cocktails or drugs to be had and then everyone is too tired or to fucked up to move. On the other hand if you go straight home you can still watch an episode of mad men before the sunrises.

 4. EVERYTHING IS CLOSED: There is a reason why everything but fast food places are closed at this hour. You should be home in bed! Fast food is the worst kind of "food" surely you will regret that double mac in the morning or if you're like someone very close to me you will find yourself waking up with toco meat squished into the side of your face. You won't remember  how good all those calories tasted and the grease will only add to the hangover. Try to say no to this one but yes I know it's particularly challenging after a night of madness.

5. I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU: If we did not spend the previous hours leading up to 2 am together this is not the hour for first contact. You are seemingly reducing someone to a booty call. If that is the pre established relationship by all means proceed. If this person is someone you actually may like or be interested be a good person. Do not treat them like a prostitute and ask properly in the morning like a gentlemen. I don't care how "horny" you are or how much "you want me" you should of thought of that before 2am.

I hope these tips will give you the strength to perverse against the desires that tempt you after 2am. In all fairness i'm writing this blog at 4 in the morning but i'm in my 20's I've still got some learning to do ;) 

The Buddha's Battle

       Back at the beginning of the year I made a determination to express myself creatively each day. At the time my intent was to jump start my acting career that had been on hold. However chanting has this amazing sneaky way of giving you other options that are so beyond your real of awareness. My new creative skill came out and surprised everyone as much as myself....I could rap. So as I started to share this information with people outside my inner circle I got lots of laughs but as soon as I rapped even a verse I could see there minds judgment change rather quickly.
       I began writing down lines almost everywhere at a stop light in LA traffic, riding the escalator into work, it seemed once the switch was turned out the flow just came pouring out! They range from partying, to my issues with the government, work, even about the more dark elements of my life I was astonished to say the least. So when Youth Month came about in the SGI I was asked to write a rap for it. Some of my pieces already had Buddhism infused language and I had been meaning to write a specifically Buddhist based rap so I put my mind to the task. About 5 hours over several days I wrote this:
The Buddha’s Battle
I’m trying to be the best kind of person I can be
A bright future is what I want to see
Just trying to figure out what I need
Never giving up this girl won’t concede

Where’s the line between need and want
Trying to understand the puzzle is starting to haunt
My mind, my dream, and everything between
I feel so swayed which way should I lean?

In this whole big city how can one stand out
Even the best would begin to doubt
If they had what it takes
To make a name for themselves

When the darkness overtakes the light
And it hurts to even put up a fight
That’s when you truly begin to see
Your own strength and the power of who you want to be

When it’s hard I remember I’ve got a buddha’s heart
And that’s it’s up to me to always do my part
When my mind whirls with all these questions
I chant to the gohonzen for some suggestions

CHORUS:  A buddha thinks with their heart and mind
                   To establish peace for all human kind
                   Fighting to do our human revolution
                   To change the world is our ultimate solution

We all want to effect Kosen rufu
But remember this undertaking starts with you
It just takes one person to stand up and create change
Don’t think small go big with your range

I know i’m reaching into depths of my heart and soul
to extract as much darkness as humanly possible
So I can shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know my horrendous plight

A true test of character isn’t the day you win
It’s about conquering the struggle and having the courage to begin
To live the fullest life you always imagined
To become your own hero and the stuff of legend

Because life isn’t a game of winners or losers
It’s made up of lovers forget the abusers
Ya gotta love one self before you can open it up
You can’t go any further till you fill up that cup

With positive energy and strong universal flow
Aiding your growth with nam myho renge kyo
You WERE meant for victory and don’t forget IT
Take a step towards the future now that’s the spirIT

CHORUS: A buddha thinks with their heart and mind
                  To establish peace for all human kind
                  Fighting to do our human revolution
                  To change the world is our ultimate solution

We are the bodisattvas of this earth
The ones who reach enlightenment and come back at birth
Ready for another life’s mission to complete
Thanking the universe for this chance to defeat

Generations of family karma and lessons to learn
To practice this buddhism gives you the chance to turn
All of that negativity into positive gain
And to know defeating those obstacles wasn’t in vain.

On March 16th Toda passed the torch to the youth
To create peace in this world and follow their truth
He encouraged all to fight for their own victory
And since that day it’s been part of SGI history

He shared his hopes and dreams with his disciples
And hoped they continue another cycle
Of bringing peace to this conflicted planet
To stop the wars, nuclear weapons and all the panic

In this day Ikeda asks us to illuminate all humanity
Through participating in an Sokka activity
The sutra says “seek the Buddha way”
So I’m asking you- can you start today?

I prepared to preform it all week by listening to the lyrics on my commute to work. Although I fell short of having it 100% memorized for the meeting it was still such an amazing joy to share one of my pieces in public. My goal is always to touch someones heart in any of my creative endeavors. So I think since I've preformed a rap I wrote in public that officially makes me a rapper! Stay tuned this is only the beginning......

"The Darkest Place" A Rap

So this is my most recent rap 2/19/14 I plan on posing older ones soon. It may seem a little depressive or morbid perhaps but its intent is to be a truthful expression of raw emotion.



It’s the darkest place I’ve been in since you left this earth
All of that madness has got me questioning my worth
Sometimes I begin to think it’s all to much to handle
That if I speak about what happened it will create a whole scandal

I’m struck that so many years later it could all still seem so strong
The trauma lives in your very essence till everything you ever know seems wrong
Trying to navigate the world when you can’t even tell which way is up and down
It all keeps spinning turning round and round

Even now my heart is beating so fast it’s like a hummingbird trapped In my chest
All I really want to do it lay my head down and let my body just rest
But my mind is running a million miles a minute
And I feel like I will loose it far surpassing my limit

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Im always trying to reach into the depths of my body and soul
To extract as much darkness as humanly possible
Because with my whole being I truly want to shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know how horrendous has been my plight

When all they choose to see is perseverance and fortitude
I’m trying to ignore their ignorance and not fight back with a bitchy attitude
But no one can ever really understand unless they’ve lived it themselves
So, I just stay caged stuck in my own little compartmentalized cells

There’s no such thing as simply “getting over it” like you think   
That comment is the one that really takes me to the brink
If you could only relate with empathy instead of useless commentary
Nothing you say can take away that cloudy day at the cemetery

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

How dare you claim that she feels of he feels more pain then the rest
Why was no one on my side I was left with this mass of stress
How can a daughter live in the world without her mother
Opinions from anyone and everyone it all began to smother

Lost, curled in a ball, body wrapped in a hand knit shawl
No one says a word they don’t want to make her bawl
Little did they know she had nothing left to feel
Just a vast expansive void and not enough time to heal

It’s taken 4 years and most of the darkness hasn’t gone away
So many times she’s tried, and hoped that this would be the day
To not forget the struggle but somehow make it more bearable
She’s left wondering at this point is she even repairable?

The darkest place is inside you
Better stand up and fight
Happiness has to be earned
That’s a life lesson were all gonna learn

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Dateable VS Fuckable

          In talking with my friends the past few weeks I have been blown away by the fact that so many girls are always left wondering what is the difference between them being somebody a guy would date and somebody who they just want to sleep with. I decided to ask people in my environment (in an attempt to get some answers for myself and my girls) about what they found to be the difference between the two. The results were pretty surprising considering there isn't one straight answer. I put a post on Facebook to see if I could get any of my male friends to simply answer the question and surprisingly, actually not surprisingly because it's VERY revealing about one's character, there was very few responses. Maybe it's because they don't want to share because we're friends but more so I think it's because it's not a conscious thing. I think they tend to think about it as something that happens on a more subconscious level.

        So I took this conundrum to work because I thought 'hey therapists will talk about these kind of things right?' The conversation we had came up with 2 main factors. One being what we defined as the perceived level of sluttiness. Note this does not rely on how sexually active the person actually is but rather how the other person perceives them. The second being desire to date during the daytime. See when you take away the booze there's no illusions of the night and there's less shadiness. Can you picture yourself out in the world with this person in full light where the whole world can see you? I considered this a pretty accurate conclusion but then I found so many more answers based on people's maturity, individualism, and openness to respond truthfully.

         I received a simple text answer from a friend with a mere two words "forbidden fruit" every time he elaborated he just continued with more innuendos but nevertheless I thought it was an interesting response. I do think that the allure of an unknown person would greatly change the desirability of that person. On the other hand there also is an element of time lessening/increasing this person's desirability. Is this person there for a single day or are they going to be in my environment all of the time. People are more willing to take risks when the potential amount of time spent together is lower.

      My favorite answers came from men who I consider having moved passed the immature douchey stage. An old high school friend said "There really isn't a difference between a girl I would date and a girl I would just sleep with because if I were willing to sleep with them then chances are I'd want to date them."My roommate believes it's a combination of having no expectations for any given experience and to let things happen organically. Nothing forced, no set ideas about what's happening, but just to go with the flow and see how things play out. These seem like more mature views a more adult like stance so to say. Both no longer see the point in just "hooking up" unless there is a potential for something more even if it's just casual not monogamous dating.

         The opposite of "adult" is the straight up insanity that is found online. These days the internet provides a plethora of opinions and an open forum to express that ridiculousness without revealing your identity. This "article" from Elite Daily- The voice of generation-Y   The Girls You Hook Up With Vs. The Girls You Marry is an example of a very male driven simple view on this complex topic. I can't tell you how many times I rolled my eyes reading this 20? 40? 75??? I mean it was a lot! The medium of the internet gives the anonymity for people to say what they want to say without judgment of others responses in their face. The following responses all came from a Reddit forum thread and they show various opinions about what guys think in regards to this question. 

Some fast and quick opinions....
Atheleus Availability?
yourhometownsucks Usually about 40 pounds.
gravitykillsbabies  A paper bag
M-Lin Anal
helloreddits456464 About 50 IQ points

You can see here that they really were not holding back anything.
Now this little gem is my favorite response for it's ridiculousness.....
homeboy5925 a hook up (aka a "jump off") is basically anyone who is willing/stupid enough to have sex with you. Dating standards are much higher. Sex is great but at the end of the day I want someone I can smoke weed and watch Hey Arnold with.

Those who think it's purely a looks thing:
tmc_throwaway
-Hookups tend to be based on aesthetics and sexual chemistry alone. I had sex with a lot of women who were absolutely not my type (vastly different interests, beliefs, etc) and it was purely about the physical. If a girl took an emotional shine to me it was a turnoff.  Every new attractive hookup was an affirmation of self, and my batting average was high.
I really don't wanna come off like a misogynist, but I respect a woman more if she doesn't just put out straight away. It's down to trust and I don't think I could trust a girl who would just sleep with me the first time we meet to not do the same with others.
-Date material on the other hand, insofar as my subjective notion of it applies, is a girl who is creative, intelligent, fun, sweet, interesting, etc - all the things my girlfriend is. I love spending time with her, I consider myself lucky to know her, and I trust her. That's the real difference, I guess.

Dresden_skyline

Hot, want to fuck her - hook up.
Hot, want to talk to her, fuck her, do things for her, fuck her, want her to like you, buy her things, fuck her - date.

SixShotSamYou want to sleep with both. You only want to wake up next to one.
SAHDman Attractive? Hook-up. Attractive, smart, and sane? Dating material

"hot" vs. "beautiful."
McWake (WRITTEN BY A FEMALE)
"Hot" or "hook up" worthy is the girl or guy you see at a bar and you really just want to see them naked. You don't really want to have to talk to them. "Hot" is a bar hook-up, or someone's hot body, or a nudie picture. "Hot," I think, is young and temporary and shallow, but, obviously, it is a pretty good thing to be.
"Beautiful" is the man or woman you see somewhere, and you can't help but think "Woah." You want to have coffee with them or wake up next to them or date them for a year. "Beautiful" is solid and it ages nicely and it is the kind of person you really want to date and get to know.
I think that line between hot and beautiful also usually ends up being the line between hook up and date.


Madonna Whore Complex:

"The seemingly conflicting desires that some (but certainly not all) men have for a woman who is experienced in the bedroom and unashamed of showing sexual prowess ("whore"), but at the same time a woman who is wholesome, clean and nuturing ("madonna"), particularly enough to not be branded a "slut"." (urbandictionary) 

It's apparent that this complex is pretty common now a days and it's very polarizing to woman either i'm a slut or a prude. Yet in reality we are everything and nothing we are just people.

WarPhalange The first one I think about while masturbating. The second one I think about while masturbating, and then feel bad about it.Masturbating to a girl reduces her to a sex object. I don't care if it's just some hot chick I have no feelings for or vice versa. But if it's a girl I'd want to date, that means I care about her on some level and would rather not reduce her to a mere sex object.
KCisTall Hookups I worry about whats going in her mouth and Dating i worry about whats coming out.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T
rosAccosted How much respect I have for her as a person.
Seems harsh, but I honestly only feel that undeniable desire to date a girl who thinks and acts in ways I respect. Her thoughts and opinions on the world, how she carries herself and interacts with other people, and the connection I feel for who she is. Finding a pretty face in a crowd isn't tough, finding one I cant walk away from is.
AKA: A bar star might be a nice fuck, but if she cant hold a good conversation and entertaining time with me, shes not going to get any further than that.

Some men feel that intelligence really is a turn on for them and if the girl is not smart they don't want to do it.
kamikaze_tsunami Eh. Just can't really enjoy it if I know she's a complete idiot.
Phallic Let's face it, if she doesn't have her Ph.D yet she's not worth a bang
NawNaw  And I'm just saying a one night stand hook-up is a form of instant gratification (boiling down the courting process to hours) and that intelligence of a mate is more attributed to a long term benefit in a relationship and would be rendered inert if said relationship is less than 24 hours.
angusthebull I want to respect the girl I'm fucking, even on a one night stand.
notthegolfer Oh I'll respect her. That's why I leave quietly. (Douche comment but kinda hilarious)

We all know I think language is sexy but in case you forgot: Words Are Sexy Blog

Some men like to use their intelligence to answer the question:
ShabbySheik
Girl I'd hook up with (I believe I could explain it better with a simple equation.)
(X x 1) + 3 + (A + Y / 2) = Z
X = The girl's level of attractiveness on a scale of 1-10 (Note: A girl can be a zero, as in no attraction whatsoever. In this case, there is no possibility of me sleeping with her.)
Y = The number of months it's been since I've had sex
Z = If Z >= 10 I'm probably willing to sleep with her

Some men weigh the pros and cons:
(This is my overall favorite for most logical, thought-out, and honest response)

BaseballGuyCAA

The best analogy I can think of is the difference between an enlisted member of the Navy and a Navy SEAL. As men, we have two very distinct sets of standards. Generally speaking, the "hookup" standard is anywhere from a tick to a massive chasm lower than the "dating" standard. Want my cock tonight? If you're reasonably attractive, not a total bore/annoyance, and interested, you can make it happen. It's no commitment, so there's no need to delve too deeply into it. Many, many girls can pass the "hookup" standard.
However, dating means commitment. Dating carries a tremendous opportunity cost for the sexually active single male. You are throwing away an unknown amount of pussy, of unknown quality. It's like telling a game show contestant not to take the mystery box. Experience tells you that the prize inside is going to disappoint, but it'll all be worth it that one time when the box has tickets to Hawaii in it. Similarly, your experience tells you that most drunken random sexual partners will range from "mediocre" to "above average," but the fantasy of going home with the double-jointed gymnast overpowers that.
So if a man can find sexual satisfaction while single, the cost-benefit analysis of a relationship is pretty uneven. In order for the perceived benefits to outweigh the perceived costs, the girl in question needs to be an absolute no-brainer. Meeting the bare-minimum hookup standard isn't good enough. You've got to be a total package. Physical attractiveness, intelligence, sense of humor, core values, etc. Sexual compatibility is huge, too.
Just because you meet the hookup standard doesn't necessarily mean you meet the dating standard. It's unfortunate, but true.
The problem is, most women don't operate this way. The gap between "hookup-worthy" and "couple-worthy" is usually a lot smaller. From my experience, if a girl is willing to sleep with you she's at least curious about a possible relationship. If things are going well and you're seeing each other regularly (even if it is only for sex), she takes this as a sign that you want to see her, and things are progressing. Even though there is a better-than-average chance that it's just a sign you want your dick wettened.
          The short version of the above? I'll hook up with just about anyone reasonable. But for me to commit, I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and say "I would have to be absolutely insane to pass on this girl."

        It's taken me over a month to compile this and process my own views enough to form a coherent conclusion. I went on a real date last week one that was planned out, agreed to by both parties, fun and pleasant. No silly business, in the day time, and he paid for my hot chocolate, muffin, and he even brought to the date one of my favorite things, blueberries. There are people who want to date in the traditional sense of the word- it's just taken me over a year to find a single one in this entire city. I think many factors come into each man's personal choice. Level of maturity, I think is a huge one, past encounters and experiences, moving past the the wild college day mentality and growing up a bit, and willingness to be open to something real whether that includes commitment, time, current life focuses etc.The bottom line is there is no one answer each man has their own standard as unique as the person they are.....So sorry ladies you're going to have to figure out each one... there's no golden rule here. Every guy has there own standard for girls that they will date vs girls they just want to hop in bed with. Best of luck deciphering where you fall- the universe knows they don't always make it easy!

Hookup Culture VS Dating

hookup culture:

The era that began in the early 1990s and has since prevailed on college campuses and elsewhere when hooking up has replaced traditional dating as the preferred method of heterosexual liaison.

Example: I'm not interested in any sort of relationship. I just want to enjoy the hookup culture. (Urban Dictionary) 6 people agree

dating:

The modern day battlefield of romance where hearts are won and broken, the not-quite so version of chivalry and wooing, an interview for a lover; the lay down some time-and money and see if you get some candy routine; the progressed game of cat-and-mouse; the human courtship ritual; playing baseball for a home run.

Example: Yeah, I've dated her several times. 1st time was flowers, a movie, and a nice dinner. The second time was a fancy dinner and tickets to an event. And on the third date we saw a movie again and, badda-bing-badda-boom, we had sex before the night was through. (Urban Dictionary)

dating 588 people agree

dating 2:

socially acceptable form of prostitution.

Example: I spent a $30 for a movie, before the first base. A $50 for lunch, for the second base, and a $70 on a romantic dinner before we cut to the chase. (Urban Dictionary) 1,682 people agree

     To start the definition that I like the least had the most likes dating=prostitution..... Now sure you'll say Shannon but this is data/info from urbandictionary not life. Well let me share.... I was enjoying a nice dinner with a dear friend who I haven't been able to girl chat with for months. We equally had about half a years worth of "guy stories" to share and as these tales unraveled I was so struck. Struck with the feeling that as both attractive, educated, fun women we had nearly identical experiences of be courted and dropped like a bag of trash you throw in a dumpster when you're "done." Even if I didn't have enough self worth and confidence in myself (which I do) here is this knockout blonde sitting across from me telling the same tale.

     We spent a good 3 hours discussing the pros and cons of truth vs seduction and you can read my thoughts mentioned here: Truth VS Seduction Blog. I think ultimately a relationship of the most sincere truth is the only way to go but what if you can't even get that far because you won't put out on date 3 where does that leave you?  Why date 3 ?!?!? all the posts on urban dictionary mention date 3 like it's some magical number society has deemed appropriate. After 3 dates you know someone moderately well so now we won't judge you and call you a slut or whore for having sex. I can say that within minutes of meeting someone I know if i'm into them enough to ever seriously consider sleeping with them but dating someone has become different and not the way people test out if they like each other.

    Let's introduce Barney's from How I Met Your Mother lemon law logic:

Lemon Law Tuesday, November 15, 2005, 11:49am                                     Check it. New thing. The Lemon Law. On a blind date and realize whoever set you up with this uggo is truly not your friend? You're free to go. Walk into a coffee shop and spot a muffin top spilling all over the hottie you've been chatting with online? Walk away, my friend. Eject. Abort. Do not pass Go. The Lemon Law allows you to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. Consider it a hall pass for dating. 

 

       In some ways I would be totally down for that. Your not into me I'm no into you so let's bail no hard feelings and peace out. But instead as Joan from mad men says: "Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate." So I find myself doing the most insane things "just to see" or "make sure" that they do in fact don't actually give 2 fucks about me. Does that put me in the wrong as well- of course but that's my shit. In 2013 there are fewer societal restrictions on going out in comparison to say eras with chaperones and no one ever being in social situations alone with the opposite sex rules. There has to be some middle ground between all out anything goes and the strict stigma related shaming of the past.  

     My friend and I came to no real conclusion that night other then we have no idea why finding someone is so hard. Then today I came across this hilarious gem:  why chivalry is dead from a mans perspective and thought well he makes one solid point. "Eventually, I feel that women will wise up and start asking for the things that they deserve, the things used to be automatic and expected of men, like holding a door, pulling out a chair, and paying for dinners. Until then, men are going to get away with putting in the bare minimum and receiving what we ultimately want anyway – sex." this lead to a massive facebook debate both genders battling out their points. 

      It rang true for me and what I had been experiencing but the male's comments opened up my ears that they also don't want to be "used" in the process. My favorite comment being "Sounds like the women don't want to be used as sex objects and the men don't want to be used as meal tickets" now there's some truth. But how can a women define herself when words like this exist: 
Hook Up Bitch:

Hook Up Bitch: a female that men use for sex but is not suitable for serious dating

Example: Stephie ain't my girlfriend; she's my hook up bitch.

Wow so this person is usable like a toy and I would guess most of the time these womaen aren't entering into the situation knowing they are a hook up bitch. I'm all for getting down in a casual away if both parties are aware of that but it seems like more and more one sided. There is this idea of well I can't possibly get someone who will have manners, treat me with respect, and love me so I subtle for what I can get. I've done it my friend was doing it and for what? The hope that one day one unknown time in the future it will be different? better? actually amazing?

       I don't like that every date I've attempted to have in the past 2 months has resulted in a guy sending my dirty pictures of them or bailing last minute. I want to go and meet someone go on an adventure and have an experience. Maybe it will be a blast maybe it will be shitty but it will be REAL not a text message chat or bs -well you can come to my house and "hang out" kind of date. I just want to date like go on real dates places and have fun. Maybe one day in the future I'll want a commitment but now I just want to experience something real and not be someone's hook up bitch or date prostitute. I'm sending a call to everyone let's keep the standard the gold rule: One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself. Be nice, be kind, and want to give someone a nice experience on a date genuinely and not because there may be some kind of pay off. Or you can just be like this guy.....

  
   

Black VS White How Our Cops STILL See People

Dear World,
         I have had so much joy in my life since my friend moved to LA last week. He’s black but that never has been a factor in our friendship. To me I see his creative passion and determination. Today it has become a factor because this is NOT OKAY! For the umpteenth time in his life he had his shit thrown around and searched pinned and was in the back of a cop car simply because he’s black. It was santa monica blvd broad daylight and he was walking home from a dance audition- this is our city this is our world.
          Two days he ago he had a mini freak out when he realized I had been driving around knowingly with one head light out. I made a joke about my white girl privilege because “nothing has happened to me yet” he said “it would have with my black ass driving around this posh neighborhood.” I knew he was right his countless examples of incidents that have occurred in his life have proven to me how skewed our experiences are in relation to race. After every incident when I, in my ignorance, say “but why???  I don’t understand why?” he responds with a sincerely solum “I don’t know Sue i’m just black.”   
        When cases like Trayvon Martin happens it upsets me to the root of my social justice heart. For him it means to seal a fate that one day the same will happen to him. With each incident he fears more and more ‘will I be able to get away alive from this one?’ One wrong move, one mis judgment, and someone could kill him just because he’s living in a place, walking down a street, or happens to “look” like someone whose done something (only matching description... the color of his skin). 
          I walk around with no thought in mind that I’m going to be stopped unless I’m doing something wrong and I know it (carrying an open container of booze in my purse for hypothetical instance). He was so set on getting his California ID immediately upon getting here. I knew from HIS stories an ID becomes a golden ticket of proof that I “legally have a right to be here in this city/neighborhood see this card had an address and my name that WON’T show up on your database as a criminal.” He always walks with a small voice in his head saying beware they might stop you.
        He casually mentioned this morning his house key might be missing because of “his scuffle with the cops.” He didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to acknowledge that even here in Los Angeles once of the most diverse cities in America it was STILL HAPPENING. I had said when he debated moving here that “It’s different here there are so many kinds of people it shouldn’t be an issue.” I’ve been proven wrong as I sit here so saddened in my heart that he has to deal with this- again.
         I can’t claim to know what being randomly stopped, having my stuff thrown and searched by one cop, as i’m pinned up against a car by a second cop feels like. I do know what the back of a cop car feels like being cadged liked a wild animal whose been “bad” my crime had been being out past town curfew at 16- but what is his crime?!? They claimed the description was for a black man with braids. Well he is black but he has dreads. He is also one of the skinniest tinniest men with a bizarre sense of fashion that never screams “i’m up to no good.” Most likely there was no person they were looking for (they always say that) but “People with braids don’t walk around this neighborhood a lot” said one cop.

       He didn’t fit their vision of what the color of the neighborhood is suppose to look like. Even though he is EXACTLY what weho is.... proud, loud, gay, and amazing. If anything I don’t “fit” into what my area is as a straight, white, girl, who likes to stay home at night and watch Jane Austen movies. Either way all of that is JUDGEMENT- very skewed unrealistic judgement. I thought in this modern age most individuals were like me and saw people as people with different color skin but no longer were archaic to only see a person’s color not them as human being. To me he look likes someone who wouldn’t hurt a fly, got his bad boy stage out years ago, and is “hustling” in the best kind of ways for a future career in movies.
      The thing that confuses me the most is the elevated of aggression. Why toss his stuff, and throw him up against the car. Why anger- why hate? I’m sure there is a way to examine a bag, and question a person, without all the added hostility. There has to be a different way- this is 2013 not the 50’s. Most importantly please beware this is still happening all the time and not just dramatized media coverage on the TV but in real life like 3 blocks from by apartment with my best friend who happens to be black, have dreads, and kinda sorta looks like a guy the cops “might” be looking for. We allow this to happen in the name of safety but who is really getting hurt in the end?

This is just a small clip at the end of the incident there is "no explanation" of why no specifics just vague BS.