Living for this Moment in LA

        Today I had one of the most beautiful experiences I have had in awhile. It was one of those moments when you feel like the universe is completely aligned and for that second you are exactly where you should be and it's so right. Kish and I were going to a gosho (writings of Nichiren Daishonin) study meeting at a fellow members house. I had a feeling it was going to be amazing when the street name was viewsite terrace. If you have ever driven in the hills of LA it feels like scary death- the roads are tiny and turning/parking is a nightmare luckily this morning I was not driving. I proclaimed "i'm sure the view is nice but it it really worth the hassle."

Roomies

        Once we walked in the front door there was a direct open view to LA in all it's glory! I leaned over to Kish and said "I take it back....it's totally worth it." I had to remind myself my mouth was agape. There were treasures from around the world and gorgeous art hanging beautifully. I don't want to say exactly whose house it was but wikipedia says "He is generally acknowledged to be jazz's greatest living composer." As we chanted the breeze rustled the room and the sunshine shone perfectly. It was a truly indescribable moment I was so beyond happy and eternally grateful for where I am.
         At one point in chanting we always honor the dead and I started crying I was just so overjoyed and I thought I so desperately want to share this with my mother, I know she would be proud of me. It's the hardest time and the best times that really make you miss someone you love. The writing was about overcoming deep struggle. The part that resonated with me most deeply was "The hardships along the way were worse then I imagined, and indeed more then I can put writing. I will leave you to surmise what I endured. But I have been prepared for such difficulties from the onset."It was exactly how I felt about my life in LA.
      Another part was "You who are presently suffering also posses within you the power to overcome that suffering." I cried pretty much the entire discussion silently but it was unavoidable (note the puffiness in the pictures). I know the struggle has made me strong and victorious I would never take any of it away. Am I completely sick of eating Romen and trying to decide if I can afford juice this week, ya, but am I still happy... yes. I cried for the struggle and the current successes I am having with my work situation. I cried for the loss of my mother and her support I so deeply cherished. I cried for my new job and how it will change my situation. It's a bizarre feeling to be so intensely happy and sad simultaneously. For that 2 hours I felt so alive, so in the moment, so blessed, and so content.

Vinessa and I pretty in purple!

Moving Forward: My New Job

Ok... so I have been hesitant to announce this for deep fear of something going awry but I have a new job!!! It was a deep dark battle between fate, fundamental darkness/fear, luck, and my charming personality. The story begins when my dear friend Jaffe mentioned to me one of her Cirque friends announced a job opening at his work for a client coordinate position. The pay was good and it's a night position 4 to 10 which leaves perfect hours to wake up chant, exercise, and then go to auditions. This was exactly what I wanted my gut said "This is the job that will change everything." I immediately sent out my cover letter. I chanted that I would get interview because that's where I excel not really on paper. One day I returned from work to see a email saying "interview cancelled" flabbergasted I read "Since we have not heard from you we gave your spot away." The first email sent at 1 that afternoon invited me in for an interview. The second email was only 4 hours later but I had been working and don't have a smart phone. I emailed back with times I could come in but was told it wasn't necessary. I felt sooooo beyond defeated. The next day I got an email that my student loan was overdue. See I have been paying my private loan for 2 years now but NOT my federal loan. After my Mom died my father graciously put down a chunk of money so I wouldn't have to pay it every month and that money has run out and my repayment was over due. 500 bucks a month in 2 loans I was beyond screwed. I realized I was never going to get a new job till I stood up for myself getting a raise at my current job. See I got a promotion but no raise and it was more about standing up and taking charge of my life more then anything. That experience was another hellish experience not worth retelling. I made a plan with a Buddhist friend on Monday to talk about why I was chanting so sincerely with no success. I love the morning tosos because is like 30 random people of all types trying to change their lives and actually doing something about it. We chanted for 1.5 hours then talked for 20 minutes then I chanted another hour. I went home and crashed... I slept till 1 I woke up and there was an email asking me to come in for an interview the next day. By some miracle I was actually scheduled 1/2 hour later then the interview time. It was super rushed but I made it without even getting a point for tardiness. I was contacted for a second interview but I had work so I literally went on the interview during my lunch it was madness but somehow did the whole thing from clock out to in in one hour and 15 minutes the earliest possible ETA I came up with in my planning. The references was the trickiest part considering the east coast and people's schedules it was a lot of phone tag and at one point I was told they were going to have to make a decsion without a key reference. I wrote a sincere email saying I hope that didn't jeopardize my opportunity to work there etc etc and the next day that reference ended up happening. That afternoon I heard officially.... I wanted to shout from the roof tops but my logical side has kept it in wanting to make sure it was all real first. I am soooooo happy this opportunity could really change my position here in LA from poverty to a life. I also am staying on at Bloomies to help get out of this debt and stay around all the people I love there. Sometime you don't know what the universe has in store for you. Sometimes you can't even begin to imagine what way you'll end up getting what you need. Sometimes it's all just working out the way it should and I'm overjoyed about it all.

My Novel

Ok I can't disclose the title because it's very revealing. I can disclose the general idea which is telling the story of my life and adventures from the end of college up until me leaving for LA. If you were in my life during this time you know that it was pretty epic. When I was talking to my new friend Colleen about my goals and ambitions as a film actress she kept asking all the devil's advocate questions about it. Eventually I disclosed that awhile back I started writing a book and I want that book to become a screenplay and turn into a movie that I can star in. Who knows how to act my story better then I do right? I said "better then having an Oscar for best actress how AMAZING would it be to have one for playing myself." Then I thought what if I got a 2nd Oscar for adapted screenplay to which Colleen added why not make it 3 and you can win best motion picture too. WOW.... now that's a mother fuckin gigantic goal and I want to take that on. The goal is to finish the novel by the end of September (super ambitious) and that I must write at least 2 paragraphs a day. Yes!!! this is a goal that at the moment takes no money just time and I am completely passionate about it. More updates to come :)

Leaving LA

When I think of even the possibility of having to leave LA my heart breaks and I burst into tears. I know now and have known ever since going home that this is where I want to be more then anything. Ever since I was 16 I knew it had to be LA. My life is here, my chance of acting is here, what I need to do is here. Maybe I haven't been appreciating the great opportunity it is to even be here because i'm not acting just surviving. It's really hard when you heart/soul knows what it wants but for whatever reason you can't have it. I have been chanting so fiercely for the next steps to happen and then I get thrown waaaay back with the addition of the second student loan. I know I can succeed I just don't know HOW yet. It's hard to live in constant fear so it must be time to let the fear go??? is that the answer??? what would my Mom say?!?!? I just need some guidance!

Boo Ya Brunch Baby

I have had a deep deep craving for like an all you can eat breakfast buffet ya know New England style. A: there aren't really this kind of thing here. There are awesome breakfast places like the Blu Jam Cafe that's all organic breakfast stuff but it's like one plate you got to make one choice ya know? B: Buffets in general are not really an LA thing most people don't eat here and they especially don't indulge in that kind of glutness behavior unless it's alcohol or drugs (of course). After a great morning being a Byakuren and helping members during our World Peace prayer meeting I met the ladies and we went to Marmalade Cafe. This is what I ordered:

French toast with bananas and strawberries and epically good hash browns. We had a pitcher of Bellinis and then Mamosas complete with one big spill. They also had iced jasmine tea :) It wasn't endless or a buffet but is sure was damn good! Since I have been eating minimal food I was super ready to like crazy indulge with one really satisfying meal and it completely was. Afterwards we went back to their house for a little Drive watching I mean honestly I will watch anything with Ryan Goseling at any time. Then I headed over to a fellow member for Roberta's going away party. I have only like 6 people who I would really call a friend here and she was one of them....booo. However I am so insanely happy for and the dream she gets to live out. Even though it's only been 3 months or so I feel like I learned a lot from her in terms of being a strong Bodhisattva and Byakuren in general. Considering I had 3 really awesome amazing days in LA week I am now deeming this my best LA week to date - maybe this has to do with the hours and hours of chanting I have been doing for making new friends and relationships :)
 Ps the leftovers were an amazing lunch today :)

Karaoke, a Speak Easy, and Atary

There are some nights just made for greatness.... when you work so hard you know the universe will reward you with such a night eventually. On the coattails of a wonderful Wednesday in with Kish where we just totally mellowed out with music painting and she made an epic casserole. I bought some wine and I actually just immersed myself in the creative for several hours. Without doing something artistic I really feel like my soul dies till it's rejuvenated with acting/painting/music/dance. I worked Thursday but planned to go out afterwards with Flashdance at first people had bailed so it was going to be just girls but by the time I arrived there were some guys (score). They were leaving Brass Monkey...ya know that funky money..... the karaoke bar to head to a speak easy (score again). Legit there's an all black building you knock on a locked door a screen opens you say the code in this case "I smell burnt hair" and you're ushered in (score).

 It was awesome it's literally so dark you can barely see. To my slight disappointment there was no one waxing poetic on stage but instead a DJ and a chance to play old school Atary games (score) and if you beat your own low score you got a red velvet cupcake (double-score) a drink if you beat the high score...very hard to do. At one point I was sitting across from a guy, who i'll call Topher, silently singing 80's rock songs to each other (triple score). As the night progressed we pretty much spent the entire time talking and hanging out. I forgot what it was to just so instantly connect with someone where you can talk for hours and it seems like minutes. At one point a game of truth or dare started up when it came around to me feeling particularly cheeky I picked dare (no hesitation) it was to act super drunk and pretend to throw up in a group of people we weren't currently near by...after my performance one fellow actor deemed it "totally believable and Oscar worthy" (score7million). Amongst colleagues that was awesome even if it was just goofing around. Eventually we ended up back at Brass monkey with a bunch of drunk people. The first week I got here I heard about Koreatown karaoke and obviously since I possess a deep passion for karaoke I knew one day I would end up there. I asked Topher: "You don't ever sing karaoke" Him: "Lets' just say I'd be the perfect guy to date an actress" Me: "oh really?!!? why?" Him: I'm the perfect audience" several minutes after me insisting how much actors love to be the center of attention :) Flashdance put in for a song but wouldn't tell us what it is... just an ominous "you'll know it when you hear it." It was the backstreet boys lol and even the drunk girls came up and bombed our song. One was literally ON THE FLOOR thrusting and spreading her legs open fatal attraction style.... dude you are to old to being doing that...actually you shouldn't be doing that EVER lol however it was extremely amusing to me. It was a really awesome night and I was really happy driving home passing the LACMA light post exhibit on my way back to Weho sometimes I REALLY LOVE THIS PLACE!!!