Becoming Joan

            I have now deemed my new actress role model to be Christina Hendricks. If you have ever watched mad men you can see the persuasive power and sexiness Christina as Joan has throughout the show- she is so frickin awesome. For a few months I was struggling with the idea that I could not be "me" fully at work. Sometimes I want to wear something not in dress code, or spend more then 2 minutes talking to a counselor, and sometimes, I know this one is a shocker, I am not 100% pleasant, joyful, and smiley like my jobs reacquires me to be. I felt so torn from the way I wanted to be and the way I needed to be in order to perform my job well and somewhere in that inner turmoil I made a choice- I will play a character.
    I had already been dabbling with incorporating Joan like qualities into my somewhat similar job of running the center at night. If there is anything truthful about the myths about secretaries it's that they have all the power and knowledge and none of the recognition. I would dress with small retro touches, use subtle suggestion to get the results I needed, and kept up this illusion that I had everything together and under control. I am still utterly shocked when I confess how close I was to loosing it at work and people say "I had no idea you seemed so cool and collected."
           I only fully came to the realization that I had somehow along way made a choice when one college said "You know you sound totally different on the phone like it isn't even you talking" I replied "I know I do it on purpose. Since I can't always be how I want to be or how currently feel which may be sad, angry, hurt etc I am just going to be a character- I'm Joan" he seemed to take this as a satisfactory answer and dropped it. I on the hand was shocked with what had just come out of my mouth clearly my conscious brain was now becoming aware of something my sub conscious has been doing for the past month or so- faking it.
         See like Joan I wield a great deal of power over how things runs because I am in charge of all the rooms and scheduling. I always try my hardest to be fair and equal but you can't tell me someone who gave you a birthday gift and someone who always gives you attitude will fall equally on the likability spectrum- we're human that's just not possible. It's a balancing act between being strong and resilient and being open and friendly. It's a challenge for even the most well rounded individual.
        So today I was particularly not very cheerful after being in a bit of a slump the past week. I found out a decision that effects my future and it's wasn't entirely favorable... I cried. I can not help myself from crying if I feel it it's coming up no matter how potentially embarrassing the environment like lets say an office where a hundred people come and go it can not be contained. I really tried to calm myself I even said I didn't need to take a break but then a friend insisted. I went to the bathroom and let myself bawl my eyes out for one minute to just release it. I literally had a vision in that moment of Joan crying in this one episode after being teased. One minute is all you get then you pull yourself together fix your makeup put on a smile and you go back to work. I unfortunately haven't been wearing makeup and didn't have any with me so there was no hiding these swollen eyes.
         I went to my desk and I smiled and in my head I sang this old charlie chaplin song "Smile though your heart is aching Smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll see the sun come shining through For you" it helps. Sometimes we don't get to be what we want to be in a given moment so all you can do is the best you can and I learned that from Joan  she says “This is why I don’t allow crying in the break room. It erodes morale. There’s a place to do that, like you’re apartment.” - in a world of power and struggle she found a way to survive and be the envy of all the girls while doing it. I'm still trying to find my way but for now I'm just going to stay in character.

5 Ways I'm Like Joan:

1- She's know what she wants and isn't afraid to ask, push   boundaries, or find a more coy way of getting it
2- She's sexy but covered always classy
3- She can run the entire show and make it look like child's play
4- She knows everything about everything and everyone and yields that power gracefully
5- She's the one everyone wants to pigeonhole but actually she is too dynamic to figure out

More Joan Wisdom:

 "Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate. "

" Well I learned a long time ago to not get all my satisfaction form this job."

Joan (to Peggy): "No matter how powerful we get around here, they can still just draw a cartoon. So all you've done is prove to them that I'm a meaningless secretary, and you're another humorless bitch."

“I was just made Director of Agency Operations. A title, no money of course. And if they poured champagne, it must have been while I was pushing the mailcart.”               

“Fun-loving girl, responsible sometimes. Likes to laugh, lives to love seeks size six for city living and general gallivanting. No dull moments or dull men tolerated.” 

5 Ways I'm like Christina:

1- She's not trying to be a size 2 twig she enjoys having curves
2- She is proud to show off her glasses and makes them look sexy she will even rock them on the red carpet
3- She won't put up with being called different, full figured, or fat she fights back saying i'm a women period
4- She takes her acting roles seriously and is all about creating the character
5- She's been nominated for emmy's and won SAG awards! (ok I haven't done that yet...but just wait)

More Christina Wisdom:

"I don't think any woman in the world could get tired of being compared to Marilyn Monroe."

" I think Joan's advice would be: always know more then anyone else, always be discreet as possible. And never cry at work"

"I thought, well, you might see curves there, but that's just a bone- so even if I lose weight that's not going to change anything. That's how I look. That's my shape. Do the math."

"I've always been someone who really watches other people, human behavior. To watch it and be able to express it through your version has always been really exciting to me"