5 Things I Will Not Do After 2 AM

        
        There's a popular episode of the hit show How I Met Your Mother entitled "Nothing Good Happens After 2 Am."   There is even a tumblr feed dedicated to the concept. Sure that seems like it makes perfectly reasonable sense. One thinks to themselves if i'm very late the more chances I can get myself into a bit of trouble. Sometimes we go looking for that trouble we know "we shouldn't" but we can't help ourselves. So in order to help you navigate the murky waters of 2am please read the following guidelines......

1. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS: If we are not friends the other 24 hours of the day we certainly aren't friends only at 2 am. I understand it can be lonely all by yourself in bed at night- get a dog- or a girlfriend. I will support a friend through a drunken night of chaos or a breakup. I will curl up next to a friend and cuddle if they need a shoulder to cry on. I would also do that all the time anytime for a friend. However if your ass is only lonely attempting to be my friend at 2 am you do not qualify- the end.

2. I WILL NOT GO TO YOUR HOUSE: Chances are I already have removed all my makeup, my day clothes, currently have my hair in a messy bun and have brushed my teeth. Unless you can guarantee something absolutely amazing out of this world (and no sex isn't usually a qualifier) I am not getting out of bed. Never mind the re-dressing and trying to look presentable now you want me to drive to you. In LA my first thought is always- and park where?!?!? There ain't parking spots in this city at 2 am your ass better just stay home.

3.THE AFTER PARTY IS NOT THAT GREAT:  I've been to a lot of really great parties in my day especially living in this city. There seems to be this dream that the exclusive few will go somewhere for the 5th round of partying magically match up with someone and find their way home in an air of bliss. This has never happened to me nor have I ever heard of it happening. Most of the time there's a few more cocktails or drugs to be had and then everyone is too tired or to fucked up to move. On the other hand if you go straight home you can still watch an episode of mad men before the sunrises.

 4. EVERYTHING IS CLOSED: There is a reason why everything but fast food places are closed at this hour. You should be home in bed! Fast food is the worst kind of "food" surely you will regret that double mac in the morning or if you're like someone very close to me you will find yourself waking up with toco meat squished into the side of your face. You won't remember  how good all those calories tasted and the grease will only add to the hangover. Try to say no to this one but yes I know it's particularly challenging after a night of madness.

5. I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU: If we did not spend the previous hours leading up to 2 am together this is not the hour for first contact. You are seemingly reducing someone to a booty call. If that is the pre established relationship by all means proceed. If this person is someone you actually may like or be interested be a good person. Do not treat them like a prostitute and ask properly in the morning like a gentlemen. I don't care how "horny" you are or how much "you want me" you should of thought of that before 2am.

I hope these tips will give you the strength to perverse against the desires that tempt you after 2am. In all fairness i'm writing this blog at 4 in the morning but i'm in my 20's I've still got some learning to do ;)