Celebrity Deaths and Our Relationship to Loss

       

             I, like most people in my generation, was struck deeply when the news of Robin Williams death became public. Here is a man, a mere mortal, who become legend. There are few names that strike such a chord in the heart of many that can inflict such mass emotion when spoken. Especially when coupled with one word that has become so taboo in our society- suicide. In this post I am about to say some things that I know most people won't be able to understand or empathize with. It may also seem to discredit the pain in which many people are feeling with his passing. My intent is only to reflect on my own ideas and beliefs on death as a way to process the impact of his loss for myself and maybe others.

          Although nothing is proven at this point it's believed that Robin may have chosen to end his life. I think it's important to honor the darkness that lives in us all. Sure it is easy to look at a man of such character and recall all the times he inspired you, made you laugh, taught us something about life in the roles he played. That was half the man. The other more private side was open about sharing his challenges with cocaine and alcohol over the course of his life. He describes alcoholism as “It’s just literally being afraid. And you think, oh, [the alcohol] will ease the fear. And it doesn’t.” What was he afraid of? “Everything. It’s just a general all-round arggghhh. It’s fearfulness and anxiety.” That is a part of him as much as anything else.
            So what happens when one man, one human's passing, collectively sends the western world into a state of shock and sadness?  I think death, in general, makes people feel raw and unsafe a reminder of our ultimate demise- nobody wants that. We want to believe we will go on forever and the marker of our success is in job accomplishments, family, and things. I believe each day if a cause for celebration you have been given a gift and it should be honored not wasted. When you think of a death as only a tragic loss and that person should be cherished in remembrance in the deepest most heartfelt way you are minimizing a life to only one part of that's soul journey. I believe in reincarnation so to me one death is a chapter not the whole story.

           Where I start to ruminate on his passing I think of this idea of a mass scale loss versus one of a personal nature such as loosing someone very dear to you. When I went on facebook at about 4:40 my entire feed was news or commentary on his passing. People don't know how to "deal with" and process these feelings so they divulge and do so quickly in hopes of riding themselves of the pain or to somehow find meaning in it. I tried to wait and give myself time to actually look at how it made me feel. Leading to me, 5 hours later, pouring this all out onto a blog.
          As much as I tried to fight it I became angry. Robin was an inspiration to so many people but what about loosing a mother. Arguably a mother is the person most dear to you, the most influential in your life and upbringing (for some- I know this is not the case for all) , and the biggest lost I have ever known. The same can be applied for a father, or sibling, or grandparent anybody who raised you and truly influenced the person you are today- I mean them. The pain of loosing that person is unimaginable unless you've lived it. Why do people so strongly identify with a loss that is not "directly" connected to them? It's the same reason we have celebrities at all we identify with something they have that we want, need, or relate to. It's not really fair to compare the two kinds of loss because they're like apple and oranges under the same umbrella category of grief. I still couldn't help myself from thinking "wait till you loose someone you really love then you'll see." Ultimately that's selfish because who am I judge how much someone's loss effect another- I certainly should not.
            My friend Saman likened Robin to a wounded warrior "you see a man who smiles and laughs and jokes and carries a sadness with him all along, it hits a part of me where I imagine being taken by my art, because it is the only thing that temporarily makes me feel less suffering. For me he was a warrior in many ways, and said himself in many interviews, that he was fighting demons throughout all his acts." As I read more and more comments on facebook I see the different ways in which this man impacted people's lives. Or rather how they interpret one man's life/work/character and then subsequently how it effects their life. 
         Why do people need to do this I wonder? Is it because they have no real schema and experience of tragedy in their own life? My mother's death made me look at my feelings on religion, rebirth, and the afterworld in a way I never could have conceived simply because it wasn't just a thought anymore it was reality. I think about my own death more as a result and I know other motherless daughters do to.  When you haven't experienced a loss like that you don't know how it is. Robin's death, or any celebrity passing, hits a part of you that in unexplored. A unexamined fear that shakes how you are currently looking at the world. You do not think of death you only think of living. When you experience death in a real way when you see it with your own eyes the idea of living becomes symbolically attached to the idea of dying. People are so little use to examining death and what comes next. I think it's shocking to them when it comes up in their faces.

<--  Saman and I had an hour long discussion about Robin's passing which spurred this whole piece because I realized I had so much I longed to say about it. Everyone feels the need to share and vent about this but it doesn't connect us like we want. We feel more isolated by it then ever. We long for a collective feeling that unites us but so stuck in the ideas of the finality of death and the idea of loss we can not overcome it. I think an aspect to it is that we don't get to be there for the funeral and wish his loved ones a sincere "i'm so sorry for your loss" instead we only have the ability to share with one another our sadness.  In response to that Saman said "Yes, the ending of the self. Ceasing to exist. Robin now only exists in my psyche, in my heart. It is a humbling experience to realize that something you once thought was yours can no longer be touched or seen but only felt by the heart."
      For me there are no answers in death only more questions which i'm not afraid to take a cold long hard look at. There is a beauty in death in sense that there is peace and the beginning of some new unknown phase. A soul does not cease to exists because it no longer resides in a living human body.
Maya Angelou says “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Robin Williams was one hell of a story teller and every part of his story, his joy and his darkness, is one we should honor.  

Thanks for the laughs old chap!