What a Birthday means to a Motherless Daughter

           I'm 2 weeks away from my 28th birthday and I feel ancient. I know in reality i'm still quite young and there are so many more life lessons I have yet to experience. But to a motherless daughter a birthday is a countdown- my mother died at 48 which means as of the 23rd I have 20 years left to live. Yes, we understand it's not realistic, highly improbable in fact,  that one would die the exact year as their mother but yet it feels as if are birth date just marks us one year closer to our death date. In a twist of bonded fate my mother's birthday and mine are a week apart. Both born In January, both aquarius, and we both had the same eye glass prescription but in reverse. I have the same snaggle tooth she had and a similar passion for working with kids with special needs.
      
             My first birthday without her was suppose to kick off my golden year. You take the day you were born and that year is suppose to be the most magical, in my case 23. It was the first year of my life without her and arguably the most difficult in my life. I threw an elaborate pin up themed birthday in an attempt to distract myself from the pain the next January. I told every one they weren't allowed to say I was turning 24 that I wanted to stay 23 for one more year and get a second chance at my golden year. I was adamant and insisted at every turn I was indeed 23 and not getting older. It wasn't until the party when I was surrounded my ALL my best friends with big band music from the 50's playing did I finally admit it was time to turn 24. An entire dream and vision came true before my eyes but it didn't fill the gaping hole that was in my heart.
     

            This year marks my 5th birthday without her. It's been a year with lots of 5 years anniversaries and by the grace of the universe I have survived them all. There was so much love and support around me I couldn't be sad even if I wanted to. I know the same will be true the night I actually turn 28 but the 2 weeks leading up to will go completely unmarked except to myself. No one around me feels the ticking of what feels like a death alarm marking my seconds. No one will look at me and for a second see how scared I am, I guess this is my way of showing it.  The ones who do know are the ladies just like me who wouldn't need a blog to understand the impending doom because they feel it too. I take so much comfort in knowing there are women out there just like me. I'm told it changes as time goes on and the eventual passing of the age they were when they died feels like a small miracle. I've still got many years to go so we'll see.
    
             Most people see birthdays as the ultimate celebration of life. They see it as the day you came into this world with a whole life and journey ahead of you to live. When you loose a mother that seems to change and instead of life you see death. It's easy enough to say you just need to re frame the thought so the day becomes a celebration once again. For me it helps me put in perspective that even though I am so happy to be alive that I also want to appreciate the element of death that lives there as well. Life is precious and I want to honor that and hold that in the way I live my life each and every day, birthdays included.  I've been reflecting on this Seneca quote that says "The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity." I'm not wrapping this piece up with a last line zinger like I normally do. Just a reflection on Seneca and the importance of turning one year older.

"The Darkest Place" A Rap

So this is my most recent rap 2/19/14 I plan on posing older ones soon. It may seem a little depressive or morbid perhaps but its intent is to be a truthful expression of raw emotion.



It’s the darkest place I’ve been in since you left this earth
All of that madness has got me questioning my worth
Sometimes I begin to think it’s all to much to handle
That if I speak about what happened it will create a whole scandal

I’m struck that so many years later it could all still seem so strong
The trauma lives in your very essence till everything you ever know seems wrong
Trying to navigate the world when you can’t even tell which way is up and down
It all keeps spinning turning round and round

Even now my heart is beating so fast it’s like a hummingbird trapped In my chest
All I really want to do it lay my head down and let my body just rest
But my mind is running a million miles a minute
And I feel like I will loose it far surpassing my limit

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Im always trying to reach into the depths of my body and soul
To extract as much darkness as humanly possible
Because with my whole being I truly want to shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know how horrendous has been my plight

When all they choose to see is perseverance and fortitude
I’m trying to ignore their ignorance and not fight back with a bitchy attitude
But no one can ever really understand unless they’ve lived it themselves
So, I just stay caged stuck in my own little compartmentalized cells

There’s no such thing as simply “getting over it” like you think   
That comment is the one that really takes me to the brink
If you could only relate with empathy instead of useless commentary
Nothing you say can take away that cloudy day at the cemetery

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

How dare you claim that she feels of he feels more pain then the rest
Why was no one on my side I was left with this mass of stress
How can a daughter live in the world without her mother
Opinions from anyone and everyone it all began to smother

Lost, curled in a ball, body wrapped in a hand knit shawl
No one says a word they don’t want to make her bawl
Little did they know she had nothing left to feel
Just a vast expansive void and not enough time to heal

It’s taken 4 years and most of the darkness hasn’t gone away
So many times she’s tried, and hoped that this would be the day
To not forget the struggle but somehow make it more bearable
She’s left wondering at this point is she even repairable?

The darkest place is inside you
Better stand up and fight
Happiness has to be earned
That’s a life lesson were all gonna learn

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Motherless Daughters: Week Eight

      So I have been on the most amazing journey of coming to terms with how mother loss has effected me and how it will continue to do so in my future. Every thought, fear, feeling I've had about losing my Mom so young these woman have also had. I went from feeling like a weird leper that no one understand to a sisterhood of women who get me more then anyone else ever could. They don't have to just have sympathy because they lived it so they actually know. I'm not claiming to be "over it" or that i've "moved on" because now I know it doesn't work like that. There are major moments in a women's life when we just NEED our mothers end of story. Sometimes we are lucky enough to get mother substitutes but it will never compare to the moment you find out you're pregnant and you just want to pick up the phone and call your Mom.
     On my last week (some girls are still going) we talked about what was are greatest benefit what did we learn from the group etc. I already mentioned mine which was being with others who knew how I felt. The other aspect that was truly worth it was to see how mother loss effected everyone at these key major life moments. Even though i'm not getting married, thinking about if I want to have a kid, or having one right now it hasn't stopped me thinking about how the loss will effect all of those moments for me. It's impossible for the mind not to go there because since childhood we imagine those moments with our Mother in that lineage of female legacy. To not have her there means we have to re-imagine how those moments will be no longer the fantasy we once imagined but a colder harder truth.
    I saw through them how those life changing moments were being effected by the loss and the thoughts they shared were the thoughts I had when thinking about "how it will be." You might say there's no point in all this pre planning but it's impossible for someone who knows how transient life is not to go there we know how precious and how little of life we get. I wish I could share specific details of how much each of them have helped me but it's just too personal to share their stories with you (and totally a breech of confidentiality). Needless to say each of the woman have a deep place in my heart now and I will never forget their impact on me.
    Overall I allowed myself to go to that place that is super painful and raw. To talk about the things that no one else will ever let me talk about. Or if they do they can't even comprehend what it is actually like for me and no matter how much they want to help it's just "not the right thing" to say. I feel like a huge burden of suffering i've been carrying on her behalf is lifted basically because I've now accepted that this loss has a life long impact and it's never really goes away just eases. Before I felt like I had to put it behind and move on where now I am trying to incorporate it into my life without such a big dramatic to do. I miss her love, her support, her views on life, and the subtle way she would teach me life lessons. I want to thank my Aunt Sheila for giving me the funds to participate, Irene for leading this endeavor, and the lovely woman who made these past 8 weeks truly life changing. Words can't express how grateful I truly am- merci beacoup xoxox ~S~