"The Darkest Place" A Rap

So this is my most recent rap 2/19/14 I plan on posing older ones soon. It may seem a little depressive or morbid perhaps but its intent is to be a truthful expression of raw emotion.



It’s the darkest place I’ve been in since you left this earth
All of that madness has got me questioning my worth
Sometimes I begin to think it’s all to much to handle
That if I speak about what happened it will create a whole scandal

I’m struck that so many years later it could all still seem so strong
The trauma lives in your very essence till everything you ever know seems wrong
Trying to navigate the world when you can’t even tell which way is up and down
It all keeps spinning turning round and round

Even now my heart is beating so fast it’s like a hummingbird trapped In my chest
All I really want to do it lay my head down and let my body just rest
But my mind is running a million miles a minute
And I feel like I will loose it far surpassing my limit

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Im always trying to reach into the depths of my body and soul
To extract as much darkness as humanly possible
Because with my whole being I truly want to shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know how horrendous has been my plight

When all they choose to see is perseverance and fortitude
I’m trying to ignore their ignorance and not fight back with a bitchy attitude
But no one can ever really understand unless they’ve lived it themselves
So, I just stay caged stuck in my own little compartmentalized cells

There’s no such thing as simply “getting over it” like you think   
That comment is the one that really takes me to the brink
If you could only relate with empathy instead of useless commentary
Nothing you say can take away that cloudy day at the cemetery

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

How dare you claim that she feels of he feels more pain then the rest
Why was no one on my side I was left with this mass of stress
How can a daughter live in the world without her mother
Opinions from anyone and everyone it all began to smother

Lost, curled in a ball, body wrapped in a hand knit shawl
No one says a word they don’t want to make her bawl
Little did they know she had nothing left to feel
Just a vast expansive void and not enough time to heal

It’s taken 4 years and most of the darkness hasn’t gone away
So many times she’s tried, and hoped that this would be the day
To not forget the struggle but somehow make it more bearable
She’s left wondering at this point is she even repairable?

The darkest place is inside you
Better stand up and fight
Happiness has to be earned
That’s a life lesson were all gonna learn

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Breaking the Rose Colored Glasses

For those of you who don't know this slightly dated phrase:

rose-coloured glasses  (British & Australian) also rose-colored glasses/rose-coloured spectacles (American & Australian/British)

 -if someone thinks about or looks at something with rose-coloured glasses, they think it is more pleasant than it really is. She's nostalgic for a past that she sees through rose-colored glasses.

** Press Play and listen while reading to get the post's full effect **

      "La Vie En Rose" is a famous Edith Piaf she sings  "Je vois la vie en rose" (I see life in pink). I always identified with this idiom. I am a dreamer, an idealists, and sometimes in a slightly unhealthy way choose to see the world through rose colored glasses. I've chalked it up to being "my nature" and allowed myself to be swept into a dream at times. It doesn't matter so much if the "dream" was once based in truth sometimes the most lovely of stories is spoken then gets exaggerated till it takes on a life of it's own becoming a whole new story indeed.

      This week I was reconsidering some of the major events I've choosen to see with a nice large pair of heart shaped rose colored glasses. I could go into detail but that would give away part of my novel (River Song: SPOILERS) so you must be content to take my word for it. It's not so important to know what events I looked at but more so that I NO LONGER wish to see them that way.

     In Buddhism we have this idea that you must look as yourself clearly and only then can you see the reality of your situation. "Nichiren Daishonin stressed the importance of self-knowledge and inscribed the Gohonzon – that is, the object of devotion—as a mirror to reflect our true self, our innate Buddhahood. He goes so far as to say, “No other knowledge is purposeful” " So how can one see themselves clearly if they are looking at their world in a tainted way ?!?!? The answer is... THEY CAN'T!!!

      So I A) Identified the idea/dream that I wanted to change B) Looked at my role in perpetuating that ideal C) Decided to try and change it-    Sure now that's all well and good but what's left? I still felt crushed, angry, confused and exasperated. When in doubt it's best to get advice from someone older and wiser then you. Our Men's Division Leader and amazing actor Ron Glass indulged me tonight when I asked "If someone is deep in the world of anger how do they change that poison into medicine?". The following is not a direct quote but a compilation of a few various things he said:

 "We are seeing the world through the prism of our own weakness. When we do this humanistic practice religiously nobody can sway our life condition. It's the inner transformation that allows us to deal with and have the wisdom to create value from our external circumstances. We should learn to use that anger to create value"

     I will willingly admit that I was in tears because it was exactly the guidance I needed to hear. It was a statement of hope but also change. At the end of the day we have to take responsibility for our own actions and the way we choose to see our world. I want to create value out of all the things I've experienced no matter how painful. I want to rip off the rose colored glasses and shatter them on a slab of concrete till they smash in a million tiny shards. It's important to me to identify the difference between something that actually is and something that I want it to be. I deserve the best kind of amazing story one that doesn't need a rosy tint to make it beautiful it will just inherently already be that way. I've officially broke the rose colored glasses, I hope they weren't Prada.

I made this little graphic as part of a future collage it fell out of my diary while I was writing today :)

    

Byakuren: Human Revolution Year 1

Byakuren  "The mission of the Byakuren is to be pioneering practitioners, to protect fellow members who embrace the Gohonzon, and to safeguard our community centers—the strongholds of kosen-rufu." —Daisaku Ikeda (This mean to help out my Buddhist organization (SGI) with a fighting happy spirit)

     On Easter day one year ago I made a commitment to become a Byakuren and get involved with supporting members and be less ego driven. I remember the day I got inducted so vividly. I was scared I literally knew no one there except the girls I was first introduced to in order to sign up, Shima and Ty. I had no clue was I getting myself into other then the time commitment aspect of it and the fact everyone continuously said "it will change your whole life state." I was down for change and making friends so I swallowed my hesitation and went. I was away from my family on a holiday something that was still very new for being in LA but it felt right being there. After being inducted I felt excited and ready to tackle the challenge. At first I started off really strong going to every meeting and helping out the first Sunday of every month at KRG (when we chant for world peace) and did some toban shifts (3 hour night shifts at the center). Then I entered into the hellish realm of working 7 days a week. For 3 months I wasn't able to do ANY ACTIVITIES it was hurting my heart, my soul, and my life mission.
     I chanted to have time to be able to do Byakuren activities on top of the regular meetings as well. At that beginning of the year I was also appointed as a vice leader. So it became beyond clear that I needed a different schedule to be able to go about participating in everything I wanted to do. I got that and have been able to do almost every single activity as a member, leader and byakuren over the past 2 months (winning). I steadfastly helped out at the last 3 KRG even though waking up at 7 am is my personal hell. I got to witness the transformation of my leader Ty from dedicated Byakuren on her transitional journey forward. I've got to spend time with amazing/inspiring Colleen who reminds me to chant for what I want NOW.
    Last week it was the induction ceremony for new girls who want to undertake the challenge/transformation. I told myself I was only going to see Ty graduate, I really wanted to be exploring Malibu (which I did after). However it was so inspiring to hear about other young women's victories and to video conference with other Byakuren groups on the west coast! It was epic to see Ty give her "goodbye" speech after 9 years and the new girls collect their shift supply goodies bag- I loved it all. I started to think how has doing this changed me? I don't see any major transformation in my life state or have some major experience for proof even thought I was happy, I felt a little disheartened. I was thankful for the new ones joining and hoping for their transformation even though I couldn't see me own.

2012 Byakuren Induction

     Later that night Shima posted 2 pictures of me that I had never seen before from the induction back in 2012. I was literally shocked I personally think I look like an entirely different person. 2012 me looks a little scared but hopeful - unsure but willing- and my general size. I immediately looked at the 3 pictures I took that day (before my camera died) and was blown away. 2013 me looks joyful, confident, content, and radiant (also a little tired but hey my back was thrown out- I wasn't aiming for perfection)... maybe something had changed. I was left with this feeling of the journey I can see the transformation physically but what was the real end result on the inside?

2013 Byakuren Induction with Ty my fearless leader :)

   Today my alarm went off at 7am the first Sunday of the month it was time for KRG at 8. It would be our first one without Ty and I was pinged with a bit of sadness. It took everything I had to physically get myself there a shot of soda, some nice perfume, a pump me up jam, but it still takes tremendous energy even when you know the great benefit it will have. When I got to the room there was only one other older Byakuren and the rest where new. Us "experienced" girls shared some knowledge about our duties and what it means to be Byakuren during these meetings. I spent the next 3 hours dedicating myself to helping the meeting be as inspiring to the members as possible. Towards the end I talked with Carrie (who had come later on) about the induction and how it had been a year for us.
    I mentioned how bizarre it was to be helping train these new girls and how we once knew nothing about how to support these meetings either. There are specific duties, jobs, and general things we do always with the members happiness in mind. I concurred with Diyva the best way to lead them was by example and guidance. Don't get me wrong it wasn't about "teaching" them what I know in an ego way it was about seeing how far I had come and what I could do help train the next generation. They just represented me a year ago in a symbolic way. I was in awe at how much we have grown. Carrie, Diyva, Collen and I were all inducted last year and I never even realized until Ty posted a group shot from the previous year. I didn't know any of them then- we are all right next to each other- perfect strangers who are now connected.

LA Northwest inductees 2011

   If I get nothing else out of doing Byakuren it would at least be that I got to learn and grow along the side of these amazing women. We generally do a 2 year term so I have one year left to go. I questioned did I transform enough in the past year can I undergo my human revolution in the 1 year I have left? I look back and see one solid year of working to be the best Bodhisattva of the earth I can be. 1 year of struggle and victory. 1 year of friendship and bonding. Whether it being wobbling in the courtyard, performing skits, helping members, polishing our own inner mirrors, or transforming our Karma we did one year and we can do so much in the year we have left!

Carrie, Colleen, Ty, Shannon, and Cammie at February KRG fighting with our lion hearted spirit!

The Rubix Cube of Life

          Today was a big day for me, this week was a big week for me....I turned 26. I've dreaded turning 26 since I was 22 and they changed all the health insurance laws so that by 26 you could no longer be on your parents health plans- I had nightmares about it for real. Then I was blessed enough to get a job where my benefits would start 3 months before I turned 26- I was beyond relieved. I also 26 as the age of "real adulthood" and whatever I conceived that to be. At 26 you're closer to 30 then 20 which in mind felt old. So about 2 weeks ago I asked Nicholas from the center for insight/information on the practice of a mindfulness which is a certain genre of meditation to ease stress in my case my impending birthday which was giving me mini panic attacks. This birthday in particular was making me deeply miss and think of my mother. The meditations made me realize that a birthday isn't just about the person who was born but also the mother who brought that child into the universe probably the closet human connection anyone can ever have.
        I have always believed that emotions can be processed better when you can identify the root of what is causing it. So here I was realizing why I was upset but then left wondering what to do about it. For me the answer is always chanting, I chanted she would give me a message in a dream. 2 nights later there was a bizarre dream but the main thing I remember was my Mom was going to be going somewhere without me and I was going to be left at this place alone. As I freaked out she said "It's okay you can do it alone." I woke up and all day those words resonated with me.

Fashion Alley

     On my actual birthday I was all over the place but I just took my time chanting, taking to my father and just getting my self together. Downtown was fun and total fashion madness. As I sifted through the glittering bejeweled everything I found some stuff that really fit my more eclectic sense of style. I miss judged the time and ending up rushing to work and by some miracle of the universe was only 7 minutes "late" which is still early (trust me on that one). As I turned the corner to my desk I saw a beautiful bouquet of pink roses and the room shouted "Happy Birthday." I was ecstatic it was a great moment. Then I realized my coworker hadn't left me anything and I did a whole little thing on hers... little did I know she hid a poster for me in the calender pages that I would find- she planned that to. Then Saman rapped for me my favorite line was "starting off with the original trauma the day you came outta your momma" it was precious and hilarious. Even Paul stayed after his shift to help me do some of the work I got backed up on being the center of birthday wishes. It was as good as being 2,500 miles away from everyone I love could be- I felt loved.

        Today was suppose to be the day I took off to "celebrate" my birthday and go to LACMA. However when I woke it was pouring and the idea of waiting for the bus in the rain then paying 15 bucks to not even see the outside stuff just seemed lackluster. I then proceeded to spend the day self reflecting and taking steps to really find a recourse to help with this reawakened grief. After calling Our House ( a local grief centered) they directed me to an additional recourse called "motherless daughters" that is specifically for girls who lost their mother before age 24= me. I had searched for such a group in MA back in 2009 with no success and now here before was exactly what I dreamed of. The individual counseling is a whopping 185 an hour! so i'm chanting for that to somehow manifest. The thing is unless it happened to you (losing a mother young) you have no idea what is it like you just don't know the pain. Either way just reading the blogs, stories, and annoyances women go through when other people who haven't lost a mother say "silly" stuff, I was relieved.
      It brought back this memory which I don't think I have shared until now I remember right after my mother died I had a major panic attack and the moment after that ended I thought "who is going to take me wedding dress shopping now, whose is going to help me raise good kids??" other women have that SAME feelings- I wasn't alone. I then did another mindfulness exercise and just tried to stop the intense gripping pain in my heart and the fact my lower back becomes like a solid rock when I start to acknowledge the pain. Afterwards I was off to a district Buddhist meeting. I can't pull anything from it particularly other then the theme was living as a lion hearted champion. Afterwards I was talking to Chantz and telling him the above written story he then proclaimed "Girl, you're like a rubix cube. You know ya just keep clicking those pieces into place, one by one heading towards that final cube." The was one of the best analogies someone has ever described me with... it fit. I felt like yes I am still working on myself and certainly on this motherless daughter thing. I am also working on becoming an adult women who is strong and fearless. I am 26 now and ready to walk into adulthood like a strong force of determination and openness.

How to be the Luckiest Girl in the World

    
       So I often get annoyed when anyone on fb says " I'm the luckiest girl/guy in the world" example being "My best friend in the world just proposed to me I am the luckiest girl in the world" you know what I mean.... it can be obnoxious. What I don't like about that is that it implies that your happiness lies with and is controlled by someone else. As a Nichiren Buddhist I believe that only you yourself are in control of your own happiness. Everyday I chant and the rhythm of my chant connects to the mysticness of the universe and one of the prayers is to chant for protection (This will get less religious soon you just need back info promise). I do this everyday and can you give 3 key examples of how doing this has saved me from serious potential harm the 3rd story being the most recent/ reason for this post.

1) I was driving from MA to LA alone in a car filled with stuff. I wanted to go around this dessert loop called monument valley where there happens to be nothing for miles and no cell phone reception. As the sun set quickly I got nervous the blinding sun was in my face and I went into a very deep clay puddle. Before panic could ensue I chanted Nam Myoho Renge Kyo 3 times and a truck with towing gear came over the ridge. I hadn't seen a car in hours and the guy was from Cali it was amazing! He pulled me out and made it all away around just as it turned pitch black.

2) I got 3 calls from my roomate in a row when I was at work. She text me "I think your car is leaking oil." I said no is the the ac fluid it's fine but still checked it before I drive home. Luckily I did because had I driven even a foot that engine would have ceased there was 0 oil in it (the light never went on). I was stranded and the cleaning guy who only speaks spanish and the security guard created a plan to drive me to a gas station to buy 4 quarts of oil to make it home. The car leaked the enitre way and eventually was towed to a shop and was essentially fine minus a loose oil plug (or something like that). The thing is Kate never parked in the back because it's my spot that day she happened to stop by for a minute and knew I wasn't there but that "coincidence" saved me and my car a lot of trouble.

3) I had a plan to hike up to the Hollywood sign on Christmas because it was something that I always wanted to do but never seemed to have any time. So on a day when literally only movie theaters and chinesse food places are opened I concluded it was THE day to go. What I didn't realize is that from my friend's house where there is an hiking trail and which is visually very close to the sign that it is still several miles away because there is about 9 big curves that you keep coming upon. Once you're there are 2 paths one that goes behind the sign and one in front. Well of course I wanted the both and that took another hour now the sun was seeting quick and I was still about an hours hike away from my car. I saw some local people and asked if I could take this other trail instead they told me that trail was for Beachwood Canyon and that I was parked at Brentwood Canyon an entire other canyon away..... in these moments my head screams panic but my heart says you will be okay. So I put my headphones on and determined to make it back safetly chanting under my breath for safety. Then after a minute or so the family yelled "Brentwood girl brentwood girl do you want a ride?" See these people lived right at the hollywood sign and were on a leisurly "neighboorhood" evening stroll dog and all. So we left the trail and went on their street and they drove me. The sister of the guy was like don't worry he works for the mayer as a Mom herself she said "I would have been worried sick about you getting back safe all night." I chanted in my head the entire way there that my car would not be locked in there because the gate close at susnet and now it was well past it. I was thanking my lucky stars (weird saying) when it was open and they dropped me off.  I was such a frazzled mess.

Note the cool sunglasses

        Starving thirsty and exhausted I then went to Ralph's and home as I walked in my door I realized I didn't have my Fendi sunglasses. This is the only expensive designer item I have bought from Bloomingdales and even then I got it for 20%-20%-20% and $25 off making a 250 dollar pair of sunglasses significantly cheaper always with the intention of making them my new prescription sunglasses (my current frames cracked because they were 5 years old) I frickin panicked rushed back to Ralphs and they weren't there then I put some logical thought into I would have had to take them off my shirt to put a seat belt over my chest so they MUST be in that guys car. Well it was 7 by this time and I had movie plans plus I had to intention of trying to find a house or drive in the hills at dark.
      The next day I get dressed and after double checking every inch of my car with no luck decided to drive to the area in an attempt to re-find this house. If you have ever driven in the hills it's an extremely tight windey conglomerate like mess. It took 45 minutes but I finally found what I thought was their house. I knock on the door and lets just say it was not their house and I'm pretty sure the house of an actor. He informed me the only couple on the block was the house next door on the right- he thought I was insane but whatever if I have to go knock on the random doors of rich people to get my sunglasses back so be it. They wern't home but after talking to a guy doing work on the house I confirmed by vague descriptions it was indeed the family who helped me and I left a note on there door. It was a chance in hell but hey a girl has got to what a girl has got to do.

That's there house behind me and yes I was that excited to find it!

Note proximity to sign

     I chanted for a long while that somehow my glasses would be returned to me. Later that day I received an email from Dave saying "Hi Shannon: Unfortunately I didn't see your sunglasses in the car.  Should I come across them I will give you a call. Happy New Year.  -David" Must hold back tears was my thought. I finally had a new prescription I got when I was home and money from my godmother for Christmas. I then had a long chat with a friend which made happy/ realize that I shouldn't rely be so caught up on the material aspect of them. I was thankful to be safe and fortunate that I had been brought safely to my car  I had also thanked the universe for protecting me. In my heart I still had a feeling so I wrote David saying "David Thank you so much for the email. It wouldn't be such a big deal but they are the most expensive thing I've ever bought and was going to put a prescription in them this week :( If you do come across them let me even if its months from now haha! Have a fantastic new year" Because I wanted this rich guy to know how important they were to me and it wasn't like I could just get another pair but secretly hoping he would look again. I even posted on fb that was still time for a Christmas miracle.
    Now it was today and I was in limbo thinking of if I should re purchase the same pair since it's discount time or get a cheaper pair- I decided to wait. Today at 2:24 my phone rang with restricted on it I had a feeling in my gut it was David but I let it go to voicemail mostly because whatever he was going to say would probably result in me crying. Well needless to say he found them under the front seat! He's going away till Sunday but I can get them then. How aaaamazing is that? I didn't give up hope and I was sincere in my wish. Not only was I protected on Christmas but the universe also brought me back my sunnies- i'll admit it I jumped up and down and danced.
     So you may be asking yourself "Hey this post promised to tell me how to be the luckiest girl in the world" and well I will...... Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. Chanting it will not necessarily get you exactly what what you want in the way you think you want it but will help you have the tools to tap into the mystic way the world works.  If you need any more proof just take a look at my life :) ~S~

Ps: Sunglasses are the only designer item that is also beneficial for your well being aka protecting your eyes which is very important in a land where it is sunny every day! 

LA Year One: Top 10 Moments

Me officially on the West Coast!

So in honor of my one year living/surviving/kicking ass in LA I would like to mention my top 10 favorite moments (in chronological order)

1. My friend Dan moved out here to SD 2 years ago and he was going to be in town 2 weeks after I had been in LA. When he asked "Do you want to go to a vegetarian place?" I nearly died I was so excited. It was in Dtown Culver City and I got a tap on my back as I turned and screamed while simultaneously throwing my arms around him. It was only 2 weeks in but it was so comforting to see someone so familiar and comforting. The food was awesome and I had lavender lemonade to drink :) By using my powers of subtle suggestion I eventually got Dan to "come up with the idea" of going to the Santa Monica Pier. It was just like I had always pictured it and my first view of the pacific ocean in real life. The pier is like a magic world of fun and chaos. The sun was shinning and the ocean breeze keeping me cool it was perfect.

2. Jennie was in town and we had run all over the city sightseeing. One tour guide was like you took  her up to Muhalland drive right? I hadn't -so we went right at sunset to this overlook which shows all of LA for miles (what you can see through the hazy pollution anyways). It's far enough away that all the lights look like twinkling stars. The sky becomes pink/purple/orange and it's amazing. If felt real being there with one of my east coast friends in LA like it was cementing my presence in the city.

3. It was New Years Eve and Jennie and I ventured over to Amy's house for a pre party. There was karaoke and shots. We went to hermosa pier to a New England themed bar. We arrived 10 minutes before midnight just in time to pee grab a drink and rejoice. I remember looking up and screaming that's a celtic banner before Amy screamed back "It's a Boston bar" lol maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the fact I acquired an awesome feather tiara thing and a rose from a drunk guy but it was pure fun.

Such a sucker for a feather head piece!

4. It was my Birthday and at the time had like 3 friends in all of LA Alex/Pam and Amy. She basically said she'd do whatever I wanted. After the Edison was closed for a private party we decided on a jazz bar and burlesque themed place. However on the way I heard the sounds of my favorite British phenomenon -THE BEATLES there were Asian men as this Beatles tribute band! Fate intervened and I found myself singing Beatles in a state of pure joy. At midnight this kid Michael I went up and sang the Beatle's Birthday song (it was his birthday too) I was on cloud 9 is was so awesome. My shoes ended up in the rain overnight but let's not get to into detail....

Posing like a true starlet!

5. Kerri boss's apartment was throwing an event to raise money for clean drinking water. It was hosted my Michael Welch (FROM TWILIGHT) and there was free booze. There was publicity and one of those promotion backdrops. An hour in I was drink explaining to Michal the poverty I saw in Jamaica and how he should come to cabo with us. At cabo I spent hours flirting with a guy who looked like Jason Schwartzman (it was not JS) drank a margarita I don't remember. The stumbled down Hollywood BLVD looking at the walk of fame stars and just being happy to be there..

 6. It was finally hot enough to go to the beach in a bathing suit although after going in the ocean a sweatshirt seemed necessary. It was sunny and  I was with a bunch of girls just chilling. Eventually they all left and I watched the sun set over the water it was my first LA beach sunset and I took like a gazillion pictures writing I <3 socal in the sand (see blog cover photo). I had watched the sunset everyday on my trip to LA and now I was here at the end of the US, the most West I could be, watching the sunset feet in the sand, hair blowing in the wind, camera in hand- I was happy.

7. Lianne invited me to hang out one night so I popped over after work. Since the first day I moved here I had always heard about Koreatown karaoke- that it was insane and fun. I super <3 karaoke but first we went to a speakeasy with a secret password to get in. It was soo dark you hit things until your eyes adjusted. I met new people and had a blast. Afterwards we went to Brass Monkey to sing and it was a HOT MESS in the best way imaginable. You can really do pretty much anything here.

8. Throughout the summer the Hollywood Forever Cemetery shows movie against one of the mosalium walls. Pam and I tried planning to go but I always seemed to be working. When Dirty Dancing came on the roster I specifically begged my manager for the day off. It was so fun the crowd all huddled together under the 5 visible LA stars. It's so fun to experience a movie with hundreds of people like a premier night for a super hero movie but here were fans of a good love story. At one point a shooting star flew right over the wall and I made a very sincere wish about my future...it was an amazing experience. The graves were really bizarre but that night made me believe in love for a moment again.

9. My job at the store was always meant to be a temporary thing. The hours are so random that it never allowed me time to really audition and live a "normal" life. How I came to get my new job is an epic story in and of itself but when I got a call from the Director of the counseling center I knew it had the potential to give me a better life here. I was in my car when I heard the official "I would like to offer you the position as the evening client coordinator etc etc" I bounced my feet and did a little dance. This job would allow me to audition during the day, it paid better, and it would be around people trying to help people not manipulate them...I was overjoyed.

10. My Buddhist practice was the backbone of my survival throughout the year and my best friend when there was no one else to confide in. A few days after finding about my new job I was invited to a study lecture at a famous Jazz composers home. A) the home is a mansion of sorts with art, plants, and treasure from around the world - not to mention an view of LA that takes your breath away. B) The meeting was about overcoming struggle and perseverance. I cried the entire time but in away that was so cathartic and healing. I had done it- I survived a year - I succeeded in living a life in one of the worlds hardest cities. When I chanted for the dead I was overcome with a feeling that my mother was proud of me but more importantly I was proud of myself. I was happy I live in Los Angeles!

This is what an East Coast girl living and loving Los Angeles looks like!

Selfishness VS Survival

This is what most people think. I think: what can I do to get my needs met?

I would like to pose a a question: when one is in survival mode are you really being selfish or just doing what is necessary to survive? I like many women have spent a good chunk of my time taking care of others and not always myself. I spent an entire year dedicating all my energy to a little amazing girl as her teacher, friend, and advocate. She really loved me unconditionally in a way that was so pure and truthful. She never asked me to devote myself in that way just like kids don't ask parents to give up their wishes in order to get what they want, a trip to Disney vs a trip to Europe for instance. When I was driving to LA I had A LOT of time to think... when your alone in a car with just your thoughts for 8 hours you learn things. One thought that came to mind was that at some point I knew people would feel I left them. For me it was never a question of coming or not coming here it was just a matter of when, I had decided that when I was 16. I haven't been the best supporter of friends since I've been here I actually feel like maybe I have cut people off. I didn't intend any malice but it's just that I only have so much energy and I need to devote that to succeeding and living here. Since everyday is a constant battle to come out the other side alive and well it leaves no time to focus on anything petty. Yes that is a selfish statement but it also is somewhat about self preservation.
S Size Up The Situation (surroundings, physical condition, equipment, & supplies)
U  Use All Your Sensuous, undue haste makes waste
R  Remember Where You Are
V Vanquish Your Fear and Panic
I   Improvise 
V  Value Living
A  Act Like The Natives
L  Live By Your Wits, But For Now, Learn Basic Skills
I am a humanitarian through and through last month I joined a group solely dedicated to being of service to others so I am in no way advocating egocentricity. However I do believe your 20's is about finding out who you are and what is your purpose on this planet. I believe and have always believed that my purpose is to inspire and engage others through my acting. Whenever someone said "oh don't you want a backup plan?" or "do you know most actors are penniless?" it never swayed me in the least. Sure in 10 years from now I may have changed my mind about the whole thing but for now there is nothing that could persuade me to stop trying to be a film actress. I knew the price would come with many sacrifices- missing holidays, major life events, and even the everyday small things amongst close friends. I am trying to find a balance between selfishness and survival and I'm chanting to find that equilibrium.

Signs from Above

There are two kinds of people... those who are inclined to believe in the unknown miracles, UFOs, angels etc and then of course there are those who do not. These are people who tend to be of a scientific persuasion where fact rules and faith is faulty. I am a Buddhist so I believe in reincarnation and the continuation of souls after they have left "our world." It has now been 2 years since my Mom died and I have never once questioned her continuing presence in my life. After she first passed I asked her to come to me in dreams. After one horrific one where she was diligently taking care of me as I lay dying of cancer I asked her to stop it was too painful to feel her in my dreams and wake to find her gone. My sister and I asked her to send us hearts almost immediately my tea formed a heart on the window of my car. Of course you can look into something to much but sometimes it is just to much of a coincidence. The period of time between November and March is filled with holidays and memories which is challenging but then comes a break until the big one Mother's Day. You may have not noticed but its rapidly coming up and my stressed self has developed my eye twitch again. Yesterday I felt like I was given a gift. I came back to my area in the store and a friend asked me to take over selling a Michelle watch ( they range from 500-2,000 but you need to have a specific knowledge of sizes and assembly to even sell them) I gladly agreed knowing this would be a good sale. After a while I was able to "create" her perfect watch and then to my even greater joy she decided to open a store credit card (we can get fired if we don't open any and I was reminded the day before I had none for this month). So yay big sale yay credit card app then as we began the long daunting process of enrolling I noticed her maiden name was Patricia Walsh. My heart stopped I turned flush.. how many Patricia Walshs are there in the country?? (google search update 1,124 to be exact only 61 Shannon Cassidys though) I blurted out "My Mother's name is Patricia Walsh too" she smiled "Oh, isn't that nice." Sure it could be a mere coincidence but really the odds are still very much in my favor it was a much needed sign from my Mom a little burst of a joy in an otherwise exhausting work week. I felt connected to her for a moment like I do when I watch the sun through the trees at her grave ( I can't wait to do that in 6 weeks) mostly because I get to take time to acknowledge her in my current life not just the Mom she was but the Mom she is the way she still supports and encourages me even in death.

Honin Myo

The Lotus Flower Booms and Seeds Simultaneously

So what does Honin Myo mean?!? This is one of my favorite Buddhist sayings...it means from this point on. Whatever happened is in this past from this very moment you will start  again looking towards the future. Holding on to my past  and the way things once were has always been a big issue for me. If you know me you know I use to over dramatize, romanticize, and generally lived in a self deluded mind set(still do to an extent???). Much of that changed when I became a Buddhist. I have a great quote hanging in my room that reads "Do not dwell in the past Do not dream of the future Concentrate the mind on the present moment." When my Mom died I saw how precious and short life really is. If I die at 48 from a rare cancer I want to know I lived every damn moment of my life to the fullest no regrets Non, je ne regrette rien. I want my life to have meaning and have been beneficial to others in some way. I want to be a film actress who inspires others to strive for and achieve their dreams. For the past 2 months I have been actively trying to go through my human revolution and take full responsibility for my current life state (poor, lonely, not acting, not respected) and change myself to in turn change my environment. This is a fundamental Buddhist idea that you are a reflection of your life and only you have the power to change your own situation. It's really hard for me to see people who always play the victim poor me, this always happens to me, etc etc I know my current situation isn't great but I am working to improve it and myself. I want people to know that I knew it would be hard coming out here alone and it turned out to be much harder then I anticipated but although it is taking more time then I wanted I am not giving up Honin Myo from this point on....~S~

Chanting for Celebrities

I became a Nichiren Buddhist a little over a year ago and 99.9% of the time I chant for meaningful, beneficial, life changing things like pursuing my passion as a film actress. However every once in awhile I let my mind wander to silly less dramatic things. For instance my friend Matt loves Lisa Vanderpump (Housewives of Beverly Hills) and I was instructed to go to her restaurant and meet her. However being on a budget I wasn't about to do that. I reasoned however that if she lives in Beverly Hills she may one day come to the my work. I would chant every once in awhile that one day she would come to my jewelry counter and I could tell her about my friend's epic love for her and then we would call him. I am NOT kidding this is what I would ask the universe for every now then. So I had Matt text me her photo so if she ever came in I could recognize her (I don't watch the show). Yesterday a makeup person came over and asked for my jewelry key I thought this was super weird but ya know it could be his friend or client whatever -so I gave it to him. After a minute or so he calls me over as I walk up I notice it's Lisa Vanderpump now standing in my bay. I ask the guy "Is that that housewife" he replies "Yes! That's why I wanted to help her but I don't know anything about this stuff!" I took a breath and thought  "this is it the moment...it came." The whole process was fine I helped her pick out some dramatic earrings I was trying to stay professional even thought on the inside I was dying- it's not like I care anything about her but I just so badly had wanted to be able to do this one thing for my cherished friend. Once the "business" was concluded I began to say everything I had rehearsed my friend Matt is you biggest fan blah blah blah she then proclaims "Get him on the phone I want to call him." My heart was racing I thought "Fuck we can't even have phones on the floor let alone have one out in the open I could get fired maybe no one will see....I can't pass up this opportunity." She then straightens up slyly smirks and proceeds to leave Matt a voice mail. I can't even recollect what she said I was just soooo in shock. Afterwards I threw my phone in a drawer and prayed no one would come yell at me after all it was a VIP customers request right? we do anything to please right? An hour later I finally got Matt on the phone and he was so ecstatic I was just as happy because I could not believe in all the stores, in all departments, and all the times of day I might not have been there she came to me. That is the power of chanting....Now I think it's time to start chanting for me to meet the amazing Ryan Gosling again ( I stopped because I thought it was to silly! Now it is back on the agenda!) ~S~