What a Birthday means to a Motherless Daughter

           I'm 2 weeks away from my 28th birthday and I feel ancient. I know in reality i'm still quite young and there are so many more life lessons I have yet to experience. But to a motherless daughter a birthday is a countdown- my mother died at 48 which means as of the 23rd I have 20 years left to live. Yes, we understand it's not realistic, highly improbable in fact,  that one would die the exact year as their mother but yet it feels as if are birth date just marks us one year closer to our death date. In a twist of bonded fate my mother's birthday and mine are a week apart. Both born In January, both aquarius, and we both had the same eye glass prescription but in reverse. I have the same snaggle tooth she had and a similar passion for working with kids with special needs.
      
             My first birthday without her was suppose to kick off my golden year. You take the day you were born and that year is suppose to be the most magical, in my case 23. It was the first year of my life without her and arguably the most difficult in my life. I threw an elaborate pin up themed birthday in an attempt to distract myself from the pain the next January. I told every one they weren't allowed to say I was turning 24 that I wanted to stay 23 for one more year and get a second chance at my golden year. I was adamant and insisted at every turn I was indeed 23 and not getting older. It wasn't until the party when I was surrounded my ALL my best friends with big band music from the 50's playing did I finally admit it was time to turn 24. An entire dream and vision came true before my eyes but it didn't fill the gaping hole that was in my heart.
     

            This year marks my 5th birthday without her. It's been a year with lots of 5 years anniversaries and by the grace of the universe I have survived them all. There was so much love and support around me I couldn't be sad even if I wanted to. I know the same will be true the night I actually turn 28 but the 2 weeks leading up to will go completely unmarked except to myself. No one around me feels the ticking of what feels like a death alarm marking my seconds. No one will look at me and for a second see how scared I am, I guess this is my way of showing it.  The ones who do know are the ladies just like me who wouldn't need a blog to understand the impending doom because they feel it too. I take so much comfort in knowing there are women out there just like me. I'm told it changes as time goes on and the eventual passing of the age they were when they died feels like a small miracle. I've still got many years to go so we'll see.
    
             Most people see birthdays as the ultimate celebration of life. They see it as the day you came into this world with a whole life and journey ahead of you to live. When you loose a mother that seems to change and instead of life you see death. It's easy enough to say you just need to re frame the thought so the day becomes a celebration once again. For me it helps me put in perspective that even though I am so happy to be alive that I also want to appreciate the element of death that lives there as well. Life is precious and I want to honor that and hold that in the way I live my life each and every day, birthdays included.  I've been reflecting on this Seneca quote that says "The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity." I'm not wrapping this piece up with a last line zinger like I normally do. Just a reflection on Seneca and the importance of turning one year older.

"The Darkest Place" A Rap

So this is my most recent rap 2/19/14 I plan on posing older ones soon. It may seem a little depressive or morbid perhaps but its intent is to be a truthful expression of raw emotion.



It’s the darkest place I’ve been in since you left this earth
All of that madness has got me questioning my worth
Sometimes I begin to think it’s all to much to handle
That if I speak about what happened it will create a whole scandal

I’m struck that so many years later it could all still seem so strong
The trauma lives in your very essence till everything you ever know seems wrong
Trying to navigate the world when you can’t even tell which way is up and down
It all keeps spinning turning round and round

Even now my heart is beating so fast it’s like a hummingbird trapped In my chest
All I really want to do it lay my head down and let my body just rest
But my mind is running a million miles a minute
And I feel like I will loose it far surpassing my limit

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Im always trying to reach into the depths of my body and soul
To extract as much darkness as humanly possible
Because with my whole being I truly want to shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know how horrendous has been my plight

When all they choose to see is perseverance and fortitude
I’m trying to ignore their ignorance and not fight back with a bitchy attitude
But no one can ever really understand unless they’ve lived it themselves
So, I just stay caged stuck in my own little compartmentalized cells

There’s no such thing as simply “getting over it” like you think   
That comment is the one that really takes me to the brink
If you could only relate with empathy instead of useless commentary
Nothing you say can take away that cloudy day at the cemetery

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

How dare you claim that she feels of he feels more pain then the rest
Why was no one on my side I was left with this mass of stress
How can a daughter live in the world without her mother
Opinions from anyone and everyone it all began to smother

Lost, curled in a ball, body wrapped in a hand knit shawl
No one says a word they don’t want to make her bawl
Little did they know she had nothing left to feel
Just a vast expansive void and not enough time to heal

It’s taken 4 years and most of the darkness hasn’t gone away
So many times she’s tried, and hoped that this would be the day
To not forget the struggle but somehow make it more bearable
She’s left wondering at this point is she even repairable?

The darkest place is inside you
Better stand up and fight
Happiness has to be earned
That’s a life lesson were all gonna learn

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Hookup Culture VS Dating

hookup culture:

The era that began in the early 1990s and has since prevailed on college campuses and elsewhere when hooking up has replaced traditional dating as the preferred method of heterosexual liaison.

Example: I'm not interested in any sort of relationship. I just want to enjoy the hookup culture. (Urban Dictionary) 6 people agree

dating:

The modern day battlefield of romance where hearts are won and broken, the not-quite so version of chivalry and wooing, an interview for a lover; the lay down some time-and money and see if you get some candy routine; the progressed game of cat-and-mouse; the human courtship ritual; playing baseball for a home run.

Example: Yeah, I've dated her several times. 1st time was flowers, a movie, and a nice dinner. The second time was a fancy dinner and tickets to an event. And on the third date we saw a movie again and, badda-bing-badda-boom, we had sex before the night was through. (Urban Dictionary)

dating 588 people agree

dating 2:

socially acceptable form of prostitution.

Example: I spent a $30 for a movie, before the first base. A $50 for lunch, for the second base, and a $70 on a romantic dinner before we cut to the chase. (Urban Dictionary) 1,682 people agree

     To start the definition that I like the least had the most likes dating=prostitution..... Now sure you'll say Shannon but this is data/info from urbandictionary not life. Well let me share.... I was enjoying a nice dinner with a dear friend who I haven't been able to girl chat with for months. We equally had about half a years worth of "guy stories" to share and as these tales unraveled I was so struck. Struck with the feeling that as both attractive, educated, fun women we had nearly identical experiences of be courted and dropped like a bag of trash you throw in a dumpster when you're "done." Even if I didn't have enough self worth and confidence in myself (which I do) here is this knockout blonde sitting across from me telling the same tale.

     We spent a good 3 hours discussing the pros and cons of truth vs seduction and you can read my thoughts mentioned here: Truth VS Seduction Blog. I think ultimately a relationship of the most sincere truth is the only way to go but what if you can't even get that far because you won't put out on date 3 where does that leave you?  Why date 3 ?!?!? all the posts on urban dictionary mention date 3 like it's some magical number society has deemed appropriate. After 3 dates you know someone moderately well so now we won't judge you and call you a slut or whore for having sex. I can say that within minutes of meeting someone I know if i'm into them enough to ever seriously consider sleeping with them but dating someone has become different and not the way people test out if they like each other.

    Let's introduce Barney's from How I Met Your Mother lemon law logic:

Lemon Law Tuesday, November 15, 2005, 11:49am                                     Check it. New thing. The Lemon Law. On a blind date and realize whoever set you up with this uggo is truly not your friend? You're free to go. Walk into a coffee shop and spot a muffin top spilling all over the hottie you've been chatting with online? Walk away, my friend. Eject. Abort. Do not pass Go. The Lemon Law allows you to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. Consider it a hall pass for dating. 

 

       In some ways I would be totally down for that. Your not into me I'm no into you so let's bail no hard feelings and peace out. But instead as Joan from mad men says: "Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate." So I find myself doing the most insane things "just to see" or "make sure" that they do in fact don't actually give 2 fucks about me. Does that put me in the wrong as well- of course but that's my shit. In 2013 there are fewer societal restrictions on going out in comparison to say eras with chaperones and no one ever being in social situations alone with the opposite sex rules. There has to be some middle ground between all out anything goes and the strict stigma related shaming of the past.  

     My friend and I came to no real conclusion that night other then we have no idea why finding someone is so hard. Then today I came across this hilarious gem:  why chivalry is dead from a mans perspective and thought well he makes one solid point. "Eventually, I feel that women will wise up and start asking for the things that they deserve, the things used to be automatic and expected of men, like holding a door, pulling out a chair, and paying for dinners. Until then, men are going to get away with putting in the bare minimum and receiving what we ultimately want anyway – sex." this lead to a massive facebook debate both genders battling out their points. 

      It rang true for me and what I had been experiencing but the male's comments opened up my ears that they also don't want to be "used" in the process. My favorite comment being "Sounds like the women don't want to be used as sex objects and the men don't want to be used as meal tickets" now there's some truth. But how can a women define herself when words like this exist: 
Hook Up Bitch:

Hook Up Bitch: a female that men use for sex but is not suitable for serious dating

Example: Stephie ain't my girlfriend; she's my hook up bitch.

Wow so this person is usable like a toy and I would guess most of the time these womaen aren't entering into the situation knowing they are a hook up bitch. I'm all for getting down in a casual away if both parties are aware of that but it seems like more and more one sided. There is this idea of well I can't possibly get someone who will have manners, treat me with respect, and love me so I subtle for what I can get. I've done it my friend was doing it and for what? The hope that one day one unknown time in the future it will be different? better? actually amazing?

       I don't like that every date I've attempted to have in the past 2 months has resulted in a guy sending my dirty pictures of them or bailing last minute. I want to go and meet someone go on an adventure and have an experience. Maybe it will be a blast maybe it will be shitty but it will be REAL not a text message chat or bs -well you can come to my house and "hang out" kind of date. I just want to date like go on real dates places and have fun. Maybe one day in the future I'll want a commitment but now I just want to experience something real and not be someone's hook up bitch or date prostitute. I'm sending a call to everyone let's keep the standard the gold rule: One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself. Be nice, be kind, and want to give someone a nice experience on a date genuinely and not because there may be some kind of pay off. Or you can just be like this guy.....

  
   

Black VS White How Our Cops STILL See People

Dear World,
         I have had so much joy in my life since my friend moved to LA last week. He’s black but that never has been a factor in our friendship. To me I see his creative passion and determination. Today it has become a factor because this is NOT OKAY! For the umpteenth time in his life he had his shit thrown around and searched pinned and was in the back of a cop car simply because he’s black. It was santa monica blvd broad daylight and he was walking home from a dance audition- this is our city this is our world.
          Two days he ago he had a mini freak out when he realized I had been driving around knowingly with one head light out. I made a joke about my white girl privilege because “nothing has happened to me yet” he said “it would have with my black ass driving around this posh neighborhood.” I knew he was right his countless examples of incidents that have occurred in his life have proven to me how skewed our experiences are in relation to race. After every incident when I, in my ignorance, say “but why???  I don’t understand why?” he responds with a sincerely solum “I don’t know Sue i’m just black.”   
        When cases like Trayvon Martin happens it upsets me to the root of my social justice heart. For him it means to seal a fate that one day the same will happen to him. With each incident he fears more and more ‘will I be able to get away alive from this one?’ One wrong move, one mis judgment, and someone could kill him just because he’s living in a place, walking down a street, or happens to “look” like someone whose done something (only matching description... the color of his skin). 
          I walk around with no thought in mind that I’m going to be stopped unless I’m doing something wrong and I know it (carrying an open container of booze in my purse for hypothetical instance). He was so set on getting his California ID immediately upon getting here. I knew from HIS stories an ID becomes a golden ticket of proof that I “legally have a right to be here in this city/neighborhood see this card had an address and my name that WON’T show up on your database as a criminal.” He always walks with a small voice in his head saying beware they might stop you.
        He casually mentioned this morning his house key might be missing because of “his scuffle with the cops.” He didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to acknowledge that even here in Los Angeles once of the most diverse cities in America it was STILL HAPPENING. I had said when he debated moving here that “It’s different here there are so many kinds of people it shouldn’t be an issue.” I’ve been proven wrong as I sit here so saddened in my heart that he has to deal with this- again.
         I can’t claim to know what being randomly stopped, having my stuff thrown and searched by one cop, as i’m pinned up against a car by a second cop feels like. I do know what the back of a cop car feels like being cadged liked a wild animal whose been “bad” my crime had been being out past town curfew at 16- but what is his crime?!? They claimed the description was for a black man with braids. Well he is black but he has dreads. He is also one of the skinniest tinniest men with a bizarre sense of fashion that never screams “i’m up to no good.” Most likely there was no person they were looking for (they always say that) but “People with braids don’t walk around this neighborhood a lot” said one cop.

       He didn’t fit their vision of what the color of the neighborhood is suppose to look like. Even though he is EXACTLY what weho is.... proud, loud, gay, and amazing. If anything I don’t “fit” into what my area is as a straight, white, girl, who likes to stay home at night and watch Jane Austen movies. Either way all of that is JUDGEMENT- very skewed unrealistic judgement. I thought in this modern age most individuals were like me and saw people as people with different color skin but no longer were archaic to only see a person’s color not them as human being. To me he look likes someone who wouldn’t hurt a fly, got his bad boy stage out years ago, and is “hustling” in the best kind of ways for a future career in movies.
      The thing that confuses me the most is the elevated of aggression. Why toss his stuff, and throw him up against the car. Why anger- why hate? I’m sure there is a way to examine a bag, and question a person, without all the added hostility. There has to be a different way- this is 2013 not the 50’s. Most importantly please beware this is still happening all the time and not just dramatized media coverage on the TV but in real life like 3 blocks from by apartment with my best friend who happens to be black, have dreads, and kinda sorta looks like a guy the cops “might” be looking for. We allow this to happen in the name of safety but who is really getting hurt in the end?

This is just a small clip at the end of the incident there is "no explanation" of why no specifics just vague BS.

Breaking the Rose Colored Glasses

For those of you who don't know this slightly dated phrase:

rose-coloured glasses  (British & Australian) also rose-colored glasses/rose-coloured spectacles (American & Australian/British)

 -if someone thinks about or looks at something with rose-coloured glasses, they think it is more pleasant than it really is. She's nostalgic for a past that she sees through rose-colored glasses.

** Press Play and listen while reading to get the post's full effect **

      "La Vie En Rose" is a famous Edith Piaf she sings  "Je vois la vie en rose" (I see life in pink). I always identified with this idiom. I am a dreamer, an idealists, and sometimes in a slightly unhealthy way choose to see the world through rose colored glasses. I've chalked it up to being "my nature" and allowed myself to be swept into a dream at times. It doesn't matter so much if the "dream" was once based in truth sometimes the most lovely of stories is spoken then gets exaggerated till it takes on a life of it's own becoming a whole new story indeed.

      This week I was reconsidering some of the major events I've choosen to see with a nice large pair of heart shaped rose colored glasses. I could go into detail but that would give away part of my novel (River Song: SPOILERS) so you must be content to take my word for it. It's not so important to know what events I looked at but more so that I NO LONGER wish to see them that way.

     In Buddhism we have this idea that you must look as yourself clearly and only then can you see the reality of your situation. "Nichiren Daishonin stressed the importance of self-knowledge and inscribed the Gohonzon – that is, the object of devotion—as a mirror to reflect our true self, our innate Buddhahood. He goes so far as to say, “No other knowledge is purposeful” " So how can one see themselves clearly if they are looking at their world in a tainted way ?!?!? The answer is... THEY CAN'T!!!

      So I A) Identified the idea/dream that I wanted to change B) Looked at my role in perpetuating that ideal C) Decided to try and change it-    Sure now that's all well and good but what's left? I still felt crushed, angry, confused and exasperated. When in doubt it's best to get advice from someone older and wiser then you. Our Men's Division Leader and amazing actor Ron Glass indulged me tonight when I asked "If someone is deep in the world of anger how do they change that poison into medicine?". The following is not a direct quote but a compilation of a few various things he said:

 "We are seeing the world through the prism of our own weakness. When we do this humanistic practice religiously nobody can sway our life condition. It's the inner transformation that allows us to deal with and have the wisdom to create value from our external circumstances. We should learn to use that anger to create value"

     I will willingly admit that I was in tears because it was exactly the guidance I needed to hear. It was a statement of hope but also change. At the end of the day we have to take responsibility for our own actions and the way we choose to see our world. I want to create value out of all the things I've experienced no matter how painful. I want to rip off the rose colored glasses and shatter them on a slab of concrete till they smash in a million tiny shards. It's important to me to identify the difference between something that actually is and something that I want it to be. I deserve the best kind of amazing story one that doesn't need a rosy tint to make it beautiful it will just inherently already be that way. I've officially broke the rose colored glasses, I hope they weren't Prada.

I made this little graphic as part of a future collage it fell out of my diary while I was writing today :)

    

The Human Emotion Barometer

So at the group last week the facilitator made this analogy about humans keeping an emotion barometer in a clear white tube all throughout their gut to their throat. The idea goes something like this.....
A a baby we just flat out express ourselves. If we are hungry we cry if something makes us happy we laugh it's simple, pure, true to the present moment, and 100% natural.
As a toddler we start to filter our emotions maybe a child takes away your favorite toy so you start to cry and an adult comes along and says "stop crying" this scares you so you stop and that emotion goes into your inner emotional tube.
As a kid you have more and more experiences and society teaches you the rules on how to be and not be. You look to peers and parents for affirmation you're doing "the right thing" anything that is deemed "the wrong thing" you keep inside you and your inner emotions fill up more and more
As a teen you are just frickin full of emotions and are still learning ways to express them in a healthy way at the same time your body is changing, your hormones are crazy, and you think you know everything which leaves you a hot mess- super filling up that tube.
As an adult you've now learned many things but you also have "learned"(behavior forming) things that make you present yourself in a particular away. You filter yourself, your environment, and push away all the things that don't fit into you definition of what you want to acknowledge (or if your one of the lucky ones you work on a path of inner peace :) so that tube stars getting filled to the brim.

Let's take me- I'm "sweet" the number one word people always use to describe me is sweet. After a few years of a friendship I get creative or witty but from casual acquaintances it is ALWAYS sweet. Can one person really be sweet all the time?!?!?
The answer: HELL NO!
        The emotion i'm most notorious for holding in is anger. For more thoughts on that see my past post The "Hulk" In You I remember in 7th grade my teacher yelled at me for chatting and I cried! I was so embarrassed I was 14 and crying because I got yelled at. To this day I do no do well with authoritative yelling (the army would be my personal hell). My frustration at something usually results in floods and floods of tears. Last week when I was denied something I very much needed all that could come out was tears I was sooooooooooo angry. I was not sad but I was so frustrated and the only way I could express myself was an outpouring of emotion via my tear ducts.
    Which brings me back to the emotional barometer. After years and years of containing all these emotions you have there reaches a point where you can just no longer take it and a release is inevitable. The extreme would be going bat shit crazy and like killing someone or getting drunk and spewing out all you deep dark thoughts about everyone and everything. Some people never "release" it and those are those high strung people who yell at traffic, the waitress, and anybody who crosses their path.
    On my journey one of the things that has helped me more then anything else throughout the years is writing letters. For me it provides a way to say everything I truly want to say without the other person's reaction in my face (which can seriously deter you from speaking your honest inner truth in person) I don't often give these letters to people which is a shame because the language is often very powerful, intense, and poetic. I've been sick for the past few months and my body literally started to reject anything I ate yet I gained a ton of weight clearly I was a mess. For me whenever the body goes haywire the solution is acupuncture and some serious talk therapy!
     I was warned that sometimes an outpouring of emotion comes after the treatment and I remember having immediate responses when I did acupuncture back in MA. At first I just came home and had the urge to write in my diary (yes I actually do right things not on the internet that I intend no one to see ever).  Then I felt the need to write a letter and then another then a third... at this point I was like you need to stop you have to go to work. So I dropped it for about 6 hours when I got home I went to continue my nightly routine of chanting, checking my sites, and Orange is the New Black ( seriously have you watched it yet it's sooo good)  but I felt strongly compelled to pick up that note pad again- the result... 5 more letters.
     I was truly shocked the only thing that made me stop writing was the fact it was 3 AM my writing looked like a 3 year olds and was completely illegible, and my eyes were swollen almost entirely shut from the tears. That probably sounds terrible but it was actually super amazing!!! It was so intensely cathartic and I felt like I was truly expressing myself for the first time in months. There was nothing "sweet" about it most of it was pure anger coming out in poetic lines of rage and it felt heavenly. After a second treatment it only went deeper which really helped me re define what I was angry about, the triggers, and what it all stemmed from.
     My emotional barometer was almost entirely shattered or at least seriously dumped out into like a sewer pit of shit. It was like everything I've been holding in about my Mom's death, my past loves, my current situation- everything was expelled. It was out on the table for only me to see so I could take a real hard deep look and put it back together in some semblance of inner sanity. There truly is something to be said for laying out all your cards on the table. So I took care of some Mom stuff with the group, got out all this inner rage through the letters, and I've taken steps to be more aware of how I hide the anger from myself and push it deep down inside me. I don't want to look back in another 2 years filled to the brim again with emotion. I want to live a life of truth it's all I've ever wanted and it's what I will strive for every day of my existence. How full is your human emotional barometer??? This chicks is looking a little full.....

I don't know if i've ever experienced an "emofunk" but it sounds kinda fun!

Did you get married ?!?!

      I have one really nice ring that does indeed look like it could be an engagement ring. I absolutely adore it. When I was in high school I really wanted a traditional class ring- always so nostalgic. My cousin even had a ring dance where they were given out with flourish. My Dad however said he wanted to buy me a "real" ring one that I would actually want to wear 10 years after high school. At the time I kind of pouted till we were on a cruise going to a "special dealer" a friend of a friend knew or something (my father always has a friend of a friend for everything- even apparently jewelers in St Martin). The waiting throughout the trip was anguish because we went by many a fine shop but when we finally did it was worth it. They sat me in a high chair and served us Mimosas. They would bring out a tray and I would say I like this cut, this design etc. the shop owner said he had "just the thing- bold and romantic" and boy was he right. I never loved a piece of Jewelry that much and I still don't have anything that come close to measuring up.

        The stone is called Tanzanite a rare gem that is only mined in Tanzania and not found anywhere else in the world and it's surrounded by diamonds it could indeed be an engagement ring. I wore it the rest of high school and into college and never once was questioned about it. When I came to LA I started getting bothered by it being on my right hand - it would hit the jewelry counters at work, get caught when putting out the scarfs etc. It was worse at my desk job constantly brushing the calender, dirty money, and getting caught in the phone cord. So I made a decision to start wearing it on my left hand and that's when all the questions happened. At least once a day when I would wear it someone would say "Are you engaged?" complete strangers asking- even people know know me "Did you get married" ( like what secretly over the weekend in Vegas?). As an unmarried women I found this annoying- no I'm not engaged- no I didn't get married- yes I realize it's on the left hand- I do understand that "means" i'm married etc. So then when people asked I started saying " I'm protesting the symbolism of the left hand meaning you must be married" I just want to wear it on that finger on that hand!
   One of the counselors asked "why are you wearing on the left hand guys aren't going to know your single and they won't ask you out" I said "Good I like wording off stupid people like that." Then just the other day "ya know wearing a ring on that finger implies you're married"- who does not know that?!?!? here's a brief history on how everyone does indeed know that

"Before medical science discovered how the circulatory system functioned, people believed that a vein of blood ran directly from the fourth finger on the left hand to the heart. (This belief allegedly dates to the 3rd century BC in Greece.) Because of the hand-heart connection, people named the putative vein descriptively vena amori, Latin for 'the vein of love'. Due to this tradition, it became accepted to wear the wedding ring on this finger. By wearing rings on the fourth finger of their left hands, a married couple symbolically declares their eternal love for each other. This has now become a matter of tradition and etiquette.

In most Western cultures, the wedding ring is worn on the left hand. In some countries, however, such as Germany, Norway, and Chile, it is worn on the right hand. Orthodox Christians, Eastern Europeans and Jews also traditionally wear the wedding band on the right hand.
Etiquette frowns severely on the making of sexual overtures to a man or woman wearing a wedding ring."

       So no I'm not married and I do not plan on wearing this ring on any other finger because it's sized for my ring finger and it's annoying to wear on my right hand- the end.  The point of the post is not to bitch about this recent social norm that been appearing in my life but to bring awareness to the fact that we as human do things that are suppose to "mean something." However most of the time it's something we as humans have constructed ourselves. There is no set reason as to how to wear a ring but societal norms have dictated it to be that way. I think it's important to remember that not everything has be the way society tells us it should be. We all have our own minds and it's important to consider what is important for each of us in our own lives.

My Male Broke Feminist

I read this article first: 101 Everyday Ways For Men to be Allies
which is not super great because it is extremely repetitive the same ideas in different words but it helped me realize some of things that have been bothering me recently.
These are the key ones that really stuck out to me as a woman:
1. Recognize your privileges, especially your male privilege (and white privilege if applicable)
8. Be aware of how you flirt with a woman.
10. If you’re going to be chivalrous (on dates) or in everyday life, do it for everyone out of kindness, not just for women or people you think aren’t capable of doing things themselves. 
20. Ask for consent, always. 
29. Challenge everyday sexism in your life. 
37. Support musicians and artists that do not degrade women in their music and lyrics. 
44. Don’t be the hero, savior, or knight in shining armor
47. Work with your partner or spouse on how to mutually share responsibilities.
48. Men aren’t the only ones who have orgasms. Remember that!!! 
49. Don’t judge women by their choice of clothing. 
60. Don’t assume she will take your last name if you both agree to marry. 
63. Defy traditional male stereotypes.
                                              AND MY NUMBER 1 FAVORITE:
31. Stop telling her you’re “different than other guys.” Don’t speak. Do.

   
       I have been struggling across the board with the idea of privileged (specifically gender and wealth) over the past 2 years. Let me start by saying this is in NO WAY a pity post but more of a privilege expose on how it directly effects my life. LA is rampant with uber wealthy and people who literally just throw money away. You do not need 20 pairs of sunglasses all $300+ for you collection  (true story a woman at the store had a "collection"). It's no secret I have epically struggled with money since moving here because I pay for everything on my own rent, student loans, bills, gas, food the only thing shared it utilities and internet the rest is all me. If you have a partner you can split a good chunk of bills in half or if you still live with your family. I see everyday the benefits of these different lifestyles and I include myself in that as well because we may not have severe issues like clean water such as they have in a 3rd world countries.
        One thing I'm angry about is it that your version of "broke" means you can't buy X at the store or go to Y again this month. For me "broke" means eating roman for an entire week or never having left the county of LA not because I'm not dying to go to Vegas/San Diego/San Fran/Wine Country but because even gas costs something. It is not the same thing if you can come home and someone (partner/family etc) will feed you and there will be a roof over your head -there is no comparison. There is no safety net or guarantee for some people so right there PRIVILEGE. I'm also aware of the ways I am privileged for instance I have family who would be able to help me in emergencies. On Orange is the New Black when Taystee gets out of prison she has no family, friends, or money so she eventually, on purpose, gets herself put back in. There is no back up there is no plan B. I am so lucky to have choices and I accept how my choice has put me into the position I am in- I think that is called being an adult.
        A few months ago there was incident at work where an older male client gave me a ring and then due to policy (created because of this incident) I had to give it back. As I expressed my various feelings and concerns I had 2 very different general responses. From men they were basically "what did you do to make him do that?" "why do you think he'll do anything "bad" (stalk me, get angry, call me all the time)?" and "it's not a "big deal." From women the response I got was "Are you ok giving it back? Do you want me to be there?" "Would you want to see him or was it totally weird and unsolicited?"  I felt extremely "blame it on the victim" like and completely unsupported.
    I didn't know why I was having such an intense reaction to the situation back then and it isn't until now when I read this article about men being feminist allies did it click into place MALE PRIVILEGE. I was crying when one male counselor said to me "Would it make you feel better if I was there when you returned the ring" I was sooooo grateful because it did make me feel immensely better that this person would support me in something that he saw was challenging when another male straight up intentionally walked away at the same moment because he (who had literally nothing to do with it other then being my "friend") couldn't handle the awkwardness/pressure. When I asked gentleman A later on why he though to offer his support he said from a domestic violence perspective (he runs our DV program) "you as the front desk person are the most vulnerable" (meaning we are stationary, have set hours, and can be easily found/stalked/watched). I knew he was right because that was the same feeling I had and regardless of how "unlikely" or "unwarranted" it may seem. That fear is inherent as part of the social structure, gender roles, and general bs that I as a women feel ( I am only speaking for myself alone).
    Now let's fast forward to the present day when in the past month on various fronts have I been directly impacted by both wealth and gender privilege. I've been meaning to write about it for quite some time since it is very much on my mind. Of course in this world these things exist and really it seems like nothing can be done because they are so ingrained in our social life pulse. However the number one thing that can be done about any stereotype or privilege is awareness %110. You can't know when you are doing something wrong unless you educate yourself on what it means to be othered etc. The most important things we have are our words and actions. We must speak carefully, wisely, and from a place of love. We must act from a place of integrity, honesty, and openness.
   So you're probably asking what does all of that have to do with the title of the piece My Male Broke Feminist...... well on to that topic.... let's recap first
1) Privilege and Stereotypes exist in our current society
2) Only you can make smart, educated, thoughtful choices for your own existence and in turn betterment of the whole
AND THAT BRINGS US TO 3
3) Surround yourself with people who are standing up for the same

     I want to be around people who are active in being the best kind of people they can be. That's a huge reason why I choose to join my particular Buddhist organization. There are certain things romantically that are %100 deal breakers for me like not being a equal rights ally, being racist, being  elitist and not being a person who can speak from their heart. Today I realized I think a good man for me would be someone who knows what it's like to struggle (that's the broke part) and someone who can truly decide in their heart that equality among the sexes is important (feminist). During my last college class the TA was telling me about how her husband was a feminist and things he did rallies, talking to his friends, standing up for women etc and I was so amazed that a man like that existed. This idea is very important to me because not only do I believe in it but I want to be with someone who does as well. The hardships in life are there because they help us see the joy and the beauty. I'm willing to make a stand to educate myself, be an equal rights ally, and always be open to every individuals story and struggle. Will you do the same?

Pruning Privilege
Cute Cartoon About this Concept 

Sorta Syndrome

Sorta Syndrome- that moment in a potentially romantic relationship when both parties aren't really sure where they stand and neither will comment/commit so it becomes the epically ambiguous, sorta syndrome.

This week it has become abundantly clear that I continuously get in these sorta relationships ALL OF THE TIME. When straight up asking my high school crush if he ever liked me his ingenious response was "sorta" at this pivotal confessional moment years and years of "sorta moments" all came clicking into place.

        I think in our minds it is like the movies when two people meet they exchange some sexy glances, partake in some witty banter, and somewhere in their hearts they just "know." Not just in a "i'm physically attracted to you way" but in a solid way of "yes we both are equally into each other." I personally have never know if anyone likes me, ever.  I only get an answer if I initiate and do the asking. The response is NEVER "yes I am so into you let's do this." I'm not sure humans are even capable of being that open and honest! Here are a few examples of common sorta syndrome scenarios:

1) I do love you but.... basically I care about you I know we're great together but I don't want to be with you as a couple.

2) Were such good friends I don't want to mess up what we already have.

3) Deny Deny Deny- I am in complete denial about how I actually feel. I'm too scared/overwhelmed/excited (insert appropriate adjective here) to even consider dating you.

4) We're already great companions why do we have to label anything can't we just leave good enough alone?


       I think part of it comes from knowing what you want. What are you looking for in a future partner? What are you own goals and ambitions and can this person help you be the best person you can be to achieve that? I tend to have very strong opinions about what I want and don't so there are very few things I'm unsure about- the way men feel about me is probably the only one. I just want to shout from the top of my lungs "DO YOU LIKE ME ?!?!?!" My roommate informed me the lack of an answer is an answer. The entire book He's just not that into you is about this but is it that simple?
        For me there are always questions and I can get very in my head about what is happening. I doubt everything now because when I was younger I grossly romanticized and protected my self through false ideas. I learned that my interpretations of what were going on and what were actually going on were two totally different realities. Then I met someone and thought surely they are as connected to me as I to them- they weren't. After that I dated someone who was physically connected to me but still detached mentally. I was left wondering- is that all there is (insert musical notes here)?????
        Now I'm 26 having the exact same conversation I have had so many times before. When a person looks at you and says "sorta" does that actually mean "no" or just "i'm not sure"? Either way it does not mean "YES" I'm still trying to figure all this out but I do know I want a man to look at me and when asked "Do you want to date me?" there response would be an overwhelming "HELL YES!"I am not even sure such a thing exists but I do know I don't want to settle for a life stuck in sorta syndrome. I am awesome, strong, and I look really cute even without makeup. I, like every women, deserves someone who sees every aspect of their personality the good and the bad and loves them all. He thinks “All the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class included all the girls in the world except her, and they had all the usual human feelings and were very ordinary girls; while the other class -herself alone- had no weaknesses and was superior to all humanity.”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Or for a more modern twist: "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love Like I'm the only one who knows your heart Only girl in the world..."  RIHANNA - ONLY GIRL

See I'm the kind of girl who can quote Tolstoy and Rihanna and somehow make that work- i'm cool- who wouldn't want to say "HELL YES" to dating me ?!?! :)

The Rubix Cube of Life

          Today was a big day for me, this week was a big week for me....I turned 26. I've dreaded turning 26 since I was 22 and they changed all the health insurance laws so that by 26 you could no longer be on your parents health plans- I had nightmares about it for real. Then I was blessed enough to get a job where my benefits would start 3 months before I turned 26- I was beyond relieved. I also 26 as the age of "real adulthood" and whatever I conceived that to be. At 26 you're closer to 30 then 20 which in mind felt old. So about 2 weeks ago I asked Nicholas from the center for insight/information on the practice of a mindfulness which is a certain genre of meditation to ease stress in my case my impending birthday which was giving me mini panic attacks. This birthday in particular was making me deeply miss and think of my mother. The meditations made me realize that a birthday isn't just about the person who was born but also the mother who brought that child into the universe probably the closet human connection anyone can ever have.
        I have always believed that emotions can be processed better when you can identify the root of what is causing it. So here I was realizing why I was upset but then left wondering what to do about it. For me the answer is always chanting, I chanted she would give me a message in a dream. 2 nights later there was a bizarre dream but the main thing I remember was my Mom was going to be going somewhere without me and I was going to be left at this place alone. As I freaked out she said "It's okay you can do it alone." I woke up and all day those words resonated with me.

Fashion Alley

     On my actual birthday I was all over the place but I just took my time chanting, taking to my father and just getting my self together. Downtown was fun and total fashion madness. As I sifted through the glittering bejeweled everything I found some stuff that really fit my more eclectic sense of style. I miss judged the time and ending up rushing to work and by some miracle of the universe was only 7 minutes "late" which is still early (trust me on that one). As I turned the corner to my desk I saw a beautiful bouquet of pink roses and the room shouted "Happy Birthday." I was ecstatic it was a great moment. Then I realized my coworker hadn't left me anything and I did a whole little thing on hers... little did I know she hid a poster for me in the calender pages that I would find- she planned that to. Then Saman rapped for me my favorite line was "starting off with the original trauma the day you came outta your momma" it was precious and hilarious. Even Paul stayed after his shift to help me do some of the work I got backed up on being the center of birthday wishes. It was as good as being 2,500 miles away from everyone I love could be- I felt loved.

        Today was suppose to be the day I took off to "celebrate" my birthday and go to LACMA. However when I woke it was pouring and the idea of waiting for the bus in the rain then paying 15 bucks to not even see the outside stuff just seemed lackluster. I then proceeded to spend the day self reflecting and taking steps to really find a recourse to help with this reawakened grief. After calling Our House ( a local grief centered) they directed me to an additional recourse called "motherless daughters" that is specifically for girls who lost their mother before age 24= me. I had searched for such a group in MA back in 2009 with no success and now here before was exactly what I dreamed of. The individual counseling is a whopping 185 an hour! so i'm chanting for that to somehow manifest. The thing is unless it happened to you (losing a mother young) you have no idea what is it like you just don't know the pain. Either way just reading the blogs, stories, and annoyances women go through when other people who haven't lost a mother say "silly" stuff, I was relieved.
      It brought back this memory which I don't think I have shared until now I remember right after my mother died I had a major panic attack and the moment after that ended I thought "who is going to take me wedding dress shopping now, whose is going to help me raise good kids??" other women have that SAME feelings- I wasn't alone. I then did another mindfulness exercise and just tried to stop the intense gripping pain in my heart and the fact my lower back becomes like a solid rock when I start to acknowledge the pain. Afterwards I was off to a district Buddhist meeting. I can't pull anything from it particularly other then the theme was living as a lion hearted champion. Afterwards I was talking to Chantz and telling him the above written story he then proclaimed "Girl, you're like a rubix cube. You know ya just keep clicking those pieces into place, one by one heading towards that final cube." The was one of the best analogies someone has ever described me with... it fit. I felt like yes I am still working on myself and certainly on this motherless daughter thing. I am also working on becoming an adult women who is strong and fearless. I am 26 now and ready to walk into adulthood like a strong force of determination and openness.

My 5 Biggest Turn Offs

1) Making fun of my beliefs -whether that be my vegetarianism or that I'm a Buddhist. I don't tease you about eating flesh so why is it okay to say to me "you're a vegetarian, are you insane?" a direct quote from a guy I met last week. We were having a perfectly lovely conversation and geeking out over Doctor Who then that comment= lame. I also don't care if you believe in God but I don't... I respect all religions please respect mine.

2) Don't be a wuss- I've said it before and I'll say it again "I want a man not a boy who thinks he can." I think most women want that. If you can't stand up for what you believe in, can't follow your dream, or can't be honest- then I don't think we would make good life partners.

3) You can't handle tears- My emotions are my biggest strength and my Achilles heal. I cry often and not always because i'm sad. If tears scare you or you never cry yourself then you would be sick of me in .02 seconds=fact

4) You can't say "I Love You" even to a friend- I say I love you to anyone I really care about because I believe it's important and to many people don't ever know how loved they really are. You may not even know how much you care for someone until they're gone. It's important to be able to recognize your emotions and express them. I get it you're a guy that's not really your forte but refer to #2 and carry on.

5) You can't respect women's rights- here's the deal I believe women's bodies are our to decide what to do with. Why a man gets any say in what I wear, how I get my birth control, or how I live my life is beyond me.There was such much political hoopla in this past election about women's rights and I felt it was the 50's again. Come on people lets roll with the times women are powerful lets acknowledge this and move on! So if you have a feminist streak that's good with me, if you have ever said "if you want to be happy the rest of your life you've gotta make an ugly women your wife" and meant it... we're done.

This list is for entertainment purposes only and should in no way actually be used to determine if you would turn me on or off.

Breast Cancer: Awarness VS Profit

So in case you didn't know my Mother died of a rare form of breast cancer called triple negative breast cancer.  I am such a strong advocate for breast cancer awareness, finding a cure, and promoting women's health in general. What i'm not a fan of is the use of the cancer as commercial profit for companies. Like a Valentine's display or summer set up mid September hits and the Breast cancer stuff begins to appear like it's on some retail calender. Not only is it a continual reminder for me of the way she died ( I prefer to remember her as the strong amazing woman she was) I feel like it degrades the struggle that every women who has been afflicted with this disease went through or is currently going through. Many products have a 2% of the profit of this item goes to Breast Cancer Awareness........ really is there a foundation called "breast cancer awareness"? (update there's a website but it a vague statement regardless) If packaging says 2% goes to Susan G Komen for a Cure that mean something to me.. a real foundation that impacts the community and continually is fund raising to find a cure for breast cancer. Since I recently got a cash back credit card I have become very aware of how long it takes 2% to add up to anything remotely measurable. However the amount of profit for these mug companies still greatly outweighs any donation. Even my favorite brand of chips puts a pink label on for October. I do think there are some benefits..... maybe every time a women sees a breast cancer mug she'll remember to do a self examine. Maybe every time they use their pink pen at work they'll think of the struggles so many women have endured. Maybe one day a young girl or boy will see that display and ask "what's breast cancer?" then grow up to be the scientist who finds the cure... but for now make sure you really look at the product your buying this October and try to remember the awareness aspect of this upcoming month and not it's commercial value.


This chic agrees with me http://feministatsea.wordpress.com/2010/10/13/october-breast-cancer-fest/

The Good Ol Days of Facebook

First off I have barely ever in the history of fb deleted friends or messages. I literally had messages from the beginning of fb time 2005 from "my" football player, guys telling me how hott I was cheerleading lol, about how to get my keys to move in the first day of cheer camp. Then the Umass emails scheduling scene rehearsals, messages about papers, and group projects. Then condolence messages and I hope you wells. Of course all my party invites were scattered thought it all from bonfires, pool parties, and pvpa get togethers. I have one entire strand of a 2 year friendship in one insanely long message (revision they don't delete just archive that's BS unless you go into everyone and hit delete I never thought i'd say this but maybe I don't want my entire life achieved). Needless to say it was time to delete then there were the people. If I had even an inkling of desire to know about your life I kept you but seriously people from my freshman year of college I can't name one thing about- gone! It took 2 hours to delete 80 people and I gave up to be resumed another day.. my hand cramped! Fb get it together we want to delete stuff make it easier! I remember the good ol days when your school had to be on the list and in order to sign up you had to a valid school email that matched the list. Those were standards so you could post about you college parties, hookups, and mishaps. Now I shutter to think what some people can see if they go back far enough considering almost EVERYONE I know has fb yes even my grandfather. College is such a unique once in a life time experience that really should not be shared with the world. Now I love being able to see pictures and messages from my friends all over the world and my cousin Joan in Ireland it's great for that but timeline come on I don't want a digital record of my life in public I just don't. Right now I go from being born (to one parent Patty apparently I never linked my dad as my Dad?!? and Jennie Brown as my older sister) to the Basketball Hall of Fame in 2004 what?!?!??! I'm too much of a sentimentalist to delete the whole thing and start a new account but part of me really wants to it seems easier but there still is a cyber record of an account not that you can "see" but of course it exists you can never really delete something from the internet (note to self stop posting party pics) ~S~
 PS I watered this down and sent it to fb feedback

Princess Delusions

http://www.cracked.com/funny-4485-classic-disney-movies/

Like most little American girls I was raised on Disney Princesses and barbies. I always wanted a "my size barbie" but because I was on heavy medication as a child I was too big for my size barbie and was devastated. All of my earlier birhdays were princess themed mostly Ariel because I thought she was adventurous and Belle because I thought she was sweet. I once had a conversation with girlfriends on why do we identify with certain princess because they have similar traits to us or because be want to be like them??? Then we discovered our favorite princess often had the same hair color we did. subliminal messaging especially for the young and impressionable is something I became very aware of as a teacher when the girl were singing Katy Perry's teenage dream and swinging around the swing set poles like they were strippers. As I mentioned in a previous post I always had this strong desire to go to France and speak French when I finally arrived there I really thought about where that came from and all of a sudden Beauty and the Beast popped into my head the song "Bonjour" particularly standing out. Maybe watching My Friend Totoro over and over again sparked my interest in Japanese culture??? I remember the first time I was taught about anything remotely feminist by my 9th grade English teacher Molly saying they called it "his story" for a reason. Since that day men at work signs have always angered me. In college I became more aware of social norms, schemas, gender stereotyping and all that good stuff you learn from a liberal psyc education. Honestly I can't help but feel a little jipped because I feel programmed to believe in a silly structure I don't actually want any part of. At 25 I feel compelled to be married and have kids but it's really in no way what I actually want in this point in my life by that nagging thought it still continuously there. there really are no good and healthy relationship depicted in these movies whatsoever but yet they appeal to something deep in our psyches. what is it??? do we really just want to be rescued by a handsome man???I like to think we as women are better then that but currently i've seen nothing but the contrary. I think at some point you have to make a choice...is this what I really want or do I want something more substantial?? ~S~

Loans or Life: Our dependence on money

I "can't help" but laugh at the reality of my horoscope today: "You can't help but feel that your life would run much more smoothly if there were no such thing as money! You can't help but feel frustrated by the amount of time and energy you spend sorting out your financial affairs. Unfortunately, Shannon, today will be another day of doing just that. It seems some bills were neglected recently, and today you need to sit down at your desk and sort out the mess. It's no fun, but at least by the end of the day you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you straightened everything out." Well it's the end of the day and instead of sorting it all out I have instead managed to spend a shit load of money on groceries... 90 bucks. For fuck sake I try I REALLY try- this month I budgeted each week paying my loan first then rent and using the measly 50 left to eat so spending 90 isn't an option but I needed it all. I felt really happy today I got so much accomplished but then I look at my bank account and feel like a failure. What was the point of college where did it really get me?!?!? Of course in 2005 no one knew how the economy would suck in 2012 and how none of the people I graduated with have a decent job in their field. Can't you learn just as much from life as you can from school? I am happy that my well rounded education allows me to comment gracefully on many topics but it certainly has not contributed financially to any job I have had since then. I think it's sad that so much of our "security" is based on money. We feel so threatened when we don't have any money because society has brainwashed us. There were times of trade and communities who worked together for everything they had there was no fear they just did what was necessary to survive. I just think it is important for us to examine how we tend to let money control us and instead focus on real tangible things that will help make us follow our passion and in turn bring us financial stability. I refuse to let money have any control over my dream to be here. http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/obama-student-loan-push-helps-him-court-crucial-135330798.html

The "Hulk" in You

The release of rage

I have never been one to deal with anger well. If I am ever yelled at or even scolded I cry... I can't help it. People think anger and sadness are two different emotions but they are not. They're just different reactions to the same feeling of being upset and frustrated. For awhile I became intrigued by the idea of learning to box to focus angry energy and channel it, I think I want to look into that again. As an actress you have to be in touch with your emotions all of them so that you can summon them at any moment. If any particular emotion is blocked you're done for. I feel angry the most when things are beyond my control like my issue with the bank today. When someone says “Oh I’m sorry but there is nothing you can do at this time” it's a frustrating thing to hear. That’s when it takes the stronger power of wisdom and patience to figure out a solution. I am angry about a lot of things that happened when my Mom died and how I was told to do and be things I did not want to. However at the end of the day anger just eats you alive it's no good for the body or the soul. The opposite of anger is peace... a tranquility that only comes with acknowledging the anger and moving past it. I know this isn't the best blog but we all have to find a way to conquer are inner Hulk for tonight this blog needs to be mine.

This is an interesting article about anger http://www.thenoisecast.com/2011/04/defuse-my-anger/