It's Like Totally Primal

  

         There are just some things that we as humans don't really acknowledge in our daily day to day lives. Once thing I almost never think of is that fact I am a living breathing organism, a creature on this planet, a mammal with a high functioning brain capable of self thought and regulation. That more animal like side of our nature seems to lie dormant hidden behind cell phones and pre prepared food.  Try to picture yourself as a cave person what you have been a hunter or a gatherer? Were the cave girls walking around hiking up their loin cloths to attract the men!?!? No they used their senses and let pheromones guide the way. Instinctually we still have certain elements of that time in us like the fight or flight response. Or in a physical way we still have harry bodies and wisdom teeth we don't need that shit we got snuggys and utensils.      
         I'm very familiar with mating in the modern age and actually very well versed in dating in the 19th century (thank you extensive Jane Austen research) but we know nothing about our older ancestors. I guess when you're trying to survive all the time you probably don't have much time for threesomes and catty girl fights over who stole your man. Who am I to make assumptions maybe that's exactly what they did we'll never know (unless the Doctor does eventually find me and take me away for an adventure in the Tardis- still hoping)! We assume they were ruled by the more animal side and less cognitive. I on the other hand am always all up in my head and have to constantly remind myself to check in with what my body is telling me. This is most apparent when I'm realizing i'm spiraling into an anxiety attack of how some emotion i'm containing is messing up my health and well being. There are these rare moments in life when something seems to almost "trigger" something deep within us.
       I had a really exhausting day at work mentally and physically. I got yelled at and bullied and my senses were on overdrive from this god awful ringer on our new phone system. I was telling a guy who i've known for some time now a little about the ordeal. He got all manly and serious and said "You just give me names and addresses and I will take care of it for you. No one gets to make you feel bad." Was he half joking yes (if we was fully serious I would be scared) was he still half serious though-YES! I know if I had said the word he would have done it for me with out flinching but he is that kind of person a little rough and reactive but sweet. I countered "Don't joke I know you would" pointer finger out with a squinting silly mean face. He replied "Name the time and the place" and we both laughed.

It was a face kind of like this but more silly!

     Was it all in good fun- sure... but the more surprising aspect of the whole conversation was that it was kind of hot. Like I actually really enjoyed the idea that this guy would defend my honor by physically kicking some one's ass. Which is totally contrary to my beliefs as a Buddhist who is against violence completely! What made this incident even more interesting to me was the fact I had literally just the night before watched an episode of Louie called "Bully" (which can be found on netflix) where on a date he didn't stand up to this punk kid who was giving him a hard time. His date went from being totally DTF to turned off. She's surprised he's surprised and she chalks it up to primal instincts and goes home in a cab. I laughed because I thought that would never happen in real life like that- until it did- today but in the reverse. It only further proved to me that you will never truly know how you will react in any given situation until you are really in it.
      Years ago when my mom was gushing breast junk out of a tube I was able to pull my shit together and get her to the hospital- not everyone can do that, trust me. I can preform well under immense pressure but then my first time in front of a gigantic Hollywood camera as an extra I was mesmerized like a deer in head lights staring straight at the camera (the biggest don't rule in film acting)- point is you NEVER KNOW. So here I was looking at this guy thinking about this hypothetical ass whooping and I was impressed. My reaction was not only shocking to me but made me re question my ideas about pacifism. Apparently somewhere deep inside me the urge for either protection or a domineering fight for survival still exists.
      Maybe it's because i'm getting in touch with my personal more angry side. Or perhaps it's simply because it was nice to think someone would go to such lengths to protect me because they care. Either way it brought to my awareness something that probably deserves a little self reflection- luckily I'm one of those mammals with a super awesome pattern of brain schema's to help me put it all together- thanks evolution! 

The Hidden Clues of OKCupid Dating

Let's be honest it's hard to meet people this day in age. We don't have dance halls where the youth get all dolled up and go to the local community center in hopes of getting asked to dance by "the one". We're too scared to date anyone from work for fear of lawsuits or firing. Just saying "the bar scene" elicits an eye roll and deep sigh. So what is left in this modern world- online dating. Either you love it or you hate it- either way I have heard/lived all the pros and cons. In this digital age it only seems like the "natural" progression of courtship. Throughout my search for love in LA I have gotten my fare share on insane messages from men. I keep the most ridiculous because it amuses me as a sort of social experiment I can show my kids one day "Look what mommy put up with before she found daddy." Just kidding many of the messages I received are too raunchy I dare not even post them here let alone young naive eyes. I also doubt I will have kids and this idea of finding "the one" so that leaves me seeking adventures! Learn from my social experiment and note that the italicized responses after the message are my thoughts not my actual responses because let's be honest I didn't respond to most of these- if I did it's in green.

1. Any mention or reference to "fun" is casual sex I really can't pin point an example where this isn't the case. If you look under the what i'm looking for 100% of the time casual sex is listed. This is also the same kind of guy who write under the top 6 things you can't live without 1.Sex     really come on (insert eye roll)
1a-"hang out" 90% of the time also means sex
Message from SuperDuperSex69 Mar 24, 2013 – 11:54pm
hey there, you're hot, want to hang out and have some fun? 
Can we play board games- I love board games they are totally fun!
Message from Hangingout06 Jan 6, 2013 – 12:00pm
One night of fun lol
Only one night- not a whole lifetime?This isn't forever?

 2.  Nothing is subtle in an online dating profile. You describe exactly what you are like, your interests, the type of person you want to be with etc The reality is most people just look at your photos find one common show or interest and say some random thing in a message. The tango of seduction that happens in the realm outside the profile window is a mirage online.
Message from m0nm Apr 25, 2013 – 12:55pm
hello there
You have a striking resemblance to the girl I lost my virginity to. I'm willing to make the same mistake twice, if ya know what im sayin
Ya I think it's actually pretty clear dude but thanks for the compliment (is that a compliment??)...

3. Persistence is not cute-when it's online it's called cyber stalking. It's not real life where someone can "grow on you" over time as you get to know them more and fall for their little quirks. If someone does not respond they are not interested if you REALLY think there could be something amazing there a second message is okay. Realize however you're then playing your dignity against chance but it may work out so take the gamble if you dare. Note in the following example the change of tactic, time span of these messages, and increasing lack of subtlety (see clue 2)
Message from ClarkNY Apr 14, 2013 – 10:45am
You are ravshing!I am intrigued by your profile! very romantic! buy you a cup of joe? clark

Apr 15, 2013 – 9:06am
you are simply ravishing! buy you a cup of joe or a drink?clark
 
May 2, 2013 – 12:57pm
killer profile!! entertaining .. Informative and shoot milk out of my nose hysterical ..
you have me curious.. clark

May 4, 2013 – 12:05pm
nice profile .. Easy on the eyes..
check me out .... Meet tonight ?
After message 2 and looking at my profile like once a day every day I did write "I'm not interested" he responded "why not" one month later he came back-dude do you think I wouldn't realize - he was also much older
The internet is not real life so don't act like it.

4 Don't claim to "know" something about the depth of some one's human soul by reading 4 perfectly edited paragraphs about them also from their own self perspective which is of course glowing.
Message from incububs Feb 11, 2013 – 2:02am
I want to know you. You seem like someone worth knowing. Every day I feel like I’m surrounded by people with hard edges and sour faces but I get the sense that you’re different. Too often people seem to think that they have the answers to everything. Their faces are trapped in permascowls and they can’t be bothered with anything besides their own narcissism. You aren’t like that.
I'm so glad my profile shows you such a deep understanding of who I am... for all you know I could be working a catfish angel and be a man in China with some cute girl from LA's photos....(this is done way more then I care to acknowledge have you seen catfish them people are cra cra)

5. Leading with a negative is never a good idea or your drug use/boozing. Why would you want to show someone your faults/bad attitude/ negativity before even saying hi? Of course I'm from the positive thinking realm of Buddhism but really positive attracts more positive and you want a date right? Here are numerous examples of this starting with a negative....
Message from CallMeBigCountry May 6, 2013 – 11:17pm
So for the fact that no one responds to my messages on here, I am going to save all the cheesy pick up lines and things like that  I am a music artist looking for friends out in the LA/Venice Beach area. I am pretty much the best music artist (link removed)That's a link to my music, check it out, and go through a few, cause I guarantee at least 1 will be awesome to you, I got songs in many different genres If you ever want to just chill and smoke on the beach with the coolest homeless music artist you have ever met, hit me up

Message from DavisAggie
You have really pretty Fun Loving Irish baby blue eyes. In contrast, mine are Soul-sucking joyless adulthood Asian brown. You can probably out drink me too...

Message from mrtnz1 May 31, 2013 – 3:10am
Hi I'm jorge... What do you dislike most about the dating process?

Message from Eskwire11 Jun 23, 2013 – 4:50am
Did u just view my profile and not say hi?? Big mistake lady... Biiiiiig mistake!!

Jun 23, 2013 – 11:36am
are you quoting pretty woman?!? lol

Jun 23, 2013 – 11:38am
Lol nope. But I did like that movie.. So it may have had an effect :) what u doin? I'm confused as to why we aren't dating.. It's a travesty
 That is a pretty women quote so now you're plagiarizing and criticizing me for not messaging you yes that is a winning combo for romance!

So let's recap here first of all everyone likes sex so there is nothing charming about straight up asking for it. The girls who want that kind of "relationship" make it pretty obvious on their profiles. I do appreciate that you are being truthful one guy said to me "I really just want a passionate threesome" which I respected and declined. You want to be original and focus on the awesome things you have that make unique and stand out. Remember NO means NO not let me insult you while sending you 5 more messages. Save the fun of getting to know the person for the actual date and be a gentleman/lady there will be plenty of time in the future to let that dark side out to play!  

How we define "SINGLE" women

    

  

       So by definition I am a single women. Not married, no kids, and in nothing even close to resembling a fully committed relationship. I date- have my little dalliances and I am totally content with that. A few weeks ago at the motherless daughters group the group leader was going around noting the major life events each of us were currently undergoing that made us particularly vulnerable to missing our moms> She looks at Girl 1 "You're moving across the country" Girl 2 "You're about to have a baby" Girl 3 "You're engaged and planning a wedding" at this point my mind is reeling with what she is going to say about me. Shannon "and you....you (2 second pause) you have your emotions"she stumbles...... it took everything in my power not to laugh out loud in her face.
      Internally I was thinking okaaay sure if I'm not having a kid/getting hitched etc you have no social structure to define me but come on that's all ya got? Here are some things that could of actually described my current major life scenario "You have created a life surviving independently in this crazy city" or "wow you left everything you ever knew to follow your dream" or even "you run a counseling center that sees and helps hundreds of clients." But no I am the girl with emotions... really????
     It always seems like there are 2 camps of people the married one and the "others" which include people who make a choice not to tie the knot but are in committed partnerships, completely unattached people, and casual daters. I however don't like to label anything or anyone I see people as people with complicated lives and relationships. Sometimes this gets me into trouble because labels in turn create certain boundaries. Take away a boyfriend "label" and then you end up in this random undefined dating experience where introducing someone comes out like "and this is my boy space friend not a boyfriend I mean were (3 second pause)... chilling" Awkward smile awkward blush awkward laugh awkward look at the boy and quick look away- all hypothetically of course.
   There are so many ways to describe someone this post directly relates to my feelings on being called pretty- pretty is the new ugly http://shannontcassidy.blogspot.com/2013/03/pretty-is-new-ugly.html. I am more then pretty and single! I understand that the world as a whole needs to categorize people and tries to fit them into little boxes and I have ALWAYS been an outside of the box kinda gal. You can not define me you can only experience me and believe I am one hell of an awesome experience!

Sorta Syndrome

Sorta Syndrome- that moment in a potentially romantic relationship when both parties aren't really sure where they stand and neither will comment/commit so it becomes the epically ambiguous, sorta syndrome.

This week it has become abundantly clear that I continuously get in these sorta relationships ALL OF THE TIME. When straight up asking my high school crush if he ever liked me his ingenious response was "sorta" at this pivotal confessional moment years and years of "sorta moments" all came clicking into place.

        I think in our minds it is like the movies when two people meet they exchange some sexy glances, partake in some witty banter, and somewhere in their hearts they just "know." Not just in a "i'm physically attracted to you way" but in a solid way of "yes we both are equally into each other." I personally have never know if anyone likes me, ever.  I only get an answer if I initiate and do the asking. The response is NEVER "yes I am so into you let's do this." I'm not sure humans are even capable of being that open and honest! Here are a few examples of common sorta syndrome scenarios:

1) I do love you but.... basically I care about you I know we're great together but I don't want to be with you as a couple.

2) Were such good friends I don't want to mess up what we already have.

3) Deny Deny Deny- I am in complete denial about how I actually feel. I'm too scared/overwhelmed/excited (insert appropriate adjective here) to even consider dating you.

4) We're already great companions why do we have to label anything can't we just leave good enough alone?


       I think part of it comes from knowing what you want. What are you looking for in a future partner? What are you own goals and ambitions and can this person help you be the best person you can be to achieve that? I tend to have very strong opinions about what I want and don't so there are very few things I'm unsure about- the way men feel about me is probably the only one. I just want to shout from the top of my lungs "DO YOU LIKE ME ?!?!?!" My roommate informed me the lack of an answer is an answer. The entire book He's just not that into you is about this but is it that simple?
        For me there are always questions and I can get very in my head about what is happening. I doubt everything now because when I was younger I grossly romanticized and protected my self through false ideas. I learned that my interpretations of what were going on and what were actually going on were two totally different realities. Then I met someone and thought surely they are as connected to me as I to them- they weren't. After that I dated someone who was physically connected to me but still detached mentally. I was left wondering- is that all there is (insert musical notes here)?????
        Now I'm 26 having the exact same conversation I have had so many times before. When a person looks at you and says "sorta" does that actually mean "no" or just "i'm not sure"? Either way it does not mean "YES" I'm still trying to figure all this out but I do know I want a man to look at me and when asked "Do you want to date me?" there response would be an overwhelming "HELL YES!"I am not even sure such a thing exists but I do know I don't want to settle for a life stuck in sorta syndrome. I am awesome, strong, and I look really cute even without makeup. I, like every women, deserves someone who sees every aspect of their personality the good and the bad and loves them all. He thinks “All the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class included all the girls in the world except her, and they had all the usual human feelings and were very ordinary girls; while the other class -herself alone- had no weaknesses and was superior to all humanity.”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Or for a more modern twist: "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love Like I'm the only one who knows your heart Only girl in the world..."  RIHANNA - ONLY GIRL

See I'm the kind of girl who can quote Tolstoy and Rihanna and somehow make that work- i'm cool- who wouldn't want to say "HELL YES" to dating me ?!?! :)