Breaking the Rose Colored Glasses

For those of you who don't know this slightly dated phrase:

rose-coloured glasses  (British & Australian) also rose-colored glasses/rose-coloured spectacles (American & Australian/British)

 -if someone thinks about or looks at something with rose-coloured glasses, they think it is more pleasant than it really is. She's nostalgic for a past that she sees through rose-colored glasses.

** Press Play and listen while reading to get the post's full effect **

      "La Vie En Rose" is a famous Edith Piaf she sings  "Je vois la vie en rose" (I see life in pink). I always identified with this idiom. I am a dreamer, an idealists, and sometimes in a slightly unhealthy way choose to see the world through rose colored glasses. I've chalked it up to being "my nature" and allowed myself to be swept into a dream at times. It doesn't matter so much if the "dream" was once based in truth sometimes the most lovely of stories is spoken then gets exaggerated till it takes on a life of it's own becoming a whole new story indeed.

      This week I was reconsidering some of the major events I've choosen to see with a nice large pair of heart shaped rose colored glasses. I could go into detail but that would give away part of my novel (River Song: SPOILERS) so you must be content to take my word for it. It's not so important to know what events I looked at but more so that I NO LONGER wish to see them that way.

     In Buddhism we have this idea that you must look as yourself clearly and only then can you see the reality of your situation. "Nichiren Daishonin stressed the importance of self-knowledge and inscribed the Gohonzon – that is, the object of devotion—as a mirror to reflect our true self, our innate Buddhahood. He goes so far as to say, “No other knowledge is purposeful” " So how can one see themselves clearly if they are looking at their world in a tainted way ?!?!? The answer is... THEY CAN'T!!!

      So I A) Identified the idea/dream that I wanted to change B) Looked at my role in perpetuating that ideal C) Decided to try and change it-    Sure now that's all well and good but what's left? I still felt crushed, angry, confused and exasperated. When in doubt it's best to get advice from someone older and wiser then you. Our Men's Division Leader and amazing actor Ron Glass indulged me tonight when I asked "If someone is deep in the world of anger how do they change that poison into medicine?". The following is not a direct quote but a compilation of a few various things he said:

 "We are seeing the world through the prism of our own weakness. When we do this humanistic practice religiously nobody can sway our life condition. It's the inner transformation that allows us to deal with and have the wisdom to create value from our external circumstances. We should learn to use that anger to create value"

     I will willingly admit that I was in tears because it was exactly the guidance I needed to hear. It was a statement of hope but also change. At the end of the day we have to take responsibility for our own actions and the way we choose to see our world. I want to create value out of all the things I've experienced no matter how painful. I want to rip off the rose colored glasses and shatter them on a slab of concrete till they smash in a million tiny shards. It's important to me to identify the difference between something that actually is and something that I want it to be. I deserve the best kind of amazing story one that doesn't need a rosy tint to make it beautiful it will just inherently already be that way. I've officially broke the rose colored glasses, I hope they weren't Prada.

I made this little graphic as part of a future collage it fell out of my diary while I was writing today :)

    

The Human Emotion Barometer

So at the group last week the facilitator made this analogy about humans keeping an emotion barometer in a clear white tube all throughout their gut to their throat. The idea goes something like this.....
A a baby we just flat out express ourselves. If we are hungry we cry if something makes us happy we laugh it's simple, pure, true to the present moment, and 100% natural.
As a toddler we start to filter our emotions maybe a child takes away your favorite toy so you start to cry and an adult comes along and says "stop crying" this scares you so you stop and that emotion goes into your inner emotional tube.
As a kid you have more and more experiences and society teaches you the rules on how to be and not be. You look to peers and parents for affirmation you're doing "the right thing" anything that is deemed "the wrong thing" you keep inside you and your inner emotions fill up more and more
As a teen you are just frickin full of emotions and are still learning ways to express them in a healthy way at the same time your body is changing, your hormones are crazy, and you think you know everything which leaves you a hot mess- super filling up that tube.
As an adult you've now learned many things but you also have "learned"(behavior forming) things that make you present yourself in a particular away. You filter yourself, your environment, and push away all the things that don't fit into you definition of what you want to acknowledge (or if your one of the lucky ones you work on a path of inner peace :) so that tube stars getting filled to the brim.

Let's take me- I'm "sweet" the number one word people always use to describe me is sweet. After a few years of a friendship I get creative or witty but from casual acquaintances it is ALWAYS sweet. Can one person really be sweet all the time?!?!?
The answer: HELL NO!
        The emotion i'm most notorious for holding in is anger. For more thoughts on that see my past post The "Hulk" In You I remember in 7th grade my teacher yelled at me for chatting and I cried! I was so embarrassed I was 14 and crying because I got yelled at. To this day I do no do well with authoritative yelling (the army would be my personal hell). My frustration at something usually results in floods and floods of tears. Last week when I was denied something I very much needed all that could come out was tears I was sooooooooooo angry. I was not sad but I was so frustrated and the only way I could express myself was an outpouring of emotion via my tear ducts.
    Which brings me back to the emotional barometer. After years and years of containing all these emotions you have there reaches a point where you can just no longer take it and a release is inevitable. The extreme would be going bat shit crazy and like killing someone or getting drunk and spewing out all you deep dark thoughts about everyone and everything. Some people never "release" it and those are those high strung people who yell at traffic, the waitress, and anybody who crosses their path.
    On my journey one of the things that has helped me more then anything else throughout the years is writing letters. For me it provides a way to say everything I truly want to say without the other person's reaction in my face (which can seriously deter you from speaking your honest inner truth in person) I don't often give these letters to people which is a shame because the language is often very powerful, intense, and poetic. I've been sick for the past few months and my body literally started to reject anything I ate yet I gained a ton of weight clearly I was a mess. For me whenever the body goes haywire the solution is acupuncture and some serious talk therapy!
     I was warned that sometimes an outpouring of emotion comes after the treatment and I remember having immediate responses when I did acupuncture back in MA. At first I just came home and had the urge to write in my diary (yes I actually do right things not on the internet that I intend no one to see ever).  Then I felt the need to write a letter and then another then a third... at this point I was like you need to stop you have to go to work. So I dropped it for about 6 hours when I got home I went to continue my nightly routine of chanting, checking my sites, and Orange is the New Black ( seriously have you watched it yet it's sooo good)  but I felt strongly compelled to pick up that note pad again- the result... 5 more letters.
     I was truly shocked the only thing that made me stop writing was the fact it was 3 AM my writing looked like a 3 year olds and was completely illegible, and my eyes were swollen almost entirely shut from the tears. That probably sounds terrible but it was actually super amazing!!! It was so intensely cathartic and I felt like I was truly expressing myself for the first time in months. There was nothing "sweet" about it most of it was pure anger coming out in poetic lines of rage and it felt heavenly. After a second treatment it only went deeper which really helped me re define what I was angry about, the triggers, and what it all stemmed from.
     My emotional barometer was almost entirely shattered or at least seriously dumped out into like a sewer pit of shit. It was like everything I've been holding in about my Mom's death, my past loves, my current situation- everything was expelled. It was out on the table for only me to see so I could take a real hard deep look and put it back together in some semblance of inner sanity. There truly is something to be said for laying out all your cards on the table. So I took care of some Mom stuff with the group, got out all this inner rage through the letters, and I've taken steps to be more aware of how I hide the anger from myself and push it deep down inside me. I don't want to look back in another 2 years filled to the brim again with emotion. I want to live a life of truth it's all I've ever wanted and it's what I will strive for every day of my existence. How full is your human emotional barometer??? This chicks is looking a little full.....

I don't know if i've ever experienced an "emofunk" but it sounds kinda fun!

Sorta Syndrome

Sorta Syndrome- that moment in a potentially romantic relationship when both parties aren't really sure where they stand and neither will comment/commit so it becomes the epically ambiguous, sorta syndrome.

This week it has become abundantly clear that I continuously get in these sorta relationships ALL OF THE TIME. When straight up asking my high school crush if he ever liked me his ingenious response was "sorta" at this pivotal confessional moment years and years of "sorta moments" all came clicking into place.

        I think in our minds it is like the movies when two people meet they exchange some sexy glances, partake in some witty banter, and somewhere in their hearts they just "know." Not just in a "i'm physically attracted to you way" but in a solid way of "yes we both are equally into each other." I personally have never know if anyone likes me, ever.  I only get an answer if I initiate and do the asking. The response is NEVER "yes I am so into you let's do this." I'm not sure humans are even capable of being that open and honest! Here are a few examples of common sorta syndrome scenarios:

1) I do love you but.... basically I care about you I know we're great together but I don't want to be with you as a couple.

2) Were such good friends I don't want to mess up what we already have.

3) Deny Deny Deny- I am in complete denial about how I actually feel. I'm too scared/overwhelmed/excited (insert appropriate adjective here) to even consider dating you.

4) We're already great companions why do we have to label anything can't we just leave good enough alone?


       I think part of it comes from knowing what you want. What are you looking for in a future partner? What are you own goals and ambitions and can this person help you be the best person you can be to achieve that? I tend to have very strong opinions about what I want and don't so there are very few things I'm unsure about- the way men feel about me is probably the only one. I just want to shout from the top of my lungs "DO YOU LIKE ME ?!?!?!" My roommate informed me the lack of an answer is an answer. The entire book He's just not that into you is about this but is it that simple?
        For me there are always questions and I can get very in my head about what is happening. I doubt everything now because when I was younger I grossly romanticized and protected my self through false ideas. I learned that my interpretations of what were going on and what were actually going on were two totally different realities. Then I met someone and thought surely they are as connected to me as I to them- they weren't. After that I dated someone who was physically connected to me but still detached mentally. I was left wondering- is that all there is (insert musical notes here)?????
        Now I'm 26 having the exact same conversation I have had so many times before. When a person looks at you and says "sorta" does that actually mean "no" or just "i'm not sure"? Either way it does not mean "YES" I'm still trying to figure all this out but I do know I want a man to look at me and when asked "Do you want to date me?" there response would be an overwhelming "HELL YES!"I am not even sure such a thing exists but I do know I don't want to settle for a life stuck in sorta syndrome. I am awesome, strong, and I look really cute even without makeup. I, like every women, deserves someone who sees every aspect of their personality the good and the bad and loves them all. He thinks “All the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class included all the girls in the world except her, and they had all the usual human feelings and were very ordinary girls; while the other class -herself alone- had no weaknesses and was superior to all humanity.”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Or for a more modern twist: "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love Like I'm the only one who knows your heart Only girl in the world..."  RIHANNA - ONLY GIRL

See I'm the kind of girl who can quote Tolstoy and Rihanna and somehow make that work- i'm cool- who wouldn't want to say "HELL YES" to dating me ?!?! :)

5 reasons why acupunture kicks ass

 

         So my body had been leading a revolt against me since the wisdom teeth removal a month ago. My abdomen ballooned out to epic proportions, I threw by back out, and the my wrist began flaring up again. I was loosing it and then I remembered a friend of a friend (Alex) who I met at a party does acupuncture. I'm pretty broke and thought of going to a traditional doctor did cross my mind but all I wanted was acupuncture. It transformed me 2 years ago after my mother's death and all that trauma/stress I endured in my body. I basically came to realize it was 100% necessary for my health and I went today. My body feels a gazillion times better!!! When I went in I could only lift my leg to about 35 degree angle when I left I could do a solid 90 on both legs! I have energy and the overall fluidity of my joints it also improved. So I would like to share 5 reasons why acupuncture is an amazing experience:

1) You get to feel the inside of your body like you can't in any other way I have experienced. Usually we only pay attention to our muscles and nerves  if they are in pain or we are working out. However when you're on the table (if you really relax and let you mind be still) you can feel the nerve paths, interconnectedness of you as a living organism, and literally the energy flowing through you. It's a surreal feeling that it totally unexplainable you've got to feel it to understand it.

2) Your body heals- enough said

3) The acupuncturist takes into account your entire being in terms of physical, mental, emotional health to create a full body healing plan. Unlike western doctors they don't judge or try to make you conform to their personal beliefs in your health. I am so NOT about judging so this really works for the way I think and want to be.

4) The feeling that you along with the acupuncturists knowledge/needles have the power to change and effect your condition is beyond reassuring. Sometimes we think "why is my back spasming again" or "why am I always feeling lethargic" the solution is in you. This is a key Buddhist idea to which is that you have are the ultimate influence to yourself. Sometimes pain is debilitating- I felt so lost in my own body the last month and now I feel present and grounded.

5) For me the practice also gives me an element of hope. Hope that I will heal- hope that I will feel better- and hope that I will be able to the dancer pose in yoga again sometime soon. Western medicine does not give me hope it diminishes me and makes me feel bad about where I am right now.

I feel so grateful for the experience I had today and much more ready to conquer the world.
If you're in LA and want to try it out get in touch with Alex: Balance Within Medical Acupuncture

The Good Ol Days of Facebook

First off I have barely ever in the history of fb deleted friends or messages. I literally had messages from the beginning of fb time 2005 from "my" football player, guys telling me how hott I was cheerleading lol, about how to get my keys to move in the first day of cheer camp. Then the Umass emails scheduling scene rehearsals, messages about papers, and group projects. Then condolence messages and I hope you wells. Of course all my party invites were scattered thought it all from bonfires, pool parties, and pvpa get togethers. I have one entire strand of a 2 year friendship in one insanely long message (revision they don't delete just archive that's BS unless you go into everyone and hit delete I never thought i'd say this but maybe I don't want my entire life achieved). Needless to say it was time to delete then there were the people. If I had even an inkling of desire to know about your life I kept you but seriously people from my freshman year of college I can't name one thing about- gone! It took 2 hours to delete 80 people and I gave up to be resumed another day.. my hand cramped! Fb get it together we want to delete stuff make it easier! I remember the good ol days when your school had to be on the list and in order to sign up you had to a valid school email that matched the list. Those were standards so you could post about you college parties, hookups, and mishaps. Now I shutter to think what some people can see if they go back far enough considering almost EVERYONE I know has fb yes even my grandfather. College is such a unique once in a life time experience that really should not be shared with the world. Now I love being able to see pictures and messages from my friends all over the world and my cousin Joan in Ireland it's great for that but timeline come on I don't want a digital record of my life in public I just don't. Right now I go from being born (to one parent Patty apparently I never linked my dad as my Dad?!? and Jennie Brown as my older sister) to the Basketball Hall of Fame in 2004 what?!?!??! I'm too much of a sentimentalist to delete the whole thing and start a new account but part of me really wants to it seems easier but there still is a cyber record of an account not that you can "see" but of course it exists you can never really delete something from the internet (note to self stop posting party pics) ~S~
 PS I watered this down and sent it to fb feedback

Princess Delusions

http://www.cracked.com/funny-4485-classic-disney-movies/

Like most little American girls I was raised on Disney Princesses and barbies. I always wanted a "my size barbie" but because I was on heavy medication as a child I was too big for my size barbie and was devastated. All of my earlier birhdays were princess themed mostly Ariel because I thought she was adventurous and Belle because I thought she was sweet. I once had a conversation with girlfriends on why do we identify with certain princess because they have similar traits to us or because be want to be like them??? Then we discovered our favorite princess often had the same hair color we did. subliminal messaging especially for the young and impressionable is something I became very aware of as a teacher when the girl were singing Katy Perry's teenage dream and swinging around the swing set poles like they were strippers. As I mentioned in a previous post I always had this strong desire to go to France and speak French when I finally arrived there I really thought about where that came from and all of a sudden Beauty and the Beast popped into my head the song "Bonjour" particularly standing out. Maybe watching My Friend Totoro over and over again sparked my interest in Japanese culture??? I remember the first time I was taught about anything remotely feminist by my 9th grade English teacher Molly saying they called it "his story" for a reason. Since that day men at work signs have always angered me. In college I became more aware of social norms, schemas, gender stereotyping and all that good stuff you learn from a liberal psyc education. Honestly I can't help but feel a little jipped because I feel programmed to believe in a silly structure I don't actually want any part of. At 25 I feel compelled to be married and have kids but it's really in no way what I actually want in this point in my life by that nagging thought it still continuously there. there really are no good and healthy relationship depicted in these movies whatsoever but yet they appeal to something deep in our psyches. what is it??? do we really just want to be rescued by a handsome man???I like to think we as women are better then that but currently i've seen nothing but the contrary. I think at some point you have to make a choice...is this what I really want or do I want something more substantial?? ~S~

Loans or Life: Our dependence on money

I "can't help" but laugh at the reality of my horoscope today: "You can't help but feel that your life would run much more smoothly if there were no such thing as money! You can't help but feel frustrated by the amount of time and energy you spend sorting out your financial affairs. Unfortunately, Shannon, today will be another day of doing just that. It seems some bills were neglected recently, and today you need to sit down at your desk and sort out the mess. It's no fun, but at least by the end of the day you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you straightened everything out." Well it's the end of the day and instead of sorting it all out I have instead managed to spend a shit load of money on groceries... 90 bucks. For fuck sake I try I REALLY try- this month I budgeted each week paying my loan first then rent and using the measly 50 left to eat so spending 90 isn't an option but I needed it all. I felt really happy today I got so much accomplished but then I look at my bank account and feel like a failure. What was the point of college where did it really get me?!?!? Of course in 2005 no one knew how the economy would suck in 2012 and how none of the people I graduated with have a decent job in their field. Can't you learn just as much from life as you can from school? I am happy that my well rounded education allows me to comment gracefully on many topics but it certainly has not contributed financially to any job I have had since then. I think it's sad that so much of our "security" is based on money. We feel so threatened when we don't have any money because society has brainwashed us. There were times of trade and communities who worked together for everything they had there was no fear they just did what was necessary to survive. I just think it is important for us to examine how we tend to let money control us and instead focus on real tangible things that will help make us follow our passion and in turn bring us financial stability. I refuse to let money have any control over my dream to be here. http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/obama-student-loan-push-helps-him-court-crucial-135330798.html

How to End a Bad Habit

Which path do you choose?

So depending on when I am scheduled I inevitably ending up taking my lunch break during either the Ellen Degenerous Show, The Windy Williams Show(how you doooinn), or Anderson Cooper. This also usually runs into TMV Live and the People's Court..... not my choice but it's the breakroom's standard. Today is was Anderson, and the topic bad habits. Immediately when one mentions bad habits you suddenly think about all of your own. I think my worst habit is laziness, followed by the common girl problem of emotional eating, and of course as mentioned in an earlier blog drunk texting. Charles Duhigg explains the 4 step process to changing any bad habit:

1. Identify the routine- what is the habit you are doing?
2. Identify the reward- what do you get from completing the routine behavior?
3. Isolate the cue- what is triggering your behavior?
4. Have a Plan- “The next time I see the cue, I’m going to do ‘x’ and my reward is going to be ‘y.’”

Lets take emotional eating something girls do ALL THE TIME!!

1. I think I have worked so hard I deserve to eat this pain au chocolate as a reward for my efforts and dedication
2. I get a sense of satisfaction a treat for doing a good job
3. Feeling like I do so much that it not appreciated
4. Next time when I am at work and feel that way I will instead take a break at the scenic overlook of LA/the hills and remember how much I accomplished by coming here!

Good plan! right?!?!? When it's broken down to those simple steps ANYTHING becomes possible. It even works for mental behaviors which apparently is all explained in Mr Duhigg(what an amazing last name)'s book The Power of Habit if you would like to see the interview and tips you can watch it at http://www.andersoncooper.com/2012/04/10/dr-charles-duhigg-tips-on-how-to-break-a-bad-habit/

There are some other things I am currently working on "breaking" considering I need to be a complete open book to act it's all a part of giving it 100% plan a step closer each day~S~