28 and Never Been in a Relationship

      

        So this isn't like never been kissed where some horribly dorky goal gets a makeover and finds a really great guy. It's the story of a someone whose had her fair share of dorky phases but it generally considered pretty. The story of someone who can strike up a conversation with just about anyone and be engaging. The story of one girl who at 28, even with several lovely traits to recommend her, has never been anyone's girlfriend. For the purposes of this article we are disregarding the writers 1 day "relationship" in 6 th grade and 3 day "stint" in 7th grade although both these guys are still in her life and she's glad of it. This is the story of how turning 28 hit her heart in a totally unexpected way.
         It started with a thought, as most of my articles do, when I was at my birthday party and realized huh- when I was a teenager I always imagined i'd get married at 28. It was what my young naive brain considered an ideal timeline "oh i would have met someone by 25 we could have had 3 years traveling, hanging out, and being awesome, I don't need to get married earlier, then have my first kid by 30." For the past few years this imaginary deadline never came to mind but for some reason dressed in 70's garb drinking an alcoholic snow cone in Hollywood it did. In immediate fear and shock I pulled out my phone to check happn and see the immediate men in my vicinity at that moment. Thinking maybe it's tonight, maybe it's now.... it wasn't.
          Truly 28 was just this arbitrary number that seemed to fit into the plan of what I imagined my life to be what my 16 year old self wanted. My 28 year old self can not imagine being married right now it's hard enough planning a date with my schedule let alone a full blown partnership. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks a few mornings after. Michael was imparting his sage wisdom that "it's better to not drink at all then have one beer." To which I turned to him and said "Michael I will always care for him but he is not what I want anymore. He's not the man because X, Y, Z. Also because I want someone who wants me. Where we look into each others eyes and pick each other. I've never been anybody's girlfriend I've never been in a reciprocal love relationship and I'm 28 and that sucks" I was crying at this point. He stared back at me with a deep look of sadness. I turned away and murmured "I try -I don't what else to do" and he answered with his usual retort "it's a numbers game you just" " i know I know" I stop him begging not to hear this theory again.
           The idea just kept ruminating in the back of my psyche popping up every few hours nagging at the part of my conscious brain that just didn't want to pay it any mind. Is this me? or some societal deadline i'm inflicting on myself? It's me I want this- let's be real with ourselves we want this... it went on this way for a week. I had a meetup with a guy from tinder who was hosting and preforming a comedy show in Hollywood. I dragged my friend after work to go but the whole event was closing down as we got there and I only saw him briefly twice before he seemingly vanished. Not wanting to seem to eager and say hi when I first arrived and then he didn't respond to my text. To make the situation more interesting we were drinking "the nectar of the gods" amazon meal that is suppose to illicit fertility and sexual vigor.

           He was insanely attractive, a dj, a comedian oh and had a beard :) but this was a fail all around.We decided to try our luck strolling down hollywood blvd on the walk of fame. We split a slice of pizza and meandered by the bars looking to see who was out and what we could find. Standing outside the W peering into the outside bar my friend said "Soul mate are you there?!? ( long pause) no my soul mates not here." She made a very sad dejected pout face hung her head and pretended to be crushed. This joke became our new thing as we walked in and out of places looking for our soul mates. It was silly we were having but the underlining truth was that two sexy, awesome, intelligent, ladies were both still very single.
         We went into a sports bar after I announced "come on a sports bar will have guys let's go." She suggests doing a lap which I pleasantly agree. It's one of my personal favorite ways to "scope out the scene" also good for celebrity spotting and finding the emergency exits. As we passed these 2 gentleman at the corner of the bar they totally turned their heads and were checking us out. I say over my shoulder "did you see that?" "yep" she smirked back. We decide to leave anyway but being in this playful mode I go over to the window outside to see if there still there. We were lingering joking around about fried chicken when the taller bearded guy came into the lobby and looked out at us. I looked back told her to come look. It sounds truly ridiculous now recanting this back and forth game but we were just fucking around and certainly not taking our search seriously at all. We continued on our way to a convenient store to look at the fake Oscars. When low and behold who come into the store a few moments later but the 2 guys.
          She looks at me and snickered "you know these are the guys right" to which I respond "I know" with a smirk. I don't know how it happened but it mere few seconds i'm now dancing with a Jewish Seth Rogen look alike in the middle of a convenient store on the walk of fame. Banter goes on about my key necklace being the key to my heart her crystal necklace holding secret powers blah blah blah. We continue talking outside for about a half hour and the conversation went in all the ridiculous ways first conversations usually do.
            I became really aware in that moment their are two kinds of girls when it comes to leaving men your not interested in. Type A: the ones who don't engage in conversation or politely say bye i'm not interested etc and leave Type B: the ones who even though they aren't interested stay. This situation has happened so many time in my various bar, club, event settings but for whatever reason at this moment it becomes clear. I am the type A girl I would rather being doing anything else more worthy of my time then spending another second around someone who can't doesn't spark my intellectual interests. She's type B and the slow decline of conversations spirals to a level of boredom all of us are too polite to exit from.
     The highlight of the conversation and the purpose for all this back story is:
Bearded guy: I have a guestion when you ladies came into the bar you clearly seemed like you were looking for something... what was it?
( we exchange glances)
Friend: french fries
Me: ya we had pizza and we've been walking up and down the bulevard looking for fries
Bearded guy: there's a fry shop over there (points) or the bar had fries- I don't beleive you for a second what were you really looking for?
Me: Do you really want to know? Truly? (he nods) soul mates
Both guys laugh
Bearded Guy: fair enough mission I can't knock that

        It's interesting because you can't really knock someone for looking for love it's the most honorable search in life.  No matter what people say at then end of the day everybody wants to be loved even if they ago about in truly fucked up ways sometimes. As we recounted the whole evenings events in the car we noted how nice it was how these guys made the effort to follow and initiate talking. It's rewarding to feel wanted by someone every now and again even if it doesn't necessarily go anywhere after that. For me it was like something out of a movie beyond what my younger self could have imagined about being in LA and what I'd be up to at 28.
         I openly admit I was a bit butthurt (god I hate that term) about the Tinder guy and the fact I didn't randomly meet a guy who was into me.  My friend on the other hand actually went out with one of the guys the next night! I am frustrated because I don't know how more transparent I can be. I'm open and honest about my intentions and what i'm looking for. I only engage in things that seem to be on that same page of what I want. And after all these "experiences" I've had over the past few months I feel utterly disheartened.
       A second incident, that will be mentioned in another blog, happened on Friday night that pretty much sealed it for me. Now is not the time for what ever reason the universe is being very clear- NO. A friend mentioned for all of my efforts that perhaps i'm trying to manifest something too hard. It saddens me that at my age I've never dated anyone seriously and if i'm being honest not even come close.  I've dated casually a lot but never with a commitment or title attached. I openly acknowledge the role I potentially played in protecting myself from being hurt perhaps. However when all if said and done I just don't understand why.

Dateable VS Fuckable

          In talking with my friends the past few weeks I have been blown away by the fact that so many girls are always left wondering what is the difference between them being somebody a guy would date and somebody who they just want to sleep with. I decided to ask people in my environment (in an attempt to get some answers for myself and my girls) about what they found to be the difference between the two. The results were pretty surprising considering there isn't one straight answer. I put a post on Facebook to see if I could get any of my male friends to simply answer the question and surprisingly, actually not surprisingly because it's VERY revealing about one's character, there was very few responses. Maybe it's because they don't want to share because we're friends but more so I think it's because it's not a conscious thing. I think they tend to think about it as something that happens on a more subconscious level.

        So I took this conundrum to work because I thought 'hey therapists will talk about these kind of things right?' The conversation we had came up with 2 main factors. One being what we defined as the perceived level of sluttiness. Note this does not rely on how sexually active the person actually is but rather how the other person perceives them. The second being desire to date during the daytime. See when you take away the booze there's no illusions of the night and there's less shadiness. Can you picture yourself out in the world with this person in full light where the whole world can see you? I considered this a pretty accurate conclusion but then I found so many more answers based on people's maturity, individualism, and openness to respond truthfully.

         I received a simple text answer from a friend with a mere two words "forbidden fruit" every time he elaborated he just continued with more innuendos but nevertheless I thought it was an interesting response. I do think that the allure of an unknown person would greatly change the desirability of that person. On the other hand there also is an element of time lessening/increasing this person's desirability. Is this person there for a single day or are they going to be in my environment all of the time. People are more willing to take risks when the potential amount of time spent together is lower.

      My favorite answers came from men who I consider having moved passed the immature douchey stage. An old high school friend said "There really isn't a difference between a girl I would date and a girl I would just sleep with because if I were willing to sleep with them then chances are I'd want to date them."My roommate believes it's a combination of having no expectations for any given experience and to let things happen organically. Nothing forced, no set ideas about what's happening, but just to go with the flow and see how things play out. These seem like more mature views a more adult like stance so to say. Both no longer see the point in just "hooking up" unless there is a potential for something more even if it's just casual not monogamous dating.

         The opposite of "adult" is the straight up insanity that is found online. These days the internet provides a plethora of opinions and an open forum to express that ridiculousness without revealing your identity. This "article" from Elite Daily- The voice of generation-Y   The Girls You Hook Up With Vs. The Girls You Marry is an example of a very male driven simple view on this complex topic. I can't tell you how many times I rolled my eyes reading this 20? 40? 75??? I mean it was a lot! The medium of the internet gives the anonymity for people to say what they want to say without judgment of others responses in their face. The following responses all came from a Reddit forum thread and they show various opinions about what guys think in regards to this question. 

Some fast and quick opinions....
Atheleus Availability?
yourhometownsucks Usually about 40 pounds.
gravitykillsbabies  A paper bag
M-Lin Anal
helloreddits456464 About 50 IQ points

You can see here that they really were not holding back anything.
Now this little gem is my favorite response for it's ridiculousness.....
homeboy5925 a hook up (aka a "jump off") is basically anyone who is willing/stupid enough to have sex with you. Dating standards are much higher. Sex is great but at the end of the day I want someone I can smoke weed and watch Hey Arnold with.

Those who think it's purely a looks thing:
tmc_throwaway
-Hookups tend to be based on aesthetics and sexual chemistry alone. I had sex with a lot of women who were absolutely not my type (vastly different interests, beliefs, etc) and it was purely about the physical. If a girl took an emotional shine to me it was a turnoff.  Every new attractive hookup was an affirmation of self, and my batting average was high.
I really don't wanna come off like a misogynist, but I respect a woman more if she doesn't just put out straight away. It's down to trust and I don't think I could trust a girl who would just sleep with me the first time we meet to not do the same with others.
-Date material on the other hand, insofar as my subjective notion of it applies, is a girl who is creative, intelligent, fun, sweet, interesting, etc - all the things my girlfriend is. I love spending time with her, I consider myself lucky to know her, and I trust her. That's the real difference, I guess.

Dresden_skyline

Hot, want to fuck her - hook up.
Hot, want to talk to her, fuck her, do things for her, fuck her, want her to like you, buy her things, fuck her - date.

SixShotSamYou want to sleep with both. You only want to wake up next to one.
SAHDman Attractive? Hook-up. Attractive, smart, and sane? Dating material

"hot" vs. "beautiful."
McWake (WRITTEN BY A FEMALE)
"Hot" or "hook up" worthy is the girl or guy you see at a bar and you really just want to see them naked. You don't really want to have to talk to them. "Hot" is a bar hook-up, or someone's hot body, or a nudie picture. "Hot," I think, is young and temporary and shallow, but, obviously, it is a pretty good thing to be.
"Beautiful" is the man or woman you see somewhere, and you can't help but think "Woah." You want to have coffee with them or wake up next to them or date them for a year. "Beautiful" is solid and it ages nicely and it is the kind of person you really want to date and get to know.
I think that line between hot and beautiful also usually ends up being the line between hook up and date.


Madonna Whore Complex:

"The seemingly conflicting desires that some (but certainly not all) men have for a woman who is experienced in the bedroom and unashamed of showing sexual prowess ("whore"), but at the same time a woman who is wholesome, clean and nuturing ("madonna"), particularly enough to not be branded a "slut"." (urbandictionary) 

It's apparent that this complex is pretty common now a days and it's very polarizing to woman either i'm a slut or a prude. Yet in reality we are everything and nothing we are just people.

WarPhalange The first one I think about while masturbating. The second one I think about while masturbating, and then feel bad about it.Masturbating to a girl reduces her to a sex object. I don't care if it's just some hot chick I have no feelings for or vice versa. But if it's a girl I'd want to date, that means I care about her on some level and would rather not reduce her to a mere sex object.
KCisTall Hookups I worry about whats going in her mouth and Dating i worry about whats coming out.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T
rosAccosted How much respect I have for her as a person.
Seems harsh, but I honestly only feel that undeniable desire to date a girl who thinks and acts in ways I respect. Her thoughts and opinions on the world, how she carries herself and interacts with other people, and the connection I feel for who she is. Finding a pretty face in a crowd isn't tough, finding one I cant walk away from is.
AKA: A bar star might be a nice fuck, but if she cant hold a good conversation and entertaining time with me, shes not going to get any further than that.

Some men feel that intelligence really is a turn on for them and if the girl is not smart they don't want to do it.
kamikaze_tsunami Eh. Just can't really enjoy it if I know she's a complete idiot.
Phallic Let's face it, if she doesn't have her Ph.D yet she's not worth a bang
NawNaw  And I'm just saying a one night stand hook-up is a form of instant gratification (boiling down the courting process to hours) and that intelligence of a mate is more attributed to a long term benefit in a relationship and would be rendered inert if said relationship is less than 24 hours.
angusthebull I want to respect the girl I'm fucking, even on a one night stand.
notthegolfer Oh I'll respect her. That's why I leave quietly. (Douche comment but kinda hilarious)

We all know I think language is sexy but in case you forgot: Words Are Sexy Blog

Some men like to use their intelligence to answer the question:
ShabbySheik
Girl I'd hook up with (I believe I could explain it better with a simple equation.)
(X x 1) + 3 + (A + Y / 2) = Z
X = The girl's level of attractiveness on a scale of 1-10 (Note: A girl can be a zero, as in no attraction whatsoever. In this case, there is no possibility of me sleeping with her.)
Y = The number of months it's been since I've had sex
Z = If Z >= 10 I'm probably willing to sleep with her

Some men weigh the pros and cons:
(This is my overall favorite for most logical, thought-out, and honest response)

BaseballGuyCAA

The best analogy I can think of is the difference between an enlisted member of the Navy and a Navy SEAL. As men, we have two very distinct sets of standards. Generally speaking, the "hookup" standard is anywhere from a tick to a massive chasm lower than the "dating" standard. Want my cock tonight? If you're reasonably attractive, not a total bore/annoyance, and interested, you can make it happen. It's no commitment, so there's no need to delve too deeply into it. Many, many girls can pass the "hookup" standard.
However, dating means commitment. Dating carries a tremendous opportunity cost for the sexually active single male. You are throwing away an unknown amount of pussy, of unknown quality. It's like telling a game show contestant not to take the mystery box. Experience tells you that the prize inside is going to disappoint, but it'll all be worth it that one time when the box has tickets to Hawaii in it. Similarly, your experience tells you that most drunken random sexual partners will range from "mediocre" to "above average," but the fantasy of going home with the double-jointed gymnast overpowers that.
So if a man can find sexual satisfaction while single, the cost-benefit analysis of a relationship is pretty uneven. In order for the perceived benefits to outweigh the perceived costs, the girl in question needs to be an absolute no-brainer. Meeting the bare-minimum hookup standard isn't good enough. You've got to be a total package. Physical attractiveness, intelligence, sense of humor, core values, etc. Sexual compatibility is huge, too.
Just because you meet the hookup standard doesn't necessarily mean you meet the dating standard. It's unfortunate, but true.
The problem is, most women don't operate this way. The gap between "hookup-worthy" and "couple-worthy" is usually a lot smaller. From my experience, if a girl is willing to sleep with you she's at least curious about a possible relationship. If things are going well and you're seeing each other regularly (even if it is only for sex), she takes this as a sign that you want to see her, and things are progressing. Even though there is a better-than-average chance that it's just a sign you want your dick wettened.
          The short version of the above? I'll hook up with just about anyone reasonable. But for me to commit, I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and say "I would have to be absolutely insane to pass on this girl."

        It's taken me over a month to compile this and process my own views enough to form a coherent conclusion. I went on a real date last week one that was planned out, agreed to by both parties, fun and pleasant. No silly business, in the day time, and he paid for my hot chocolate, muffin, and he even brought to the date one of my favorite things, blueberries. There are people who want to date in the traditional sense of the word- it's just taken me over a year to find a single one in this entire city. I think many factors come into each man's personal choice. Level of maturity, I think is a huge one, past encounters and experiences, moving past the the wild college day mentality and growing up a bit, and willingness to be open to something real whether that includes commitment, time, current life focuses etc.The bottom line is there is no one answer each man has their own standard as unique as the person they are.....So sorry ladies you're going to have to figure out each one... there's no golden rule here. Every guy has there own standard for girls that they will date vs girls they just want to hop in bed with. Best of luck deciphering where you fall- the universe knows they don't always make it easy!

It's Like Totally Primal

  

         There are just some things that we as humans don't really acknowledge in our daily day to day lives. Once thing I almost never think of is that fact I am a living breathing organism, a creature on this planet, a mammal with a high functioning brain capable of self thought and regulation. That more animal like side of our nature seems to lie dormant hidden behind cell phones and pre prepared food.  Try to picture yourself as a cave person what you have been a hunter or a gatherer? Were the cave girls walking around hiking up their loin cloths to attract the men!?!? No they used their senses and let pheromones guide the way. Instinctually we still have certain elements of that time in us like the fight or flight response. Or in a physical way we still have harry bodies and wisdom teeth we don't need that shit we got snuggys and utensils.      
         I'm very familiar with mating in the modern age and actually very well versed in dating in the 19th century (thank you extensive Jane Austen research) but we know nothing about our older ancestors. I guess when you're trying to survive all the time you probably don't have much time for threesomes and catty girl fights over who stole your man. Who am I to make assumptions maybe that's exactly what they did we'll never know (unless the Doctor does eventually find me and take me away for an adventure in the Tardis- still hoping)! We assume they were ruled by the more animal side and less cognitive. I on the other hand am always all up in my head and have to constantly remind myself to check in with what my body is telling me. This is most apparent when I'm realizing i'm spiraling into an anxiety attack of how some emotion i'm containing is messing up my health and well being. There are these rare moments in life when something seems to almost "trigger" something deep within us.
       I had a really exhausting day at work mentally and physically. I got yelled at and bullied and my senses were on overdrive from this god awful ringer on our new phone system. I was telling a guy who i've known for some time now a little about the ordeal. He got all manly and serious and said "You just give me names and addresses and I will take care of it for you. No one gets to make you feel bad." Was he half joking yes (if we was fully serious I would be scared) was he still half serious though-YES! I know if I had said the word he would have done it for me with out flinching but he is that kind of person a little rough and reactive but sweet. I countered "Don't joke I know you would" pointer finger out with a squinting silly mean face. He replied "Name the time and the place" and we both laughed.

It was a face kind of like this but more silly!

     Was it all in good fun- sure... but the more surprising aspect of the whole conversation was that it was kind of hot. Like I actually really enjoyed the idea that this guy would defend my honor by physically kicking some one's ass. Which is totally contrary to my beliefs as a Buddhist who is against violence completely! What made this incident even more interesting to me was the fact I had literally just the night before watched an episode of Louie called "Bully" (which can be found on netflix) where on a date he didn't stand up to this punk kid who was giving him a hard time. His date went from being totally DTF to turned off. She's surprised he's surprised and she chalks it up to primal instincts and goes home in a cab. I laughed because I thought that would never happen in real life like that- until it did- today but in the reverse. It only further proved to me that you will never truly know how you will react in any given situation until you are really in it.
      Years ago when my mom was gushing breast junk out of a tube I was able to pull my shit together and get her to the hospital- not everyone can do that, trust me. I can preform well under immense pressure but then my first time in front of a gigantic Hollywood camera as an extra I was mesmerized like a deer in head lights staring straight at the camera (the biggest don't rule in film acting)- point is you NEVER KNOW. So here I was looking at this guy thinking about this hypothetical ass whooping and I was impressed. My reaction was not only shocking to me but made me re question my ideas about pacifism. Apparently somewhere deep inside me the urge for either protection or a domineering fight for survival still exists.
      Maybe it's because i'm getting in touch with my personal more angry side. Or perhaps it's simply because it was nice to think someone would go to such lengths to protect me because they care. Either way it brought to my awareness something that probably deserves a little self reflection- luckily I'm one of those mammals with a super awesome pattern of brain schema's to help me put it all together- thanks evolution! 

The Human Emotion Barometer

So at the group last week the facilitator made this analogy about humans keeping an emotion barometer in a clear white tube all throughout their gut to their throat. The idea goes something like this.....
A a baby we just flat out express ourselves. If we are hungry we cry if something makes us happy we laugh it's simple, pure, true to the present moment, and 100% natural.
As a toddler we start to filter our emotions maybe a child takes away your favorite toy so you start to cry and an adult comes along and says "stop crying" this scares you so you stop and that emotion goes into your inner emotional tube.
As a kid you have more and more experiences and society teaches you the rules on how to be and not be. You look to peers and parents for affirmation you're doing "the right thing" anything that is deemed "the wrong thing" you keep inside you and your inner emotions fill up more and more
As a teen you are just frickin full of emotions and are still learning ways to express them in a healthy way at the same time your body is changing, your hormones are crazy, and you think you know everything which leaves you a hot mess- super filling up that tube.
As an adult you've now learned many things but you also have "learned"(behavior forming) things that make you present yourself in a particular away. You filter yourself, your environment, and push away all the things that don't fit into you definition of what you want to acknowledge (or if your one of the lucky ones you work on a path of inner peace :) so that tube stars getting filled to the brim.

Let's take me- I'm "sweet" the number one word people always use to describe me is sweet. After a few years of a friendship I get creative or witty but from casual acquaintances it is ALWAYS sweet. Can one person really be sweet all the time?!?!?
The answer: HELL NO!
        The emotion i'm most notorious for holding in is anger. For more thoughts on that see my past post The "Hulk" In You I remember in 7th grade my teacher yelled at me for chatting and I cried! I was so embarrassed I was 14 and crying because I got yelled at. To this day I do no do well with authoritative yelling (the army would be my personal hell). My frustration at something usually results in floods and floods of tears. Last week when I was denied something I very much needed all that could come out was tears I was sooooooooooo angry. I was not sad but I was so frustrated and the only way I could express myself was an outpouring of emotion via my tear ducts.
    Which brings me back to the emotional barometer. After years and years of containing all these emotions you have there reaches a point where you can just no longer take it and a release is inevitable. The extreme would be going bat shit crazy and like killing someone or getting drunk and spewing out all you deep dark thoughts about everyone and everything. Some people never "release" it and those are those high strung people who yell at traffic, the waitress, and anybody who crosses their path.
    On my journey one of the things that has helped me more then anything else throughout the years is writing letters. For me it provides a way to say everything I truly want to say without the other person's reaction in my face (which can seriously deter you from speaking your honest inner truth in person) I don't often give these letters to people which is a shame because the language is often very powerful, intense, and poetic. I've been sick for the past few months and my body literally started to reject anything I ate yet I gained a ton of weight clearly I was a mess. For me whenever the body goes haywire the solution is acupuncture and some serious talk therapy!
     I was warned that sometimes an outpouring of emotion comes after the treatment and I remember having immediate responses when I did acupuncture back in MA. At first I just came home and had the urge to write in my diary (yes I actually do right things not on the internet that I intend no one to see ever).  Then I felt the need to write a letter and then another then a third... at this point I was like you need to stop you have to go to work. So I dropped it for about 6 hours when I got home I went to continue my nightly routine of chanting, checking my sites, and Orange is the New Black ( seriously have you watched it yet it's sooo good)  but I felt strongly compelled to pick up that note pad again- the result... 5 more letters.
     I was truly shocked the only thing that made me stop writing was the fact it was 3 AM my writing looked like a 3 year olds and was completely illegible, and my eyes were swollen almost entirely shut from the tears. That probably sounds terrible but it was actually super amazing!!! It was so intensely cathartic and I felt like I was truly expressing myself for the first time in months. There was nothing "sweet" about it most of it was pure anger coming out in poetic lines of rage and it felt heavenly. After a second treatment it only went deeper which really helped me re define what I was angry about, the triggers, and what it all stemmed from.
     My emotional barometer was almost entirely shattered or at least seriously dumped out into like a sewer pit of shit. It was like everything I've been holding in about my Mom's death, my past loves, my current situation- everything was expelled. It was out on the table for only me to see so I could take a real hard deep look and put it back together in some semblance of inner sanity. There truly is something to be said for laying out all your cards on the table. So I took care of some Mom stuff with the group, got out all this inner rage through the letters, and I've taken steps to be more aware of how I hide the anger from myself and push it deep down inside me. I don't want to look back in another 2 years filled to the brim again with emotion. I want to live a life of truth it's all I've ever wanted and it's what I will strive for every day of my existence. How full is your human emotional barometer??? This chicks is looking a little full.....

I don't know if i've ever experienced an "emofunk" but it sounds kinda fun!

My Male Broke Feminist

I read this article first: 101 Everyday Ways For Men to be Allies
which is not super great because it is extremely repetitive the same ideas in different words but it helped me realize some of things that have been bothering me recently.
These are the key ones that really stuck out to me as a woman:
1. Recognize your privileges, especially your male privilege (and white privilege if applicable)
8. Be aware of how you flirt with a woman.
10. If you’re going to be chivalrous (on dates) or in everyday life, do it for everyone out of kindness, not just for women or people you think aren’t capable of doing things themselves. 
20. Ask for consent, always. 
29. Challenge everyday sexism in your life. 
37. Support musicians and artists that do not degrade women in their music and lyrics. 
44. Don’t be the hero, savior, or knight in shining armor
47. Work with your partner or spouse on how to mutually share responsibilities.
48. Men aren’t the only ones who have orgasms. Remember that!!! 
49. Don’t judge women by their choice of clothing. 
60. Don’t assume she will take your last name if you both agree to marry. 
63. Defy traditional male stereotypes.
                                              AND MY NUMBER 1 FAVORITE:
31. Stop telling her you’re “different than other guys.” Don’t speak. Do.

   
       I have been struggling across the board with the idea of privileged (specifically gender and wealth) over the past 2 years. Let me start by saying this is in NO WAY a pity post but more of a privilege expose on how it directly effects my life. LA is rampant with uber wealthy and people who literally just throw money away. You do not need 20 pairs of sunglasses all $300+ for you collection  (true story a woman at the store had a "collection"). It's no secret I have epically struggled with money since moving here because I pay for everything on my own rent, student loans, bills, gas, food the only thing shared it utilities and internet the rest is all me. If you have a partner you can split a good chunk of bills in half or if you still live with your family. I see everyday the benefits of these different lifestyles and I include myself in that as well because we may not have severe issues like clean water such as they have in a 3rd world countries.
        One thing I'm angry about is it that your version of "broke" means you can't buy X at the store or go to Y again this month. For me "broke" means eating roman for an entire week or never having left the county of LA not because I'm not dying to go to Vegas/San Diego/San Fran/Wine Country but because even gas costs something. It is not the same thing if you can come home and someone (partner/family etc) will feed you and there will be a roof over your head -there is no comparison. There is no safety net or guarantee for some people so right there PRIVILEGE. I'm also aware of the ways I am privileged for instance I have family who would be able to help me in emergencies. On Orange is the New Black when Taystee gets out of prison she has no family, friends, or money so she eventually, on purpose, gets herself put back in. There is no back up there is no plan B. I am so lucky to have choices and I accept how my choice has put me into the position I am in- I think that is called being an adult.
        A few months ago there was incident at work where an older male client gave me a ring and then due to policy (created because of this incident) I had to give it back. As I expressed my various feelings and concerns I had 2 very different general responses. From men they were basically "what did you do to make him do that?" "why do you think he'll do anything "bad" (stalk me, get angry, call me all the time)?" and "it's not a "big deal." From women the response I got was "Are you ok giving it back? Do you want me to be there?" "Would you want to see him or was it totally weird and unsolicited?"  I felt extremely "blame it on the victim" like and completely unsupported.
    I didn't know why I was having such an intense reaction to the situation back then and it isn't until now when I read this article about men being feminist allies did it click into place MALE PRIVILEGE. I was crying when one male counselor said to me "Would it make you feel better if I was there when you returned the ring" I was sooooo grateful because it did make me feel immensely better that this person would support me in something that he saw was challenging when another male straight up intentionally walked away at the same moment because he (who had literally nothing to do with it other then being my "friend") couldn't handle the awkwardness/pressure. When I asked gentleman A later on why he though to offer his support he said from a domestic violence perspective (he runs our DV program) "you as the front desk person are the most vulnerable" (meaning we are stationary, have set hours, and can be easily found/stalked/watched). I knew he was right because that was the same feeling I had and regardless of how "unlikely" or "unwarranted" it may seem. That fear is inherent as part of the social structure, gender roles, and general bs that I as a women feel ( I am only speaking for myself alone).
    Now let's fast forward to the present day when in the past month on various fronts have I been directly impacted by both wealth and gender privilege. I've been meaning to write about it for quite some time since it is very much on my mind. Of course in this world these things exist and really it seems like nothing can be done because they are so ingrained in our social life pulse. However the number one thing that can be done about any stereotype or privilege is awareness %110. You can't know when you are doing something wrong unless you educate yourself on what it means to be othered etc. The most important things we have are our words and actions. We must speak carefully, wisely, and from a place of love. We must act from a place of integrity, honesty, and openness.
   So you're probably asking what does all of that have to do with the title of the piece My Male Broke Feminist...... well on to that topic.... let's recap first
1) Privilege and Stereotypes exist in our current society
2) Only you can make smart, educated, thoughtful choices for your own existence and in turn betterment of the whole
AND THAT BRINGS US TO 3
3) Surround yourself with people who are standing up for the same

     I want to be around people who are active in being the best kind of people they can be. That's a huge reason why I choose to join my particular Buddhist organization. There are certain things romantically that are %100 deal breakers for me like not being a equal rights ally, being racist, being  elitist and not being a person who can speak from their heart. Today I realized I think a good man for me would be someone who knows what it's like to struggle (that's the broke part) and someone who can truly decide in their heart that equality among the sexes is important (feminist). During my last college class the TA was telling me about how her husband was a feminist and things he did rallies, talking to his friends, standing up for women etc and I was so amazed that a man like that existed. This idea is very important to me because not only do I believe in it but I want to be with someone who does as well. The hardships in life are there because they help us see the joy and the beauty. I'm willing to make a stand to educate myself, be an equal rights ally, and always be open to every individuals story and struggle. Will you do the same?

Pruning Privilege
Cute Cartoon About this Concept 

Becoming Joan

            I have now deemed my new actress role model to be Christina Hendricks. If you have ever watched mad men you can see the persuasive power and sexiness Christina as Joan has throughout the show- she is so frickin awesome. For a few months I was struggling with the idea that I could not be "me" fully at work. Sometimes I want to wear something not in dress code, or spend more then 2 minutes talking to a counselor, and sometimes, I know this one is a shocker, I am not 100% pleasant, joyful, and smiley like my jobs reacquires me to be. I felt so torn from the way I wanted to be and the way I needed to be in order to perform my job well and somewhere in that inner turmoil I made a choice- I will play a character.
    I had already been dabbling with incorporating Joan like qualities into my somewhat similar job of running the center at night. If there is anything truthful about the myths about secretaries it's that they have all the power and knowledge and none of the recognition. I would dress with small retro touches, use subtle suggestion to get the results I needed, and kept up this illusion that I had everything together and under control. I am still utterly shocked when I confess how close I was to loosing it at work and people say "I had no idea you seemed so cool and collected."
           I only fully came to the realization that I had somehow along way made a choice when one college said "You know you sound totally different on the phone like it isn't even you talking" I replied "I know I do it on purpose. Since I can't always be how I want to be or how currently feel which may be sad, angry, hurt etc I am just going to be a character- I'm Joan" he seemed to take this as a satisfactory answer and dropped it. I on the hand was shocked with what had just come out of my mouth clearly my conscious brain was now becoming aware of something my sub conscious has been doing for the past month or so- faking it.
         See like Joan I wield a great deal of power over how things runs because I am in charge of all the rooms and scheduling. I always try my hardest to be fair and equal but you can't tell me someone who gave you a birthday gift and someone who always gives you attitude will fall equally on the likability spectrum- we're human that's just not possible. It's a balancing act between being strong and resilient and being open and friendly. It's a challenge for even the most well rounded individual.
        So today I was particularly not very cheerful after being in a bit of a slump the past week. I found out a decision that effects my future and it's wasn't entirely favorable... I cried. I can not help myself from crying if I feel it it's coming up no matter how potentially embarrassing the environment like lets say an office where a hundred people come and go it can not be contained. I really tried to calm myself I even said I didn't need to take a break but then a friend insisted. I went to the bathroom and let myself bawl my eyes out for one minute to just release it. I literally had a vision in that moment of Joan crying in this one episode after being teased. One minute is all you get then you pull yourself together fix your makeup put on a smile and you go back to work. I unfortunately haven't been wearing makeup and didn't have any with me so there was no hiding these swollen eyes.
         I went to my desk and I smiled and in my head I sang this old charlie chaplin song "Smile though your heart is aching Smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll see the sun come shining through For you" it helps. Sometimes we don't get to be what we want to be in a given moment so all you can do is the best you can and I learned that from Joan  she says “This is why I don’t allow crying in the break room. It erodes morale. There’s a place to do that, like you’re apartment.” - in a world of power and struggle she found a way to survive and be the envy of all the girls while doing it. I'm still trying to find my way but for now I'm just going to stay in character.

5 Ways I'm Like Joan:

1- She's know what she wants and isn't afraid to ask, push   boundaries, or find a more coy way of getting it
2- She's sexy but covered always classy
3- She can run the entire show and make it look like child's play
4- She knows everything about everything and everyone and yields that power gracefully
5- She's the one everyone wants to pigeonhole but actually she is too dynamic to figure out

More Joan Wisdom:

 "Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate. "

" Well I learned a long time ago to not get all my satisfaction form this job."

Joan (to Peggy): "No matter how powerful we get around here, they can still just draw a cartoon. So all you've done is prove to them that I'm a meaningless secretary, and you're another humorless bitch."

“I was just made Director of Agency Operations. A title, no money of course. And if they poured champagne, it must have been while I was pushing the mailcart.”               

“Fun-loving girl, responsible sometimes. Likes to laugh, lives to love seeks size six for city living and general gallivanting. No dull moments or dull men tolerated.” 

5 Ways I'm like Christina:

1- She's not trying to be a size 2 twig she enjoys having curves
2- She is proud to show off her glasses and makes them look sexy she will even rock them on the red carpet
3- She won't put up with being called different, full figured, or fat she fights back saying i'm a women period
4- She takes her acting roles seriously and is all about creating the character
5- She's been nominated for emmy's and won SAG awards! (ok I haven't done that yet...but just wait)

More Christina Wisdom:

"I don't think any woman in the world could get tired of being compared to Marilyn Monroe."

" I think Joan's advice would be: always know more then anyone else, always be discreet as possible. And never cry at work"

"I thought, well, you might see curves there, but that's just a bone- so even if I lose weight that's not going to change anything. That's how I look. That's my shape. Do the math."

"I've always been someone who really watches other people, human behavior. To watch it and be able to express it through your version has always been really exciting to me"

5 reasons why acupunture kicks ass

 

         So my body had been leading a revolt against me since the wisdom teeth removal a month ago. My abdomen ballooned out to epic proportions, I threw by back out, and the my wrist began flaring up again. I was loosing it and then I remembered a friend of a friend (Alex) who I met at a party does acupuncture. I'm pretty broke and thought of going to a traditional doctor did cross my mind but all I wanted was acupuncture. It transformed me 2 years ago after my mother's death and all that trauma/stress I endured in my body. I basically came to realize it was 100% necessary for my health and I went today. My body feels a gazillion times better!!! When I went in I could only lift my leg to about 35 degree angle when I left I could do a solid 90 on both legs! I have energy and the overall fluidity of my joints it also improved. So I would like to share 5 reasons why acupuncture is an amazing experience:

1) You get to feel the inside of your body like you can't in any other way I have experienced. Usually we only pay attention to our muscles and nerves  if they are in pain or we are working out. However when you're on the table (if you really relax and let you mind be still) you can feel the nerve paths, interconnectedness of you as a living organism, and literally the energy flowing through you. It's a surreal feeling that it totally unexplainable you've got to feel it to understand it.

2) Your body heals- enough said

3) The acupuncturist takes into account your entire being in terms of physical, mental, emotional health to create a full body healing plan. Unlike western doctors they don't judge or try to make you conform to their personal beliefs in your health. I am so NOT about judging so this really works for the way I think and want to be.

4) The feeling that you along with the acupuncturists knowledge/needles have the power to change and effect your condition is beyond reassuring. Sometimes we think "why is my back spasming again" or "why am I always feeling lethargic" the solution is in you. This is a key Buddhist idea to which is that you have are the ultimate influence to yourself. Sometimes pain is debilitating- I felt so lost in my own body the last month and now I feel present and grounded.

5) For me the practice also gives me an element of hope. Hope that I will heal- hope that I will feel better- and hope that I will be able to the dancer pose in yoga again sometime soon. Western medicine does not give me hope it diminishes me and makes me feel bad about where I am right now.

I feel so grateful for the experience I had today and much more ready to conquer the world.
If you're in LA and want to try it out get in touch with Alex: Balance Within Medical Acupuncture

Pretty is the New Ugly

pret·ty

[prit-ee] Show IPA adjective, pret·ti·er, pret·ti·est, noun, plural pret·ties, adverb, verb, pret·tied, pret·ty·ing.adjective

1.pleasing or attractive to the eye, as by delicacy or gracefulness: a pretty face.

        So in the past few weeks I have developed a strong disdain to being called "pretty" and "sweet." Why wouldn't you want to be called two very complimentray adjectives you may ask? The thing about it implies that this how i'm defining you as that one thing. I feel like I am a dynamic complex person with numerous facets to my personality. In different enviornments and with different people my idenity seems to chameleonize. 

       On Friday I got to see one of my east coast friends who I have not seen in about 2 years. He knows me in a way west coast people probably haven't seen yet. For a whole 5 minutes I felt like I was just me again the Shannon who is so loveable and happy, everyone wants to be her friend. In LA I have become fiercely independent, strong willed, and use to being alone. Some of that carefree nature and hippesque lack of abandon had been replaced with a fighting need for survival. It's different when the only thing you have to fall back on is your own self. 

       At my job I feel like there is a version of me that's teetering between professional adult and my innate nature to socialize and be friends. I dress a certain way, act a certain way, and even become a certain way when I am there. Of course we all act more professional at work and cut loose when were off but it's almost more then that. I struggle to identify myself as I grow into adulthood and yet I still want to incorporate the traits that make me unique and one of a kind. Pretty in not unique and sweet will probably always be the number one additive others use to describe me.  

       Calling someone pretty one day also implies that they didn't look pretty the day before. They're not saying wow the way you put that outfit together is so stylish or your accessories are so one of a kind. I get "pretty" often and it is sweet if I never got complimented I would probably be devastated. However when you interact with dozens of people a day who say the same exact thing to you it gets numbing. Outwardly I accept every remark gracifully and with smile inwardly i'm rolling my eyes and pouting. Pretty and sweet are also both degrading as a women who wants to be complimented on her job performance and character.

      I want to be seen as someone who is strong, loyal, courageous, independent, trustworthy, vivacious, and intriguing. I am someone who is transitioning into adulthood the only way I know how- trial and error. I'm finding my way in the more adult world and this city that continues to push me to my limits in every way. I challenge you tomorrow to go to one coworker and say something genuinely nice to them a compliment that is sincere and individualized for that person. Even thought my pretty is the new ugly for someone that might be something they never been called. Every human in unique so find out what makes you - YOU and never let it go ~S~

This chic totally agrees with me and waxes poetic about it http://www.upworthy.com/this-womans-beef-with-prettiness-will-leave-you-speechless?c=ufb4
  
A Fab article on a similar note Lena Dunham style: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/03/14/lena_dunham_playboy_interview_dunham_doesn_t_want_the_body_of_a_victoria.html

Just in case you needed any more "proof" http://hellogiggles.com/why-being-called-pretty-sometimes-gets-ugly 

  

The Rubix Cube of Life

          Today was a big day for me, this week was a big week for me....I turned 26. I've dreaded turning 26 since I was 22 and they changed all the health insurance laws so that by 26 you could no longer be on your parents health plans- I had nightmares about it for real. Then I was blessed enough to get a job where my benefits would start 3 months before I turned 26- I was beyond relieved. I also 26 as the age of "real adulthood" and whatever I conceived that to be. At 26 you're closer to 30 then 20 which in mind felt old. So about 2 weeks ago I asked Nicholas from the center for insight/information on the practice of a mindfulness which is a certain genre of meditation to ease stress in my case my impending birthday which was giving me mini panic attacks. This birthday in particular was making me deeply miss and think of my mother. The meditations made me realize that a birthday isn't just about the person who was born but also the mother who brought that child into the universe probably the closet human connection anyone can ever have.
        I have always believed that emotions can be processed better when you can identify the root of what is causing it. So here I was realizing why I was upset but then left wondering what to do about it. For me the answer is always chanting, I chanted she would give me a message in a dream. 2 nights later there was a bizarre dream but the main thing I remember was my Mom was going to be going somewhere without me and I was going to be left at this place alone. As I freaked out she said "It's okay you can do it alone." I woke up and all day those words resonated with me.

Fashion Alley

     On my actual birthday I was all over the place but I just took my time chanting, taking to my father and just getting my self together. Downtown was fun and total fashion madness. As I sifted through the glittering bejeweled everything I found some stuff that really fit my more eclectic sense of style. I miss judged the time and ending up rushing to work and by some miracle of the universe was only 7 minutes "late" which is still early (trust me on that one). As I turned the corner to my desk I saw a beautiful bouquet of pink roses and the room shouted "Happy Birthday." I was ecstatic it was a great moment. Then I realized my coworker hadn't left me anything and I did a whole little thing on hers... little did I know she hid a poster for me in the calender pages that I would find- she planned that to. Then Saman rapped for me my favorite line was "starting off with the original trauma the day you came outta your momma" it was precious and hilarious. Even Paul stayed after his shift to help me do some of the work I got backed up on being the center of birthday wishes. It was as good as being 2,500 miles away from everyone I love could be- I felt loved.

        Today was suppose to be the day I took off to "celebrate" my birthday and go to LACMA. However when I woke it was pouring and the idea of waiting for the bus in the rain then paying 15 bucks to not even see the outside stuff just seemed lackluster. I then proceeded to spend the day self reflecting and taking steps to really find a recourse to help with this reawakened grief. After calling Our House ( a local grief centered) they directed me to an additional recourse called "motherless daughters" that is specifically for girls who lost their mother before age 24= me. I had searched for such a group in MA back in 2009 with no success and now here before was exactly what I dreamed of. The individual counseling is a whopping 185 an hour! so i'm chanting for that to somehow manifest. The thing is unless it happened to you (losing a mother young) you have no idea what is it like you just don't know the pain. Either way just reading the blogs, stories, and annoyances women go through when other people who haven't lost a mother say "silly" stuff, I was relieved.
      It brought back this memory which I don't think I have shared until now I remember right after my mother died I had a major panic attack and the moment after that ended I thought "who is going to take me wedding dress shopping now, whose is going to help me raise good kids??" other women have that SAME feelings- I wasn't alone. I then did another mindfulness exercise and just tried to stop the intense gripping pain in my heart and the fact my lower back becomes like a solid rock when I start to acknowledge the pain. Afterwards I was off to a district Buddhist meeting. I can't pull anything from it particularly other then the theme was living as a lion hearted champion. Afterwards I was talking to Chantz and telling him the above written story he then proclaimed "Girl, you're like a rubix cube. You know ya just keep clicking those pieces into place, one by one heading towards that final cube." The was one of the best analogies someone has ever described me with... it fit. I felt like yes I am still working on myself and certainly on this motherless daughter thing. I am also working on becoming an adult women who is strong and fearless. I am 26 now and ready to walk into adulthood like a strong force of determination and openness.

A Few Good Men

So after pondering my day filled with much flirting... I've come to realize I am a shameless flirt.....also more importantly that a women really needs a good man around not just one but several.
1) The Potential Boyfriend: This is a guy you interact with every so often and every time it's electrifying. You tend to find ways to "bump" into them or try and spend more time in there general vicinity (come on don't lie to yourself you have done this). My current potential is yoga/counselor and after we interact I have that giddy butterfly feeling. There's a mix of hope and intrigue that creates a dynamic combo of excitement. Where will it lead??? who knows! and you like it.
2) The Guy Who Makes You Feel Sexy: There's this ongoing joke at the center about clients who just ooze this sexy tiger like sexy prowess. I laugh even typing it now but there's just something about these individuals that just makes you putty. They know just what to say to make you blush and you feel yourself being drawn even when you KNOW it's all part of their game/manipulation/persona. They know how to woo and every women needs to feel desired sometimes.
3) The Backup: Now don't get me wrong I don't think it's really fair to always keep someone on the back burner if you never have any intention of dating them. I have this friends and we've been "friends" for almost 10 years now. We never really date but when either of us needs a pick me up the other one is there. Could I see something happening with us one day - sure we talk about it often. We blame timing but sure is nice to somewhere could be there if and when you wanted it.
4) The Platonic Friend: Okay okay it is REALLY hard for guys and girls to be friends without somoene falling for the other it's nature. However when you can find that balance there's nothing better then being able to get a male perespective on things. Somone you can go watch sports with or play video games for hours. It also helps that you can wear sweats and keep your hair in a messy bun and neithert party will give a fuck.
5) The One: So there's one guy out there somewhere who is the right guy for you. Maybe he is your friend, makes you feel sexy, etc... but most importantly he's your rock-stability. You can trust him with anything because he knows you better then anyone else. A life partner it not easy to find. First you have to know yourself because the more you know about what you want the better chance you have of finding it. Some people rush the whole process because they just want the finish line moment of a wedding and kids. I would rather wait 50 years to find the one person who will get me then rush anything because I don't want to be alone.
How many men do you think a girl needs in her life?
I'd also like to share this accurate/hilarious article How to Woo a Girl: http://www.wikihow.com/Woo-a-Girl

An Emotional Nutcase

I am an emotional nutcase- I do not claim to not be I am fully admitting that I have no control over my emotions what so ever. At the moment when most people can breath and hold back tears I can't I just cry hysterically in the middle of my work...often. It's the same with happiness I am never just content but usually blissfully exhilarated. To me a minor offense is the end of the world and a small token of friendship a cherished item. There seems to be no middle ground when it comes to my feelings. You may wonder isn't this something you can work to control?!? Well I believe the answer is no or maybe. See I need to be emotional to be an actress if I can't cry on command what good am I? Well I can cry on command and laugh and convey all the entire spectrum of emotions because I am an actress and am in touch with my feeling and have no regrets at how I feel because it's my truth. Now doesn't that lead me into making a ridiculous spectacle of myself on occasion- it sure does- but I would rather a million times over know and be able to say how I feel then repress them for even a second. Because honestly what's the point of life without a little passion??? ~S~

Memory Removal

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to completely erase someone from your mind? I'm talking complete no existence Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Style gone from your memory. As a tagline from the movie poster says: You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story. I use to think that everything teaches you something and that you should never wish to forget any part of your life because it makes who you are. Now i'm inclined to reconsider... maybe somethings just are to painful to recall. I don't mean that you can't overcome them but just that it would be easier if you didn't have to. If given the chance like in the movie would you remove someone from your memory???