The Independent Woman's Conundrum

        In the past year I've really struck about the idea of personal Independence- what if means to have it or not, it's pros and cons and what it means for me, personally, in my life. Now i'm not just talking about the showy very bold Beyonce "I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent" kind of independent women.It's power can't be denied of course 10 Most Empowering Beyonce Songs (although I prefer my role models to be more clothed). I'm also pointing out the everyday subtle independence that's about the pure joy and freedom of running one's own life the way you, and only you, wish it to be.
            I left home at 24 to move from Massachusetts out to LA my mom had died 2 years earlier and my father was not very present.  I had made the choice at 16 to move to LA and everything after that was just a series of steps to bring that to fruition. There was no one there to try to stop me but even if there had been I would have done it anyways. I only had one panic attack 4 hours into my cross country move where I doubted my choice and wanted to return, it lasted 10 minutes, and I haven't looked back since. I didn't always have a strong inner voice I had to find it and develop it and education was a big part of that. However once I found it.....it was all me- my choice and my dreams. I believed in standing up for something you wanted even at the risk of failure and I still do.
        I always knew it would be hard there was never a doubt in my mind about that. I made a goal the next year to be financially independent at any price. I knew as long as someone was paying for me they could have control over me and even take it all away. That first 6 months I made only $10 a hour and somehow managed to live in this very expensive city. By the next September I had a job that paid all my bills, nothing extra, but just enough. It wasn't until recently when my health has been bad have I had to ask for anything.
          I have friends in different cultural communities who have little to no Independence. They are confined to live with their parents until marriage and don't have much opportunity for their voices and thoughts to be acknowledge. It also come with a strong bond of care, sometimes over bearing care, that I can't fathom. No one ever tells me what to do or how to live my life. Sometimes I wish I had that person who cares enough to be that involved no matter how menacing or annoying it seems. It fascinating to see this dichotomy play our in our lives. Both successful, intelligent women whose live are influenced my such a different set of standers and rules.

      Without freedom of choice I buck like a wild horse someone is trying to tame. The more someone tells me what I "have to do" the more I want to rebel against it. I think it's important especially as a women, to always be knowledgeable about your options in all circumstances. Try and learn everything about it so you can make the most informed choice for yourself. I can't and won't knock down someone for choosing to live a life that is kept under a more patriarchal system. I do however vehemently am adamant about fighting for women who can't make that choice that need our help in being able to stand up and be independent.
       When I see the news stories around the world I can't believe how little freedom others have. It's not even women but young girls who endure female genital mutilation, rape, and domestic abuse. I wish I could be the voice for every single person that can't have one- I don't know how to do that. So I write it out in blogs and raps and hope that it touches someone so they can be part of my goal too.



   Wow Shannon this has been such a pro independent women piece- what is this "conundrum" you're on about? I've seen it in my life and in one particular friend. She has a master degree, is a powerhouse of questioning privilege and diversity, and she answers to no one. Sometimes though on certain days... she just wants to be taken care of. I had the same thought yesterday- my body was very week from the SIBO and I paused thinking how nice it would be if someone could clean my smoothie containers so I could make one to eat. There's that pang of longing where you're seeking help and comfort but the structure of the life you have doesn't have that built into it.
          I struggle with the idea of "I need someone" vs "no, I can do it all myself." When you don't have anyone around you can't be disappointed but when you need someone, there isn't always someone watching your back for you either. I don't know the solution and how the puzzle pieces fit together I flip flop daily.This isn't a bad thing it just is a piece that's important to remember. People need people no matter how much we fight it! It's so easy to say I'm going to this with no one's help but my own. That's such a great fighting spirit but we also have to consider the type of people we want to be on our journey with. Friends who support are advancements at work, girlfriends who don't just gripe about boys, and mentors to continue to inspire you to grow.   
         I also worry how much influence men have over me and the patriarchal that still runs much of my environment. I like to believe in equality but I don't see it happening. Patricia Arquette's said in her now world famous Oscar speech “It’s our time to have wage equality once and for all and equal rights for women in the United States of America.” The way our health care laws are made without consulting women and the predominance of rape culture. I'm conflicted about how to live within this system while fighting against it.

      My wish is for all the independent women out there who pay all their own bills, including student loans, their rent, their food, who refuse to bend to the status quo to surround yourself with like minded people. Those who can be there for you in your "I just want someone to take care of me" moments and your "I do my job better then that guy but get paid half as much" frustrations. Together we can do anything in the words of Beyonce:

 
   Now if we could get this video but with ALL KINDS of powerful women that would be epic!
Mother Theresa, Malala Yousafzai, Gloria Steinem, Rosa Parks, Jill Stein, Maya Angelou, Hillary Clinton,Tina Fay, Laverne Cox, Elizabeth Warren, Opra Winfrey just off the top of my head- may have to make this video myself!  

28 and Never Been in a Relationship

      

        So this isn't like never been kissed where some horribly dorky goal gets a makeover and finds a really great guy. It's the story of a someone whose had her fair share of dorky phases but it generally considered pretty. The story of someone who can strike up a conversation with just about anyone and be engaging. The story of one girl who at 28, even with several lovely traits to recommend her, has never been anyone's girlfriend. For the purposes of this article we are disregarding the writers 1 day "relationship" in 6 th grade and 3 day "stint" in 7th grade although both these guys are still in her life and she's glad of it. This is the story of how turning 28 hit her heart in a totally unexpected way.
         It started with a thought, as most of my articles do, when I was at my birthday party and realized huh- when I was a teenager I always imagined i'd get married at 28. It was what my young naive brain considered an ideal timeline "oh i would have met someone by 25 we could have had 3 years traveling, hanging out, and being awesome, I don't need to get married earlier, then have my first kid by 30." For the past few years this imaginary deadline never came to mind but for some reason dressed in 70's garb drinking an alcoholic snow cone in Hollywood it did. In immediate fear and shock I pulled out my phone to check happn and see the immediate men in my vicinity at that moment. Thinking maybe it's tonight, maybe it's now.... it wasn't.
          Truly 28 was just this arbitrary number that seemed to fit into the plan of what I imagined my life to be what my 16 year old self wanted. My 28 year old self can not imagine being married right now it's hard enough planning a date with my schedule let alone a full blown partnership. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks a few mornings after. Michael was imparting his sage wisdom that "it's better to not drink at all then have one beer." To which I turned to him and said "Michael I will always care for him but he is not what I want anymore. He's not the man because X, Y, Z. Also because I want someone who wants me. Where we look into each others eyes and pick each other. I've never been anybody's girlfriend I've never been in a reciprocal love relationship and I'm 28 and that sucks" I was crying at this point. He stared back at me with a deep look of sadness. I turned away and murmured "I try -I don't what else to do" and he answered with his usual retort "it's a numbers game you just" " i know I know" I stop him begging not to hear this theory again.
           The idea just kept ruminating in the back of my psyche popping up every few hours nagging at the part of my conscious brain that just didn't want to pay it any mind. Is this me? or some societal deadline i'm inflicting on myself? It's me I want this- let's be real with ourselves we want this... it went on this way for a week. I had a meetup with a guy from tinder who was hosting and preforming a comedy show in Hollywood. I dragged my friend after work to go but the whole event was closing down as we got there and I only saw him briefly twice before he seemingly vanished. Not wanting to seem to eager and say hi when I first arrived and then he didn't respond to my text. To make the situation more interesting we were drinking "the nectar of the gods" amazon meal that is suppose to illicit fertility and sexual vigor.

           He was insanely attractive, a dj, a comedian oh and had a beard :) but this was a fail all around.We decided to try our luck strolling down hollywood blvd on the walk of fame. We split a slice of pizza and meandered by the bars looking to see who was out and what we could find. Standing outside the W peering into the outside bar my friend said "Soul mate are you there?!? ( long pause) no my soul mates not here." She made a very sad dejected pout face hung her head and pretended to be crushed. This joke became our new thing as we walked in and out of places looking for our soul mates. It was silly we were having but the underlining truth was that two sexy, awesome, intelligent, ladies were both still very single.
         We went into a sports bar after I announced "come on a sports bar will have guys let's go." She suggests doing a lap which I pleasantly agree. It's one of my personal favorite ways to "scope out the scene" also good for celebrity spotting and finding the emergency exits. As we passed these 2 gentleman at the corner of the bar they totally turned their heads and were checking us out. I say over my shoulder "did you see that?" "yep" she smirked back. We decide to leave anyway but being in this playful mode I go over to the window outside to see if there still there. We were lingering joking around about fried chicken when the taller bearded guy came into the lobby and looked out at us. I looked back told her to come look. It sounds truly ridiculous now recanting this back and forth game but we were just fucking around and certainly not taking our search seriously at all. We continued on our way to a convenient store to look at the fake Oscars. When low and behold who come into the store a few moments later but the 2 guys.
          She looks at me and snickered "you know these are the guys right" to which I respond "I know" with a smirk. I don't know how it happened but it mere few seconds i'm now dancing with a Jewish Seth Rogen look alike in the middle of a convenient store on the walk of fame. Banter goes on about my key necklace being the key to my heart her crystal necklace holding secret powers blah blah blah. We continue talking outside for about a half hour and the conversation went in all the ridiculous ways first conversations usually do.
            I became really aware in that moment their are two kinds of girls when it comes to leaving men your not interested in. Type A: the ones who don't engage in conversation or politely say bye i'm not interested etc and leave Type B: the ones who even though they aren't interested stay. This situation has happened so many time in my various bar, club, event settings but for whatever reason at this moment it becomes clear. I am the type A girl I would rather being doing anything else more worthy of my time then spending another second around someone who can't doesn't spark my intellectual interests. She's type B and the slow decline of conversations spirals to a level of boredom all of us are too polite to exit from.
     The highlight of the conversation and the purpose for all this back story is:
Bearded guy: I have a guestion when you ladies came into the bar you clearly seemed like you were looking for something... what was it?
( we exchange glances)
Friend: french fries
Me: ya we had pizza and we've been walking up and down the bulevard looking for fries
Bearded guy: there's a fry shop over there (points) or the bar had fries- I don't beleive you for a second what were you really looking for?
Me: Do you really want to know? Truly? (he nods) soul mates
Both guys laugh
Bearded Guy: fair enough mission I can't knock that

        It's interesting because you can't really knock someone for looking for love it's the most honorable search in life.  No matter what people say at then end of the day everybody wants to be loved even if they ago about in truly fucked up ways sometimes. As we recounted the whole evenings events in the car we noted how nice it was how these guys made the effort to follow and initiate talking. It's rewarding to feel wanted by someone every now and again even if it doesn't necessarily go anywhere after that. For me it was like something out of a movie beyond what my younger self could have imagined about being in LA and what I'd be up to at 28.
         I openly admit I was a bit butthurt (god I hate that term) about the Tinder guy and the fact I didn't randomly meet a guy who was into me.  My friend on the other hand actually went out with one of the guys the next night! I am frustrated because I don't know how more transparent I can be. I'm open and honest about my intentions and what i'm looking for. I only engage in things that seem to be on that same page of what I want. And after all these "experiences" I've had over the past few months I feel utterly disheartened.
       A second incident, that will be mentioned in another blog, happened on Friday night that pretty much sealed it for me. Now is not the time for what ever reason the universe is being very clear- NO. A friend mentioned for all of my efforts that perhaps i'm trying to manifest something too hard. It saddens me that at my age I've never dated anyone seriously and if i'm being honest not even come close.  I've dated casually a lot but never with a commitment or title attached. I openly acknowledge the role I potentially played in protecting myself from being hurt perhaps. However when all if said and done I just don't understand why.

Dateable VS Fuckable

          In talking with my friends the past few weeks I have been blown away by the fact that so many girls are always left wondering what is the difference between them being somebody a guy would date and somebody who they just want to sleep with. I decided to ask people in my environment (in an attempt to get some answers for myself and my girls) about what they found to be the difference between the two. The results were pretty surprising considering there isn't one straight answer. I put a post on Facebook to see if I could get any of my male friends to simply answer the question and surprisingly, actually not surprisingly because it's VERY revealing about one's character, there was very few responses. Maybe it's because they don't want to share because we're friends but more so I think it's because it's not a conscious thing. I think they tend to think about it as something that happens on a more subconscious level.

        So I took this conundrum to work because I thought 'hey therapists will talk about these kind of things right?' The conversation we had came up with 2 main factors. One being what we defined as the perceived level of sluttiness. Note this does not rely on how sexually active the person actually is but rather how the other person perceives them. The second being desire to date during the daytime. See when you take away the booze there's no illusions of the night and there's less shadiness. Can you picture yourself out in the world with this person in full light where the whole world can see you? I considered this a pretty accurate conclusion but then I found so many more answers based on people's maturity, individualism, and openness to respond truthfully.

         I received a simple text answer from a friend with a mere two words "forbidden fruit" every time he elaborated he just continued with more innuendos but nevertheless I thought it was an interesting response. I do think that the allure of an unknown person would greatly change the desirability of that person. On the other hand there also is an element of time lessening/increasing this person's desirability. Is this person there for a single day or are they going to be in my environment all of the time. People are more willing to take risks when the potential amount of time spent together is lower.

      My favorite answers came from men who I consider having moved passed the immature douchey stage. An old high school friend said "There really isn't a difference between a girl I would date and a girl I would just sleep with because if I were willing to sleep with them then chances are I'd want to date them."My roommate believes it's a combination of having no expectations for any given experience and to let things happen organically. Nothing forced, no set ideas about what's happening, but just to go with the flow and see how things play out. These seem like more mature views a more adult like stance so to say. Both no longer see the point in just "hooking up" unless there is a potential for something more even if it's just casual not monogamous dating.

         The opposite of "adult" is the straight up insanity that is found online. These days the internet provides a plethora of opinions and an open forum to express that ridiculousness without revealing your identity. This "article" from Elite Daily- The voice of generation-Y   The Girls You Hook Up With Vs. The Girls You Marry is an example of a very male driven simple view on this complex topic. I can't tell you how many times I rolled my eyes reading this 20? 40? 75??? I mean it was a lot! The medium of the internet gives the anonymity for people to say what they want to say without judgment of others responses in their face. The following responses all came from a Reddit forum thread and they show various opinions about what guys think in regards to this question. 

Some fast and quick opinions....
Atheleus Availability?
yourhometownsucks Usually about 40 pounds.
gravitykillsbabies  A paper bag
M-Lin Anal
helloreddits456464 About 50 IQ points

You can see here that they really were not holding back anything.
Now this little gem is my favorite response for it's ridiculousness.....
homeboy5925 a hook up (aka a "jump off") is basically anyone who is willing/stupid enough to have sex with you. Dating standards are much higher. Sex is great but at the end of the day I want someone I can smoke weed and watch Hey Arnold with.

Those who think it's purely a looks thing:
tmc_throwaway
-Hookups tend to be based on aesthetics and sexual chemistry alone. I had sex with a lot of women who were absolutely not my type (vastly different interests, beliefs, etc) and it was purely about the physical. If a girl took an emotional shine to me it was a turnoff.  Every new attractive hookup was an affirmation of self, and my batting average was high.
I really don't wanna come off like a misogynist, but I respect a woman more if she doesn't just put out straight away. It's down to trust and I don't think I could trust a girl who would just sleep with me the first time we meet to not do the same with others.
-Date material on the other hand, insofar as my subjective notion of it applies, is a girl who is creative, intelligent, fun, sweet, interesting, etc - all the things my girlfriend is. I love spending time with her, I consider myself lucky to know her, and I trust her. That's the real difference, I guess.

Dresden_skyline

Hot, want to fuck her - hook up.
Hot, want to talk to her, fuck her, do things for her, fuck her, want her to like you, buy her things, fuck her - date.

SixShotSamYou want to sleep with both. You only want to wake up next to one.
SAHDman Attractive? Hook-up. Attractive, smart, and sane? Dating material

"hot" vs. "beautiful."
McWake (WRITTEN BY A FEMALE)
"Hot" or "hook up" worthy is the girl or guy you see at a bar and you really just want to see them naked. You don't really want to have to talk to them. "Hot" is a bar hook-up, or someone's hot body, or a nudie picture. "Hot," I think, is young and temporary and shallow, but, obviously, it is a pretty good thing to be.
"Beautiful" is the man or woman you see somewhere, and you can't help but think "Woah." You want to have coffee with them or wake up next to them or date them for a year. "Beautiful" is solid and it ages nicely and it is the kind of person you really want to date and get to know.
I think that line between hot and beautiful also usually ends up being the line between hook up and date.


Madonna Whore Complex:

"The seemingly conflicting desires that some (but certainly not all) men have for a woman who is experienced in the bedroom and unashamed of showing sexual prowess ("whore"), but at the same time a woman who is wholesome, clean and nuturing ("madonna"), particularly enough to not be branded a "slut"." (urbandictionary) 

It's apparent that this complex is pretty common now a days and it's very polarizing to woman either i'm a slut or a prude. Yet in reality we are everything and nothing we are just people.

WarPhalange The first one I think about while masturbating. The second one I think about while masturbating, and then feel bad about it.Masturbating to a girl reduces her to a sex object. I don't care if it's just some hot chick I have no feelings for or vice versa. But if it's a girl I'd want to date, that means I care about her on some level and would rather not reduce her to a mere sex object.
KCisTall Hookups I worry about whats going in her mouth and Dating i worry about whats coming out.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T
rosAccosted How much respect I have for her as a person.
Seems harsh, but I honestly only feel that undeniable desire to date a girl who thinks and acts in ways I respect. Her thoughts and opinions on the world, how she carries herself and interacts with other people, and the connection I feel for who she is. Finding a pretty face in a crowd isn't tough, finding one I cant walk away from is.
AKA: A bar star might be a nice fuck, but if she cant hold a good conversation and entertaining time with me, shes not going to get any further than that.

Some men feel that intelligence really is a turn on for them and if the girl is not smart they don't want to do it.
kamikaze_tsunami Eh. Just can't really enjoy it if I know she's a complete idiot.
Phallic Let's face it, if she doesn't have her Ph.D yet she's not worth a bang
NawNaw  And I'm just saying a one night stand hook-up is a form of instant gratification (boiling down the courting process to hours) and that intelligence of a mate is more attributed to a long term benefit in a relationship and would be rendered inert if said relationship is less than 24 hours.
angusthebull I want to respect the girl I'm fucking, even on a one night stand.
notthegolfer Oh I'll respect her. That's why I leave quietly. (Douche comment but kinda hilarious)

We all know I think language is sexy but in case you forgot: Words Are Sexy Blog

Some men like to use their intelligence to answer the question:
ShabbySheik
Girl I'd hook up with (I believe I could explain it better with a simple equation.)
(X x 1) + 3 + (A + Y / 2) = Z
X = The girl's level of attractiveness on a scale of 1-10 (Note: A girl can be a zero, as in no attraction whatsoever. In this case, there is no possibility of me sleeping with her.)
Y = The number of months it's been since I've had sex
Z = If Z >= 10 I'm probably willing to sleep with her

Some men weigh the pros and cons:
(This is my overall favorite for most logical, thought-out, and honest response)

BaseballGuyCAA

The best analogy I can think of is the difference between an enlisted member of the Navy and a Navy SEAL. As men, we have two very distinct sets of standards. Generally speaking, the "hookup" standard is anywhere from a tick to a massive chasm lower than the "dating" standard. Want my cock tonight? If you're reasonably attractive, not a total bore/annoyance, and interested, you can make it happen. It's no commitment, so there's no need to delve too deeply into it. Many, many girls can pass the "hookup" standard.
However, dating means commitment. Dating carries a tremendous opportunity cost for the sexually active single male. You are throwing away an unknown amount of pussy, of unknown quality. It's like telling a game show contestant not to take the mystery box. Experience tells you that the prize inside is going to disappoint, but it'll all be worth it that one time when the box has tickets to Hawaii in it. Similarly, your experience tells you that most drunken random sexual partners will range from "mediocre" to "above average," but the fantasy of going home with the double-jointed gymnast overpowers that.
So if a man can find sexual satisfaction while single, the cost-benefit analysis of a relationship is pretty uneven. In order for the perceived benefits to outweigh the perceived costs, the girl in question needs to be an absolute no-brainer. Meeting the bare-minimum hookup standard isn't good enough. You've got to be a total package. Physical attractiveness, intelligence, sense of humor, core values, etc. Sexual compatibility is huge, too.
Just because you meet the hookup standard doesn't necessarily mean you meet the dating standard. It's unfortunate, but true.
The problem is, most women don't operate this way. The gap between "hookup-worthy" and "couple-worthy" is usually a lot smaller. From my experience, if a girl is willing to sleep with you she's at least curious about a possible relationship. If things are going well and you're seeing each other regularly (even if it is only for sex), she takes this as a sign that you want to see her, and things are progressing. Even though there is a better-than-average chance that it's just a sign you want your dick wettened.
          The short version of the above? I'll hook up with just about anyone reasonable. But for me to commit, I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and say "I would have to be absolutely insane to pass on this girl."

        It's taken me over a month to compile this and process my own views enough to form a coherent conclusion. I went on a real date last week one that was planned out, agreed to by both parties, fun and pleasant. No silly business, in the day time, and he paid for my hot chocolate, muffin, and he even brought to the date one of my favorite things, blueberries. There are people who want to date in the traditional sense of the word- it's just taken me over a year to find a single one in this entire city. I think many factors come into each man's personal choice. Level of maturity, I think is a huge one, past encounters and experiences, moving past the the wild college day mentality and growing up a bit, and willingness to be open to something real whether that includes commitment, time, current life focuses etc.The bottom line is there is no one answer each man has their own standard as unique as the person they are.....So sorry ladies you're going to have to figure out each one... there's no golden rule here. Every guy has there own standard for girls that they will date vs girls they just want to hop in bed with. Best of luck deciphering where you fall- the universe knows they don't always make it easy!

The date that never was

        So throughout my dating years I've been on a fare share of "perfect dates" with only one small glitch- they were not dates. At 19 I planned a whole day of pioneer valley fun- a picnic at the summit house, stroll through  yankee candle, and dinner at the Route 9 diner that was, and still is, my idea of a great day. Trouble is as adorable as it was- it wasn't ... at one point the boy even turned to me as the fake snow fell around us in the Christmas room and said "this could be really romantic." I died- yes adorable, mid western, 6-4", good looking, basketball playing, hunk it could be. It was the best date that never was.

    I could ravish you with other tales the biggest one being a year of my life of perfect dates that never were and they continue to this very day. Then there is a "real date" one in which 2 people have arranged to meet at a particular location and do something. I like dates like this because I like doing fun things but they are also terrifying especially if your just hanging out for the first time. In the realm of online dating this is what you get -planned meeting of strangers. In real life you at least have the one up of knowing if you have chemistry with someone or not.
    Tonight I had one of these real dates planned with a lovely guy i've been conversing with over the past month. At work I was a mess, tired, irritated, and on a deep dark emotional cloud. It was so bad people felt the need to comment. When I pouted about not wanting to go out a counselor asked "what's holding you back?" I wanted to say "I'm afraid it's going to be like 2 weeks ago when I'm left with a sweatshirt of a douchebag who won't return my texts" instead I listed various things on my mind to which she countered "None of which this guy caused".... wow she was right all I needed was a little psychoanalysis to set me right.
      As I locked up the building another counselor said "You deserve to have fun on this date. Relax, stay present, and be exited this could be your future husband." I almost cried. I was overwhelmed with the idea that this man(or any person you meet at any moment) could be the one to share in life's adventures with and this bit of motherly advice struck me to my deepest core- I missed my mother and am curious what her advice would be before this en devour.  For a whole 17 minutes I was brimming with excitement and anticipation. That was until I got the text saying he had to work late etc etc I get it this is Hollywood where media jobs don't just end at 5 and plans mean little more then formulated ideas as opposed to being concrete. We decided to postpone to later at 8. When 8 came and went then 9 -I was more then a little perturbed.
     I finally got a text I can meet you at 11. Now this is one of my rule breakers- no seeing boys after 10 PM unless you plan on sleeping with them because that is the only thing that will come of that. So as I declined of course his response was minimal and I simply thought "add this to the list of dates that never was" it seems to be growing a fair amount in the past few months. It's only further convincing me that this is not my path right now and not where my energy should be. If the universe wanted me to go out tonight something would have happened. Instead I watched 3 more episodes of Orange is the New Black (ps super addicted). Instead of being bitter I'm aiming for 'if it was meant to be it would be' and have settled somewhere between the two. I'm trying to focus on the fact that love is a life long journey not a sprint to some hypothetical finish line. At the end of the day there is one person in my life who I will always love, who will always have my back, and will never cancel- myself.

Truth VS Seduction

 " I want this music and this dawn and the warmth of your cheek against mine" Rumi

       So I am reading this truly amazing book called if the Buddha dated: Finding love on a spiritual path. The book contains rumi quotes, Buddhist principles, and the concepts of loving kindness mashes it all together and bam your romantic views are changing. The main idea is Truth- Truth to you and what you are feeling and openness to all sides of yourself and the other person. That all sounds pretty frickin stellar to me. However it generally directly clashes with everything we are raised and programmed to believe since birth.
          For the past 2 years I have been on a path of self reliance and independence. I knew I would never be able to be in a strong stable relationship till I knew I could 100% care for myself and live joyously completely alone. "More then anything else, I want myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I am not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections" (6). I became financially independent paying all my own bills and found ways to truly love myself when it's just me alone in my room thinking. It was hard work but essential to find my own unique standard that I want for my life.
       The problem then is finding the person who can fit into this life we have created. "Too often, we try to mold people into what we want them to be rather then honoring them as they are" (11). I am so beyond guilty of this- your trying to warp the person which never works... you either love all of someone or you don't really love them at all. Their light and their dark and all the grey in between bits. If you are uniquely you and they are uniquely them and together you uniquely match then everything finds it's harmony. Easy peasy right???
     The opposite of this idea of truth and open communication is mind manipulation and the art of Art of Seduction. The premise being that people fit into categories and you can easily get the result you would like by doing certain key things depending on what the person secretly desires for instance play the Coquette. They "are the grand masters of the game, orchestrating a back-and-forth movement between hope and frustration. They bait with the promise of reward the hope of physical pleasure, happiness, fame by association, power all of which, however, proves elusive; yet this only makes their targets pursue them the more. Imitate the alternating heat and coolness of the Coquette and you will keep the seduced at your heels." Wow not only does it explain "the type" it tells you more or less how to do it. 

       Think of Barney's playbook from How I Met Your Mother and you got a pretty good idea of what the book would look like played out in the real world with maybe a little more subtly because after all subtle suggestion is key to a seduction. An innocent example: I was new at my job and I new counselors were suppose to write no show receipts for their clients if they did not show up for their session. Knowing I needed Person A to write one but afraid to demand things on day 1 when he said "I can't believe my client didn't show!" I responded sweetly "isn't there something you need to do when that happens?" I looked over in his direction. "Ya write a receipt" he remarked I smiled "oh, oh! I see what you're doing there sneaky. well aren't you the queen of subtle suggestion." Yes, yes I am.
   The thing about playing little mind games is that there is no "truth" what so ever... except the truth that people are very mailable to being drawn in, persuaded, and seduced in general. Think of any major women in history or any great man and there was someone at their side whispering many ideas into their ears. Ya know what they say-behind every great man there's an ever greater woman and that's because one person in the relationship is always going to be one whose a little bit better as getting what they want. Games games games the book says “Desire is both imitative (we like what others like) and competitive (we want to take away from others what they have). As children, we wanted to monopolize the attention of a parent, to draw it away from other siblings. This sense of rivalry... makes people compete for the attention.”  So manipulation, games, and competition....damn that seems like a lot of work. It does "work" it really can (proof not discussed on the internet) but is that the kind of relationship you really want?
     So what appeals to you more truth or seduction???? Either way I got an amazing book that can lead you down the right path. Personally I'm torn I think one day when there is one person who I can truly trust and open up to and they in turn are willing and ready I will be all about truth. However now in LA when I'm looking for something more fun you may catch me in a small little flirtation that involves a small degree of manipulation- maybe.... i'm not admitting to anything!     ;)

Chemistry VS Attraction

So the past few months I have pondering the idea of chemistry vs attraction when it comes to dating. I go back in forth in my head about the difference and similarities and basically what makes you want to date, sleep with, or marry someone. Let's start with some definitions....

at·trac·tion

[uh-trak-shuhn] noun

1. the act, power, or property of attracting.

2.attractive quality; magnetic charm; fascination; allurement; enticement: the subtle attraction of her strange personality.

3.a person or thing that draws, attracts, allures, or entices: The main attraction was the after-dinner speaker.

4.a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure; attractive feature: The chief attractions of the evening were the good drinks and witty conversation.

5.Physics. the electric or magnetic force that acts between oppositely charged bodies, tending to draw them together.

 

chem·is·try

[kem-uh-stree] noun, plural chem·is·tries.

1. the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter. Compare element (  def 2 ) .

2. chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.: the chemistry of carbon.

3.the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong.

4.sympathetic understanding; rapport: the astonishing chemistry between the actors.

5. any or all of the elements that make up something: the chemistry of love. 

 

So by definition from a science perspective attraction is what happens when there is chemistry already present. Can the same apply for dating? 

 

     Let's take actors for example... they are attractive (well most of them) and they essentially get paid to have the kind of personality that draws people into watching them. When you meet said actor in real life would there even be chemistry or just a really strong attraction to them. When I've flirted with hot celebrities over the past 2 (almost 2) years here in LA I become puddy. I say stupid stuff, I smile a lot, and generally my sentences leave something to be desired. I feel attraction and chemistry but who knows that is going on in their head/body/heart! Is that chemistry or just a simple physical attraction?

 

     Let's now do the opposite lets say you have a really great re pore with someone who is your "friend." You laugh, share secrets, and have an amazing time in each others company but one or both parties is not attracted to the other. The chemistry of the relationship is %100 there so why are you not mutually attracted? This is one thing I still can't really wrap my head around because something is there and if it's not "attraction" what is it?

 

UPDATE: * TYPES OF BONDING: *as read in If the Buddha Dated

1. Physical/material

2. Intellect

3. Interests 

4. Values/lifestyle

5. Psychological/emotional

6. Creativity/passion

7. Spirituality

8. Essence

 

Can you really truly have chemistry without attraction or be attracted to someone without having real chemistry going on between the two of you?   

 

    My entire romantic history has in one way or another revolved around this very idea it wasn't until this week have I been able to fully grasp that they can indeed be mutually exclusive. You can really want to sleep with someone who you have 0 chemistry with. You can also have great chemistry that doesn't always have to be a precursor for attraction. It can be, oh trust me, it really can be but one does not always create the other. An example being someone who you get along great with of the sex you are not attracted to- a friendship chemistry.  I've come to realize what I want is the full package I want someone where together we have both. I have people who are strongly in one camp in my mind I toy with this idea of "could we have more of X?." The answer is apparently no we are just what we are. Do I think both chemistry and attraction can grow from nothing to epic- ya I certainly do. The biggest obstacle to attraction and love is indifference. 

     

       Now to go one level deeper if you have chemistry and are attracted to each other and NOTHING happens what is going on then? Is something holding back the relationship from progressing like fear or uncertainty?  I'm still learning to tell the difference between friendship and romantic chemistry. As well as the difference between physical attraction and maybe mental attraction... for me intelligence can give psychical a strong boost, Intelligence=Sexy! I keep reminding myself the world is not black and white- it is many MANY shades of grey. Will I look back and regret any of these encounters when i'm 101???  NO because I have learned something from everybody who has come into my life. Now I just need to find that person where we are equally attracted and the romantic chemistry is unmistakable! 

 

Science words that have a double relationship meeting..... bonds, cohesion,symbiosis, electric, connection, stimulus, and of course chemistry/attraction -did you even learn anything from this blog ?!?!? :)

 

This graphic is really really amusing to me

 

You Can Find Love Anywhere

         As I perused my fb profile pictures ( I was looking for one in particular don't judge) I came across the gem above posted on April 7, 2009. I remember making it thinking about all the beauty there was in the world. Those are photographs I took that year. How one could look around and with the right eye be open to finding at any moment. That was before my mom died, before my first real heartbreak, and before I discovered I don't need to seek out love- it's already within me.
     We are raised with idea that there is someone out there in the world who is meant for us and in the exact right moment at the exact right time we will meet and it will be magical. I don't know of any relationships that have started that way- I don't doubt they exist but they certainly aren't the norm.
Most people meet in the basic way- work, hobbies, or the ever popular bar scene ( as much as people knock it they all still do it). I met one of the most influential people in my life in a bar. We're innately social creatures, we want to meet people and be connected so why is it so tiresome to do that?
     There's something about LA that makes these kind of interactions particularly difficult. Most people are transplants all coming to live their dream and do coke while hitting on models at some party in the hills- or some similar variation of that scenario. They don't have groups of friends they can introduce you to or families. If "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main" then why aren't we more connected- I will blame iphones. I see the deep pain of loneliness everyday at work and not just in the clients! We all want connection and deep down even if it's not admitted out loud we want someone to share it with.
    My horoscope this week mentioned something along the lines of "Aquarius even thought it is hard for you because of your fiercely independent nature try to see the potential good in allowing yourself to be open to relationships" well isn't that easier said then done ?!?! For me there is a thin line from wanting to be able to secure and strong on my own and allowing myself to be truly open to someone else- to me that means trust. Personally trust is more precious then good lucks, funniness, and a a well paying job. When that trust is gone even a little consider me done and I'm out.
    So the question arises can you find really find love anywhere? The romantic in me is screaming YES! so for now i'm sticking with my 2009 logic "You can find love anywhere" and the search continues. 

A Few Good Men

So after pondering my day filled with much flirting... I've come to realize I am a shameless flirt.....also more importantly that a women really needs a good man around not just one but several.
1) The Potential Boyfriend: This is a guy you interact with every so often and every time it's electrifying. You tend to find ways to "bump" into them or try and spend more time in there general vicinity (come on don't lie to yourself you have done this). My current potential is yoga/counselor and after we interact I have that giddy butterfly feeling. There's a mix of hope and intrigue that creates a dynamic combo of excitement. Where will it lead??? who knows! and you like it.
2) The Guy Who Makes You Feel Sexy: There's this ongoing joke at the center about clients who just ooze this sexy tiger like sexy prowess. I laugh even typing it now but there's just something about these individuals that just makes you putty. They know just what to say to make you blush and you feel yourself being drawn even when you KNOW it's all part of their game/manipulation/persona. They know how to woo and every women needs to feel desired sometimes.
3) The Backup: Now don't get me wrong I don't think it's really fair to always keep someone on the back burner if you never have any intention of dating them. I have this friends and we've been "friends" for almost 10 years now. We never really date but when either of us needs a pick me up the other one is there. Could I see something happening with us one day - sure we talk about it often. We blame timing but sure is nice to somewhere could be there if and when you wanted it.
4) The Platonic Friend: Okay okay it is REALLY hard for guys and girls to be friends without somoene falling for the other it's nature. However when you can find that balance there's nothing better then being able to get a male perespective on things. Somone you can go watch sports with or play video games for hours. It also helps that you can wear sweats and keep your hair in a messy bun and neithert party will give a fuck.
5) The One: So there's one guy out there somewhere who is the right guy for you. Maybe he is your friend, makes you feel sexy, etc... but most importantly he's your rock-stability. You can trust him with anything because he knows you better then anyone else. A life partner it not easy to find. First you have to know yourself because the more you know about what you want the better chance you have of finding it. Some people rush the whole process because they just want the finish line moment of a wedding and kids. I would rather wait 50 years to find the one person who will get me then rush anything because I don't want to be alone.
How many men do you think a girl needs in her life?
I'd also like to share this accurate/hilarious article How to Woo a Girl: http://www.wikihow.com/Woo-a-Girl

Girls in their 20's

So I was told I would like the new HBO Show Girls but it's almost too much like my life to be interesting...however it has introduced me to some good music and I enjoy that not all the girls are super thin and traditionally pretty. The thing about your 20's is of course you are broke because well who knows what they actually want to be doing and if you do it's most likely out of reach. You are also bound to fall for the shitest guys you can find ya know the one who uses you and never calls I think maybe by 30 we'll get over this one. There's also that nagging feeling of shouldn't I be further along then I am at this point? but the truth is not really you are still young and have years to figure stuff out. I also think it's a time to learn from your mistakes and to make mistakes because hell if your doing the same damn thing at 40 it's kind of pathetic. Basically the show just confirms everything I already know/experience as a girl in my 20's. One of the songs on the show has the following lyrics:
(BTW the girl singer's name is Shannon)
 I make the same mistakes
 Feels like I never learn
 Always give way too much
 For little in return
 I haven't changed a bit
 I’m still not over it
 I make the same mistakes
 I make the same mistakes
 Listen to it here: If you read my blog you know one of my current goals is to stop making the same mistakes JBRown pointed out maybe I should stop falling for people that have no interest in dating me (Point JBrown)so what if my favorite guy at work happens to have a live in girlfriend he nicknamed me Massachusetts lol and my other super hot coworker pulled an elaborate prank on me today sure he drives 3 hours to visit his girl whatever but I'm learning I swear I'm learning! The broke factor well I don't have that figured out in the slightest either. However I do know what I want to be doing so I just have to work harder on the steps to get there. Dear Girls show writer also the main character (2nd point JBrown) you should write me as the 5th eccentric LA girl who brings in the sunny optimistic perspective!~S~

Giving Them What They Want VS What You Want to Give Them

So one of the few perks of my job is seeing people do what they do best...be people. I once had a conversation with a good friend about gift giving. Usually there is a disconnect in what you want to give the person vs what they actually want. He brought this concept up to me after one Christmas and I never really saw it's power until now. For instance I see this at least once a week in watches. A man comes in to buy a watch he says "I want her to have this one but I know she'd like this better.....I'll go with the first one" It never fails they almost always pick the one they want to give even when they know it's not the one the recipient will prefer!!!! It's crazy lol A man literally said to me "She likes plain simple things never wears any bling but I want to give her a bling watch because she deserves something pretty."Although that was a cute sentiment it's just going to upset the receiver because now she feels obliged to love it. Except when the L(lover) factor comes into play.This is how the L factor enters into the equation: They will like the item more because they really like the person who gave it to them. Now I have heard this as well "it's not really my style but my boyfriend picked it out and it was so thoughtful so I love it can you size it for me?" Bam you have now reversed the whole situation. You have turned an item they don't actually prefer into something they cherish damn you played your cards and it worked out well.... or "My boyfriend got me this watch it's totally not my style we broke up he just really doesn't understand me can I exchange this for one I actually like?" (true quote) and that folks is the risk you take. I hope you can learn something from these real life scenarios...next time you are buying a gift for someone you care about really think about what the result of your gift will be-not just the gift itself- if your girl prefers leather to diamonds maybe it's best if you just go with something you'll know she likes. It will save her from faking her happiness and me from dealing with the return :) follow my advice and you will be a champion gift giver. Don't forget it's always nice to get or give a gift just because :) ~S~

Finding Love in LaLaLand ?!?!

Je vois la vie en rose

As Nora Wilder says in the movie Broken English "I think I must be doing something horribly wrong, but I don't know what it is." Of course she is talking about men and I think every girl (probably every guy too) thinks this at some point in their life. Another quote that also keeps coming to mind is "Je vois la vie en rose" or "I see life in rosy hues" a famous French song sang by Edith Piaf about how being so completely in loves changes the way you see the world.  Sure this week I was hit on but does the guy at the dmv and the one opening my new bank account really equate to romance??? I think not. There is something about dating in LA that is even more daunting then dating back home. Mostly because everyone here is very much self involved and has this "I'll do something for you only if you do something for me" kind of mindset. I met one guy,Alex, in line for a show taping of Craig Fergueson. I was mostly interested because he had this crazy beard and it reminded me of someone I missed. However after a few witty banterish texts it was clear he had no intentions of dating me -subtext saying- 'I only want sex.' I struck up a conversation at this private bar party with a local guy named Sean, who seemed great. He said "Your really interesting and great but I have to get back to my friends."A half hour later, and one awkward interaction later, I was talking to his "friend" a 6'0" model who literally said "Do you think I should sleep with him? He's short" I replied "Well he is nice..." This town defies all logic when it comes to anything "normal" so why would dating be different? Before I had only one "rule" about dating...DON'T DATE ACTORS so right there that cancels out almost everybody in this city! I briefly considered amending this rule after meeting Michael Welch from twilight because he was helping the children with no drinking water and had an adorable smile and he graciously put up with my drunken flirting for 20 minutes... then again you can never trust an actor (hence why the rule was instated). I now have a second rule don't fall in love with people who don't love you... it sounds easier then it is- really a lot can be learned from the book He's Just Not That Into You. Also in Broken English a random guy Nora meets at a bar says, "Most people are together just so they are not alone. But some people want magic. I think you are one of those people." Personally I have never been one to settle and certainly I do love a little magic and therefore that line has stuck with me over the past 2 days. So as I sit here listening to the falling rain (probably one of the most romantic sounds) and typing I am left to wonder about if and when love will ever come my way. Believe me I am a strong independent lady so if it doesn't I have another life plan of being a legendary film actress who lives her life with no commitments and I think that would suit me just as well ~S~

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