In talking with my friends the past few weeks I have been blown away by the fact that so many girls are always left wondering what is the difference between them being somebody a guy would date and somebody who they just want to sleep with. I decided to ask people in my environment (in an attempt to get some answers for myself and my girls) about what they found to be the difference between the two. The results were pretty surprising considering there isn't one straight answer. I put a post on Facebook to see if I could get any of my male friends to simply answer the question and surprisingly, actually not surprisingly because it's VERY revealing about one's character, there was very few responses. Maybe it's because they don't want to share because we're friends but more so I think it's because it's not a conscious thing. I think they tend to think about it as something that happens on a more subconscious level.
So I took this conundrum to work because I thought 'hey therapists will talk about these kind of things right?' The conversation we had came up with 2 main factors. One being what we defined as
the perceived level of sluttiness. Note this does not rely on how sexually active the person actually is but rather how the other person perceives them. The second being
desire to date during the daytime. See when you take away the booze there's no illusions of the night and there's less shadiness. Can you picture yourself out in the world with this person in full light where the whole world can see you? I considered this a pretty accurate conclusion but then I found so many more answers based on people's maturity, individualism, and openness to respond truthfully.
I received a simple text answer from a friend with a mere two words "forbidden fruit" every time he elaborated he just continued with more innuendos but nevertheless I thought it was an interesting response. I do think that the allure of an unknown person would greatly change the desirability of that person. On the other hand there also is an element of time lessening/increasing this person's desirability. Is this person there for a single day or are they going to be in my environment all of the time. People are more willing to take risks when the potential amount of time spent together is lower.
My favorite answers came from men who I consider having moved passed the immature douchey stage. An old high school friend said
"There really isn't a difference between a girl I
would date and a girl I would just sleep with because if I were willing
to sleep with them then chances are I'd want to date them."My roommate believes it's a combination of having no expectations for any given experience and to let things happen organically. Nothing forced, no set ideas about what's happening, but just to go with the flow and see how things play out. These seem like more mature views a more adult like stance so to say. Both no longer see the point in just "hooking up" unless there is a potential for something more even if it's just casual not monogamous dating.
The opposite of "adult" is the straight up insanity that is found online. These days the internet provides a plethora of opinions and an open forum to express that ridiculousness without revealing your identity. This "article" from Elite Daily- The voice of generation-Y The Girls You Hook Up With Vs. The Girls You Marry is an example of a very male driven simple view on this complex topic. I can't tell you how many times I rolled my eyes reading this 20? 40? 75??? I mean it was a lot! The medium of the internet gives the anonymity for people to say what they want to say without judgment of others responses in their face. The following responses all came from a Reddit forum thread and they show various opinions about what guys think in regards to this question.
Some fast and quick opinions....
Atheleus Availability?
yourhometownsucks Usually about 40 pounds.
gravitykillsbabies A paper bag
M-Lin Anal
helloreddits456464 About 50 IQ points
You can see here that they really were not holding back anything.
Now this little gem is my favorite response for it's ridiculousness.....
homeboy5925 a hook up (aka a "jump off") is basically anyone who is willing/stupid
enough to have sex with you. Dating standards are much higher. Sex is
great but at the end of the day I want someone I can smoke weed and
watch Hey Arnold with.
Those who think it's purely a looks thing:
tmc_throwaway
-Hookups tend to be based on aesthetics and sexual chemistry alone. I
had sex with a lot of women who were absolutely not my type (vastly
different interests, beliefs, etc) and it was purely about the physical.
If a girl took an emotional shine to me it was a turnoff. Every new attractive hookup was an affirmation of self, and
my batting average was high.
I really don't wanna come off like a misogynist, but I respect a
woman more if she doesn't just put out straight away. It's down to trust
and I don't think I could trust a girl who would just sleep with me the
first time we meet to not do the same with others.
-Date material on the other hand, insofar as my subjective notion of
it applies, is a girl who is creative, intelligent, fun, sweet,
interesting, etc - all the things my girlfriend is. I love spending time with her, I consider myself lucky to
know her, and I trust her. That's the real difference, I guess.
Dresden_skyline
Hot, want to fuck her - hook up.
Hot, want to talk to her, fuck her, do things for her, fuck her, want her to like you, buy her things, fuck her - date.
SixShotSamYou want to sleep with both. You only want to wake up next to one.
SAHDman Attractive? Hook-up. Attractive, smart, and sane? Dating material
"hot"
vs. "beautiful."
McWake (WRITTEN BY A FEMALE)
"Hot" or "hook up" worthy is the girl or guy you see at a bar and you
really just want to see them naked. You don't really want to have to
talk to them. "Hot" is a bar
hook-up, or someone's hot body, or a nudie picture. "Hot," I think, is
young and temporary and shallow, but, obviously, it is a pretty good
thing to be.
"Beautiful" is the man or woman you see somewhere, and you can't help
but think "Woah." You want to have coffee with them or wake up next to
them or date them for a year. "Beautiful" is solid and it ages nicely
and it is the kind of person you really want to date and get to know.
I think that line between hot and beautiful also usually ends up being the line between hook up and date.
Madonna Whore Complex:
"The seemingly conflicting desires that some (but certainly not all) men
have for a woman who is experienced in the bedroom and unashamed of
showing sexual prowess ("whore"), but at the same time a woman who is
wholesome, clean and nuturing ("madonna"), particularly enough to not be
branded a "slut"." (
urbandictionary)
It's apparent that this complex is pretty common now a days and it's very polarizing to woman either i'm a slut or a prude. Yet in reality we are everything and nothing we are just people.
WarPhalange The first one I think about while masturbating. The second one I think about while masturbating, and then feel bad about it.Masturbating to a girl reduces her to a sex object. I don't care if it's
just some hot chick I have no feelings for or vice versa. But if it's a
girl I'd want to
date, that means I care about her on some level and would rather not reduce her to a mere sex object.
KCisTall Hookups I worry about whats going in her mouth and Dating i worry about whats coming out.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T
rosAccosted How much respect I have for her as a person.
Seems harsh, but I honestly only feel that undeniable desire to date a
girl who thinks and acts in ways I respect. Her thoughts and opinions
on the world, how she carries herself and interacts with other people,
and the connection I feel for who she is. Finding a pretty face in a
crowd isn't tough, finding one I cant walk away from is.
AKA: A bar star might be a nice fuck, but if she cant hold a good
conversation and entertaining time with me, shes not going to get any
further than that.
Some men feel that intelligence really is a turn on for them and if the girl is not smart they don't want to do it.
kamikaze_tsunami Eh. Just can't really enjoy it if I know she's a complete idiot.
Phallic Let's face it, if she doesn't have her Ph.D yet she's not worth a bang
NawNaw And I'm just saying a one night stand hook-up is a form of instant
gratification (boiling down the courting process to hours) and that
intelligence of a mate is more attributed to a long term benefit in a
relationship and would be rendered inert if said relationship is less
than 24 hours.
angusthebull I want to respect the girl I'm fucking, even on a one night stand.
notthegolfer Oh I'll respect her. That's why I leave quietly. (
Douche comment but kinda hilarious)
We all know I think language is sexy but in case you forgot:
Words Are Sexy Blog
Some men like to use their intelligence to answer the question:
ShabbySheik
Girl I'd hook up with (I believe I could explain it better with a simple equation.)
(X x 1) + 3 + (A + Y / 2) = Z
X = The girl's level of attractiveness on a scale of 1-10 (
Note: A girl can be a zero, as in no attraction whatsoever. In this case, there is no possibility of me sleeping with her.)
Y = The number of months it's been since I've had sex
Z = If Z >= 10 I'm probably willing to sleep with her
Some men weigh the pros and cons:
(This is my overall favorite for most logical, thought-out, and honest response)
BaseballGuyCAA
The best analogy I can think of is the difference between an enlisted
member of the Navy and a Navy SEAL. As men, we have two very distinct
sets of standards. Generally speaking, the "hookup" standard is
anywhere from a tick to a massive chasm lower than the "dating"
standard. Want my cock tonight? If you're reasonably attractive, not a
total bore/annoyance, and interested, you can make it happen. It's no
commitment, so there's no need to delve too deeply into it. Many, many
girls can pass the "hookup" standard.
However, dating means commitment. Dating carries a tremendous
opportunity cost for the sexually active single male. You are throwing
away an unknown amount of pussy, of unknown quality. It's like telling a
game show contestant not to take the mystery box. Experience tells you
that the prize inside is going to disappoint, but it'll all be worth it
that one time when the box has tickets to Hawaii in it. Similarly,
your experience tells you that most drunken random sexual partners will
range from "mediocre" to "above average," but the fantasy of going home
with the double-jointed gymnast overpowers that.
So if a man can find sexual satisfaction while single, the
cost-benefit analysis of a relationship is pretty uneven. In order for
the perceived benefits to outweigh the perceived costs, the girl in
question needs to be an absolute no-brainer. Meeting the bare-minimum
hookup standard isn't good enough. You've got to be a total package.
Physical attractiveness, intelligence, sense of humor, core values, etc.
Sexual compatibility is huge, too.
Just because you meet the hookup standard doesn't necessarily mean you meet the dating standard. It's unfortunate, but true.
The problem is, most women don't operate this way. The gap between
"hookup-worthy" and "couple-worthy" is usually a lot smaller.
From my
experience, if a girl is willing to sleep with you she's at least
curious about a possible relationship. If things are going well and
you're seeing each other regularly (even if it is only for sex), she
takes this as a sign that you want to see her, and things are
progressing. Even though there is a better-than-average chance that
it's just a sign you want your dick wettened.
The short version of the above? I'll hook up with just about
anyone reasonable. But for me to commit, I have to be able to look
myself in the mirror and say "
I would have to be absolutely insane to
pass on this girl."
It's taken me over a month to compile this and process my own views enough to form a coherent conclusion. I went on a real date last week one that was planned out, agreed to by both parties, fun and pleasant. No silly business, in the day time, and he paid for my hot chocolate, muffin, and he even brought to the date one of my favorite things, blueberries. There are people who want to date in the traditional sense of the word- it's just taken me over a year to find a single one in this entire city. I think many factors come into each man's personal choice. Level of maturity, I think is a huge one, past encounters and experiences, moving past the the wild college day mentality and growing up a bit, and willingness to be open to something real whether that includes commitment, time, current life focuses etc.The bottom line is there is no one answer each man has their own standard as unique as the person they are.....So sorry ladies you're going to have to figure out each one... there's no golden rule here. Every guy has there own standard for girls that they will date vs girls they just want to hop in bed with. Best of luck deciphering where you fall- the universe knows they don't always make it easy!
Another point that just needs to be thrown in here is that in real life BDSM couple 2 adult people are mutually agreeing to conduct themselves by certain rules and behaviors. It depends on ABSOLUTE trust,faith, and safety. No one is being manipulated or pushed into that kind of lifestyle. SO the idea that these people are emotionally abusing their partners is so far from the true intent of the practice. I work with people in domestic abuse scenarios every day and that's true manipulation not this movie.
