It started with a thought, as most of my articles do, when I was at my birthday party and realized huh- when I was a teenager I always imagined i'd get married at 28. It was what my young naive brain considered an ideal timeline "oh i would have met someone by 25 we could have had 3 years traveling, hanging out, and being awesome, I don't need to get married earlier, then have my first kid by 30." For the past few years this imaginary deadline never came to mind but for some reason dressed in 70's garb drinking an alcoholic snow cone in Hollywood it did. In immediate fear and shock I pulled out my phone to check happn and see the immediate men in my vicinity at that moment. Thinking maybe it's tonight, maybe it's now.... it wasn't.
Truly 28 was just this arbitrary number that seemed to fit into the plan of what I imagined my life to be what my 16 year old self wanted. My 28 year old self can not imagine being married right now it's hard enough planning a date with my schedule let alone a full blown partnership. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks a few mornings after. Michael was imparting his sage wisdom that "it's better to not drink at all then have one beer." To which I turned to him and said "Michael I will always care for him but he is not what I want anymore. He's not the man because X, Y, Z. Also because I want someone who wants me. Where we look into each others eyes and pick each other. I've never been anybody's girlfriend I've never been in a reciprocal love relationship and I'm 28 and that sucks" I was crying at this point. He stared back at me with a deep look of sadness. I turned away and murmured "I try -I don't what else to do" and he answered with his usual retort "it's a numbers game you just" " i know I know" I stop him begging not to hear this theory again.
The idea just kept ruminating in the back of my psyche popping up every few hours nagging at the part of my conscious brain that just didn't want to pay it any mind. Is this me? or some societal deadline i'm inflicting on myself? It's me I want this- let's be real with ourselves we want this... it went on this way for a week. I had a meetup with a guy from tinder who was hosting and preforming a comedy show in Hollywood. I dragged my friend after work to go but the whole event was closing down as we got there and I only saw him briefly twice before he seemingly vanished. Not wanting to seem to eager and say hi when I first arrived and then he didn't respond to my text. To make the situation more interesting we were drinking "the nectar of the gods" amazon meal that is suppose to illicit fertility and sexual vigor.
He was insanely attractive, a dj, a comedian oh and had a beard :) but this was a fail all around.We decided to try our luck strolling down hollywood blvd on the walk of fame. We split a slice of pizza and meandered by the bars looking to see who was out and what we could find. Standing outside the W peering into the outside bar my friend said "Soul mate are you there?!? ( long pause) no my soul mates not here." She made a very sad dejected pout face hung her head and pretended to be crushed. This joke became our new thing as we walked in and out of places looking for our soul mates. It was silly we were having but the underlining truth was that two sexy, awesome, intelligent, ladies were both still very single.
We went into a sports bar after I announced "come on a sports bar will have guys let's go." She suggests doing a lap which I pleasantly agree. It's one of my personal favorite ways to "scope out the scene" also good for celebrity spotting and finding the emergency exits. As we passed these 2 gentleman at the corner of the bar they totally turned their heads and were checking us out. I say over my shoulder "did you see that?" "yep" she smirked back. We decide to leave anyway but being in this playful mode I go over to the window outside to see if there still there. We were lingering joking around about fried chicken when the taller bearded guy came into the lobby and looked out at us. I looked back told her to come look. It sounds truly ridiculous now recanting this back and forth game but we were just fucking around and certainly not taking our search seriously at all. We continued on our way to a convenient store to look at the fake Oscars. When low and behold who come into the store a few moments later but the 2 guys.
She looks at me and snickered "you know these are the guys right" to which I respond "I know" with a smirk. I don't know how it happened but it mere few seconds i'm now dancing with a Jewish Seth Rogen look alike in the middle of a convenient store on the walk of fame. Banter goes on about my key necklace being the key to my heart her crystal necklace holding secret powers blah blah blah. We continue talking outside for about a half hour and the conversation went in all the ridiculous ways first conversations usually do.
I became really aware in that moment their are two kinds of girls when it comes to leaving men your not interested in. Type A: the ones who don't engage in conversation or politely say bye i'm not interested etc and leave Type B: the ones who even though they aren't interested stay. This situation has happened so many time in my various bar, club, event settings but for whatever reason at this moment it becomes clear. I am the type A girl I would rather being doing anything else more worthy of my time then spending another second around someone who can't doesn't spark my intellectual interests. She's type B and the slow decline of conversations spirals to a level of boredom all of us are too polite to exit from.
The highlight of the conversation and the purpose for all this back story is:
Bearded guy: I have a guestion when you ladies came into the bar you clearly seemed like you were looking for something... what was it?
( we exchange glances)
Friend: french fries
Me: ya we had pizza and we've been walking up and down the bulevard looking for fries
Bearded guy: there's a fry shop over there (points) or the bar had fries- I don't beleive you for a second what were you really looking for?
Me: Do you really want to know? Truly? (he nods) soul mates
Both guys laugh
Bearded Guy: fair enough mission I can't knock that
It's interesting because you can't really knock someone for looking for love it's the most honorable search in life. No matter what people say at then end of the day everybody wants to be loved even if they ago about in truly fucked up ways sometimes. As we recounted the whole evenings events in the car we noted how nice it was how these guys made the effort to follow and initiate talking. It's rewarding to feel wanted by someone every now and again even if it doesn't necessarily go anywhere after that. For me it was like something out of a movie beyond what my younger self could have imagined about being in LA and what I'd be up to at 28.
I openly admit I was a bit butthurt (god I hate that term) about the Tinder guy and the fact I didn't randomly meet a guy who was into me. My friend on the other hand actually went out with one of the guys the next night! I am frustrated because I don't know how more transparent I can be. I'm open and honest about my intentions and what i'm looking for. I only engage in things that seem to be on that same page of what I want. And after all these "experiences" I've had over the past few months I feel utterly disheartened.
A second incident, that will be mentioned in another blog, happened on Friday night that pretty much sealed it for me. Now is not the time for what ever reason the universe is being very clear- NO. A friend mentioned for all of my efforts that perhaps i'm trying to manifest something too hard. It saddens me that at my age I've never dated anyone seriously and if i'm being honest not even come close. I've dated casually a lot but never with a commitment or title attached. I openly acknowledge the role I potentially played in protecting myself from being hurt perhaps. However when all if said and done I just don't understand why.
