The Independent Woman's Conundrum

        In the past year I've really struck about the idea of personal Independence- what if means to have it or not, it's pros and cons and what it means for me, personally, in my life. Now i'm not just talking about the showy very bold Beyonce "I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent" kind of independent women.It's power can't be denied of course 10 Most Empowering Beyonce Songs (although I prefer my role models to be more clothed). I'm also pointing out the everyday subtle independence that's about the pure joy and freedom of running one's own life the way you, and only you, wish it to be.
            I left home at 24 to move from Massachusetts out to LA my mom had died 2 years earlier and my father was not very present.  I had made the choice at 16 to move to LA and everything after that was just a series of steps to bring that to fruition. There was no one there to try to stop me but even if there had been I would have done it anyways. I only had one panic attack 4 hours into my cross country move where I doubted my choice and wanted to return, it lasted 10 minutes, and I haven't looked back since. I didn't always have a strong inner voice I had to find it and develop it and education was a big part of that. However once I found it.....it was all me- my choice and my dreams. I believed in standing up for something you wanted even at the risk of failure and I still do.
        I always knew it would be hard there was never a doubt in my mind about that. I made a goal the next year to be financially independent at any price. I knew as long as someone was paying for me they could have control over me and even take it all away. That first 6 months I made only $10 a hour and somehow managed to live in this very expensive city. By the next September I had a job that paid all my bills, nothing extra, but just enough. It wasn't until recently when my health has been bad have I had to ask for anything.
          I have friends in different cultural communities who have little to no Independence. They are confined to live with their parents until marriage and don't have much opportunity for their voices and thoughts to be acknowledge. It also come with a strong bond of care, sometimes over bearing care, that I can't fathom. No one ever tells me what to do or how to live my life. Sometimes I wish I had that person who cares enough to be that involved no matter how menacing or annoying it seems. It fascinating to see this dichotomy play our in our lives. Both successful, intelligent women whose live are influenced my such a different set of standers and rules.

      Without freedom of choice I buck like a wild horse someone is trying to tame. The more someone tells me what I "have to do" the more I want to rebel against it. I think it's important especially as a women, to always be knowledgeable about your options in all circumstances. Try and learn everything about it so you can make the most informed choice for yourself. I can't and won't knock down someone for choosing to live a life that is kept under a more patriarchal system. I do however vehemently am adamant about fighting for women who can't make that choice that need our help in being able to stand up and be independent.
       When I see the news stories around the world I can't believe how little freedom others have. It's not even women but young girls who endure female genital mutilation, rape, and domestic abuse. I wish I could be the voice for every single person that can't have one- I don't know how to do that. So I write it out in blogs and raps and hope that it touches someone so they can be part of my goal too.



   Wow Shannon this has been such a pro independent women piece- what is this "conundrum" you're on about? I've seen it in my life and in one particular friend. She has a master degree, is a powerhouse of questioning privilege and diversity, and she answers to no one. Sometimes though on certain days... she just wants to be taken care of. I had the same thought yesterday- my body was very week from the SIBO and I paused thinking how nice it would be if someone could clean my smoothie containers so I could make one to eat. There's that pang of longing where you're seeking help and comfort but the structure of the life you have doesn't have that built into it.
          I struggle with the idea of "I need someone" vs "no, I can do it all myself." When you don't have anyone around you can't be disappointed but when you need someone, there isn't always someone watching your back for you either. I don't know the solution and how the puzzle pieces fit together I flip flop daily.This isn't a bad thing it just is a piece that's important to remember. People need people no matter how much we fight it! It's so easy to say I'm going to this with no one's help but my own. That's such a great fighting spirit but we also have to consider the type of people we want to be on our journey with. Friends who support are advancements at work, girlfriends who don't just gripe about boys, and mentors to continue to inspire you to grow.   
         I also worry how much influence men have over me and the patriarchal that still runs much of my environment. I like to believe in equality but I don't see it happening. Patricia Arquette's said in her now world famous Oscar speech “It’s our time to have wage equality once and for all and equal rights for women in the United States of America.” The way our health care laws are made without consulting women and the predominance of rape culture. I'm conflicted about how to live within this system while fighting against it.

      My wish is for all the independent women out there who pay all their own bills, including student loans, their rent, their food, who refuse to bend to the status quo to surround yourself with like minded people. Those who can be there for you in your "I just want someone to take care of me" moments and your "I do my job better then that guy but get paid half as much" frustrations. Together we can do anything in the words of Beyonce:

 
   Now if we could get this video but with ALL KINDS of powerful women that would be epic!
Mother Theresa, Malala Yousafzai, Gloria Steinem, Rosa Parks, Jill Stein, Maya Angelou, Hillary Clinton,Tina Fay, Laverne Cox, Elizabeth Warren, Opra Winfrey just off the top of my head- may have to make this video myself!  

Breaking the Rose Colored Glasses

For those of you who don't know this slightly dated phrase:

rose-coloured glasses  (British & Australian) also rose-colored glasses/rose-coloured spectacles (American & Australian/British)

 -if someone thinks about or looks at something with rose-coloured glasses, they think it is more pleasant than it really is. She's nostalgic for a past that she sees through rose-colored glasses.

** Press Play and listen while reading to get the post's full effect **

      "La Vie En Rose" is a famous Edith Piaf she sings  "Je vois la vie en rose" (I see life in pink). I always identified with this idiom. I am a dreamer, an idealists, and sometimes in a slightly unhealthy way choose to see the world through rose colored glasses. I've chalked it up to being "my nature" and allowed myself to be swept into a dream at times. It doesn't matter so much if the "dream" was once based in truth sometimes the most lovely of stories is spoken then gets exaggerated till it takes on a life of it's own becoming a whole new story indeed.

      This week I was reconsidering some of the major events I've choosen to see with a nice large pair of heart shaped rose colored glasses. I could go into detail but that would give away part of my novel (River Song: SPOILERS) so you must be content to take my word for it. It's not so important to know what events I looked at but more so that I NO LONGER wish to see them that way.

     In Buddhism we have this idea that you must look as yourself clearly and only then can you see the reality of your situation. "Nichiren Daishonin stressed the importance of self-knowledge and inscribed the Gohonzon – that is, the object of devotion—as a mirror to reflect our true self, our innate Buddhahood. He goes so far as to say, “No other knowledge is purposeful” " So how can one see themselves clearly if they are looking at their world in a tainted way ?!?!? The answer is... THEY CAN'T!!!

      So I A) Identified the idea/dream that I wanted to change B) Looked at my role in perpetuating that ideal C) Decided to try and change it-    Sure now that's all well and good but what's left? I still felt crushed, angry, confused and exasperated. When in doubt it's best to get advice from someone older and wiser then you. Our Men's Division Leader and amazing actor Ron Glass indulged me tonight when I asked "If someone is deep in the world of anger how do they change that poison into medicine?". The following is not a direct quote but a compilation of a few various things he said:

 "We are seeing the world through the prism of our own weakness. When we do this humanistic practice religiously nobody can sway our life condition. It's the inner transformation that allows us to deal with and have the wisdom to create value from our external circumstances. We should learn to use that anger to create value"

     I will willingly admit that I was in tears because it was exactly the guidance I needed to hear. It was a statement of hope but also change. At the end of the day we have to take responsibility for our own actions and the way we choose to see our world. I want to create value out of all the things I've experienced no matter how painful. I want to rip off the rose colored glasses and shatter them on a slab of concrete till they smash in a million tiny shards. It's important to me to identify the difference between something that actually is and something that I want it to be. I deserve the best kind of amazing story one that doesn't need a rosy tint to make it beautiful it will just inherently already be that way. I've officially broke the rose colored glasses, I hope they weren't Prada.

I made this little graphic as part of a future collage it fell out of my diary while I was writing today :)

    

The Human Emotion Barometer

So at the group last week the facilitator made this analogy about humans keeping an emotion barometer in a clear white tube all throughout their gut to their throat. The idea goes something like this.....
A a baby we just flat out express ourselves. If we are hungry we cry if something makes us happy we laugh it's simple, pure, true to the present moment, and 100% natural.
As a toddler we start to filter our emotions maybe a child takes away your favorite toy so you start to cry and an adult comes along and says "stop crying" this scares you so you stop and that emotion goes into your inner emotional tube.
As a kid you have more and more experiences and society teaches you the rules on how to be and not be. You look to peers and parents for affirmation you're doing "the right thing" anything that is deemed "the wrong thing" you keep inside you and your inner emotions fill up more and more
As a teen you are just frickin full of emotions and are still learning ways to express them in a healthy way at the same time your body is changing, your hormones are crazy, and you think you know everything which leaves you a hot mess- super filling up that tube.
As an adult you've now learned many things but you also have "learned"(behavior forming) things that make you present yourself in a particular away. You filter yourself, your environment, and push away all the things that don't fit into you definition of what you want to acknowledge (or if your one of the lucky ones you work on a path of inner peace :) so that tube stars getting filled to the brim.

Let's take me- I'm "sweet" the number one word people always use to describe me is sweet. After a few years of a friendship I get creative or witty but from casual acquaintances it is ALWAYS sweet. Can one person really be sweet all the time?!?!?
The answer: HELL NO!
        The emotion i'm most notorious for holding in is anger. For more thoughts on that see my past post The "Hulk" In You I remember in 7th grade my teacher yelled at me for chatting and I cried! I was so embarrassed I was 14 and crying because I got yelled at. To this day I do no do well with authoritative yelling (the army would be my personal hell). My frustration at something usually results in floods and floods of tears. Last week when I was denied something I very much needed all that could come out was tears I was sooooooooooo angry. I was not sad but I was so frustrated and the only way I could express myself was an outpouring of emotion via my tear ducts.
    Which brings me back to the emotional barometer. After years and years of containing all these emotions you have there reaches a point where you can just no longer take it and a release is inevitable. The extreme would be going bat shit crazy and like killing someone or getting drunk and spewing out all you deep dark thoughts about everyone and everything. Some people never "release" it and those are those high strung people who yell at traffic, the waitress, and anybody who crosses their path.
    On my journey one of the things that has helped me more then anything else throughout the years is writing letters. For me it provides a way to say everything I truly want to say without the other person's reaction in my face (which can seriously deter you from speaking your honest inner truth in person) I don't often give these letters to people which is a shame because the language is often very powerful, intense, and poetic. I've been sick for the past few months and my body literally started to reject anything I ate yet I gained a ton of weight clearly I was a mess. For me whenever the body goes haywire the solution is acupuncture and some serious talk therapy!
     I was warned that sometimes an outpouring of emotion comes after the treatment and I remember having immediate responses when I did acupuncture back in MA. At first I just came home and had the urge to write in my diary (yes I actually do right things not on the internet that I intend no one to see ever).  Then I felt the need to write a letter and then another then a third... at this point I was like you need to stop you have to go to work. So I dropped it for about 6 hours when I got home I went to continue my nightly routine of chanting, checking my sites, and Orange is the New Black ( seriously have you watched it yet it's sooo good)  but I felt strongly compelled to pick up that note pad again- the result... 5 more letters.
     I was truly shocked the only thing that made me stop writing was the fact it was 3 AM my writing looked like a 3 year olds and was completely illegible, and my eyes were swollen almost entirely shut from the tears. That probably sounds terrible but it was actually super amazing!!! It was so intensely cathartic and I felt like I was truly expressing myself for the first time in months. There was nothing "sweet" about it most of it was pure anger coming out in poetic lines of rage and it felt heavenly. After a second treatment it only went deeper which really helped me re define what I was angry about, the triggers, and what it all stemmed from.
     My emotional barometer was almost entirely shattered or at least seriously dumped out into like a sewer pit of shit. It was like everything I've been holding in about my Mom's death, my past loves, my current situation- everything was expelled. It was out on the table for only me to see so I could take a real hard deep look and put it back together in some semblance of inner sanity. There truly is something to be said for laying out all your cards on the table. So I took care of some Mom stuff with the group, got out all this inner rage through the letters, and I've taken steps to be more aware of how I hide the anger from myself and push it deep down inside me. I don't want to look back in another 2 years filled to the brim again with emotion. I want to live a life of truth it's all I've ever wanted and it's what I will strive for every day of my existence. How full is your human emotional barometer??? This chicks is looking a little full.....

I don't know if i've ever experienced an "emofunk" but it sounds kinda fun!

Motherless Daughters Group: Week One

I found this really funny..I don't know why

        So I want to share a little about my experience without breaking the codes of confidentiality. First off I feel so excited, overjoyed, relieved to even be able to attend the meeting in the first place (thanks to a generous donation from the dead mommy fund). To be in a room with 7 other women who have all lost their mother before they turned 24 is really relieving. 7 people who understand exactly what I am feeling and who aren't trying to talk me out of those emotions. We are all at various stages of life from being the youngest single member (myself), to engaged, newly weds, soon to have kids, etc but all intertwined by this common thread- we don't have a living mother. Each story struck me- exact phrases I had uttered before coming out of the mouth of a stranger sitting across from me and piercing my heart. After years of no one else really "getting it" there are now 7 who do. There's a difference between empathy and sympathy that few probably realizing losing a parent  is one of those scenarios where empathy just doesn't cut it- sure it helps but it's just not the same. They are just as petrified about having kids as I am. They cried for months before their weddings. I don't even know these women yet, just their basic stories, but I already love them all- we're connected in a way that goes deeper. I'm excited for the next 3 weeks have in store. I'm a little apprehensive this will throw me deeper down the dark path i've been traveling but it's laced with a stronger element of hope for some type of closure. We've been promised pain but also laughter so emotional roller coaster here I come...I have one ticket to ride ~S~

The Keys to Surviving Solitude

1) Learn to Enjoy Your Own Company:
       Step One: Love Yourself this is harder then it sounds. Ya know when you beat yourself down- I should have done this - why aren't I doing that? what was the purpose of majoring in that degree? SHUT THAT OFF  it does no one any good especially your piece of mind/sanity.
      Step Two: Find activities that you can enjoy doing alone. For me it's hiking, reading, watching movies, painting, and practicing my British accent. I don't need anyone to have those things be fulfilling they just are because I truly enjoy them.
      Step Three: Appreciate Silence: We live in such a busy chaotic world it's such a rare thing to be still and do nothing. I'm always listening to music, chanting, thinking so loud I swear it's audible- quiet... such beautiful nothingness.

***When you can be alone and be perfectly content it is much easier to be by yourself for any length of time.

2) Find Something That Gives You Purpose:
   ( If you thought point 1 was hard you're in for another doozey)
    Step One: pin point what you are passionate about. For me it is, and always has been, acting- I enjoy it, I find it fulfilling, and it's challenging. When I can't do that pretty much anyway of being creative art, writing etc does a stand up replacement. What make you really want to get up and do something?
   Step Two: Takes steps to be able to do the things you love. Maybe your goal for the day is just going to the store to by supplies for your project. Maybe it's taking a few moments for self reflection. Whatever needs to be in place for you to do your passion counts as doing it - I repeat ALL SMALL STEPS COUNT
   Step Three: Do it- simple- do what you are passionate about!

***When you are actively involved in something you truly love you are fulfilled, content, and happy.

3) Change the Way You Think About Being Alone:
   Step One: No time for a pity party- life is too short. If you're at home thinking "why do I have no one to spend time with, hang out" etc  it is only inflicting a poor me mentality and no one wants to be around that. Seriously those  people who always complain never have friends because NO ONE ever wants to be around complainers.
   Step Two: "You have power over your mind-not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." Marcus Aurelius. You can't control a friend bailing last minute or the epic snow storm happening outside (wait I live in LA- scratch that example) but you can control how you feel about it. So let it be - RELAX- and enjoy your new found moment to do you.
   Step Three: Overcome that strong fear of being on your own. "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face..we must do that which we cannot" Eleanor Roosevelt. It's hard I get it were humans we fear abandonment, no one loving us, etc but shit happens living in fear is not living at all. We only have such precious time on this planet make it count- throw out fear and live every second doing what you want to do!

***When our mind makes us the victim, weak, or in fear you can change that negativity to help you learn to appreciate, grown and transform.

I'm not proclaiming to be an expert on this but in the past year and eight months I've kinda become well versed in the art of surviving solitude- so why not share some of this slowly acquired wisdom?  I think being able to appreciate the process is one of the signs of being a fully functional adult... at least that's what I keep telling my quite often lost 26 year old self! ~S~

Sorta Syndrome

Sorta Syndrome- that moment in a potentially romantic relationship when both parties aren't really sure where they stand and neither will comment/commit so it becomes the epically ambiguous, sorta syndrome.

This week it has become abundantly clear that I continuously get in these sorta relationships ALL OF THE TIME. When straight up asking my high school crush if he ever liked me his ingenious response was "sorta" at this pivotal confessional moment years and years of "sorta moments" all came clicking into place.

        I think in our minds it is like the movies when two people meet they exchange some sexy glances, partake in some witty banter, and somewhere in their hearts they just "know." Not just in a "i'm physically attracted to you way" but in a solid way of "yes we both are equally into each other." I personally have never know if anyone likes me, ever.  I only get an answer if I initiate and do the asking. The response is NEVER "yes I am so into you let's do this." I'm not sure humans are even capable of being that open and honest! Here are a few examples of common sorta syndrome scenarios:

1) I do love you but.... basically I care about you I know we're great together but I don't want to be with you as a couple.

2) Were such good friends I don't want to mess up what we already have.

3) Deny Deny Deny- I am in complete denial about how I actually feel. I'm too scared/overwhelmed/excited (insert appropriate adjective here) to even consider dating you.

4) We're already great companions why do we have to label anything can't we just leave good enough alone?


       I think part of it comes from knowing what you want. What are you looking for in a future partner? What are you own goals and ambitions and can this person help you be the best person you can be to achieve that? I tend to have very strong opinions about what I want and don't so there are very few things I'm unsure about- the way men feel about me is probably the only one. I just want to shout from the top of my lungs "DO YOU LIKE ME ?!?!?!" My roommate informed me the lack of an answer is an answer. The entire book He's just not that into you is about this but is it that simple?
        For me there are always questions and I can get very in my head about what is happening. I doubt everything now because when I was younger I grossly romanticized and protected my self through false ideas. I learned that my interpretations of what were going on and what were actually going on were two totally different realities. Then I met someone and thought surely they are as connected to me as I to them- they weren't. After that I dated someone who was physically connected to me but still detached mentally. I was left wondering- is that all there is (insert musical notes here)?????
        Now I'm 26 having the exact same conversation I have had so many times before. When a person looks at you and says "sorta" does that actually mean "no" or just "i'm not sure"? Either way it does not mean "YES" I'm still trying to figure all this out but I do know I want a man to look at me and when asked "Do you want to date me?" there response would be an overwhelming "HELL YES!"I am not even sure such a thing exists but I do know I don't want to settle for a life stuck in sorta syndrome. I am awesome, strong, and I look really cute even without makeup. I, like every women, deserves someone who sees every aspect of their personality the good and the bad and loves them all. He thinks “All the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class included all the girls in the world except her, and they had all the usual human feelings and were very ordinary girls; while the other class -herself alone- had no weaknesses and was superior to all humanity.”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Or for a more modern twist: "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love Like I'm the only one who knows your heart Only girl in the world..."  RIHANNA - ONLY GIRL

See I'm the kind of girl who can quote Tolstoy and Rihanna and somehow make that work- i'm cool- who wouldn't want to say "HELL YES" to dating me ?!?! :)

5 reasons why acupunture kicks ass

 

         So my body had been leading a revolt against me since the wisdom teeth removal a month ago. My abdomen ballooned out to epic proportions, I threw by back out, and the my wrist began flaring up again. I was loosing it and then I remembered a friend of a friend (Alex) who I met at a party does acupuncture. I'm pretty broke and thought of going to a traditional doctor did cross my mind but all I wanted was acupuncture. It transformed me 2 years ago after my mother's death and all that trauma/stress I endured in my body. I basically came to realize it was 100% necessary for my health and I went today. My body feels a gazillion times better!!! When I went in I could only lift my leg to about 35 degree angle when I left I could do a solid 90 on both legs! I have energy and the overall fluidity of my joints it also improved. So I would like to share 5 reasons why acupuncture is an amazing experience:

1) You get to feel the inside of your body like you can't in any other way I have experienced. Usually we only pay attention to our muscles and nerves  if they are in pain or we are working out. However when you're on the table (if you really relax and let you mind be still) you can feel the nerve paths, interconnectedness of you as a living organism, and literally the energy flowing through you. It's a surreal feeling that it totally unexplainable you've got to feel it to understand it.

2) Your body heals- enough said

3) The acupuncturist takes into account your entire being in terms of physical, mental, emotional health to create a full body healing plan. Unlike western doctors they don't judge or try to make you conform to their personal beliefs in your health. I am so NOT about judging so this really works for the way I think and want to be.

4) The feeling that you along with the acupuncturists knowledge/needles have the power to change and effect your condition is beyond reassuring. Sometimes we think "why is my back spasming again" or "why am I always feeling lethargic" the solution is in you. This is a key Buddhist idea to which is that you have are the ultimate influence to yourself. Sometimes pain is debilitating- I felt so lost in my own body the last month and now I feel present and grounded.

5) For me the practice also gives me an element of hope. Hope that I will heal- hope that I will feel better- and hope that I will be able to the dancer pose in yoga again sometime soon. Western medicine does not give me hope it diminishes me and makes me feel bad about where I am right now.

I feel so grateful for the experience I had today and much more ready to conquer the world.
If you're in LA and want to try it out get in touch with Alex: Balance Within Medical Acupuncture

Byakuren: Human Revolution Year 1

Byakuren  "The mission of the Byakuren is to be pioneering practitioners, to protect fellow members who embrace the Gohonzon, and to safeguard our community centers—the strongholds of kosen-rufu." —Daisaku Ikeda (This mean to help out my Buddhist organization (SGI) with a fighting happy spirit)

     On Easter day one year ago I made a commitment to become a Byakuren and get involved with supporting members and be less ego driven. I remember the day I got inducted so vividly. I was scared I literally knew no one there except the girls I was first introduced to in order to sign up, Shima and Ty. I had no clue was I getting myself into other then the time commitment aspect of it and the fact everyone continuously said "it will change your whole life state." I was down for change and making friends so I swallowed my hesitation and went. I was away from my family on a holiday something that was still very new for being in LA but it felt right being there. After being inducted I felt excited and ready to tackle the challenge. At first I started off really strong going to every meeting and helping out the first Sunday of every month at KRG (when we chant for world peace) and did some toban shifts (3 hour night shifts at the center). Then I entered into the hellish realm of working 7 days a week. For 3 months I wasn't able to do ANY ACTIVITIES it was hurting my heart, my soul, and my life mission.
     I chanted to have time to be able to do Byakuren activities on top of the regular meetings as well. At that beginning of the year I was also appointed as a vice leader. So it became beyond clear that I needed a different schedule to be able to go about participating in everything I wanted to do. I got that and have been able to do almost every single activity as a member, leader and byakuren over the past 2 months (winning). I steadfastly helped out at the last 3 KRG even though waking up at 7 am is my personal hell. I got to witness the transformation of my leader Ty from dedicated Byakuren on her transitional journey forward. I've got to spend time with amazing/inspiring Colleen who reminds me to chant for what I want NOW.
    Last week it was the induction ceremony for new girls who want to undertake the challenge/transformation. I told myself I was only going to see Ty graduate, I really wanted to be exploring Malibu (which I did after). However it was so inspiring to hear about other young women's victories and to video conference with other Byakuren groups on the west coast! It was epic to see Ty give her "goodbye" speech after 9 years and the new girls collect their shift supply goodies bag- I loved it all. I started to think how has doing this changed me? I don't see any major transformation in my life state or have some major experience for proof even thought I was happy, I felt a little disheartened. I was thankful for the new ones joining and hoping for their transformation even though I couldn't see me own.

2012 Byakuren Induction

     Later that night Shima posted 2 pictures of me that I had never seen before from the induction back in 2012. I was literally shocked I personally think I look like an entirely different person. 2012 me looks a little scared but hopeful - unsure but willing- and my general size. I immediately looked at the 3 pictures I took that day (before my camera died) and was blown away. 2013 me looks joyful, confident, content, and radiant (also a little tired but hey my back was thrown out- I wasn't aiming for perfection)... maybe something had changed. I was left with this feeling of the journey I can see the transformation physically but what was the real end result on the inside?

2013 Byakuren Induction with Ty my fearless leader :)

   Today my alarm went off at 7am the first Sunday of the month it was time for KRG at 8. It would be our first one without Ty and I was pinged with a bit of sadness. It took everything I had to physically get myself there a shot of soda, some nice perfume, a pump me up jam, but it still takes tremendous energy even when you know the great benefit it will have. When I got to the room there was only one other older Byakuren and the rest where new. Us "experienced" girls shared some knowledge about our duties and what it means to be Byakuren during these meetings. I spent the next 3 hours dedicating myself to helping the meeting be as inspiring to the members as possible. Towards the end I talked with Carrie (who had come later on) about the induction and how it had been a year for us.
    I mentioned how bizarre it was to be helping train these new girls and how we once knew nothing about how to support these meetings either. There are specific duties, jobs, and general things we do always with the members happiness in mind. I concurred with Diyva the best way to lead them was by example and guidance. Don't get me wrong it wasn't about "teaching" them what I know in an ego way it was about seeing how far I had come and what I could do help train the next generation. They just represented me a year ago in a symbolic way. I was in awe at how much we have grown. Carrie, Diyva, Collen and I were all inducted last year and I never even realized until Ty posted a group shot from the previous year. I didn't know any of them then- we are all right next to each other- perfect strangers who are now connected.

LA Northwest inductees 2011

   If I get nothing else out of doing Byakuren it would at least be that I got to learn and grow along the side of these amazing women. We generally do a 2 year term so I have one year left to go. I questioned did I transform enough in the past year can I undergo my human revolution in the 1 year I have left? I look back and see one solid year of working to be the best Bodhisattva of the earth I can be. 1 year of struggle and victory. 1 year of friendship and bonding. Whether it being wobbling in the courtyard, performing skits, helping members, polishing our own inner mirrors, or transforming our Karma we did one year and we can do so much in the year we have left!

Carrie, Colleen, Ty, Shannon, and Cammie at February KRG fighting with our lion hearted spirit!

Pretty is the New Ugly

pret·ty

[prit-ee] Show IPA adjective, pret·ti·er, pret·ti·est, noun, plural pret·ties, adverb, verb, pret·tied, pret·ty·ing.adjective

1.pleasing or attractive to the eye, as by delicacy or gracefulness: a pretty face.

        So in the past few weeks I have developed a strong disdain to being called "pretty" and "sweet." Why wouldn't you want to be called two very complimentray adjectives you may ask? The thing about it implies that this how i'm defining you as that one thing. I feel like I am a dynamic complex person with numerous facets to my personality. In different enviornments and with different people my idenity seems to chameleonize. 

       On Friday I got to see one of my east coast friends who I have not seen in about 2 years. He knows me in a way west coast people probably haven't seen yet. For a whole 5 minutes I felt like I was just me again the Shannon who is so loveable and happy, everyone wants to be her friend. In LA I have become fiercely independent, strong willed, and use to being alone. Some of that carefree nature and hippesque lack of abandon had been replaced with a fighting need for survival. It's different when the only thing you have to fall back on is your own self. 

       At my job I feel like there is a version of me that's teetering between professional adult and my innate nature to socialize and be friends. I dress a certain way, act a certain way, and even become a certain way when I am there. Of course we all act more professional at work and cut loose when were off but it's almost more then that. I struggle to identify myself as I grow into adulthood and yet I still want to incorporate the traits that make me unique and one of a kind. Pretty in not unique and sweet will probably always be the number one additive others use to describe me.  

       Calling someone pretty one day also implies that they didn't look pretty the day before. They're not saying wow the way you put that outfit together is so stylish or your accessories are so one of a kind. I get "pretty" often and it is sweet if I never got complimented I would probably be devastated. However when you interact with dozens of people a day who say the same exact thing to you it gets numbing. Outwardly I accept every remark gracifully and with smile inwardly i'm rolling my eyes and pouting. Pretty and sweet are also both degrading as a women who wants to be complimented on her job performance and character.

      I want to be seen as someone who is strong, loyal, courageous, independent, trustworthy, vivacious, and intriguing. I am someone who is transitioning into adulthood the only way I know how- trial and error. I'm finding my way in the more adult world and this city that continues to push me to my limits in every way. I challenge you tomorrow to go to one coworker and say something genuinely nice to them a compliment that is sincere and individualized for that person. Even thought my pretty is the new ugly for someone that might be something they never been called. Every human in unique so find out what makes you - YOU and never let it go ~S~

This chic totally agrees with me and waxes poetic about it http://www.upworthy.com/this-womans-beef-with-prettiness-will-leave-you-speechless?c=ufb4
  
A Fab article on a similar note Lena Dunham style: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/03/14/lena_dunham_playboy_interview_dunham_doesn_t_want_the_body_of_a_victoria.html

Just in case you needed any more "proof" http://hellogiggles.com/why-being-called-pretty-sometimes-gets-ugly 

  

The Rubix Cube of Life

          Today was a big day for me, this week was a big week for me....I turned 26. I've dreaded turning 26 since I was 22 and they changed all the health insurance laws so that by 26 you could no longer be on your parents health plans- I had nightmares about it for real. Then I was blessed enough to get a job where my benefits would start 3 months before I turned 26- I was beyond relieved. I also 26 as the age of "real adulthood" and whatever I conceived that to be. At 26 you're closer to 30 then 20 which in mind felt old. So about 2 weeks ago I asked Nicholas from the center for insight/information on the practice of a mindfulness which is a certain genre of meditation to ease stress in my case my impending birthday which was giving me mini panic attacks. This birthday in particular was making me deeply miss and think of my mother. The meditations made me realize that a birthday isn't just about the person who was born but also the mother who brought that child into the universe probably the closet human connection anyone can ever have.
        I have always believed that emotions can be processed better when you can identify the root of what is causing it. So here I was realizing why I was upset but then left wondering what to do about it. For me the answer is always chanting, I chanted she would give me a message in a dream. 2 nights later there was a bizarre dream but the main thing I remember was my Mom was going to be going somewhere without me and I was going to be left at this place alone. As I freaked out she said "It's okay you can do it alone." I woke up and all day those words resonated with me.

Fashion Alley

     On my actual birthday I was all over the place but I just took my time chanting, taking to my father and just getting my self together. Downtown was fun and total fashion madness. As I sifted through the glittering bejeweled everything I found some stuff that really fit my more eclectic sense of style. I miss judged the time and ending up rushing to work and by some miracle of the universe was only 7 minutes "late" which is still early (trust me on that one). As I turned the corner to my desk I saw a beautiful bouquet of pink roses and the room shouted "Happy Birthday." I was ecstatic it was a great moment. Then I realized my coworker hadn't left me anything and I did a whole little thing on hers... little did I know she hid a poster for me in the calender pages that I would find- she planned that to. Then Saman rapped for me my favorite line was "starting off with the original trauma the day you came outta your momma" it was precious and hilarious. Even Paul stayed after his shift to help me do some of the work I got backed up on being the center of birthday wishes. It was as good as being 2,500 miles away from everyone I love could be- I felt loved.

        Today was suppose to be the day I took off to "celebrate" my birthday and go to LACMA. However when I woke it was pouring and the idea of waiting for the bus in the rain then paying 15 bucks to not even see the outside stuff just seemed lackluster. I then proceeded to spend the day self reflecting and taking steps to really find a recourse to help with this reawakened grief. After calling Our House ( a local grief centered) they directed me to an additional recourse called "motherless daughters" that is specifically for girls who lost their mother before age 24= me. I had searched for such a group in MA back in 2009 with no success and now here before was exactly what I dreamed of. The individual counseling is a whopping 185 an hour! so i'm chanting for that to somehow manifest. The thing is unless it happened to you (losing a mother young) you have no idea what is it like you just don't know the pain. Either way just reading the blogs, stories, and annoyances women go through when other people who haven't lost a mother say "silly" stuff, I was relieved.
      It brought back this memory which I don't think I have shared until now I remember right after my mother died I had a major panic attack and the moment after that ended I thought "who is going to take me wedding dress shopping now, whose is going to help me raise good kids??" other women have that SAME feelings- I wasn't alone. I then did another mindfulness exercise and just tried to stop the intense gripping pain in my heart and the fact my lower back becomes like a solid rock when I start to acknowledge the pain. Afterwards I was off to a district Buddhist meeting. I can't pull anything from it particularly other then the theme was living as a lion hearted champion. Afterwards I was talking to Chantz and telling him the above written story he then proclaimed "Girl, you're like a rubix cube. You know ya just keep clicking those pieces into place, one by one heading towards that final cube." The was one of the best analogies someone has ever described me with... it fit. I felt like yes I am still working on myself and certainly on this motherless daughter thing. I am also working on becoming an adult women who is strong and fearless. I am 26 now and ready to walk into adulthood like a strong force of determination and openness.

LA Year One: Top 10 Moments

Me officially on the West Coast!

So in honor of my one year living/surviving/kicking ass in LA I would like to mention my top 10 favorite moments (in chronological order)

1. My friend Dan moved out here to SD 2 years ago and he was going to be in town 2 weeks after I had been in LA. When he asked "Do you want to go to a vegetarian place?" I nearly died I was so excited. It was in Dtown Culver City and I got a tap on my back as I turned and screamed while simultaneously throwing my arms around him. It was only 2 weeks in but it was so comforting to see someone so familiar and comforting. The food was awesome and I had lavender lemonade to drink :) By using my powers of subtle suggestion I eventually got Dan to "come up with the idea" of going to the Santa Monica Pier. It was just like I had always pictured it and my first view of the pacific ocean in real life. The pier is like a magic world of fun and chaos. The sun was shinning and the ocean breeze keeping me cool it was perfect.

2. Jennie was in town and we had run all over the city sightseeing. One tour guide was like you took  her up to Muhalland drive right? I hadn't -so we went right at sunset to this overlook which shows all of LA for miles (what you can see through the hazy pollution anyways). It's far enough away that all the lights look like twinkling stars. The sky becomes pink/purple/orange and it's amazing. If felt real being there with one of my east coast friends in LA like it was cementing my presence in the city.

3. It was New Years Eve and Jennie and I ventured over to Amy's house for a pre party. There was karaoke and shots. We went to hermosa pier to a New England themed bar. We arrived 10 minutes before midnight just in time to pee grab a drink and rejoice. I remember looking up and screaming that's a celtic banner before Amy screamed back "It's a Boston bar" lol maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the fact I acquired an awesome feather tiara thing and a rose from a drunk guy but it was pure fun.

Such a sucker for a feather head piece!

4. It was my Birthday and at the time had like 3 friends in all of LA Alex/Pam and Amy. She basically said she'd do whatever I wanted. After the Edison was closed for a private party we decided on a jazz bar and burlesque themed place. However on the way I heard the sounds of my favorite British phenomenon -THE BEATLES there were Asian men as this Beatles tribute band! Fate intervened and I found myself singing Beatles in a state of pure joy. At midnight this kid Michael I went up and sang the Beatle's Birthday song (it was his birthday too) I was on cloud 9 is was so awesome. My shoes ended up in the rain overnight but let's not get to into detail....

Posing like a true starlet!

5. Kerri boss's apartment was throwing an event to raise money for clean drinking water. It was hosted my Michael Welch (FROM TWILIGHT) and there was free booze. There was publicity and one of those promotion backdrops. An hour in I was drink explaining to Michal the poverty I saw in Jamaica and how he should come to cabo with us. At cabo I spent hours flirting with a guy who looked like Jason Schwartzman (it was not JS) drank a margarita I don't remember. The stumbled down Hollywood BLVD looking at the walk of fame stars and just being happy to be there..

 6. It was finally hot enough to go to the beach in a bathing suit although after going in the ocean a sweatshirt seemed necessary. It was sunny and  I was with a bunch of girls just chilling. Eventually they all left and I watched the sun set over the water it was my first LA beach sunset and I took like a gazillion pictures writing I <3 socal in the sand (see blog cover photo). I had watched the sunset everyday on my trip to LA and now I was here at the end of the US, the most West I could be, watching the sunset feet in the sand, hair blowing in the wind, camera in hand- I was happy.

7. Lianne invited me to hang out one night so I popped over after work. Since the first day I moved here I had always heard about Koreatown karaoke- that it was insane and fun. I super <3 karaoke but first we went to a speakeasy with a secret password to get in. It was soo dark you hit things until your eyes adjusted. I met new people and had a blast. Afterwards we went to Brass Monkey to sing and it was a HOT MESS in the best way imaginable. You can really do pretty much anything here.

8. Throughout the summer the Hollywood Forever Cemetery shows movie against one of the mosalium walls. Pam and I tried planning to go but I always seemed to be working. When Dirty Dancing came on the roster I specifically begged my manager for the day off. It was so fun the crowd all huddled together under the 5 visible LA stars. It's so fun to experience a movie with hundreds of people like a premier night for a super hero movie but here were fans of a good love story. At one point a shooting star flew right over the wall and I made a very sincere wish about my future...it was an amazing experience. The graves were really bizarre but that night made me believe in love for a moment again.

9. My job at the store was always meant to be a temporary thing. The hours are so random that it never allowed me time to really audition and live a "normal" life. How I came to get my new job is an epic story in and of itself but when I got a call from the Director of the counseling center I knew it had the potential to give me a better life here. I was in my car when I heard the official "I would like to offer you the position as the evening client coordinator etc etc" I bounced my feet and did a little dance. This job would allow me to audition during the day, it paid better, and it would be around people trying to help people not manipulate them...I was overjoyed.

10. My Buddhist practice was the backbone of my survival throughout the year and my best friend when there was no one else to confide in. A few days after finding about my new job I was invited to a study lecture at a famous Jazz composers home. A) the home is a mansion of sorts with art, plants, and treasure from around the world - not to mention an view of LA that takes your breath away. B) The meeting was about overcoming struggle and perseverance. I cried the entire time but in away that was so cathartic and healing. I had done it- I survived a year - I succeeded in living a life in one of the worlds hardest cities. When I chanted for the dead I was overcome with a feeling that my mother was proud of me but more importantly I was proud of myself. I was happy I live in Los Angeles!

This is what an East Coast girl living and loving Los Angeles looks like!

The day I left for LA

A huge part of me feels like it was just yesterday that I left. I remember Pat helping me pack up my car and asking "Are you sure this is all going to fit?" my response "No...just keep shoving it all in." I had drawn a little map about how I imagined everything would fit in the car and that worked up until a point and then it was just pile it in... pile it on top of that.... and then shove this behind that pile. Some things were removable like my backpack and the container with the food I packed. One point I attempted to get some makeup out of a bag and all this stuff came piling out, one word, Jenga. I remember having a chanting session with my lovely Chicopee district SGI and crying the whole time just sincerely chanting for protection and strength. I was so scared because it was something I had wanted for so long with every fiber of my being. I think saying goodbye to my father was the hardest part of that morning. It's weird because that day is blending with the the last time I went home and left in my memory those days "feel" the same. I was so unbelievably tired on my drive to PA because I was just overwhelmed physically and emotionally. At 3 hours in I remembering panicking thinking "turn around you can't do this, you're insane." Luckily the passion in myself that wants to be a film actress won out. It was the one and only time on the trip I considered going back. I look a small nap at a McDonalds, the only nap I was ever able to take in my car on that trip even though I tried numerous times. On my final hour to N's I saw this weird light that looked like a UFO or something as I passed I realized it was the Amish! Of course the highlight was being able to stop and spend the weekend with Nicole and Chris. Sort of re-adapt and adjust being "gone" but not "gone" yet. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did turn around where and what would I be doing now??? I am so happy I was strong enough to have not turned around because I am happy, even with all the challenges, to be here today in my room with the beautiful Cali sunshine ~S~

Getting Smarter With Time

Have you ever looked back at a conversations that was written, emailed, video documented in some way several years after the fact with completely new understanding? First off you have to be crazy like me and have kept notes from middle school, old emails from crushes, or have a book of favorite text messages ( I use to have one lol my Mom split a jug of water on it then tried to save it by blotting out each page- at the time I was devastated but am glad that it no longer exists). Maybe 5 or so years later you can almost see the sub text of it because you are a little removed now. I recently read an entire friendship's worth of correspondence and it was like now I can truly see the nature of that friendship that I just could not see when I was living it. Of course as time goes on we learn things but we also repeat many of the same mistakes. What is the driving force behind changing that for yourself....that is the current philosophical question I am pondering.  What makes me at 25 smarter then me at 22 and what will me at 27 have learned?? I think the solution lies somewhere in making sure you work on your self in a reflective way and follow your passions. We have the power to make better choices once we become aware. The last year I kicked some really bad habits and I "have to admit it's getting better getting better all the time" I also believe there is a Beatles lyric for everything.....
PS I know smarter is not a "real" word but becoming more smart with time just did not seem like a good title no matter how correct it is 

The Good Ol Days of Facebook

First off I have barely ever in the history of fb deleted friends or messages. I literally had messages from the beginning of fb time 2005 from "my" football player, guys telling me how hott I was cheerleading lol, about how to get my keys to move in the first day of cheer camp. Then the Umass emails scheduling scene rehearsals, messages about papers, and group projects. Then condolence messages and I hope you wells. Of course all my party invites were scattered thought it all from bonfires, pool parties, and pvpa get togethers. I have one entire strand of a 2 year friendship in one insanely long message (revision they don't delete just archive that's BS unless you go into everyone and hit delete I never thought i'd say this but maybe I don't want my entire life achieved). Needless to say it was time to delete then there were the people. If I had even an inkling of desire to know about your life I kept you but seriously people from my freshman year of college I can't name one thing about- gone! It took 2 hours to delete 80 people and I gave up to be resumed another day.. my hand cramped! Fb get it together we want to delete stuff make it easier! I remember the good ol days when your school had to be on the list and in order to sign up you had to a valid school email that matched the list. Those were standards so you could post about you college parties, hookups, and mishaps. Now I shutter to think what some people can see if they go back far enough considering almost EVERYONE I know has fb yes even my grandfather. College is such a unique once in a life time experience that really should not be shared with the world. Now I love being able to see pictures and messages from my friends all over the world and my cousin Joan in Ireland it's great for that but timeline come on I don't want a digital record of my life in public I just don't. Right now I go from being born (to one parent Patty apparently I never linked my dad as my Dad?!? and Jennie Brown as my older sister) to the Basketball Hall of Fame in 2004 what?!?!??! I'm too much of a sentimentalist to delete the whole thing and start a new account but part of me really wants to it seems easier but there still is a cyber record of an account not that you can "see" but of course it exists you can never really delete something from the internet (note to self stop posting party pics) ~S~
 PS I watered this down and sent it to fb feedback

Memory Removal

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to completely erase someone from your mind? I'm talking complete no existence Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Style gone from your memory. As a tagline from the movie poster says: You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story. I use to think that everything teaches you something and that you should never wish to forget any part of your life because it makes who you are. Now i'm inclined to reconsider... maybe somethings just are to painful to recall. I don't mean that you can't overcome them but just that it would be easier if you didn't have to. If given the chance like in the movie would you remove someone from your memory???

Selfishness VS Survival

This is what most people think. I think: what can I do to get my needs met?

I would like to pose a a question: when one is in survival mode are you really being selfish or just doing what is necessary to survive? I like many women have spent a good chunk of my time taking care of others and not always myself. I spent an entire year dedicating all my energy to a little amazing girl as her teacher, friend, and advocate. She really loved me unconditionally in a way that was so pure and truthful. She never asked me to devote myself in that way just like kids don't ask parents to give up their wishes in order to get what they want, a trip to Disney vs a trip to Europe for instance. When I was driving to LA I had A LOT of time to think... when your alone in a car with just your thoughts for 8 hours you learn things. One thought that came to mind was that at some point I knew people would feel I left them. For me it was never a question of coming or not coming here it was just a matter of when, I had decided that when I was 16. I haven't been the best supporter of friends since I've been here I actually feel like maybe I have cut people off. I didn't intend any malice but it's just that I only have so much energy and I need to devote that to succeeding and living here. Since everyday is a constant battle to come out the other side alive and well it leaves no time to focus on anything petty. Yes that is a selfish statement but it also is somewhat about self preservation.
S Size Up The Situation (surroundings, physical condition, equipment, & supplies)
U  Use All Your Sensuous, undue haste makes waste
R  Remember Where You Are
V Vanquish Your Fear and Panic
I   Improvise 
V  Value Living
A  Act Like The Natives
L  Live By Your Wits, But For Now, Learn Basic Skills
I am a humanitarian through and through last month I joined a group solely dedicated to being of service to others so I am in no way advocating egocentricity. However I do believe your 20's is about finding out who you are and what is your purpose on this planet. I believe and have always believed that my purpose is to inspire and engage others through my acting. Whenever someone said "oh don't you want a backup plan?" or "do you know most actors are penniless?" it never swayed me in the least. Sure in 10 years from now I may have changed my mind about the whole thing but for now there is nothing that could persuade me to stop trying to be a film actress. I knew the price would come with many sacrifices- missing holidays, major life events, and even the everyday small things amongst close friends. I am trying to find a balance between selfishness and survival and I'm chanting to find that equilibrium.

In 2025 I'll Be...

Today my curious thought while brushing my teeth was where will I be in 2025 and what will I be doing? Why 2025 you ask?? Well that is the estimated year I will have re paid my student loan on a happier note i'll be 38 and be well established in my adulthood. I just finished watching the Masterpiece theater 4 part mini series Any Human Heart which is a book written by an author about a fake author via "his diaries." The Book/Film cover this whole man's life and they really hammer in the continuity and themes ones goes through throughout their life. So I allowed myself a temporary lapse in only focusing on the present to hypothesize about what my future existence will be like in 13 years. I will be an actress hopefully in features but also doing side indie projects where I can act my own script or direct/act like Zach Braft. I hope to have a partner someone who is sharing my life equally and always going on adventures with me. By 2025 I hope I have been to Alaska, Hawaii, Greece, Australia, Germany, and Japan and had my travel journals published into a book. I will have one love song, novel, and poem dedicated to me. I will have the kinds of friends who have been there for me almost 4 decades of my life and remember all the fights and the good times. My family will be even larger because I'm sure by that time all my girls cousins will have several kids. I will be living in one the beach towns out here so I can see the ocean every morning and fall asleep to crashing waves every night. Maybe I'll even be pregnant with one adopted child and a set of twins of my own. My home will be filled with pictures and treasures I have collected from around the world. My bed will have a frame and not be on the floor along with a closet that will contain all of my shoes. I will have inspired people to follow their dream and have entertained them in the process. I would have contributed to society in away that is beneficial and helpful to future generations. I will have lived my days truthfully and gratefully full of appreciation and wonder...sounds good to me 2025 here I come ~S~

Top Ten Things To Remember If I'm Ever A Bride

So you know that saying always a bridesmaid never a bride my life is slowly becoming that cliche. Now don't get me wrong I have been honored to be a bridesmaid in every wedding I have been in. I have also learned a few things along the way. This is no way meant to be about anyone just my general feelings. Everyone swears they will remember these things but somehow it tends to get lost in the hussle, bussle, and headaches of planning a wedding.

1. I will NOT be a bridezilla (Definition: a bride-to-be who focuses so much on the event that she becomes difficult and obnoxious) just take a deep breath and relax it will be okay
2. Just because you've been programmed since birth that this is "your special day" where you get to be "a princess" and you get whatever you want does not make it reality- that is not life... ever... not even for one day... no matter how special the day is 
3. Marriage- A-a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other  B- the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. One of these sounds a lot better then the other doesn't it???
4. It's a wedding not a capitalist investment- in 10 years no will remember your center pieces probably not even you, or the name cards, save the money for important things or DIY
5. Love does not need to be proven with rings and a white dress it should be shown everyday through the commitment and actions of the partnership not just pledged one day out loud for your nearest and dearest 
6. Your guests are there to celebrate with you- shouldn't they be allowed to have some fun at your wedding too? bringing someone they care about, drinking, and light atmosphere are mandatory for guest pleasure let them have it they've spent a shitload of money on this night too
7. No one likes being in matching dresses and having to pay their hard earned money on something they will never wear again-seriously why are matching dresses still around???  
8. The whole event will fly by take time out to enjoy it be with the person you love and cherish it because tomorrow will just be another day- this day is special. Granted you will be Mrs so and so...that kinda makes the day after a little special too
9. Not everything will go exactly according to plan it is humanly impossible to control every minute detail so live in the moment... besides if you fall into the cake it will be a great story to tell the grandkids or submit to America's Funniest Home Videos
10. LOVE- Love is why you are doing this whole thing anyway. Make sure you are 110% sure and ready, that this is what you want, and you could not imagine life in any other way then this one- that this is the one person you want to share your life with every morning, every night, every sickness, and every moment.