What a Birthday means to a Motherless Daughter

           I'm 2 weeks away from my 28th birthday and I feel ancient. I know in reality i'm still quite young and there are so many more life lessons I have yet to experience. But to a motherless daughter a birthday is a countdown- my mother died at 48 which means as of the 23rd I have 20 years left to live. Yes, we understand it's not realistic, highly improbable in fact,  that one would die the exact year as their mother but yet it feels as if are birth date just marks us one year closer to our death date. In a twist of bonded fate my mother's birthday and mine are a week apart. Both born In January, both aquarius, and we both had the same eye glass prescription but in reverse. I have the same snaggle tooth she had and a similar passion for working with kids with special needs.
      
             My first birthday without her was suppose to kick off my golden year. You take the day you were born and that year is suppose to be the most magical, in my case 23. It was the first year of my life without her and arguably the most difficult in my life. I threw an elaborate pin up themed birthday in an attempt to distract myself from the pain the next January. I told every one they weren't allowed to say I was turning 24 that I wanted to stay 23 for one more year and get a second chance at my golden year. I was adamant and insisted at every turn I was indeed 23 and not getting older. It wasn't until the party when I was surrounded my ALL my best friends with big band music from the 50's playing did I finally admit it was time to turn 24. An entire dream and vision came true before my eyes but it didn't fill the gaping hole that was in my heart.
     

            This year marks my 5th birthday without her. It's been a year with lots of 5 years anniversaries and by the grace of the universe I have survived them all. There was so much love and support around me I couldn't be sad even if I wanted to. I know the same will be true the night I actually turn 28 but the 2 weeks leading up to will go completely unmarked except to myself. No one around me feels the ticking of what feels like a death alarm marking my seconds. No one will look at me and for a second see how scared I am, I guess this is my way of showing it.  The ones who do know are the ladies just like me who wouldn't need a blog to understand the impending doom because they feel it too. I take so much comfort in knowing there are women out there just like me. I'm told it changes as time goes on and the eventual passing of the age they were when they died feels like a small miracle. I've still got many years to go so we'll see.
    
             Most people see birthdays as the ultimate celebration of life. They see it as the day you came into this world with a whole life and journey ahead of you to live. When you loose a mother that seems to change and instead of life you see death. It's easy enough to say you just need to re frame the thought so the day becomes a celebration once again. For me it helps me put in perspective that even though I am so happy to be alive that I also want to appreciate the element of death that lives there as well. Life is precious and I want to honor that and hold that in the way I live my life each and every day, birthdays included.  I've been reflecting on this Seneca quote that says "The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity." I'm not wrapping this piece up with a last line zinger like I normally do. Just a reflection on Seneca and the importance of turning one year older.

"The Darkest Place" A Rap

So this is my most recent rap 2/19/14 I plan on posing older ones soon. It may seem a little depressive or morbid perhaps but its intent is to be a truthful expression of raw emotion.



It’s the darkest place I’ve been in since you left this earth
All of that madness has got me questioning my worth
Sometimes I begin to think it’s all to much to handle
That if I speak about what happened it will create a whole scandal

I’m struck that so many years later it could all still seem so strong
The trauma lives in your very essence till everything you ever know seems wrong
Trying to navigate the world when you can’t even tell which way is up and down
It all keeps spinning turning round and round

Even now my heart is beating so fast it’s like a hummingbird trapped In my chest
All I really want to do it lay my head down and let my body just rest
But my mind is running a million miles a minute
And I feel like I will loose it far surpassing my limit

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Im always trying to reach into the depths of my body and soul
To extract as much darkness as humanly possible
Because with my whole being I truly want to shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know how horrendous has been my plight

When all they choose to see is perseverance and fortitude
I’m trying to ignore their ignorance and not fight back with a bitchy attitude
But no one can ever really understand unless they’ve lived it themselves
So, I just stay caged stuck in my own little compartmentalized cells

There’s no such thing as simply “getting over it” like you think   
That comment is the one that really takes me to the brink
If you could only relate with empathy instead of useless commentary
Nothing you say can take away that cloudy day at the cemetery

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

How dare you claim that she feels of he feels more pain then the rest
Why was no one on my side I was left with this mass of stress
How can a daughter live in the world without her mother
Opinions from anyone and everyone it all began to smother

Lost, curled in a ball, body wrapped in a hand knit shawl
No one says a word they don’t want to make her bawl
Little did they know she had nothing left to feel
Just a vast expansive void and not enough time to heal

It’s taken 4 years and most of the darkness hasn’t gone away
So many times she’s tried, and hoped that this would be the day
To not forget the struggle but somehow make it more bearable
She’s left wondering at this point is she even repairable?

The darkest place is inside you
Better stand up and fight
Happiness has to be earned
That’s a life lesson were all gonna learn

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Motherless Daughters: Week Eight

      So I have been on the most amazing journey of coming to terms with how mother loss has effected me and how it will continue to do so in my future. Every thought, fear, feeling I've had about losing my Mom so young these woman have also had. I went from feeling like a weird leper that no one understand to a sisterhood of women who get me more then anyone else ever could. They don't have to just have sympathy because they lived it so they actually know. I'm not claiming to be "over it" or that i've "moved on" because now I know it doesn't work like that. There are major moments in a women's life when we just NEED our mothers end of story. Sometimes we are lucky enough to get mother substitutes but it will never compare to the moment you find out you're pregnant and you just want to pick up the phone and call your Mom.
     On my last week (some girls are still going) we talked about what was are greatest benefit what did we learn from the group etc. I already mentioned mine which was being with others who knew how I felt. The other aspect that was truly worth it was to see how mother loss effected everyone at these key major life moments. Even though i'm not getting married, thinking about if I want to have a kid, or having one right now it hasn't stopped me thinking about how the loss will effect all of those moments for me. It's impossible for the mind not to go there because since childhood we imagine those moments with our Mother in that lineage of female legacy. To not have her there means we have to re-imagine how those moments will be no longer the fantasy we once imagined but a colder harder truth.
    I saw through them how those life changing moments were being effected by the loss and the thoughts they shared were the thoughts I had when thinking about "how it will be." You might say there's no point in all this pre planning but it's impossible for someone who knows how transient life is not to go there we know how precious and how little of life we get. I wish I could share specific details of how much each of them have helped me but it's just too personal to share their stories with you (and totally a breech of confidentiality). Needless to say each of the woman have a deep place in my heart now and I will never forget their impact on me.
    Overall I allowed myself to go to that place that is super painful and raw. To talk about the things that no one else will ever let me talk about. Or if they do they can't even comprehend what it is actually like for me and no matter how much they want to help it's just "not the right thing" to say. I feel like a huge burden of suffering i've been carrying on her behalf is lifted basically because I've now accepted that this loss has a life long impact and it's never really goes away just eases. Before I felt like I had to put it behind and move on where now I am trying to incorporate it into my life without such a big dramatic to do. I miss her love, her support, her views on life, and the subtle way she would teach me life lessons. I want to thank my Aunt Sheila for giving me the funds to participate, Irene for leading this endeavor, and the lovely woman who made these past 8 weeks truly life changing. Words can't express how grateful I truly am- merci beacoup xoxox ~S~

Motherless Daughters Group: Week One

I found this really funny..I don't know why

        So I want to share a little about my experience without breaking the codes of confidentiality. First off I feel so excited, overjoyed, relieved to even be able to attend the meeting in the first place (thanks to a generous donation from the dead mommy fund). To be in a room with 7 other women who have all lost their mother before they turned 24 is really relieving. 7 people who understand exactly what I am feeling and who aren't trying to talk me out of those emotions. We are all at various stages of life from being the youngest single member (myself), to engaged, newly weds, soon to have kids, etc but all intertwined by this common thread- we don't have a living mother. Each story struck me- exact phrases I had uttered before coming out of the mouth of a stranger sitting across from me and piercing my heart. After years of no one else really "getting it" there are now 7 who do. There's a difference between empathy and sympathy that few probably realizing losing a parent  is one of those scenarios where empathy just doesn't cut it- sure it helps but it's just not the same. They are just as petrified about having kids as I am. They cried for months before their weddings. I don't even know these women yet, just their basic stories, but I already love them all- we're connected in a way that goes deeper. I'm excited for the next 3 weeks have in store. I'm a little apprehensive this will throw me deeper down the dark path i've been traveling but it's laced with a stronger element of hope for some type of closure. We've been promised pain but also laughter so emotional roller coaster here I come...I have one ticket to ride ~S~

The Rubix Cube of Life

          Today was a big day for me, this week was a big week for me....I turned 26. I've dreaded turning 26 since I was 22 and they changed all the health insurance laws so that by 26 you could no longer be on your parents health plans- I had nightmares about it for real. Then I was blessed enough to get a job where my benefits would start 3 months before I turned 26- I was beyond relieved. I also 26 as the age of "real adulthood" and whatever I conceived that to be. At 26 you're closer to 30 then 20 which in mind felt old. So about 2 weeks ago I asked Nicholas from the center for insight/information on the practice of a mindfulness which is a certain genre of meditation to ease stress in my case my impending birthday which was giving me mini panic attacks. This birthday in particular was making me deeply miss and think of my mother. The meditations made me realize that a birthday isn't just about the person who was born but also the mother who brought that child into the universe probably the closet human connection anyone can ever have.
        I have always believed that emotions can be processed better when you can identify the root of what is causing it. So here I was realizing why I was upset but then left wondering what to do about it. For me the answer is always chanting, I chanted she would give me a message in a dream. 2 nights later there was a bizarre dream but the main thing I remember was my Mom was going to be going somewhere without me and I was going to be left at this place alone. As I freaked out she said "It's okay you can do it alone." I woke up and all day those words resonated with me.

Fashion Alley

     On my actual birthday I was all over the place but I just took my time chanting, taking to my father and just getting my self together. Downtown was fun and total fashion madness. As I sifted through the glittering bejeweled everything I found some stuff that really fit my more eclectic sense of style. I miss judged the time and ending up rushing to work and by some miracle of the universe was only 7 minutes "late" which is still early (trust me on that one). As I turned the corner to my desk I saw a beautiful bouquet of pink roses and the room shouted "Happy Birthday." I was ecstatic it was a great moment. Then I realized my coworker hadn't left me anything and I did a whole little thing on hers... little did I know she hid a poster for me in the calender pages that I would find- she planned that to. Then Saman rapped for me my favorite line was "starting off with the original trauma the day you came outta your momma" it was precious and hilarious. Even Paul stayed after his shift to help me do some of the work I got backed up on being the center of birthday wishes. It was as good as being 2,500 miles away from everyone I love could be- I felt loved.

        Today was suppose to be the day I took off to "celebrate" my birthday and go to LACMA. However when I woke it was pouring and the idea of waiting for the bus in the rain then paying 15 bucks to not even see the outside stuff just seemed lackluster. I then proceeded to spend the day self reflecting and taking steps to really find a recourse to help with this reawakened grief. After calling Our House ( a local grief centered) they directed me to an additional recourse called "motherless daughters" that is specifically for girls who lost their mother before age 24= me. I had searched for such a group in MA back in 2009 with no success and now here before was exactly what I dreamed of. The individual counseling is a whopping 185 an hour! so i'm chanting for that to somehow manifest. The thing is unless it happened to you (losing a mother young) you have no idea what is it like you just don't know the pain. Either way just reading the blogs, stories, and annoyances women go through when other people who haven't lost a mother say "silly" stuff, I was relieved.
      It brought back this memory which I don't think I have shared until now I remember right after my mother died I had a major panic attack and the moment after that ended I thought "who is going to take me wedding dress shopping now, whose is going to help me raise good kids??" other women have that SAME feelings- I wasn't alone. I then did another mindfulness exercise and just tried to stop the intense gripping pain in my heart and the fact my lower back becomes like a solid rock when I start to acknowledge the pain. Afterwards I was off to a district Buddhist meeting. I can't pull anything from it particularly other then the theme was living as a lion hearted champion. Afterwards I was talking to Chantz and telling him the above written story he then proclaimed "Girl, you're like a rubix cube. You know ya just keep clicking those pieces into place, one by one heading towards that final cube." The was one of the best analogies someone has ever described me with... it fit. I felt like yes I am still working on myself and certainly on this motherless daughter thing. I am also working on becoming an adult women who is strong and fearless. I am 26 now and ready to walk into adulthood like a strong force of determination and openness.

How the Crane became my Symbol for Strength and Hope

So to understand this post you first need to know the back story, which I wrote and is on the webpage for my Mother's lending library http://www.collaborative.org/special-education/ccatt/pwc-library/about/pwc-logo. If you lived through it with me you know that I made hundreds of cranes in my darkest hours while essentially waiting for my mother's cancer to overtake the rest of her body. My new room mate Jess is into all things spiritual and mystical and even has a book about learning about and paying attention to the symbols of animals. I wrote a blog about your spirit animal a few months back http://shannontcassidy.blogspot.com/2012/05/your-spirit-animal.html. Recently though as I have been going through the holidays alone I have really been longing for something that reminds me to be strong. The crane has come to not really represent my Mother so much as it has to represent the strength and hope that came about during the time. I had to fight myself just to get up everyday and it seemed like it would never end. That is where the hope came in... I had hope that one day I would come to LA to follow my dreams and in that desire I found strength to move forward. When I get sad about being here alone I try to remember how this has always been what I wanted and that it would take great sacrifice. I used some of my bonus money to get this beautiful hand made crane necklace from designer Kimmie @ Lil' Black Cloud you can watch how she makes them at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kLAGyKHJPE. Isn't that aaaamazing?? It arrived last night and it was as fabulous as I anticipated. I intend to wear it often over the next few months at a constant reminder to stay strong and have hope, I know that's what my Mom would have wanted.

Breast Cancer: Awarness VS Profit

So in case you didn't know my Mother died of a rare form of breast cancer called triple negative breast cancer.  I am such a strong advocate for breast cancer awareness, finding a cure, and promoting women's health in general. What i'm not a fan of is the use of the cancer as commercial profit for companies. Like a Valentine's display or summer set up mid September hits and the Breast cancer stuff begins to appear like it's on some retail calender. Not only is it a continual reminder for me of the way she died ( I prefer to remember her as the strong amazing woman she was) I feel like it degrades the struggle that every women who has been afflicted with this disease went through or is currently going through. Many products have a 2% of the profit of this item goes to Breast Cancer Awareness........ really is there a foundation called "breast cancer awareness"? (update there's a website but it a vague statement regardless) If packaging says 2% goes to Susan G Komen for a Cure that mean something to me.. a real foundation that impacts the community and continually is fund raising to find a cure for breast cancer. Since I recently got a cash back credit card I have become very aware of how long it takes 2% to add up to anything remotely measurable. However the amount of profit for these mug companies still greatly outweighs any donation. Even my favorite brand of chips puts a pink label on for October. I do think there are some benefits..... maybe every time a women sees a breast cancer mug she'll remember to do a self examine. Maybe every time they use their pink pen at work they'll think of the struggles so many women have endured. Maybe one day a young girl or boy will see that display and ask "what's breast cancer?" then grow up to be the scientist who finds the cure... but for now make sure you really look at the product your buying this October and try to remember the awareness aspect of this upcoming month and not it's commercial value.


This chic agrees with me http://feministatsea.wordpress.com/2010/10/13/october-breast-cancer-fest/