What a Birthday means to a Motherless Daughter

           I'm 2 weeks away from my 28th birthday and I feel ancient. I know in reality i'm still quite young and there are so many more life lessons I have yet to experience. But to a motherless daughter a birthday is a countdown- my mother died at 48 which means as of the 23rd I have 20 years left to live. Yes, we understand it's not realistic, highly improbable in fact,  that one would die the exact year as their mother but yet it feels as if are birth date just marks us one year closer to our death date. In a twist of bonded fate my mother's birthday and mine are a week apart. Both born In January, both aquarius, and we both had the same eye glass prescription but in reverse. I have the same snaggle tooth she had and a similar passion for working with kids with special needs.
      
             My first birthday without her was suppose to kick off my golden year. You take the day you were born and that year is suppose to be the most magical, in my case 23. It was the first year of my life without her and arguably the most difficult in my life. I threw an elaborate pin up themed birthday in an attempt to distract myself from the pain the next January. I told every one they weren't allowed to say I was turning 24 that I wanted to stay 23 for one more year and get a second chance at my golden year. I was adamant and insisted at every turn I was indeed 23 and not getting older. It wasn't until the party when I was surrounded my ALL my best friends with big band music from the 50's playing did I finally admit it was time to turn 24. An entire dream and vision came true before my eyes but it didn't fill the gaping hole that was in my heart.
     

            This year marks my 5th birthday without her. It's been a year with lots of 5 years anniversaries and by the grace of the universe I have survived them all. There was so much love and support around me I couldn't be sad even if I wanted to. I know the same will be true the night I actually turn 28 but the 2 weeks leading up to will go completely unmarked except to myself. No one around me feels the ticking of what feels like a death alarm marking my seconds. No one will look at me and for a second see how scared I am, I guess this is my way of showing it.  The ones who do know are the ladies just like me who wouldn't need a blog to understand the impending doom because they feel it too. I take so much comfort in knowing there are women out there just like me. I'm told it changes as time goes on and the eventual passing of the age they were when they died feels like a small miracle. I've still got many years to go so we'll see.
    
             Most people see birthdays as the ultimate celebration of life. They see it as the day you came into this world with a whole life and journey ahead of you to live. When you loose a mother that seems to change and instead of life you see death. It's easy enough to say you just need to re frame the thought so the day becomes a celebration once again. For me it helps me put in perspective that even though I am so happy to be alive that I also want to appreciate the element of death that lives there as well. Life is precious and I want to honor that and hold that in the way I live my life each and every day, birthdays included.  I've been reflecting on this Seneca quote that says "The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity." I'm not wrapping this piece up with a last line zinger like I normally do. Just a reflection on Seneca and the importance of turning one year older.

My Ten Best

My French Cafe Ensemble

         I was joking around with my friend Maura that the way through my heart is by complements. I was..... let me re phrase that.... only half joking when I told my friend Maura that the way through my heart is by compliments.That conversation got me thinking- what are the best compliments i've ever received? So since that point when ever I got a really great one i've written them here and now I finally have 10 so bare with me while my less then subtle side shines through. I am an actress after all so I do tend to relish in attention :)

"your hat it reminds me of that prince song and your outfit looks like you've been at lunch at a 1950's Paris Cafe"

"I've never met Patty but I know her daughter very well and I feel like through Shannon I know Patty"

"your painting looks like a Van Gogh"

"You're always so well accessorized and have such a great smile and so kind. The highlight of my week is seeing you"

Vargas's Painting of Me

"She is like the Beyonce of SCCC she's got all the personality and all the pizazz she doesn't need anyone else"

"I love your blog it's so inspiring"

"I've been dreaming about how to paint those eyes all week"

"You look like you stepped right out of the pages of The Great Gatsby novel and into the modern world"

"Shannon has the most creative imagination"


In regards to my Joan Harris Halloween costume: "I LOVE you for this for so many reasons. P.s. your dress is actually better AND you look better haha" 

         In this crazy world we barely ever take the time to acknowledge one another and it's even rarer to have someone genuinely see you and give you a truly honest heartfelt compliment. I cherish these words because it helps me understand how the people I interact with see me. I feel honored that in my life there are people who are kind and sweet to me and not everyone has that. So here's a challenge when you are going about your day try and notice the people around you maybe their unique style, a work accomplishment, or something about them you've always adored and tell them. I'm sure it will make them happy and you can walk away knowing you made the world a little more beautiful that day. Go! Be Brave! Be Kind! Make Someone's Day!

Motherless Daughters: Week Eight

      So I have been on the most amazing journey of coming to terms with how mother loss has effected me and how it will continue to do so in my future. Every thought, fear, feeling I've had about losing my Mom so young these woman have also had. I went from feeling like a weird leper that no one understand to a sisterhood of women who get me more then anyone else ever could. They don't have to just have sympathy because they lived it so they actually know. I'm not claiming to be "over it" or that i've "moved on" because now I know it doesn't work like that. There are major moments in a women's life when we just NEED our mothers end of story. Sometimes we are lucky enough to get mother substitutes but it will never compare to the moment you find out you're pregnant and you just want to pick up the phone and call your Mom.
     On my last week (some girls are still going) we talked about what was are greatest benefit what did we learn from the group etc. I already mentioned mine which was being with others who knew how I felt. The other aspect that was truly worth it was to see how mother loss effected everyone at these key major life moments. Even though i'm not getting married, thinking about if I want to have a kid, or having one right now it hasn't stopped me thinking about how the loss will effect all of those moments for me. It's impossible for the mind not to go there because since childhood we imagine those moments with our Mother in that lineage of female legacy. To not have her there means we have to re-imagine how those moments will be no longer the fantasy we once imagined but a colder harder truth.
    I saw through them how those life changing moments were being effected by the loss and the thoughts they shared were the thoughts I had when thinking about "how it will be." You might say there's no point in all this pre planning but it's impossible for someone who knows how transient life is not to go there we know how precious and how little of life we get. I wish I could share specific details of how much each of them have helped me but it's just too personal to share their stories with you (and totally a breech of confidentiality). Needless to say each of the woman have a deep place in my heart now and I will never forget their impact on me.
    Overall I allowed myself to go to that place that is super painful and raw. To talk about the things that no one else will ever let me talk about. Or if they do they can't even comprehend what it is actually like for me and no matter how much they want to help it's just "not the right thing" to say. I feel like a huge burden of suffering i've been carrying on her behalf is lifted basically because I've now accepted that this loss has a life long impact and it's never really goes away just eases. Before I felt like I had to put it behind and move on where now I am trying to incorporate it into my life without such a big dramatic to do. I miss her love, her support, her views on life, and the subtle way she would teach me life lessons. I want to thank my Aunt Sheila for giving me the funds to participate, Irene for leading this endeavor, and the lovely woman who made these past 8 weeks truly life changing. Words can't express how grateful I truly am- merci beacoup xoxox ~S~

Motherless Daughters Group: Week One

I found this really funny..I don't know why

        So I want to share a little about my experience without breaking the codes of confidentiality. First off I feel so excited, overjoyed, relieved to even be able to attend the meeting in the first place (thanks to a generous donation from the dead mommy fund). To be in a room with 7 other women who have all lost their mother before they turned 24 is really relieving. 7 people who understand exactly what I am feeling and who aren't trying to talk me out of those emotions. We are all at various stages of life from being the youngest single member (myself), to engaged, newly weds, soon to have kids, etc but all intertwined by this common thread- we don't have a living mother. Each story struck me- exact phrases I had uttered before coming out of the mouth of a stranger sitting across from me and piercing my heart. After years of no one else really "getting it" there are now 7 who do. There's a difference between empathy and sympathy that few probably realizing losing a parent  is one of those scenarios where empathy just doesn't cut it- sure it helps but it's just not the same. They are just as petrified about having kids as I am. They cried for months before their weddings. I don't even know these women yet, just their basic stories, but I already love them all- we're connected in a way that goes deeper. I'm excited for the next 3 weeks have in store. I'm a little apprehensive this will throw me deeper down the dark path i've been traveling but it's laced with a stronger element of hope for some type of closure. We've been promised pain but also laughter so emotional roller coaster here I come...I have one ticket to ride ~S~

Sorta Syndrome

Sorta Syndrome- that moment in a potentially romantic relationship when both parties aren't really sure where they stand and neither will comment/commit so it becomes the epically ambiguous, sorta syndrome.

This week it has become abundantly clear that I continuously get in these sorta relationships ALL OF THE TIME. When straight up asking my high school crush if he ever liked me his ingenious response was "sorta" at this pivotal confessional moment years and years of "sorta moments" all came clicking into place.

        I think in our minds it is like the movies when two people meet they exchange some sexy glances, partake in some witty banter, and somewhere in their hearts they just "know." Not just in a "i'm physically attracted to you way" but in a solid way of "yes we both are equally into each other." I personally have never know if anyone likes me, ever.  I only get an answer if I initiate and do the asking. The response is NEVER "yes I am so into you let's do this." I'm not sure humans are even capable of being that open and honest! Here are a few examples of common sorta syndrome scenarios:

1) I do love you but.... basically I care about you I know we're great together but I don't want to be with you as a couple.

2) Were such good friends I don't want to mess up what we already have.

3) Deny Deny Deny- I am in complete denial about how I actually feel. I'm too scared/overwhelmed/excited (insert appropriate adjective here) to even consider dating you.

4) We're already great companions why do we have to label anything can't we just leave good enough alone?


       I think part of it comes from knowing what you want. What are you looking for in a future partner? What are you own goals and ambitions and can this person help you be the best person you can be to achieve that? I tend to have very strong opinions about what I want and don't so there are very few things I'm unsure about- the way men feel about me is probably the only one. I just want to shout from the top of my lungs "DO YOU LIKE ME ?!?!?!" My roommate informed me the lack of an answer is an answer. The entire book He's just not that into you is about this but is it that simple?
        For me there are always questions and I can get very in my head about what is happening. I doubt everything now because when I was younger I grossly romanticized and protected my self through false ideas. I learned that my interpretations of what were going on and what were actually going on were two totally different realities. Then I met someone and thought surely they are as connected to me as I to them- they weren't. After that I dated someone who was physically connected to me but still detached mentally. I was left wondering- is that all there is (insert musical notes here)?????
        Now I'm 26 having the exact same conversation I have had so many times before. When a person looks at you and says "sorta" does that actually mean "no" or just "i'm not sure"? Either way it does not mean "YES" I'm still trying to figure all this out but I do know I want a man to look at me and when asked "Do you want to date me?" there response would be an overwhelming "HELL YES!"I am not even sure such a thing exists but I do know I don't want to settle for a life stuck in sorta syndrome. I am awesome, strong, and I look really cute even without makeup. I, like every women, deserves someone who sees every aspect of their personality the good and the bad and loves them all. He thinks “All the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class included all the girls in the world except her, and they had all the usual human feelings and were very ordinary girls; while the other class -herself alone- had no weaknesses and was superior to all humanity.”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Or for a more modern twist: "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love Like I'm the only one who knows your heart Only girl in the world..."  RIHANNA - ONLY GIRL

See I'm the kind of girl who can quote Tolstoy and Rihanna and somehow make that work- i'm cool- who wouldn't want to say "HELL YES" to dating me ?!?! :)

Byakuren: Human Revolution Year 1

Byakuren  "The mission of the Byakuren is to be pioneering practitioners, to protect fellow members who embrace the Gohonzon, and to safeguard our community centers—the strongholds of kosen-rufu." —Daisaku Ikeda (This mean to help out my Buddhist organization (SGI) with a fighting happy spirit)

     On Easter day one year ago I made a commitment to become a Byakuren and get involved with supporting members and be less ego driven. I remember the day I got inducted so vividly. I was scared I literally knew no one there except the girls I was first introduced to in order to sign up, Shima and Ty. I had no clue was I getting myself into other then the time commitment aspect of it and the fact everyone continuously said "it will change your whole life state." I was down for change and making friends so I swallowed my hesitation and went. I was away from my family on a holiday something that was still very new for being in LA but it felt right being there. After being inducted I felt excited and ready to tackle the challenge. At first I started off really strong going to every meeting and helping out the first Sunday of every month at KRG (when we chant for world peace) and did some toban shifts (3 hour night shifts at the center). Then I entered into the hellish realm of working 7 days a week. For 3 months I wasn't able to do ANY ACTIVITIES it was hurting my heart, my soul, and my life mission.
     I chanted to have time to be able to do Byakuren activities on top of the regular meetings as well. At that beginning of the year I was also appointed as a vice leader. So it became beyond clear that I needed a different schedule to be able to go about participating in everything I wanted to do. I got that and have been able to do almost every single activity as a member, leader and byakuren over the past 2 months (winning). I steadfastly helped out at the last 3 KRG even though waking up at 7 am is my personal hell. I got to witness the transformation of my leader Ty from dedicated Byakuren on her transitional journey forward. I've got to spend time with amazing/inspiring Colleen who reminds me to chant for what I want NOW.
    Last week it was the induction ceremony for new girls who want to undertake the challenge/transformation. I told myself I was only going to see Ty graduate, I really wanted to be exploring Malibu (which I did after). However it was so inspiring to hear about other young women's victories and to video conference with other Byakuren groups on the west coast! It was epic to see Ty give her "goodbye" speech after 9 years and the new girls collect their shift supply goodies bag- I loved it all. I started to think how has doing this changed me? I don't see any major transformation in my life state or have some major experience for proof even thought I was happy, I felt a little disheartened. I was thankful for the new ones joining and hoping for their transformation even though I couldn't see me own.

2012 Byakuren Induction

     Later that night Shima posted 2 pictures of me that I had never seen before from the induction back in 2012. I was literally shocked I personally think I look like an entirely different person. 2012 me looks a little scared but hopeful - unsure but willing- and my general size. I immediately looked at the 3 pictures I took that day (before my camera died) and was blown away. 2013 me looks joyful, confident, content, and radiant (also a little tired but hey my back was thrown out- I wasn't aiming for perfection)... maybe something had changed. I was left with this feeling of the journey I can see the transformation physically but what was the real end result on the inside?

2013 Byakuren Induction with Ty my fearless leader :)

   Today my alarm went off at 7am the first Sunday of the month it was time for KRG at 8. It would be our first one without Ty and I was pinged with a bit of sadness. It took everything I had to physically get myself there a shot of soda, some nice perfume, a pump me up jam, but it still takes tremendous energy even when you know the great benefit it will have. When I got to the room there was only one other older Byakuren and the rest where new. Us "experienced" girls shared some knowledge about our duties and what it means to be Byakuren during these meetings. I spent the next 3 hours dedicating myself to helping the meeting be as inspiring to the members as possible. Towards the end I talked with Carrie (who had come later on) about the induction and how it had been a year for us.
    I mentioned how bizarre it was to be helping train these new girls and how we once knew nothing about how to support these meetings either. There are specific duties, jobs, and general things we do always with the members happiness in mind. I concurred with Diyva the best way to lead them was by example and guidance. Don't get me wrong it wasn't about "teaching" them what I know in an ego way it was about seeing how far I had come and what I could do help train the next generation. They just represented me a year ago in a symbolic way. I was in awe at how much we have grown. Carrie, Diyva, Collen and I were all inducted last year and I never even realized until Ty posted a group shot from the previous year. I didn't know any of them then- we are all right next to each other- perfect strangers who are now connected.

LA Northwest inductees 2011

   If I get nothing else out of doing Byakuren it would at least be that I got to learn and grow along the side of these amazing women. We generally do a 2 year term so I have one year left to go. I questioned did I transform enough in the past year can I undergo my human revolution in the 1 year I have left? I look back and see one solid year of working to be the best Bodhisattva of the earth I can be. 1 year of struggle and victory. 1 year of friendship and bonding. Whether it being wobbling in the courtyard, performing skits, helping members, polishing our own inner mirrors, or transforming our Karma we did one year and we can do so much in the year we have left!

Carrie, Colleen, Ty, Shannon, and Cammie at February KRG fighting with our lion hearted spirit!

The Rubix Cube of Life

          Today was a big day for me, this week was a big week for me....I turned 26. I've dreaded turning 26 since I was 22 and they changed all the health insurance laws so that by 26 you could no longer be on your parents health plans- I had nightmares about it for real. Then I was blessed enough to get a job where my benefits would start 3 months before I turned 26- I was beyond relieved. I also 26 as the age of "real adulthood" and whatever I conceived that to be. At 26 you're closer to 30 then 20 which in mind felt old. So about 2 weeks ago I asked Nicholas from the center for insight/information on the practice of a mindfulness which is a certain genre of meditation to ease stress in my case my impending birthday which was giving me mini panic attacks. This birthday in particular was making me deeply miss and think of my mother. The meditations made me realize that a birthday isn't just about the person who was born but also the mother who brought that child into the universe probably the closet human connection anyone can ever have.
        I have always believed that emotions can be processed better when you can identify the root of what is causing it. So here I was realizing why I was upset but then left wondering what to do about it. For me the answer is always chanting, I chanted she would give me a message in a dream. 2 nights later there was a bizarre dream but the main thing I remember was my Mom was going to be going somewhere without me and I was going to be left at this place alone. As I freaked out she said "It's okay you can do it alone." I woke up and all day those words resonated with me.

Fashion Alley

     On my actual birthday I was all over the place but I just took my time chanting, taking to my father and just getting my self together. Downtown was fun and total fashion madness. As I sifted through the glittering bejeweled everything I found some stuff that really fit my more eclectic sense of style. I miss judged the time and ending up rushing to work and by some miracle of the universe was only 7 minutes "late" which is still early (trust me on that one). As I turned the corner to my desk I saw a beautiful bouquet of pink roses and the room shouted "Happy Birthday." I was ecstatic it was a great moment. Then I realized my coworker hadn't left me anything and I did a whole little thing on hers... little did I know she hid a poster for me in the calender pages that I would find- she planned that to. Then Saman rapped for me my favorite line was "starting off with the original trauma the day you came outta your momma" it was precious and hilarious. Even Paul stayed after his shift to help me do some of the work I got backed up on being the center of birthday wishes. It was as good as being 2,500 miles away from everyone I love could be- I felt loved.

        Today was suppose to be the day I took off to "celebrate" my birthday and go to LACMA. However when I woke it was pouring and the idea of waiting for the bus in the rain then paying 15 bucks to not even see the outside stuff just seemed lackluster. I then proceeded to spend the day self reflecting and taking steps to really find a recourse to help with this reawakened grief. After calling Our House ( a local grief centered) they directed me to an additional recourse called "motherless daughters" that is specifically for girls who lost their mother before age 24= me. I had searched for such a group in MA back in 2009 with no success and now here before was exactly what I dreamed of. The individual counseling is a whopping 185 an hour! so i'm chanting for that to somehow manifest. The thing is unless it happened to you (losing a mother young) you have no idea what is it like you just don't know the pain. Either way just reading the blogs, stories, and annoyances women go through when other people who haven't lost a mother say "silly" stuff, I was relieved.
      It brought back this memory which I don't think I have shared until now I remember right after my mother died I had a major panic attack and the moment after that ended I thought "who is going to take me wedding dress shopping now, whose is going to help me raise good kids??" other women have that SAME feelings- I wasn't alone. I then did another mindfulness exercise and just tried to stop the intense gripping pain in my heart and the fact my lower back becomes like a solid rock when I start to acknowledge the pain. Afterwards I was off to a district Buddhist meeting. I can't pull anything from it particularly other then the theme was living as a lion hearted champion. Afterwards I was talking to Chantz and telling him the above written story he then proclaimed "Girl, you're like a rubix cube. You know ya just keep clicking those pieces into place, one by one heading towards that final cube." The was one of the best analogies someone has ever described me with... it fit. I felt like yes I am still working on myself and certainly on this motherless daughter thing. I am also working on becoming an adult women who is strong and fearless. I am 26 now and ready to walk into adulthood like a strong force of determination and openness.

How the Crane became my Symbol for Strength and Hope

So to understand this post you first need to know the back story, which I wrote and is on the webpage for my Mother's lending library http://www.collaborative.org/special-education/ccatt/pwc-library/about/pwc-logo. If you lived through it with me you know that I made hundreds of cranes in my darkest hours while essentially waiting for my mother's cancer to overtake the rest of her body. My new room mate Jess is into all things spiritual and mystical and even has a book about learning about and paying attention to the symbols of animals. I wrote a blog about your spirit animal a few months back http://shannontcassidy.blogspot.com/2012/05/your-spirit-animal.html. Recently though as I have been going through the holidays alone I have really been longing for something that reminds me to be strong. The crane has come to not really represent my Mother so much as it has to represent the strength and hope that came about during the time. I had to fight myself just to get up everyday and it seemed like it would never end. That is where the hope came in... I had hope that one day I would come to LA to follow my dreams and in that desire I found strength to move forward. When I get sad about being here alone I try to remember how this has always been what I wanted and that it would take great sacrifice. I used some of my bonus money to get this beautiful hand made crane necklace from designer Kimmie @ Lil' Black Cloud you can watch how she makes them at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kLAGyKHJPE. Isn't that aaaamazing?? It arrived last night and it was as fabulous as I anticipated. I intend to wear it often over the next few months at a constant reminder to stay strong and have hope, I know that's what my Mom would have wanted.

LA Year One: Top 10 Moments

Me officially on the West Coast!

So in honor of my one year living/surviving/kicking ass in LA I would like to mention my top 10 favorite moments (in chronological order)

1. My friend Dan moved out here to SD 2 years ago and he was going to be in town 2 weeks after I had been in LA. When he asked "Do you want to go to a vegetarian place?" I nearly died I was so excited. It was in Dtown Culver City and I got a tap on my back as I turned and screamed while simultaneously throwing my arms around him. It was only 2 weeks in but it was so comforting to see someone so familiar and comforting. The food was awesome and I had lavender lemonade to drink :) By using my powers of subtle suggestion I eventually got Dan to "come up with the idea" of going to the Santa Monica Pier. It was just like I had always pictured it and my first view of the pacific ocean in real life. The pier is like a magic world of fun and chaos. The sun was shinning and the ocean breeze keeping me cool it was perfect.

2. Jennie was in town and we had run all over the city sightseeing. One tour guide was like you took  her up to Muhalland drive right? I hadn't -so we went right at sunset to this overlook which shows all of LA for miles (what you can see through the hazy pollution anyways). It's far enough away that all the lights look like twinkling stars. The sky becomes pink/purple/orange and it's amazing. If felt real being there with one of my east coast friends in LA like it was cementing my presence in the city.

3. It was New Years Eve and Jennie and I ventured over to Amy's house for a pre party. There was karaoke and shots. We went to hermosa pier to a New England themed bar. We arrived 10 minutes before midnight just in time to pee grab a drink and rejoice. I remember looking up and screaming that's a celtic banner before Amy screamed back "It's a Boston bar" lol maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the fact I acquired an awesome feather tiara thing and a rose from a drunk guy but it was pure fun.

Such a sucker for a feather head piece!

4. It was my Birthday and at the time had like 3 friends in all of LA Alex/Pam and Amy. She basically said she'd do whatever I wanted. After the Edison was closed for a private party we decided on a jazz bar and burlesque themed place. However on the way I heard the sounds of my favorite British phenomenon -THE BEATLES there were Asian men as this Beatles tribute band! Fate intervened and I found myself singing Beatles in a state of pure joy. At midnight this kid Michael I went up and sang the Beatle's Birthday song (it was his birthday too) I was on cloud 9 is was so awesome. My shoes ended up in the rain overnight but let's not get to into detail....

Posing like a true starlet!

5. Kerri boss's apartment was throwing an event to raise money for clean drinking water. It was hosted my Michael Welch (FROM TWILIGHT) and there was free booze. There was publicity and one of those promotion backdrops. An hour in I was drink explaining to Michal the poverty I saw in Jamaica and how he should come to cabo with us. At cabo I spent hours flirting with a guy who looked like Jason Schwartzman (it was not JS) drank a margarita I don't remember. The stumbled down Hollywood BLVD looking at the walk of fame stars and just being happy to be there..

 6. It was finally hot enough to go to the beach in a bathing suit although after going in the ocean a sweatshirt seemed necessary. It was sunny and  I was with a bunch of girls just chilling. Eventually they all left and I watched the sun set over the water it was my first LA beach sunset and I took like a gazillion pictures writing I <3 socal in the sand (see blog cover photo). I had watched the sunset everyday on my trip to LA and now I was here at the end of the US, the most West I could be, watching the sunset feet in the sand, hair blowing in the wind, camera in hand- I was happy.

7. Lianne invited me to hang out one night so I popped over after work. Since the first day I moved here I had always heard about Koreatown karaoke- that it was insane and fun. I super <3 karaoke but first we went to a speakeasy with a secret password to get in. It was soo dark you hit things until your eyes adjusted. I met new people and had a blast. Afterwards we went to Brass Monkey to sing and it was a HOT MESS in the best way imaginable. You can really do pretty much anything here.

8. Throughout the summer the Hollywood Forever Cemetery shows movie against one of the mosalium walls. Pam and I tried planning to go but I always seemed to be working. When Dirty Dancing came on the roster I specifically begged my manager for the day off. It was so fun the crowd all huddled together under the 5 visible LA stars. It's so fun to experience a movie with hundreds of people like a premier night for a super hero movie but here were fans of a good love story. At one point a shooting star flew right over the wall and I made a very sincere wish about my future...it was an amazing experience. The graves were really bizarre but that night made me believe in love for a moment again.

9. My job at the store was always meant to be a temporary thing. The hours are so random that it never allowed me time to really audition and live a "normal" life. How I came to get my new job is an epic story in and of itself but when I got a call from the Director of the counseling center I knew it had the potential to give me a better life here. I was in my car when I heard the official "I would like to offer you the position as the evening client coordinator etc etc" I bounced my feet and did a little dance. This job would allow me to audition during the day, it paid better, and it would be around people trying to help people not manipulate them...I was overjoyed.

10. My Buddhist practice was the backbone of my survival throughout the year and my best friend when there was no one else to confide in. A few days after finding about my new job I was invited to a study lecture at a famous Jazz composers home. A) the home is a mansion of sorts with art, plants, and treasure from around the world - not to mention an view of LA that takes your breath away. B) The meeting was about overcoming struggle and perseverance. I cried the entire time but in away that was so cathartic and healing. I had done it- I survived a year - I succeeded in living a life in one of the worlds hardest cities. When I chanted for the dead I was overcome with a feeling that my mother was proud of me but more importantly I was proud of myself. I was happy I live in Los Angeles!

This is what an East Coast girl living and loving Los Angeles looks like!

The day I left for LA

A huge part of me feels like it was just yesterday that I left. I remember Pat helping me pack up my car and asking "Are you sure this is all going to fit?" my response "No...just keep shoving it all in." I had drawn a little map about how I imagined everything would fit in the car and that worked up until a point and then it was just pile it in... pile it on top of that.... and then shove this behind that pile. Some things were removable like my backpack and the container with the food I packed. One point I attempted to get some makeup out of a bag and all this stuff came piling out, one word, Jenga. I remember having a chanting session with my lovely Chicopee district SGI and crying the whole time just sincerely chanting for protection and strength. I was so scared because it was something I had wanted for so long with every fiber of my being. I think saying goodbye to my father was the hardest part of that morning. It's weird because that day is blending with the the last time I went home and left in my memory those days "feel" the same. I was so unbelievably tired on my drive to PA because I was just overwhelmed physically and emotionally. At 3 hours in I remembering panicking thinking "turn around you can't do this, you're insane." Luckily the passion in myself that wants to be a film actress won out. It was the one and only time on the trip I considered going back. I look a small nap at a McDonalds, the only nap I was ever able to take in my car on that trip even though I tried numerous times. On my final hour to N's I saw this weird light that looked like a UFO or something as I passed I realized it was the Amish! Of course the highlight was being able to stop and spend the weekend with Nicole and Chris. Sort of re-adapt and adjust being "gone" but not "gone" yet. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did turn around where and what would I be doing now??? I am so happy I was strong enough to have not turned around because I am happy, even with all the challenges, to be here today in my room with the beautiful Cali sunshine ~S~

Getting Smarter With Time

Have you ever looked back at a conversations that was written, emailed, video documented in some way several years after the fact with completely new understanding? First off you have to be crazy like me and have kept notes from middle school, old emails from crushes, or have a book of favorite text messages ( I use to have one lol my Mom split a jug of water on it then tried to save it by blotting out each page- at the time I was devastated but am glad that it no longer exists). Maybe 5 or so years later you can almost see the sub text of it because you are a little removed now. I recently read an entire friendship's worth of correspondence and it was like now I can truly see the nature of that friendship that I just could not see when I was living it. Of course as time goes on we learn things but we also repeat many of the same mistakes. What is the driving force behind changing that for yourself....that is the current philosophical question I am pondering.  What makes me at 25 smarter then me at 22 and what will me at 27 have learned?? I think the solution lies somewhere in making sure you work on your self in a reflective way and follow your passions. We have the power to make better choices once we become aware. The last year I kicked some really bad habits and I "have to admit it's getting better getting better all the time" I also believe there is a Beatles lyric for everything.....
PS I know smarter is not a "real" word but becoming more smart with time just did not seem like a good title no matter how correct it is 

An Emotional Nutcase

I am an emotional nutcase- I do not claim to not be I am fully admitting that I have no control over my emotions what so ever. At the moment when most people can breath and hold back tears I can't I just cry hysterically in the middle of my work...often. It's the same with happiness I am never just content but usually blissfully exhilarated. To me a minor offense is the end of the world and a small token of friendship a cherished item. There seems to be no middle ground when it comes to my feelings. You may wonder isn't this something you can work to control?!? Well I believe the answer is no or maybe. See I need to be emotional to be an actress if I can't cry on command what good am I? Well I can cry on command and laugh and convey all the entire spectrum of emotions because I am an actress and am in touch with my feeling and have no regrets at how I feel because it's my truth. Now doesn't that lead me into making a ridiculous spectacle of myself on occasion- it sure does- but I would rather a million times over know and be able to say how I feel then repress them for even a second. Because honestly what's the point of life without a little passion??? ~S~

Memory Removal

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to completely erase someone from your mind? I'm talking complete no existence Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind Style gone from your memory. As a tagline from the movie poster says: You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story. I use to think that everything teaches you something and that you should never wish to forget any part of your life because it makes who you are. Now i'm inclined to reconsider... maybe somethings just are to painful to recall. I don't mean that you can't overcome them but just that it would be easier if you didn't have to. If given the chance like in the movie would you remove someone from your memory???

Your Spirit Animal

There was this one day in 4th grade when we had Native Americans come into our class and do a presentation about their culture and traditions.The man said "I love the sound of the rain I would rather listen to falling rain then music any day." I was shocked I thought 'I love the sound of rain too' and no adult had ever said something like that to me before. At one point we all went around the circle and picked an Indian name. When it came to me for whatever reason I was stuck he suggested "Sea Otter" which I joyfully agreed to. Between my new name and the rain comment I was enamored with what they were saying. From that day on the Sea Otter always kind of stuck with me. While other kids picked lions or elephants when it came to projects I picked the Sea Otter -River Otters didn't appeal to me half as much. In 6th grade we had one such project on the classification of any animal. I learned that sea otters are one of the only creatures that can eat sea urchins they get one from the ocean bottom then resurface lie on their backs and use a rock to hammer open the urchin = genius. I also love the way they play. They twist, turn, chase, flip and I spent many a summer imitating them when no one was looking in my pool. One site describes the otter spirit animal as "strong family bonds, adaptability, maternal instincts, playfulness, and being good natured. Otters are monogamous creatures who mate for life. although it is the female who raises the offspring almost completely alone. Otters frolic in the water and play, but they are also skillful hunters." I started thinking about my love for otters after watching this video the other day

How precious is that? First off these are River Otters but they are still amazing- look how the play and interact with the baby- they are sooooo smart! At a zoo once I connected with this spider monkey and when I put my hand up to the glass it did too matching right up with mine- it was insane! Kristen Bell recently shared her experience when her boyfriend brought a sloth to their house for her birthday and she really flips if you haven't checked it out it's worth a watch http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2012/01/kristen_bells_sloth_meltdown_0131.php I feel like I would react the exact the same way if for some reason I could interact with a sea otter. Swimming with dolphins was the closest I've got and it's such a surreal experience when your just so close to these amazing animals. 

So want to find out what animal you most embody the spirit of??? Take this test: http://www.jerismithready.com/quiz/ I got swan which looking at the description I think is pretty much me

You are a Swan! (your score: 28)

Characters: Tereus, Kalia in the Aspect of Crow trilogy
Powers: Foretelling future through dreams, dream-walking
Swans are idealistic, open-minded, and passionate. Your good nature often leads people to think they can take advantage of you, but they should be careful—beneath that serenity lies a fighting spirit. Your love is fierce and unconditional, fueled by the certainty that it should last forever.
Best matches: Wolves, Horses, Otters
Watch out for: Cougars, Foxes, Hawks

Have you ever had an interaction with an animal that just blew your mind???

Classic Hollywood in a Modern World

Maureen Aruther 1967

When people think of "Hollywood" certain iconic images come to mind. Of course the sign, the walk of fame, red carpets etc.. I also like to think of classic Hollywood where stars arrived to premieres in Rolls Royces and wore evening gloves al la Grace Kelly. There is a certain air of sophistication, elegance, and charm during that era. Over the holidays I had the pleasure of meeting this amazing women Maureen Rouben. Now she is very old but still has a smile and spark that will blow you away. I spent about an hour, which in the retail world is an eternity, talking to her about acting and life (I was smitten). She said literally the most mind blowing thing about acting and reality that I can't for the life of me even remember a part of now. It was like I was so engaged in the moment and intrigued by her stories I forgot all about all the Christmas chaos around me. When I got home I immediately googled her but came up blank. Last week she came in again with her assistant we chatted a bit more and she told me how concerned she is for the state of the world. It was interesting to me because it's not something that comes up often at work but I asked her what's on her mind so she told me. She almost had tears in her eyes at how she feels the world is going in such a dangerous direction. I also added her and the assistant to my Client book because we have to have clients (people who visit us at least twice) and they had shopped with me back in December (score for keeping my job). Now this part sounds creepy but I was doing it out of my general curiosity about her. When they go in your book you can then see basic information about someone like their address. This time when I went home I just typed her name and the area she lives in. I found numerous articles about her husbands death which also is turned mentioned her career. Like any true actress Maureen Rouben is her real name but not her "stage" name duh!!! it's Maureen Arthur. Well once I had that I could finally learn things about her career (thanks IMDB) like that until the 90's she was a steady working actress and singer most know for her role in How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying. Wow I was floored! Clearly from the moment I met her I was enchanted so I assumed she once was someone not to mention most 70 years olds aren't still shopping in my store with assistants. I find her to be completely inspiring she is so old (how can you say that nicely??!?!!?) but yet her feistyness and spirit are so young. She is an entertainer through and through and always ends up saying something that cracks me up. I thought about this classic hollywood starlet and how she fits into this modern world. Too old to work but still full of life, concerned about the affairs of the world even if she's so frail she can barley walk. This juxtaposition just bewilders me and I am truly in awe. I want to be that amazing and that engaging at 78 I want to have a smile that says i'm strong and mischievous and eyes that could tell a million stories. Today was the third time I saw her. I brought up that I had looked into her career, her face lit up, the hollywood smile came out, and she giggled. I saw the passion in her face the same look and feeling I have when I preform. For a minute I made her happy by bringing up her cherished past it was such an honest sincere moment. It may seem silly but I feel like she's impacted my life in some way I can't quite describe... maybe it's inspiration~S~

Signs from Above

There are two kinds of people... those who are inclined to believe in the unknown miracles, UFOs, angels etc and then of course there are those who do not. These are people who tend to be of a scientific persuasion where fact rules and faith is faulty. I am a Buddhist so I believe in reincarnation and the continuation of souls after they have left "our world." It has now been 2 years since my Mom died and I have never once questioned her continuing presence in my life. After she first passed I asked her to come to me in dreams. After one horrific one where she was diligently taking care of me as I lay dying of cancer I asked her to stop it was too painful to feel her in my dreams and wake to find her gone. My sister and I asked her to send us hearts almost immediately my tea formed a heart on the window of my car. Of course you can look into something to much but sometimes it is just to much of a coincidence. The period of time between November and March is filled with holidays and memories which is challenging but then comes a break until the big one Mother's Day. You may have not noticed but its rapidly coming up and my stressed self has developed my eye twitch again. Yesterday I felt like I was given a gift. I came back to my area in the store and a friend asked me to take over selling a Michelle watch ( they range from 500-2,000 but you need to have a specific knowledge of sizes and assembly to even sell them) I gladly agreed knowing this would be a good sale. After a while I was able to "create" her perfect watch and then to my even greater joy she decided to open a store credit card (we can get fired if we don't open any and I was reminded the day before I had none for this month). So yay big sale yay credit card app then as we began the long daunting process of enrolling I noticed her maiden name was Patricia Walsh. My heart stopped I turned flush.. how many Patricia Walshs are there in the country?? (google search update 1,124 to be exact only 61 Shannon Cassidys though) I blurted out "My Mother's name is Patricia Walsh too" she smiled "Oh, isn't that nice." Sure it could be a mere coincidence but really the odds are still very much in my favor it was a much needed sign from my Mom a little burst of a joy in an otherwise exhausting work week. I felt connected to her for a moment like I do when I watch the sun through the trees at her grave ( I can't wait to do that in 6 weeks) mostly because I get to take time to acknowledge her in my current life not just the Mom she was but the Mom she is the way she still supports and encourages me even in death.

Top Ten Things To Remember If I'm Ever A Bride

So you know that saying always a bridesmaid never a bride my life is slowly becoming that cliche. Now don't get me wrong I have been honored to be a bridesmaid in every wedding I have been in. I have also learned a few things along the way. This is no way meant to be about anyone just my general feelings. Everyone swears they will remember these things but somehow it tends to get lost in the hussle, bussle, and headaches of planning a wedding.

1. I will NOT be a bridezilla (Definition: a bride-to-be who focuses so much on the event that she becomes difficult and obnoxious) just take a deep breath and relax it will be okay
2. Just because you've been programmed since birth that this is "your special day" where you get to be "a princess" and you get whatever you want does not make it reality- that is not life... ever... not even for one day... no matter how special the day is 
3. Marriage- A-a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other  B- the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. One of these sounds a lot better then the other doesn't it???
4. It's a wedding not a capitalist investment- in 10 years no will remember your center pieces probably not even you, or the name cards, save the money for important things or DIY
5. Love does not need to be proven with rings and a white dress it should be shown everyday through the commitment and actions of the partnership not just pledged one day out loud for your nearest and dearest 
6. Your guests are there to celebrate with you- shouldn't they be allowed to have some fun at your wedding too? bringing someone they care about, drinking, and light atmosphere are mandatory for guest pleasure let them have it they've spent a shitload of money on this night too
7. No one likes being in matching dresses and having to pay their hard earned money on something they will never wear again-seriously why are matching dresses still around???  
8. The whole event will fly by take time out to enjoy it be with the person you love and cherish it because tomorrow will just be another day- this day is special. Granted you will be Mrs so and so...that kinda makes the day after a little special too
9. Not everything will go exactly according to plan it is humanly impossible to control every minute detail so live in the moment... besides if you fall into the cake it will be a great story to tell the grandkids or submit to America's Funniest Home Videos
10. LOVE- Love is why you are doing this whole thing anyway. Make sure you are 110% sure and ready, that this is what you want, and you could not imagine life in any other way then this one- that this is the one person you want to share your life with every morning, every night, every sickness, and every moment. 

 

J'ai le mal du pays

Home

I don't know what happened in the past 2 days but I became INSANELY homesick. I think part of it may be that now my housing situation here in LA could be ending and I may have to move.... it's hard to set up a life when you don't have a place to call home every night. They say home is where the heart is and my heart definitely wants to be here but it does miss family and friends. You wouldn't think a 3 hour time difference would make a difference but it does! I barley know what any of my friends are up in their daily lives and no one really knows what my life is like. There are 4 weddings I wish I could be at this summer Matt & Michael's, Liz &Dave, Sheila & Elton, and Lorri &Pat's. I think I will be only able to make Matt's I am a bridesmaid after all. I didn't realize how in 2 months I actually need to be home. I spent a good chunk of the day looking at flights and analyzing the best days to take off work and fly on. I hope one day I'll have enough money and freedom to be able to go back whenever my heart desires for any event or any whim. I started a mental bet with myself of who is going to give me the biggest hug you would be surprised how one can miss a true, strong, sincere hug. If you were around circa November 2009 you remember my strong disdain for fake not affectionate pity hugs. I am also convinced my "little" brother will be a full 6 feet by the time I return. I am so curious what things have changed and what has remained the same. 2 months really isn't that long it snuck up on me quite quickly actually. Now I am going in this week to get everything approved at work so I can book a ticket hopefully by next week I will have official dates!!! There a Buddhist quote that reads "Even if someone is close by, their heart may be distant. But if someone is far away, if there is a heart to heart bond they could not be closer. The heart is what counts. In the world of hearts there is no separation. ~S~

Memory Revival

The other day I had this curious thought... it came about from another random thought about this movie Final Cut Robin Williams is in where everyone's memories are recorded but in one scene a person who is still living watches a clip of someone whose dead and they remember the exact moment in time completely differently. So I wonder if I could see how other people remember moments that influenced me so strongly if we would see the same thing. I really think I see the world in away most people don't from a perspective most people don't understand. It's primarily a feeling based memory if I do anything that holds a memory I automatically think of the last time I had a memory with that thing. For instance it happens with clothing I put on a dress and automatically think "the last time I wore this dress I was doing X". The same things happens with restaurants "the last time I ate here I was with X" and so for and so on really any tangible thing I could have any attachment to. It's like my brain is programmed to revert to memories and not just put on the dress and go without a thought. If your reading my blog you know I have been working on putting the past behind and moving towards the future as well as breaking bad habits. I think this memory revival brain pattern is just like a habit one that I get some kind of reward from so therefore I repeat the behavior subconsciously. I haven't figured it out completely yet like I said it was a random idea from a random thought mostly brought on by this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIEwhtUNTck

Dingle 2009

Dingle 2003

I actually became familiar with the photographer Irina Werning's work when I first moved to LA. Me, being the sentimentalist I am, LOVED the idea of recreating a photo from your childhood. I tried to do this when I was in Ireland the last time after a few minutes my Mom got frustrated with me she said "Shannon you can't recreate the past, just take a new favorite picture." I was mad in the moment but she was right. I think now I wasted 10 minutes of time trying to recreate something when I should have been enjoying 10 minutes of new memories since those were some of our last days together. Does it do us any good if someone remembers something differently or is better to just relish in our own memory the way we believe it to be?

Reflections at the 6 Month Mark

It's official I have been in Los Angeles for 6 months now- which is half a year in the grander scheme of things. It is literally unbelievable to me. Sometimes I think I have done much and taken so many steps in being here. Some days I feel like I have done nothing considering how little I am doing in terms of anything artistic or worthwhile. I had a lot of ideas of what it would be like- I knew it would be hard but I'm finding it's harder in ways I didn't anticipate like the immense loneliness and lack of genuine human interaction being  the biggest deterrent. It's inspiring in a way that's hard to explain but every "typically hollywood" thing makes me ecstatic. Like being in the surroundings of something amazing makes you feel amazing too. Sometimes I wonder if people think about me like I think about them or have they forgotten me? What is life like when someone is no longer in it?When I first got here everyone the first 6 months is hell it's still hard after that but the first 6 are the worst. So cheers to surviving 6 and here's hoping for  6 more!