Today was a big day for me, this week was a big week for me....I turned 26. I've dreaded turning 26 since I was 22 and they changed all the health insurance laws so that by 26 you could no longer be on your parents health plans- I had nightmares about it for real. Then I was blessed enough to get a job where my benefits would start 3 months before I turned 26- I was beyond relieved. I also 26 as the age of "real adulthood" and whatever I conceived that to be. At 26 you're closer to 30 then 20 which in mind felt old. So about 2 weeks ago I asked Nicholas from the center for insight/information on the practice of a mindfulness which is a certain genre of meditation to ease stress in my case my impending birthday which was giving me mini panic attacks. This birthday in particular was making me deeply miss and think of my mother. The meditations made me realize that a birthday isn't just about the person who was born but also the mother who brought that child into the universe probably the closet human connection anyone can ever have.
I have always believed that emotions can be processed better when you can identify the root of what is causing it. So here I was realizing why I was upset but then left wondering what to do about it. For me the answer is always chanting, I chanted she would give me a message in a dream. 2 nights later there was a bizarre dream but the main thing I remember was my Mom was going to be going somewhere without me and I was going to be left at this place alone. As I freaked out she said "It's okay you can do it alone." I woke up and all day those words resonated with me.
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| Fashion Alley |
Today was suppose to be the day I took off to "celebrate" my birthday and go to LACMA. However when I woke it was pouring and the idea of waiting for the bus in the rain then paying 15 bucks to not even see the outside stuff just seemed lackluster. I then proceeded to spend the day self reflecting and taking steps to really find a recourse to help with this reawakened grief. After calling Our House ( a local grief centered) they directed me to an additional recourse called "motherless daughters" that is specifically for girls who lost their mother before age 24= me. I had searched for such a group in MA back in 2009 with no success and now here before was exactly what I dreamed of. The individual counseling is a whopping 185 an hour! so i'm chanting for that to somehow manifest. The thing is unless it happened to you (losing a mother young) you have no idea what is it like you just don't know the pain. Either way just reading the blogs, stories, and annoyances women go through when other people who haven't lost a mother say "silly" stuff, I was relieved.
It brought back this memory which I don't think I have shared until now I remember right after my mother died I had a major panic attack and the moment after that ended I thought "who is going to take me wedding dress shopping now, whose is going to help me raise good kids??" other women have that SAME feelings- I wasn't alone. I then did another mindfulness exercise and just tried to stop the intense gripping pain in my heart and the fact my lower back becomes like a solid rock when I start to acknowledge the pain. Afterwards I was off to a district Buddhist meeting. I can't pull anything from it particularly other then the theme was living as a lion hearted champion. Afterwards I was talking to Chantz and telling him the above written story he then proclaimed "Girl, you're like a rubix cube. You know ya just keep clicking those pieces into place, one by one heading towards that final cube." The was one of the best analogies someone has ever described me with... it fit. I felt like yes I am still working on myself and certainly on this motherless daughter thing. I am also working on becoming an adult women who is strong and fearless. I am 26 now and ready to walk into adulthood like a strong force of determination and openness.
