When a Romantic Becomes A Realist

          All night I've been thinking.With my headphones on running down Laurel listening to Florence and the Machine's Shake it Out I was thinking. My heart racing so fast and my bodies desire to run run run. The lyrics of the song streaming through my mind

"And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

 'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa"

My mind replaying all the times I wish I could have cut out my heart and just hit restart. Sure we can learn them sometimes it takes 5 tries just to learn the same damn lesson you didn't learn the first 4 times. Yes that's growing- but it's also pain.
        What do you want to say I kept asking myself???  I was thinking about how hard is to be a dreamer when the world just tries to make you conform. Just write it down I would tell myself from the one block to the next. But what is YOUR point I'd contour. I was running to think- I was running to escape- I was running so I felt the cool heavenly breeze stream across my face- I was running to feel free. I finally came back to the one word that's been nagging at me the past few months and was a straight up a nuisance to my psyche the past 5 years- HOPE.
        Most of the time hope is associated with beautiful things "the hope you'll get into a good school" or "the hope you'll have a good time at the party." But what happens when hope actually becomes the thing that holds you back?

       After reading the above paragraphs it shouldn't be too surprising that I do some of my best thinking while walking. 2 months back I was on a stroll with a friend discussing her wedding and my love life. First of all, I was struck by the juxtaposition of our two situations as I always am when around people who are committing to each other for eternity and how far from that I am. In regards to a particular situation she asked "Is it done now?" to which I replied " Yes, I mean it's not totally yet but I want it to be." In her most therapeutic (you can leave the Center but it never leaves you) voice she says "If you really want it to be over.... you have to kill the hope." "Whaaaaat?" I gasped laughing as I tried to process the concept. "I know it sounds harsh but as long as you have hope it will never be done." It wasn't like that at the precise moment in time it happened but it's always the seed of an idea that changes everything- doesn't it?
        She learned the idea from a book When Thing Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron and thanks to the power of the Internet I found the exact quote:
“Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what is going on, but that there is something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.” SO by holding on to the hope in the future this person will love me/will change/will awaken to their feelings or whatever therefore you are completely limiting yourself to the potential present experiences.
      From this point on this idea marinated, then sunk deep into my brain, the result being I have actively tried to kill all hope. Every time even a glimmer of hope happened I allowed the realist in me to crush it like a bug. I told a friend (again thanks to the power of the Internet I can quote myself directly) "I'm no longer a romantic time has made me a realist. Safety and security over grand gestures and epic moments of bliss." I meant it as much as a romantic who is trying to see her world for its realities could. I meant that with every fiber of my being I do not want to hope.
       For awhile it worked quite well. Sometimes it takes you a month to learn the lesson sometimes years. I started talking to someone amazing and every day I'd check in with myself are you being present? are you focusing on the here and now and not some imagined future? Every time I would daydream about us together specifically having him coming with me to my friends pre-mentioned wedding in Santa Barbara (possibly one of the most well known romantic weekends away in LA)  I would stop myself and think "is that a present reality- NO"and then I would do everything in my power to let it go. 
       Would I say I have mastered this life lesson? No not in a million years. A romantic will always under all the bullshit, all the broken hearts, and all the disappointments still be a romantic. However she can get up every day and try to not let her imagination run wild, to try and understand peoples actions are always more telling then their words, and to en-grain in her heart that if someone truly wants to be with you, all malarkey aside, they will. So when I ask myself when does a romantic become a realist....when she finally kills the hope.

Just for laughs

My Ten Best

My French Cafe Ensemble

         I was joking around with my friend Maura that the way through my heart is by complements. I was..... let me re phrase that.... only half joking when I told my friend Maura that the way through my heart is by compliments.That conversation got me thinking- what are the best compliments i've ever received? So since that point when ever I got a really great one i've written them here and now I finally have 10 so bare with me while my less then subtle side shines through. I am an actress after all so I do tend to relish in attention :)

"your hat it reminds me of that prince song and your outfit looks like you've been at lunch at a 1950's Paris Cafe"

"I've never met Patty but I know her daughter very well and I feel like through Shannon I know Patty"

"your painting looks like a Van Gogh"

"You're always so well accessorized and have such a great smile and so kind. The highlight of my week is seeing you"

Vargas's Painting of Me

"She is like the Beyonce of SCCC she's got all the personality and all the pizazz she doesn't need anyone else"

"I love your blog it's so inspiring"

"I've been dreaming about how to paint those eyes all week"

"You look like you stepped right out of the pages of The Great Gatsby novel and into the modern world"

"Shannon has the most creative imagination"


In regards to my Joan Harris Halloween costume: "I LOVE you for this for so many reasons. P.s. your dress is actually better AND you look better haha" 

         In this crazy world we barely ever take the time to acknowledge one another and it's even rarer to have someone genuinely see you and give you a truly honest heartfelt compliment. I cherish these words because it helps me understand how the people I interact with see me. I feel honored that in my life there are people who are kind and sweet to me and not everyone has that. So here's a challenge when you are going about your day try and notice the people around you maybe their unique style, a work accomplishment, or something about them you've always adored and tell them. I'm sure it will make them happy and you can walk away knowing you made the world a little more beautiful that day. Go! Be Brave! Be Kind! Make Someone's Day!

The Economics of Sex & Modern Relationships

        For anyone who reads my blog even casually you know I've been trying to wrap my head around some of the biggest "trends" I see in the dating world. I use my personal experience along with stories from others, mostly girls, the occasional input from men, and random thing I come across on the web. There was never anything that more succinctly stated the state of the modern relationship conundrum then this video.



                                                      The Economics of Sex:

         Of course there are some major flaws in this concept 1- They are only considering heterosexual relationships. 2- That all woman's ultimate goal is marriage. I think most people can agree there is a wide variety of other elements to consider but in this specific situation I found it to be alarmingly accurate. When the supply and demand aspects of economics is applied to relationships can we actually see where the contradiction lies?

        I was blown away by an extremely devastating event that happened to a friend recently in her relationship. After years of living with and recently purchasing a dog with her boyfriend he cheated on her with a mutual friend of theirs. The shock wasn't about their partnership working out but about how he conducted ending it- basically by not. To be the person "leading" further commitment and then also be the person to withdraw completely soon after seems absurd to me.

The Cowards Way Out:
Take responsibility for what you want and don't want and just say it. The truth may seem painful but deception is ALWAYS worse in the end. Especially if you have spent years with someone (this person has shared their life and journey with you) I think you owe it to them to treat them with courtesy and respect. Not owning your action and words is the cowards way out- you're better then that don't do it.

Playing the 1/2 in 1/2 Out Game:
To continue to lead someone on because you are not sure what you want is unfair. You can be bold and say "I'm confused about what i'm looking for right now can we take a break?" or "I need time to figure out my intentions and I don't want to hurt you in that process I need space." Instead we play the half in half out game. I will give you some attention and keep you hooked but I'm also going to push you away and remain disconnected. This is causing more grief to both parties then in necessary. If you need time to reflect take it the honorable way. 

Pigeon holing:
your my this -your my that- that individual is a whole person with a million facets to their being and personality. That's why humans are so beautiful because they are complex and amazing. To define someone in such a narrow way limits their potential and shouldn't we be trying to help everyone grown and learn as much as possible?

        What makes anybody think a girl will get out of bed at 12 am without makeup, without being dressed, get in a car and drive to a strangers house to meet for the first time and fuck? I don't doubt it happens because otherwise I wouldn't be getting asked this as often as I do.  That's not based on chemistry or connection or even lust it's basically a step below paid sex...... both people are essentially "paying for it" in different ways. Perhaps a moment of intimacy is one persons pay out and the other a moment of pleasure. I'm not judging it when 2 people consent to that but I'm curious what that does for everyone else.
       I'm thinking of the people who want to meet someone in person before deciding if they would sleep with them or not. The people who want to be seen for other aspects of their personality and not just their sexuality. The people who may want something more tangible and less fleeting. If men can get sex by doing essentially nothing other then asking why would they try harder? I don't blame them I blame us for being so swayed by the tiniest morale of affection.
       I don't hear from my girlfriends (i'm sure it happens with both sexes) "oh we went to the beach and we had a great time just talking and hanging out." I hear "We were going to go out and then I said i'm excited to meet you and then I never heard another word from him ever again" I am flabbergasted that a human can feel that it is okay to just disregard another person like that, like trash they no longer want. That the other human being is not even worth the common courtesy of a response. I get even more floured when PERSON A initiates the asking out PERSON B accepts and then PERSON A vanishes from the face of the earth. What happened there ?!?!? What are you thinking ?!?!? it leads me to believe they never even knew what they wanted in the first place.
     How can people find out what they do and don't want in a potential relationship??? GO ON A DATE! That is the whole point! That's why courting has been going on as long as it has people want to discover/find out what they are looking for in a partner. Getting into bed with someone only really tells you one thing: if there good in bed or not. Going on a date on the other hand tells you an abundance of information. Yes it's scary trust me everybody is nervous before a date but that's why practice takes off the pressure. 
     Now this is as far as my experience goes but the same thing occurs in these "committed" relationships I hear. PERSON A: i've been serious about considering marrying you I may have even bought a ring PERSON B: great i totally love you and would marry you PERSON A: Let's break up I think i'm going date this girl in a band I saw once and marry her instead. Whaaaaat? If you don't know what you want then you will only hurt others later on by misleading them with your wishy washy demeanor. You should only enter into something serious with 100% conviction. You made a choice that this is the decision you're making. Of course life happened and sure things change, that's fine, but be aware of it and be honest about it from jump and we'll have a lot let broken hearted confused people out there! 

Celebrity Deaths and Our Relationship to Loss

       

             I, like most people in my generation, was struck deeply when the news of Robin Williams death became public. Here is a man, a mere mortal, who become legend. There are few names that strike such a chord in the heart of many that can inflict such mass emotion when spoken. Especially when coupled with one word that has become so taboo in our society- suicide. In this post I am about to say some things that I know most people won't be able to understand or empathize with. It may also seem to discredit the pain in which many people are feeling with his passing. My intent is only to reflect on my own ideas and beliefs on death as a way to process the impact of his loss for myself and maybe others.

          Although nothing is proven at this point it's believed that Robin may have chosen to end his life. I think it's important to honor the darkness that lives in us all. Sure it is easy to look at a man of such character and recall all the times he inspired you, made you laugh, taught us something about life in the roles he played. That was half the man. The other more private side was open about sharing his challenges with cocaine and alcohol over the course of his life. He describes alcoholism as “It’s just literally being afraid. And you think, oh, [the alcohol] will ease the fear. And it doesn’t.” What was he afraid of? “Everything. It’s just a general all-round arggghhh. It’s fearfulness and anxiety.” That is a part of him as much as anything else.
            So what happens when one man, one human's passing, collectively sends the western world into a state of shock and sadness?  I think death, in general, makes people feel raw and unsafe a reminder of our ultimate demise- nobody wants that. We want to believe we will go on forever and the marker of our success is in job accomplishments, family, and things. I believe each day if a cause for celebration you have been given a gift and it should be honored not wasted. When you think of a death as only a tragic loss and that person should be cherished in remembrance in the deepest most heartfelt way you are minimizing a life to only one part of that's soul journey. I believe in reincarnation so to me one death is a chapter not the whole story.

           Where I start to ruminate on his passing I think of this idea of a mass scale loss versus one of a personal nature such as loosing someone very dear to you. When I went on facebook at about 4:40 my entire feed was news or commentary on his passing. People don't know how to "deal with" and process these feelings so they divulge and do so quickly in hopes of riding themselves of the pain or to somehow find meaning in it. I tried to wait and give myself time to actually look at how it made me feel. Leading to me, 5 hours later, pouring this all out onto a blog.
          As much as I tried to fight it I became angry. Robin was an inspiration to so many people but what about loosing a mother. Arguably a mother is the person most dear to you, the most influential in your life and upbringing (for some- I know this is not the case for all) , and the biggest lost I have ever known. The same can be applied for a father, or sibling, or grandparent anybody who raised you and truly influenced the person you are today- I mean them. The pain of loosing that person is unimaginable unless you've lived it. Why do people so strongly identify with a loss that is not "directly" connected to them? It's the same reason we have celebrities at all we identify with something they have that we want, need, or relate to. It's not really fair to compare the two kinds of loss because they're like apple and oranges under the same umbrella category of grief. I still couldn't help myself from thinking "wait till you loose someone you really love then you'll see." Ultimately that's selfish because who am I judge how much someone's loss effect another- I certainly should not.
            My friend Saman likened Robin to a wounded warrior "you see a man who smiles and laughs and jokes and carries a sadness with him all along, it hits a part of me where I imagine being taken by my art, because it is the only thing that temporarily makes me feel less suffering. For me he was a warrior in many ways, and said himself in many interviews, that he was fighting demons throughout all his acts." As I read more and more comments on facebook I see the different ways in which this man impacted people's lives. Or rather how they interpret one man's life/work/character and then subsequently how it effects their life. 
         Why do people need to do this I wonder? Is it because they have no real schema and experience of tragedy in their own life? My mother's death made me look at my feelings on religion, rebirth, and the afterworld in a way I never could have conceived simply because it wasn't just a thought anymore it was reality. I think about my own death more as a result and I know other motherless daughters do to.  When you haven't experienced a loss like that you don't know how it is. Robin's death, or any celebrity passing, hits a part of you that in unexplored. A unexamined fear that shakes how you are currently looking at the world. You do not think of death you only think of living. When you experience death in a real way when you see it with your own eyes the idea of living becomes symbolically attached to the idea of dying. People are so little use to examining death and what comes next. I think it's shocking to them when it comes up in their faces.

<--  Saman and I had an hour long discussion about Robin's passing which spurred this whole piece because I realized I had so much I longed to say about it. Everyone feels the need to share and vent about this but it doesn't connect us like we want. We feel more isolated by it then ever. We long for a collective feeling that unites us but so stuck in the ideas of the finality of death and the idea of loss we can not overcome it. I think an aspect to it is that we don't get to be there for the funeral and wish his loved ones a sincere "i'm so sorry for your loss" instead we only have the ability to share with one another our sadness.  In response to that Saman said "Yes, the ending of the self. Ceasing to exist. Robin now only exists in my psyche, in my heart. It is a humbling experience to realize that something you once thought was yours can no longer be touched or seen but only felt by the heart."
      For me there are no answers in death only more questions which i'm not afraid to take a cold long hard look at. There is a beauty in death in sense that there is peace and the beginning of some new unknown phase. A soul does not cease to exists because it no longer resides in a living human body.
Maya Angelou says “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Robin Williams was one hell of a story teller and every part of his story, his joy and his darkness, is one we should honor.  

Thanks for the laughs old chap!

 

 

5 Things I Will Not Do After 2 AM

        
        There's a popular episode of the hit show How I Met Your Mother entitled "Nothing Good Happens After 2 Am."   There is even a tumblr feed dedicated to the concept. Sure that seems like it makes perfectly reasonable sense. One thinks to themselves if i'm very late the more chances I can get myself into a bit of trouble. Sometimes we go looking for that trouble we know "we shouldn't" but we can't help ourselves. So in order to help you navigate the murky waters of 2am please read the following guidelines......

1. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS: If we are not friends the other 24 hours of the day we certainly aren't friends only at 2 am. I understand it can be lonely all by yourself in bed at night- get a dog- or a girlfriend. I will support a friend through a drunken night of chaos or a breakup. I will curl up next to a friend and cuddle if they need a shoulder to cry on. I would also do that all the time anytime for a friend. However if your ass is only lonely attempting to be my friend at 2 am you do not qualify- the end.

2. I WILL NOT GO TO YOUR HOUSE: Chances are I already have removed all my makeup, my day clothes, currently have my hair in a messy bun and have brushed my teeth. Unless you can guarantee something absolutely amazing out of this world (and no sex isn't usually a qualifier) I am not getting out of bed. Never mind the re-dressing and trying to look presentable now you want me to drive to you. In LA my first thought is always- and park where?!?!? There ain't parking spots in this city at 2 am your ass better just stay home.

3.THE AFTER PARTY IS NOT THAT GREAT:  I've been to a lot of really great parties in my day especially living in this city. There seems to be this dream that the exclusive few will go somewhere for the 5th round of partying magically match up with someone and find their way home in an air of bliss. This has never happened to me nor have I ever heard of it happening. Most of the time there's a few more cocktails or drugs to be had and then everyone is too tired or to fucked up to move. On the other hand if you go straight home you can still watch an episode of mad men before the sunrises.

 4. EVERYTHING IS CLOSED: There is a reason why everything but fast food places are closed at this hour. You should be home in bed! Fast food is the worst kind of "food" surely you will regret that double mac in the morning or if you're like someone very close to me you will find yourself waking up with toco meat squished into the side of your face. You won't remember  how good all those calories tasted and the grease will only add to the hangover. Try to say no to this one but yes I know it's particularly challenging after a night of madness.

5. I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU: If we did not spend the previous hours leading up to 2 am together this is not the hour for first contact. You are seemingly reducing someone to a booty call. If that is the pre established relationship by all means proceed. If this person is someone you actually may like or be interested be a good person. Do not treat them like a prostitute and ask properly in the morning like a gentlemen. I don't care how "horny" you are or how much "you want me" you should of thought of that before 2am.

I hope these tips will give you the strength to perverse against the desires that tempt you after 2am. In all fairness i'm writing this blog at 4 in the morning but i'm in my 20's I've still got some learning to do ;) 

The Buddha's Battle

       Back at the beginning of the year I made a determination to express myself creatively each day. At the time my intent was to jump start my acting career that had been on hold. However chanting has this amazing sneaky way of giving you other options that are so beyond your real of awareness. My new creative skill came out and surprised everyone as much as myself....I could rap. So as I started to share this information with people outside my inner circle I got lots of laughs but as soon as I rapped even a verse I could see there minds judgment change rather quickly.
       I began writing down lines almost everywhere at a stop light in LA traffic, riding the escalator into work, it seemed once the switch was turned out the flow just came pouring out! They range from partying, to my issues with the government, work, even about the more dark elements of my life I was astonished to say the least. So when Youth Month came about in the SGI I was asked to write a rap for it. Some of my pieces already had Buddhism infused language and I had been meaning to write a specifically Buddhist based rap so I put my mind to the task. About 5 hours over several days I wrote this:
The Buddha’s Battle
I’m trying to be the best kind of person I can be
A bright future is what I want to see
Just trying to figure out what I need
Never giving up this girl won’t concede

Where’s the line between need and want
Trying to understand the puzzle is starting to haunt
My mind, my dream, and everything between
I feel so swayed which way should I lean?

In this whole big city how can one stand out
Even the best would begin to doubt
If they had what it takes
To make a name for themselves

When the darkness overtakes the light
And it hurts to even put up a fight
That’s when you truly begin to see
Your own strength and the power of who you want to be

When it’s hard I remember I’ve got a buddha’s heart
And that’s it’s up to me to always do my part
When my mind whirls with all these questions
I chant to the gohonzen for some suggestions

CHORUS:  A buddha thinks with their heart and mind
                   To establish peace for all human kind
                   Fighting to do our human revolution
                   To change the world is our ultimate solution

We all want to effect Kosen rufu
But remember this undertaking starts with you
It just takes one person to stand up and create change
Don’t think small go big with your range

I know i’m reaching into depths of my heart and soul
to extract as much darkness as humanly possible
So I can shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know my horrendous plight

A true test of character isn’t the day you win
It’s about conquering the struggle and having the courage to begin
To live the fullest life you always imagined
To become your own hero and the stuff of legend

Because life isn’t a game of winners or losers
It’s made up of lovers forget the abusers
Ya gotta love one self before you can open it up
You can’t go any further till you fill up that cup

With positive energy and strong universal flow
Aiding your growth with nam myho renge kyo
You WERE meant for victory and don’t forget IT
Take a step towards the future now that’s the spirIT

CHORUS: A buddha thinks with their heart and mind
                  To establish peace for all human kind
                  Fighting to do our human revolution
                  To change the world is our ultimate solution

We are the bodisattvas of this earth
The ones who reach enlightenment and come back at birth
Ready for another life’s mission to complete
Thanking the universe for this chance to defeat

Generations of family karma and lessons to learn
To practice this buddhism gives you the chance to turn
All of that negativity into positive gain
And to know defeating those obstacles wasn’t in vain.

On March 16th Toda passed the torch to the youth
To create peace in this world and follow their truth
He encouraged all to fight for their own victory
And since that day it’s been part of SGI history

He shared his hopes and dreams with his disciples
And hoped they continue another cycle
Of bringing peace to this conflicted planet
To stop the wars, nuclear weapons and all the panic

In this day Ikeda asks us to illuminate all humanity
Through participating in an Sokka activity
The sutra says “seek the Buddha way”
So I’m asking you- can you start today?

I prepared to preform it all week by listening to the lyrics on my commute to work. Although I fell short of having it 100% memorized for the meeting it was still such an amazing joy to share one of my pieces in public. My goal is always to touch someones heart in any of my creative endeavors. So I think since I've preformed a rap I wrote in public that officially makes me a rapper! Stay tuned this is only the beginning......

"The Darkest Place" A Rap

So this is my most recent rap 2/19/14 I plan on posing older ones soon. It may seem a little depressive or morbid perhaps but its intent is to be a truthful expression of raw emotion.



It’s the darkest place I’ve been in since you left this earth
All of that madness has got me questioning my worth
Sometimes I begin to think it’s all to much to handle
That if I speak about what happened it will create a whole scandal

I’m struck that so many years later it could all still seem so strong
The trauma lives in your very essence till everything you ever know seems wrong
Trying to navigate the world when you can’t even tell which way is up and down
It all keeps spinning turning round and round

Even now my heart is beating so fast it’s like a hummingbird trapped In my chest
All I really want to do it lay my head down and let my body just rest
But my mind is running a million miles a minute
And I feel like I will loose it far surpassing my limit

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Im always trying to reach into the depths of my body and soul
To extract as much darkness as humanly possible
Because with my whole being I truly want to shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know how horrendous has been my plight

When all they choose to see is perseverance and fortitude
I’m trying to ignore their ignorance and not fight back with a bitchy attitude
But no one can ever really understand unless they’ve lived it themselves
So, I just stay caged stuck in my own little compartmentalized cells

There’s no such thing as simply “getting over it” like you think   
That comment is the one that really takes me to the brink
If you could only relate with empathy instead of useless commentary
Nothing you say can take away that cloudy day at the cemetery

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

How dare you claim that she feels of he feels more pain then the rest
Why was no one on my side I was left with this mass of stress
How can a daughter live in the world without her mother
Opinions from anyone and everyone it all began to smother

Lost, curled in a ball, body wrapped in a hand knit shawl
No one says a word they don’t want to make her bawl
Little did they know she had nothing left to feel
Just a vast expansive void and not enough time to heal

It’s taken 4 years and most of the darkness hasn’t gone away
So many times she’s tried, and hoped that this would be the day
To not forget the struggle but somehow make it more bearable
She’s left wondering at this point is she even repairable?

The darkest place is inside you
Better stand up and fight
Happiness has to be earned
That’s a life lesson were all gonna learn

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found