My Self Care Reminder- Keep Going, One Day at a Time

 *Trigger warning: this post shares personal reflections and thoughts around my struggles with SI. It may be distressing if you are actively suicidal or lost someone who was. It also touches on pill use and death of a loved one. It reflects my experience, knowledge working in the mental health field, and tips but should not be taken as medical advice. See this resources I created if you are struggling with SI and need help: SCIFE Mental Health Resource List

          I have struggled with mental health issues for as long as I can remember. At 7 I visited my first psychiatrist and therapist who I continued to see throughout my childhood and adolescence. Even at such a young age I was convinced I thought differently than others, something was wrong with me, and surely, I must be “broken.” A classic psyc 101 debate is what factor influences our personality most, is it nature or nurture? I felt, even at such a young age, that I was born different- more emotional, sensitive, and always “too much.” At 33 I now see how it’s both and my genetic makeup combined with how I was raised absolutely contributed to who I am today.

            This past January my body started to show me, in extreme ways, I was not okay and needed time to focus on my physical and mental health. One night, leaving work, I wasn’t able to put any pressure on my right leg without immense shooting pain. I cried as I walked from my building and wondered if I would be able to even drive myself home let alone reach the parking structure a ¼ mile away. I had sciatic nerve pain the previous year, but this felt much worse. I moved an inch at a time, and it took me over forty minutes to reach my car. A week later after an MRI and 3 doctor’s visits, I found out I had 3 herniated discs and two were compressing my sciatic nerve. I was given highly addictive pain meds until they could evaluate if I needed immediate back surgery. 

            At the same time, I was extremely isolated living alone in my tiny studio apartment. I was in too much pain to go anywhere even outside to feel the breeze or catch some sun. I had reactions to the medicine that made my already depressed thoughts much more intense. I knew (because every Dr and pharmacy rep had warned me) how dangerous it was to mix this medicine with alcohol, but I felt compelled to know how much it would take to have a deathly effect. I looked it up and knew what my out would be if I decided I couldn’t withstand the agony I was experiencing in my body and my mind any longer.

What lead up to this point? How did I get so far into a mindset that convinced me this was the only way? This wasn’t the first time I got to a suicidal thought process with intent to harm myself. It was the third time that I had actively become a danger to myself and this time it felt doubly as hard as the first two episodes. A few months before it was the tenth anniversary of my Mother’s death. Even though I spent the day doing ten things she loved and had friends by my side the feeling of loss was immense. It now has been nearly 1/3 of my life without my Mother. What would she think of my life in Los Angeles, that I worked at a film school but lived paycheck to paycheck? Would she be proud of me or think that I was making all the wrong choices in life?

At the same time, I was also working through a complicated relationship. I was very much in love with someone who didn’t share the same romantic feelings for me. We had an intimate lovely connection, but we were both on different pages for what we needed and wanted. The conflict in priorities was highly distressing to me. In addition, he struggled with a lack of attraction to my physical body. I myself struggled with positive body image and was anorexic for most of my teenage years. I have been battling an ongoing chronic illness that drastically changed my body and my ability to eat food without getting sick. It caused an extreme change in the size of my body and ability to eat healthy foods that exasperate the underlying condition. I felt betrayed by my body that was once strong enough to be a competitive Irish dancer, a cheerleader, and could walk up a flight of stairs with no issue. Having this new level of back pain on top of the existing ongoing stomach pain I felt that every day was truly unbearable being in this body.

People often say, “but there are people who love you and would miss you if you were gone.” I have an amazing amount of people who truly love me and supportive friends that anybody would be lucky to have but knowing you’re loved does not stop the pain. I was desperate for someone to save me. I wanted someone willing to check in on me often and to make sure that I didn’t take my own life. A handful of friends and my Aunt did their best to check in on me and be an open ear for listening, but it wasn’t enough.

I was entirely convinced that this life, as it was, was not worth living. My therapist would remind me there are still more things that I could try and to not give up hope that it could still get better. In my absolute darkness I would hold the pills in my hand and stare at them. My body would freeze, and I would be unable to move my arms to swallow the pills. I know this was the greatest act my body has ever done to protect me. 

Luckily, I have had a truly amazing therapist for the last 7 years. Not only is she familiar with my mental health history but she was trained in amazing methodologies like EMDR for trauma reprocessing, mindfulness, and family systems work. This was the second time she was my primary support through a suicidal episode. Together we created a safety plan where I had the address for the nearest hospital with a Psyc team programmed into my phone. I also put the National Suicide Prevention Hotline into my favorites and she would remind me I could call or text them 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I knew that when I was in extreme distress, I would not be able to find this crucial information. Having it accessible in my phone and under favorites helped me eliminate the mental obstacle it would be to find it during a crisis.

Even thought I had worked at a community mental health center for 5 years, had been in therapy since I was a child, and had a solid safety plan I still could get into a mindset where taking my life felt like the only option I had left to stop the pain. Eventually I got cortisone shots for my back, stopped the medication that was making me more depressed, and found a long-term mental health treatment program that was covered by my insurance. The thing I would tell myself is “just keep going, try to do one more day” and when I couldn’t think of the next day, I would try the next hour. When I couldn’t imagine surviving the next hour, I tried the next minute and each day was like this for 6 weeks until I started the program.

Once I got into the 8 hour a day treatment program, I was able to devote myself fully to the deep healing work. I had an amazing team of therapists who were teaching me skills like, grounding, communication, emotion regulation, and meditation. I was already very familiar with these topics but giving myself the time away from work, the pressures of life, and even friends helped me fully focus on healing. Before I went into treatment, I could not be alone for more then 24 hours safely. Ironically after my second week in treatment LA was put into the official COVID stay at home order.

I would now be home by myself, cut off from so many of my lifelines, and being doing an intensive treatment program. This was essentially my worst nightmare coming to life. All the benefits and connections I made the first two weeks were now going to be virtual. I worried if the safe healing energy I felt in person could translate over zoom.  What I was learning though is that I had to stop looking outside of myself for saving. I started to become grateful for my body in all the ways it was trying to protect me, how it was fighting my ongoing illness, and in reality, was not attacking me but working damn hard to keep me alive. 

Towards the end of my treatment my dear friend, and Co-Founder of Self Care is For Everyone, let me know of an amazing opportunity to work with the company’s artists and to help build an art community as their liaison. This role was an absolute dream come true. I could never have imagined a position that combined my love for art, mental health, and community building. It came at a time where I needed something that would bring my joy, was fun, and helped me think about a future beyond the next day or the next hour. 

Because I’ve been in such a dark place it’s easier for me to see when someone else is. Having had this life experience it has made me more empathetic that we all have daily struggles whether we show them to others or not. Sometimes we can’t reach out to someone we love dearly if we know they are in pain because we are in pain. Sometimes we only have so much to give and we only have enough for our survival, that is okay. It is okay to take the time you need to build your strength up again. It’s okay to put the rest of the world on hold so you can focus and do some healing work. It is okay not to know how you are going to make it through the next day, but you realize in your heart you want to.

People will often share signs that they are struggling with dark thoughts. Sometimes it feels like a scary thing to reach out to someone when you now they are in pain. One of my favorite things to ask is “Do you want help problem solving, just need to vent, or can I help validate your experience?” This allows the person in distress to tell you what they need at that point and the best way to help them. For instance, if you’re trying to help solve a problem when the person just needs to rant it can feel very dismissive. It’s really easy to want to jump in and help someone by “fixing it” but that might not be what they need. That’s what I thought I needed when in reality I need validation and to know my feelings mattered. When people are in pain, we often want to feel seen, listened to, and to know our feelings are valid.

              There’s a great organization, Be There, that shares tools and resources on how you can talk to a loved one if they’re struggling. They suggest the 5 Goldens Rules are a great place to start:

Rule # 1 - Say what you see

Rule # 2 - Show you care

Rule # 3 - Hear them out

Rule # 4 - Know your role

Rule # 5 - Connect to help

I think this is a great starting point to opening up a conversation when someone is displaying signs they are in a dark headspace.

I truly believe I would not be here today if it wasn’t for my therapist. I luckily had someone who I trusted implicitly and who truly had my best interests, well-being, and safety in mind. There are many great way to find a counselor in your area or virtually through telehealth on our website at SCIFE Mental Health Resource List . It’s important to remember that there are resources for every level of ideation. If you are in feeling in immediate danger of self harm going to the nearest hospital is the best solution. If you’ve been having some passing thoughts on SI it might be time to start seeing a weekly counselor.

Self Care is for Everyone has partnered up with 4 amazing organizations this month to bring awareness to suicide prevention Suicide Prevention Month Campaign. All proceeds from this collection will go to the charity the design represents. When I first saw the moto from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  I knew that this was the self-care reminder I needed. The one that helped me through my most challenging moments, keep going. When I look back at these past few months, I see how close I was to making an irreversible choice. I see the people who reminded me they cared even if I couldn’t always feel their love. Most importantly, I see the strength I had to continually remind myself to keep going- one day at a time. 

Bad Bitch Fail: Dating in LA

You know those moments when the life lesson you’ve been working on presents you with a test. Now, this may be the first time you’re being tested or the tenth. Some people never make a different choice but, on this night, I was presented with a situation and I waivered and the universe bitch slapped me real hard.

Some backstory: The last few dates I’ve gone have ranged from disappointing to failures. Last night I was going on a first date with someone I was really excited to meet. I was going to take the metro from work to SM. Now in these situations, I’m always clear, because public transportation is never a guarantee, 1 message saying I’m on the train 2^nd message with ETA. So, when I was 15 minutes from destination and hadn’t heard from my date I highly doubted he would be waiting at the station to get me. Eventually, he admits he’s not ready and will send a car for me. Long pauses, not very clear, me waiting. I wore a sundress expecting an early dinner the sun is going down and of course its colder at the beach than in the city. I’m also wearing fancy sandals that are horrible to walk in because I was expecting to be picked up.

I’m already low-key miserable because I’m hungry and chilly and waiting for a message back it's been about 25 minutes now. When a random man approaches me. “Look at you aren’t you beautiful” I smile but get up to move away. “MMm I can tell under that dress you have a nice body. Take off your glasses I bet those eyes are just as pretty” I shake my head and start walking away he yells after me “It doesn’t mean nothing. Show them to me baby.” Now I’m creeped out by this man and irritated because I left the nice little spot I was waiting at to get away from him.

I’m also chilly and the dude is not writing me. “If I don’t hear from you in 10 minutes I’m going to head home” he responds “I’m getting you a car.” What does he do though he gets a shared car from Uber where you have to walk to a random location. Now I don’t have the app since he’s ordering it and it wants me to go closer to the pier and the chaos than an easier spot to get someone like where I am, further away. I walk to it and to the surprise of no one I miss it. Imagine trying to get an Uber in the middle of Disney while you don’t have the phone but with a busy street in the middle. Dude doesn’t respond back. So, I head back to the station VERY over it.

Up until this point, this is just a “bad date” “no respect” kind of situation. Here is what is going on in my head. Bad bitches don’t wait this is mad disrespectful -leave. Soft me- you came all this way just wait a little longer you have no other plans he’s just into the chill surfer go with the flow vibe. Bad bitch- you don’t want a man who’s going to keep you waiting without reason or apology no matter if he’s amazing this isn’t what you deserve. Soft me- I want the nice sunset dinner in the marina that he planned and I want to go surfing with him one day and have beach adventures.

Eventually, I get on the train home- crying disappointed. He starts begging and pleading to still come out and he will come and get me to get off the train he’s 15 minutes from my next stop. I get off the train but don’t leave the station because I’m about to jump right back on this MF if he’s not here in 15 minutes. So, he says he's on his way and I go down to a spot that is easy to pick someone up at. Now there is no sun I’m straight up shivering and starving waiting alone in the night (mace on me but still). He says “5 minutes away” and then 15 minutes after I get an “I’m here.” I don’t see a car- look around repeatably- finally spots him standing on the opposite street corner. This dude didn’t bring his car he took... wait for it.... another shared Uber to me…. See tomorrow is street cleaning and he didn’t want to move his car because he’s on the good side. Now if you live in LA you will note this is a real struggle but also now I understood how 5 minutes became 20 cause that’s how shared rides work. For those of you getting suspicious he does actually own a car, I know this only because you can’t bring a surfboard and be a surfer without a car in this crazy city unless you're beachside adjacent (he is not) and I’ve seen pics.

I go over to him, we say hi etc and he orders another share and we walk 3 blocks very quickly to get to the spot. He does give me his jacket but it’s too small and were running holding hands trying to catch this car. At this point, I’m like fuck it just let whatever is going to happen happen. The thing is he’s not disclosing information or I would have offered to pay for a direct ride because I’m cold and my feet hurt but he doesn’t say he just does.  

Now, where do you think we are going- the dinner spot? Nooooo he has them drop us off near the marina. He wants to smoke a cigarette by the water and hang out. I only slowly discover this over the next few minutes. He tries to hold me to keep me warm my feet are starting to blister. I don’t understand we are not at the restaurant because he’s not very transparent. I let this man hold me because I’m cold and because I’m trying to make the best of this and laugh at his jokes. He tells me how pretty I am and various other compliments. I feel like I’m living a very poorly written “bad date” rom-com situation.

He then orders another Uber to bring us to dinner this one luckily picks us up a block away and drops us off two blocks away from the resturant (eye roll). We eat and I’ve never met someone like this dude before. Truly he is fascinating in a creepy way- his life goal, he jokingly keeps saying, is to be a dictator. Currently, a pro surfer though so that career jump should be an easy one. I start looking at this as some kind of weird social experiment. I’m legit looking around for prank cameras or Ashton Kutcher because I’m like no way this dude is for real. He’s heavy on using the word facetious. His favorite thing to say after you say "I don’t want to talk about that" is “but why tell me more I want to talk about this.” I quickly learn to just change topics on  slyly because he will just keep pushing.

So, if you’re reading this shaking your head thinking get the fuck out- I hear you- I was thinking the same thing pretty much the whole time. However, I feel guilty he’s paying for dinner blah blah internalized don’t rock the boat shit and some weird hope that this is going to change and not be horrendous. I excuse myself and look at my phone it would be $36 to take a shared ride home. I start barganing with myself: let him take you to his house so you're halfway home and then take your own ride the rest of the way. I get back to the table and tell him that is what i want to do and i'm ready to leave.

Do we leave then- not quite, he wants one more smoke by the water. At least this time we're only a few feet from it. Once we get dropped off by his apartment he immediately starts walking. Me: “where are we going?!?” Dude: “I gotta get this. I gotta go to the store.” We are now at the liquor store he’s buying cigarettes. I start getting my own ride home and order it while he’s in there. He offered but no way am I going through that fiasco again. He does wait with me,I wanted to run away, but also didn’t want to be standing alone on venice blvd at 11:00 at night. It finally arrives and I’m overwhelmed with emotion. All I want to do is call my ex and thank him for not being this guy, for taking care of me on our dates, and listening to me when I speak.

I wish I had just stayed on the train I could have been home by 8 only loosing 2 hours of my life to this non-sense. Instead, I’ve spent from 6:04 when he was meant to get me to 11 in pure random chaos. I know it’s just one dude, one bad date, but I’m devastated- how many times do we (the pervibal "we" of woman dating) have to go out and have these shitty experiences all because we want to find a life partner? The ironic thing is this dude was into me and said "I want to date you. I want the kind of life you want." Hypothetically he did but he didn’t actually respect me- my time- or what I wanted.

Yes, I was disappointed that this is what it takes to date in the modern world in the whacky way we meet from apps and shit but more so disappointed in myself. If I had left when my gut was screaming to at 6:40 after waiting that first 40 minutes none of this would have happened. If I had listened to the bad bitch side of me instead of the soft romantic I wouldn’t be in a shared ride home taking over 45 minutes at 11:00 on Tuesday in a sundress shivering. Of if I had listened to my gut the second time I was on the train and didn't get off BUT I let my desire for love lead me to waiting another 35 minutes and going through all that insanity. If I valued myself more and  listened to all the nagging feelings in my heart and gut I would have bailed right away. If you don’t show respect for me date one, best behavior date, then how are you going to be when things get hard. Ultimetly, it wasn’t about him... it was about me knowing my worth and getting and staying on that fucking train. I gotta keep doing the work so next time

Why Adopting a Shelter Kitten Saved My Life

  

       At the end of February Rogue, my adopted shelter kitten, turned 1. She was almost 5 months when she came home with me and has literally barely left my side since. When I left Massachusetts for LA I had to say goodbye to my cat Zooey and our family had years before 2 tragic cat deaths before her. It was hard leaving her behind but my situation when coming here was so unstable I thought it unfair to bring her with me. After Zooey passed getting my own cat here in LA was always on my mind. I missed having curled up balls of fluff sleeping on my feet and head bumping me for attention. I missed caring for something that loved you back so openly and that I could shower with love without scaring away.
       Many times I looked into local LA shelters and pet adoption agencies. I had them bookmarked and would every so often look at all the adorable pets who needed homes. I felt however that my financial situation was not steady enough to be able to properly provide for a pet and sometimes I worked crazy amounts like 22 out of 24 days. Then I got sick. I was diagnosed with a bacterial overgrowth that completely ruined my way of life and made me extremely weak. I went on a 2 week sick leave from work and was very depressed.
    It is hard to live a day to day life when your in chronic pain. By body prevented me from doing social things I loved like hiking and extended time away from places without restrooms. Eating out was nearly impossible because I regurgitated food and even a short trip to Vegas had me planning out all my own meals to cook while there. I was on active suicide watch by my therapist and I was looking for anything that could make me happy enough to want to stay on this planet.
    One particularly bad night I called my father it was nearly 2 in the morning on the east coast because I could not get myself out of car. After talking to him I came up with the temporary fix of going on an adventure to explore somewhere new. But once I got back all the joy I had felt being away could not stay with me. I read on a SIBO blog post that someone said the only thing that helps me get up in the morning is that they needed to care of their pet. They also said it was the only thing that helped bring them joy in this challenging time. My mind became fixed at that point and with my father’s reassurance he could help cover any big expenses I was determined.
    Being a big animal advocate I wanted to go to a no kill shelter and found one the west side that looked promising. It was having a $25 special for kitten season. I was a bit intimidated by going there but once I walked in the door it was nothing but welcome helping staff and a good clean environment for the pets. You can find them at nkla.org/. I was impressed and touched at how the volunteers and workers were so dedicated to the welfare of these creatures. I had my eye on two sister cats Maya and Mia. When I had one one one play time with them Mia was not at all interested in me Maya on the other hand was playful and adorable.
    Now the crazy thing is I am actually allergic to cats.But I did a ton of research and found that lighter female cats produce the least dander but after holding Maya my eyes burned and my nose was running. I told myself this would be the new normal till I got use to it again. I couldn't however adopt that day because I was about to do a 3 day work stretch and wanted to be able to be with the kitten more or less all the time until they adjusted. I was extremely upset when I saw late Thursday night, when I was planning on going Friday morning, Maya had been adopted.
    I reminded myself I was able to give an animal a loving happy home so I went back again to see if there was another kitten that was a good fit. In the cage where Maya had been was another grey tabby Rogue so named for her beautiful marking after the superhero. When I was put in a room with her she stayed curled up on my chest not desperate to run and play like the other kittens. She was more scared and skittish and I wondered if she’d always be a scaredy cat or if shed open up on acquaintance. I played with another cat, Samantha, that day but the one thing about Rogue was I didn’t feel itchy at all. She was all curled up on me and nothing happened.

    My adoption specialist Articea was a gem she took me through everything and made sure I knew the power of the commitment I was making.  In conjunction with Best Friends Animal society I adopted Rogue that day. She was very scared her first few days at home but I was in love. I couldn't wait to get home from work to play with her and I thought everything she did was absolutely precious. It was just the beginning but she was already was bringing me such joy and happiness.
       Over the next few weeks Rogue settled in, met my friends, and totally opened up to her new home. I even started teaching her little tricks. Even when I feel my most miserable I can still bring myself to get up and make sure she has food, water, and a clean litterbox. On the harder days she somehow knows and comforts me by allowing extra cuddles or sleeping with her head on my shoulder. Every night she’s waiting right by the door when I come in and she’s the first thing I pick up. After working in mental health all day i’m drained and found even having a roommate ask “how was your day” was irritating but somehow having a cat be there to greet me was different.

    I can’t say that I no longer think about suicide anymore but I can’t imagine giving up Rogue either. She now does a plethora of tricks from rolling over, to jumping through hoops, to my favorite little cat high five. It isn’t always easy when she destroys things or gives me the cold shoulder because I’m out of wet food and she doesn’t want just dry food. However every day I have something I can love and in her own animal way I think she loves me back. They day I adopted Rogue she truly saved my life. I’m so grateful this little munchkin wasn’t killed in a shelter and is thriving on her first birthday.

The Independent Woman's Conundrum

        In the past year I've really struck about the idea of personal Independence- what if means to have it or not, it's pros and cons and what it means for me, personally, in my life. Now i'm not just talking about the showy very bold Beyonce "I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent" kind of independent women.It's power can't be denied of course 10 Most Empowering Beyonce Songs (although I prefer my role models to be more clothed). I'm also pointing out the everyday subtle independence that's about the pure joy and freedom of running one's own life the way you, and only you, wish it to be.
            I left home at 24 to move from Massachusetts out to LA my mom had died 2 years earlier and my father was not very present.  I had made the choice at 16 to move to LA and everything after that was just a series of steps to bring that to fruition. There was no one there to try to stop me but even if there had been I would have done it anyways. I only had one panic attack 4 hours into my cross country move where I doubted my choice and wanted to return, it lasted 10 minutes, and I haven't looked back since. I didn't always have a strong inner voice I had to find it and develop it and education was a big part of that. However once I found it.....it was all me- my choice and my dreams. I believed in standing up for something you wanted even at the risk of failure and I still do.
        I always knew it would be hard there was never a doubt in my mind about that. I made a goal the next year to be financially independent at any price. I knew as long as someone was paying for me they could have control over me and even take it all away. That first 6 months I made only $10 a hour and somehow managed to live in this very expensive city. By the next September I had a job that paid all my bills, nothing extra, but just enough. It wasn't until recently when my health has been bad have I had to ask for anything.
          I have friends in different cultural communities who have little to no Independence. They are confined to live with their parents until marriage and don't have much opportunity for their voices and thoughts to be acknowledge. It also come with a strong bond of care, sometimes over bearing care, that I can't fathom. No one ever tells me what to do or how to live my life. Sometimes I wish I had that person who cares enough to be that involved no matter how menacing or annoying it seems. It fascinating to see this dichotomy play our in our lives. Both successful, intelligent women whose live are influenced my such a different set of standers and rules.

      Without freedom of choice I buck like a wild horse someone is trying to tame. The more someone tells me what I "have to do" the more I want to rebel against it. I think it's important especially as a women, to always be knowledgeable about your options in all circumstances. Try and learn everything about it so you can make the most informed choice for yourself. I can't and won't knock down someone for choosing to live a life that is kept under a more patriarchal system. I do however vehemently am adamant about fighting for women who can't make that choice that need our help in being able to stand up and be independent.
       When I see the news stories around the world I can't believe how little freedom others have. It's not even women but young girls who endure female genital mutilation, rape, and domestic abuse. I wish I could be the voice for every single person that can't have one- I don't know how to do that. So I write it out in blogs and raps and hope that it touches someone so they can be part of my goal too.



   Wow Shannon this has been such a pro independent women piece- what is this "conundrum" you're on about? I've seen it in my life and in one particular friend. She has a master degree, is a powerhouse of questioning privilege and diversity, and she answers to no one. Sometimes though on certain days... she just wants to be taken care of. I had the same thought yesterday- my body was very week from the SIBO and I paused thinking how nice it would be if someone could clean my smoothie containers so I could make one to eat. There's that pang of longing where you're seeking help and comfort but the structure of the life you have doesn't have that built into it.
          I struggle with the idea of "I need someone" vs "no, I can do it all myself." When you don't have anyone around you can't be disappointed but when you need someone, there isn't always someone watching your back for you either. I don't know the solution and how the puzzle pieces fit together I flip flop daily.This isn't a bad thing it just is a piece that's important to remember. People need people no matter how much we fight it! It's so easy to say I'm going to this with no one's help but my own. That's such a great fighting spirit but we also have to consider the type of people we want to be on our journey with. Friends who support are advancements at work, girlfriends who don't just gripe about boys, and mentors to continue to inspire you to grow.   
         I also worry how much influence men have over me and the patriarchal that still runs much of my environment. I like to believe in equality but I don't see it happening. Patricia Arquette's said in her now world famous Oscar speech “It’s our time to have wage equality once and for all and equal rights for women in the United States of America.” The way our health care laws are made without consulting women and the predominance of rape culture. I'm conflicted about how to live within this system while fighting against it.

      My wish is for all the independent women out there who pay all their own bills, including student loans, their rent, their food, who refuse to bend to the status quo to surround yourself with like minded people. Those who can be there for you in your "I just want someone to take care of me" moments and your "I do my job better then that guy but get paid half as much" frustrations. Together we can do anything in the words of Beyonce:

 
   Now if we could get this video but with ALL KINDS of powerful women that would be epic!
Mother Theresa, Malala Yousafzai, Gloria Steinem, Rosa Parks, Jill Stein, Maya Angelou, Hillary Clinton,Tina Fay, Laverne Cox, Elizabeth Warren, Opra Winfrey just off the top of my head- may have to make this video myself!  

50 Shades is the Classic Fairytale Storyline

     The number one thing that people always get "twisted up" about (yes that's a bondage joke) when discussing 50 Shades of Grey is the BDSM elements. I've seen so many comments about it portraying a emotionally abusive relationship and that's perpetuating negative types of relationships. Let me just say this : 50 Shades of Grey follows a very similar storyline as ALL classic princess movies. How can you get more worked up about this film then a girl getting locked in a dungeon and then slowly over time giving up her whole life for her captor. This first came into my realm of awareness after watching my friend Alex Clark's hilarious animated video: 50 Shades of Beauty and the Beast

Opinions from someone who has never read/seen the story

      Now lets backtrack just a little bit. I must admit I read only about 50 pages...truly 50 ;) of the first book and it didn't really turn me on so to speak perhaps my taste are "more singular" -God I hope these movie references and puns are funny to someone reading this. Mostly because as a sapiosexual I NEED good writing in order to be stimulated and that dare I say that garbage didn't quite do the trick. None the less as all the billboards in LA tantalized me Curious? I slowly became more so and that damn sexy trailer too. I admit that I was everything this pr/marketing team wanted their ideal demographic so to speak.

      So when my coworker and I had the day off for President day we decided to go. I know this will be an unpopular sentiment but... really our reaction to the girl's choice is the problem in all of this. Here's some reasons
1- He says from the beginning "I don't do romance" and I don't date, sleep in any one's bed etc but yet Anastasia still thinks she'll change him/win him over and he'll change. He's being very upfront and clear about what he's emotionally capable of and how he lives his life and yet she still in every scene tries to change that.
2- ALL the other girls who he had this arrangement with seemingly agreed to the lifestyle willingly (although not reading the series I can't be certain on this). No one was "forced" into anything. The contract actually makes the relationship more defined and structured then in most common every day scenarios where you're wondering around in labeless confusion getting unsolicited dick pics and wondering what the hell kind of setup your in.
3- She buys into being wooed,although somewhat begrudgingly, and accepts ALL OF the lavish gifts he imparts on her. She lets herself be won over by his planes, tuxes, lifestyle, apartment, etc. Her life was fairly boring like Belle and then a stranger creates a new and exciting world that they are all to eager to join and get swept up in.
4- There really is only a guise of her being independent and making decisions based on her needs aka a few changes in the contract etc. She allows herself to follow the predetermined rules and does so of her own will and understanding.
   

There are lots more of these celebrity gifs out there 50 Shades of Fey was my 2nd favorite

      Another point that just needs to be thrown in here is that in real life BDSM couple 2 adult people are mutually agreeing to conduct themselves by certain rules and behaviors. It depends on ABSOLUTE trust,faith, and safety. No one is being manipulated or pushed into that kind of lifestyle. SO the idea that these people are emotionally abusing their partners is so far from the true intent of the practice. I work with people in domestic abuse scenarios every day and that's true manipulation not this movie.

       So getting back to the Princess point. Girl lives mundane life- meets interesting stranger- is curious and intrigued- wants to see what his life is all about- willing to leave everything she knows for boy- does so. Is that not The Little Mermaid in a Nutshell?!?! Or Beauty and the Beast just take away the details and it's all the same. The girls are swept up in the fantasy of the man's world and willingly enter into it whether the change is from the ocean to land or small live to lavish portland city life. They all seem self sufficient and independent but in reality are just looking to be swept away into a life beyond their wildest dreams the only difference is a castle vs penthouse.
 

It's quoted around the internet as being IN THE NOVEL!

    I've wrote about modern America 20 somethings Princess Delusions before (This is from when I was 25 and wow my writing has come so far). It's a theme that has a continuous undercurrent in my life as someone who struggles to be completely independent of needing a man and the longing of wanting a long term partner. There are moments when I think what it would be like to date a CEO or find a guy traveling the world who will turn out to be a Prince of some small country I've never heard of. More so I dream of a regency era gentleman who asks me to dance and take a turn around the garden. I let myself go there briefly it's easy to get swept up in that as your ongoing narrative. I have been fighting it every day since I realized I want to live in the real world more then one of my own creation- that's not easy for an actress, whose a lucid dreamer, and has a wildly imaginative brain.
“Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.”
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey  

      So I just ask people to consider what is it that really bothers them about 50 Shades of Grey? The bondage in the first film is not very explicit eyes masks, ice cubes, limbs ties to the bed, there's only one scene where she begs him to "show her the worst"  which he does and she hates. As long as people are being safe and consensual I would never enter into judgement about their sexual habits. What I think really bothers people is that this is another tale of yet another women choosing to be swept up in the Princess world. By letting him call all the shots and giving up all her power. It's twisted and needs to be corrected yes but then you shouldn't dress up your child in Princess costumes and tell them to wait for their white knight either.

Just for one last chuckle!

What a Dick Pic Means to Me

*There are two dick pics in this post- you've been warned         

     To me a dick is just like looking at any other part of the body a knee, left ear lobe, pinkie finger. But Shannon you'll say there is a sexual element to this body part. Suuuure I'll agree to that certain dicks may illicit that kind of response. However when I get woken up by the ding of my phone and see that it's a guy I've been chatting to only to open it and reveal a fully erect penis... I'm not happy- I'm not attracted to it, I don't want to see it , and my personal bubble of safety feels intruded upon. There are scenarios when that might not be the case mostly when I've know a person for a long time and there dick means something to me.

Yep- this is probably the most cliche girl thing I will ever write but only when I have an emotional attachment to the person the dick is attached to is it something I want to see. Call me crazy but random dicks DO NOT TURN ME ON. So now that we've covered my opinion let's discuss why men feel the need to send dick pics- let's hypothesize
A- they think it turns us on
B-they get off on someone seeing it with out the judgment of it being a real encounter
C- that ego
D- asserting a dominating element "you will see this whether you want to or not"
Here's some comments from actual men about this phenomena:
Glamour- Why dudes send dick picks ( In their words)

Funny Story:
I give a guy my number (in reality I accidentally give him my sister's number I end in 42 she ends in 43). Side note: my sister and I have done this at least 4 times now we never mean to but it always turns out pretty funny. I get a text "Hey, I just text you sister glad I didn't open with a dick pic." I wrote back something like "haha good thing you didn't" to which he responded "so.....no dick pic then?" It was hilarious when I thought he was playing on the stupidity of this absurd trend but it was annoying as fuck when I realized he really meant it.

The Burning Question on my Mind:
When did this all start like approximately circa 2007 maybe ?!?! I got my first at 19 and it was shocking then like I was blown away - now it seems common place. It's so common place in fact this girl a self proclaimed "dick critic" wrote an article about how to take a good one... which I appreciate because number 10 is this (which should be number one) "Make sure you’re meeting bare minimum standards of human decency by only sending dick pics to people who’ve consented to see them." 10-dos-donts-of-dick-pics If you feel brave (I really mean that) you can see her critiquemydickpic.tumblr where she grades and critiques submissions all with senders full permission so "nothing untoward" about that minus a lot a lot of penis.  This one I just have to share from a man about to go to jail..... I laughed out loud for a solid minute

I also chuckled when I changed the "format size" from medium to extra large to make the text and picture more readable- S.C

 On a personal note this tumblr made me realize all my sexual encounters have had really nice dicks something I didn't know I should be grateful for until viewing this account. Momentary pause to hope none of them are reading this and the sigh of relief realizing none of them ever will. But if this blog does find any of you pat yourself on the back you're dick was great.

Another example:
Aziz Ansari in his comedy special does a funny bit on the commonality of the trend.
Another big chunk of Buried Alive is about the strangeness of dick pics. Why did you choose to make it such a sizable segment in the special?
I was just talking about how dumb guys are nowadays, and the idea that people are sending dick pics – it's so crazy to me. When I started asking audiences, "Clap if you're a single woman and a guy sent you a dick pic," I was very surprised. What percentage would you think would get a dick pic? I would guess 40 percent. But it seemed like every city I went to, it was at least 80 percent. And that was startling, that such a high percentage of them had something that absurd happen to them. It seems like such a dumb thing. I say this in the special, but I just don't understand the logic behind it. A dick is a very dumb-looking, boring thing. Excerpt for Village Voice

This is real life:
Do you really think I could write an article and not include a photo?!? This is THE BEST/WORST dick pic I've ever received and the count is probably near 20 at this point. I believe this man called it "mighty cock" or some such heroic name really the possibilities are endless.

Imagining opening up your phone and seeing this... what is your reaction?!? In memory serves me my mouth fell opened then I looked away then I laughed then I looked again to make sure it was really indeed a girl action figure toy on his cock and then I was over it. Sure, because I'm brilliant at that kind if thing, I could have said something witty/sexy in return but the bottom line is there is nothing really sexy about that!

Consent first send second:
What I want to get back to is the UNSOLICITED element of this. If you're in a sexting scenario or a partnership fine by all means divulged in a little fun play when it's open welcome and consented upon. By sending someone out of the blue/randomly/ or as an opener after getting their number it is NOT OKAY! It's sexual harassment plain and simple and yet it goes so wildly unpunished and continues to run rampant I dare say world wide, even though I have no proof of this. Do we let this just keep going on spiraling more and more out of control till we fear every ding of our phones?!? I feel I shouldn't have to be afraid to give out my number or be blamed for giving it out and then in turn getting these photos.

Check out Elite Daily's Video:

Final thoughts:
I just... can't... really I can't. I am all for a mutual expression of sexuality in creative ways when both adults consent to it. I am not for being exposed to sexuality illicit materials when I'm not expecting it or seeking it out even in non dating contexts. You have no right to affront me with that shit and I would never do that to someone else. What offends one person may not another and that really is not a risk I think anyone would want to take in this world of lawsuits but with the decline of common decency that seems to have become void. I think intimate things should be shared with those who you can trust intimately if not it does not belong on my iphone. I'm wrapping this up with one last picture

(eye roll) This is too common for any one's good!

The Privilidge of Health

           Health is truly one of those things you take for granted until you don't have it. Sure that yearly flu reminds you how sensitive your body is to it's environment and also it's tremendous power to heal. However what happens you body seems to be continuously letting you down. If you can go about you day and not think about everything you put in your mouth you have this privilege. If you can go to any parking lot and not have to worry wear the handicap spot is or if there's accessible stairways then you have this privilege. If you've never had to go to weekly chemo treatments, allergy shots, etc you have this privilege.

For the past 4 months every single thing I've put in my mouth I have to consider
A) what is the likely hood this will make me sick
B) what are the compounds that make up this items?
    1. Is this a compound that makes me sick
    2. Do I want to risk it and do it anyways?
C) How much or little of this do I want to consume
D) If I have a reaction to this how far away from a trash/toilet/safety am I?
E) When was the last time I had this- how did I feel after?

And then after considering all these things- will I eat/ drink this item?

      It is not a fun way to live it makes eating out nearly impossible I stick to the same 3 restaurants and eat the same thing each time. It makes the idea of "splurging" on a good meal or a delicacy void
It makes socializing, holidays, and any event where "food is provided" hell to attend. I'm not going to get started on $300 i've spent on doctors alone (will save heath care costs for another blog post). So how can I transform this post into something inspiring and not just about what's it's like to have IBS and SIBO and after 2 treatments no success in eliminating the bacteria?

      How about discussing a commitment to health. None of this is about weight for me other then the fact I would like my ever increasing gas filled stomach to be smaller! It's about how having a body, combined with the mind, and soul can be a vessel of and health can contribute to happiness. When you're well the day is easier, anyone who has experienced chronic pain knows how debilitating long term pain can be to your happiness. I don't think it's impossible just much more of a challenge "to be happy" when the body/mind/soul aren't in a working symbiosis.

       When all is said and done at the end of the day i'm committed to my well being. I'm not ignoring the issues hoping they'll vanish by good luck or fate. Instead i'm  everyday actively attempting to find a neutral balance in myself. I've now done 2 days of a 5 day experiment (doctors suggestion) having only smoothies to give my GI tract a "rest"so far it's only made me starving, cranky, and actually made my stomach as big as it was off the diet and on antibiotics. These series of setbacks are crushing because they've told me "you're doing all you can do" and so I just keep trying. Sometimes the biggest lesson you can learn is to just keep trying.