Love Lessons From My Indonesian Friend

     I have been in LA nearly 3 years and all of that time I have worked at Bloomingdales. The characters there, now i'm talking the staff not even the clients, are truly pieces of work in the best way possible. If you ever want to know your own true character flaws work in retail for 3 months and then ask a coworker what they don't like about you- believe me they will have an answer. So one of the ladies I was drawn to since the beginning is Waty. She is from Indonesia, married, has seen many more years then and I and loves to impart "word of wisdom." Since I don't have a mother to pass on her gems of knowledge I'm always fascinated to hear what advice older women give me. I believe you can't question wisdom it's not like knowledge that you can acquire through skill it takes time and only comes with age and experience.
      So during a recent shift there I gave her an update on some of the "situations" that have been going on in my world. We also discussed a scenario of a close friend as well. She said "you young girls have it hard these days" she then proceeded to start listing off things men do and don't like and what I should do find a good one. I said "wait wait wait let me write these down there are too many to remember" and she restated her previous points and expanded on them. Now, for the record, i'm not saying I agree with all of these just passing on her advice because she has some awesome points too. My favorite one that sticks out in mind is from 2 years ago and will kick off this list:

*I will try to write these as closely as how she actually spoke them
- You must fill in your eyebrows or no man will marry you they like nice full eyebrows
- Men are hunters they want to do hunting not be hunted
-You don't own people. Women think if they have a man then they own them and they are theirs. Men can leave at any time people have free will so you must be good. If they love you they will stay.
-No nagging they don't like to hear nagging or they will stop listening to you
-If it's a group of people it's not a date only one on one is date 
-Don't show them you love them. If they know you love them there is no fear and they won't work hard to get you. Only once you know he loves you can you show it.
-Set them free if they love you they come back
-They are more scared then you are, they don't know what they want. Give them time to figure it out and don't ask "why?" never ask "why?" you kill a man by asking "why?"
- If he does not love you forget about him and go in another direction it's that simple of course it's hard your heart will be broken you cry but you must walk away
-RESPECT you must equally respect each other 

        So there you have it folks straight for her mouth to my paper to my blog!!! As I mull this advice over as I write I smirk. It all seems quite silly but that is her experience and some of it I already know to be true from my experiences. Asking why, for instance, has lead me to write so many blogs on the topic of dating to the point of making me questioning everything because I rarely get the answers from men myself. Which isn't bad just exhausting! I cherish her wisdom and guidance because I believe in the lineage of women wishing to help each other on this maddening quest for love and a partner. Maybe after all this it really is my eyebrows ;)  


 

The 48 hour "A-List" Okcupid Experiment

*Please note there are 5 sections to this post: the inspiration, the rules, the experiment, the results and the aftermath. Feel free to skip parts especially the rules which mostly just describes how okcupid and it's features work  

 The Inspiration:  
           I go back and forth between being utterly fascinated/intrigued/confused about how we date in
modern times and being so disgusted by the state of it all I'd rather become a hermit. Recently Facebook (international social networking site) and Okcupid (international dating/hookup site) have both admitted to running experiments on their users--- unbeknownst to them. This "data" is suppose to "enlighten" the companies about the behaviors and patterns, of the individuals who use their site. As a psyc minor and a human who is fascinated by people these experiments seem interesting but my concern is that it is being done without the user's permission.
      The facebook study states "Data from a large real-world social network, collected over a 20-y period suggests that longer lasting moods (e.g. depression, happiness can be transferred through networks) When positive expression were reduced people produced fewer positive posts and more negative posts; when negative expressions were reduced, the opposite pattern occurred. These results indicate that emotions expressed by others on Facebook influence our own emotions, constituting experimental evidence for massive-scale contagion via social networks." So without its users being aware/notified facebook was essentially intentionally altering peoples moods.The legal trouble comes in because it seems like not all committees and proper practices were followed during the research. They also note that as a daily practice, by using their algorithm, they decide out of an average 1,500 pieces of potential timeline posts what to display and what to hide. Click here if you want to learn how to shut off fb tracking your location and what you look at after leading their site.
       Many users have decide to experiment on facebook back. In this case a guy liked EVERYTHING on facebook but he quickly found a dramatic increase in adds. This continued until his entire feed was only facebook driven material and nothing from actual people he knew. The author also noted "By the next morning, the items in my News Feed had moved very, very far to the right." Another experiment did the exact opposite by liking nothing for 2 weeks. She noted "I actually felt pangs of guilt over not liking some updates, as though the absence of my particular Like would translate as a disapproval or a withholding of affection." I am truly fascinated by how this one Internet tool can, if we allow, impact our lives so strongly. 
       In defense of the current facebook ethical scandal Okcupid posted a cheeky commentary  on how it applies user data and research on their site. The main difference is they are constantly showing the users these tests. I've read maybe 3 or so in the past few years (remember i'm fascinated/intrigued/confused about modern dating). One thing the study points out that based on data "your picture is worth that fabled thousand words, but your actual words are worth…almost nothing."As well as this gem "When we tell people they are a good match, they act as if they are. Even when they should be wrong for each other."

       The site's famed match % algorithm is the basis for "compatibility" but I believe you can't truly judge that by numbers. For instance when looking at a user's page I rarely if ever look at match percentage because it's never proven helpful. A 74% match rating for a guy I dated when we have a ton of stuff in common and get along great seems pretty low. The irony is immediately after reading the article explaining why these experiments are good and interesting I logged on to the site and it offered me a free trial of their "A-list" which is their paid enhanced version of the site. Yes part of me thinks the cookies or something showed I read the article and it wasn't just coincidence.
      To help you understand how the A- list would change the site from how one would normally browse it the quickest way is to see the "benefits."
Which include:
- Advances search options: attractiveness, personality, body type (folks I am not kidding here)
- The ability to browse anonymously (no one will know you are looking at them unless you choose to click a button and let them know)
- See which users like you (normally you can only see who likes you if both parties rated each other high in this case you see everyone who likes you even if you haven't rated them)
- Message Filters where you can block messages that are too short, contain certain words, or the sender's level of attractiveness (again folks I am still not kidding)
- The ability to see when someone has read the message you sent
-No ads, username change, and 5,000 message inbox vs 300 with an unpaid account

I rolled my eyes and thought "oh sure so you can collect more information about how I use your site and respond to these A-List features. Then in a flash of sudden maniacal thinking I came up with he idea of doing my own experiment. I couldn't come up with a theory that could in any way cause damage to the system but I thought let me try to use these free bonus features to 100% potential over the next 48 hours and really see if something, if anything, will come of it.

The Rules:
Object: To see if A-List features enhance my chances of finding a match
Goal: Have one person of interest ask me on a date (defined as a specific location, day, and time)
Time Frame: 48 hours
Perimeters- Age: 26 to 34  Gender: Male    Distance Up to 25 miles   Must have been online in the past month

First let me explain how “traditional” OkCupid exchange happens based on my experience.

1- you must be interested enough to click on the user in order to see their profile
    a. At any given time you will see three users on the side and similar users to the profile you are currently viewing on the bottom. To even pick one from a 2 cm picture would already show a basic interest in them visually.

2-  you must be interested enough to either rate them on okcupid’s five star rating system or send them a message.
     a. If I think the person is attractive and I can pull anything in the profile worth commenting on a band, shared interest, similar life goals or philosophy I will send them an individualized message if not I will send something generic “what’s your favorite spot in LA" and if they barely sparked a chord I will rate them with no message.

3- If both parties like each other (aka clicked a high star rating) a message will be sent notifying them (in the case of A- list you see who likes you regardless). Someone must send the first actual words to get things going
    a.Sometimes at this point you get direct messages I want to take you out or I want to fuck you.  Smarter messages tend to ask you about your interests or explain something about their personality.
    b.The more messages exchanged the more interest is shown.

4-Exchanging phone numbers or personal contact info. I’ve heard some people never do this and only use the app till they met someone in person. Since I do not have a smart phone this not a possibility for me.

Note: the next few points are my mode of operation and probably not every users

5-after exchanging numbers I send a few texts back-and-forth. If after 10 texts I’m not completely bored and want to kill myself I will consider meeting them in person. Surprisingly usually within 10 texts or 5 messages on the site I will 100% definitively know if i'm interested in meeting or not.

6-Then a date would be planned and both parties and go out have a great time.

To fully complete this six step process has happened successfully three times for me (previous to experiment). I have had five planed dates three of which have never happened including canceling on me 30 minutes beforehand. That does not include the dozen or so numbers that I’ve gotten that were purely ended up being invitations for hookups or resulted in not elicited nude photos.

The Experiment:
To start off the experimental 48 hours I first checked out some of the A-list user features.

         Searching by Attractiveness: One of the best features was that you could search by a users level of attractiveness. A five-star user  has been rated by other users as “highly attractive” by searching only for "5 star users" I had only beautiful people before my eyes. People who are rated highly attractive get an email from OkCupid letting them know that they are considered an attractive user by general average star ratings. These users get to see more attractive people that aren’t open to the general population of the site. If you get rated low 3 stars or less you would never know that there is a higher level of attractive users on the site. I only know this because, years ago, I got the email alerting me that I have now been selected as part of this group. It comes with a bit of a shock because you don’t know that such a category even exist within the site and also it’s a bit of an ego boost. Having the potential to only search by five-star users gives you the key benefit of only seeing more attractive people.
        In true experimental fashion, covering my bases, I also checked out the four-star users. They were slightly less attractive but nothing too shocking. I did however notice a drastic difference when I clicked on three-star users these people were more homely, had mis shapen faces, or had odd pictures up. Continue by then looking at the females as well. The five-star users often have very sexy profile pictures with cleavage or pouty lips showing. Whereas the three-star users didn’t have make up had facial features that were disproportionate to the rest of the face etc the worst being the ones who were “trying” to look sexy but fell a little short.
      In my 5 star search I very quickly, within 3 rows, came across Roger (if he ever reads this he will appreciate that specific pseudonym). He is 1 of 3 individuals that made it through all 6 of the previously mentioned steps. I feel like our 74% match rating doesn't give the fun we had justice but c'est la vie. Since he was searchable in the 5 star category that meant Rodger was rated by other women highly too. That wasn't too surprising to me but what it did do was immediately make me question my already constructed ideas about who he is. I doubted myself is there something I missed did I let a rare gem go? Even though our goals in a relationship are completely different right now should I reconsider? I text him...I admit it... then I made myself remember... what do you want? is Roger that right now? (as opposed to future him or him of a year ago). The answer is NO and as much as I imagined this loved filled utopia as our potential utopia it always comes back to the fact we want different things.

        Viewing Profiles Anonymously: It's so clear why being able to look at users profiles without them knowing is a key bonus when navigating this A-List version of the site. It's why people "stalk" their exes on facebook. We are all modern day voyeurs into each others lives while still maintaining the distance of a virtual world that feels safe to us. For the first few hours I didn't even use this feature because I wanted people to see I looked at their pages which would increase my odds of getting asked out. But then it hit me..... I could look at all the profiles of people who I had dated, had gone MIA in communication, or really hot guys who I didn't want to know I was looking at their page again. I often after texting a user for awhile will look at their page to see if actually matches the person who I know. It rarely does. I'm sure my page, as truthful as I've tried to be, doesn't convey "me" accurately because it's all self perception.
         I found it entertaining to read the questions on these pages of Roger's and other pages now that I know them. How your answers correspond is partly how they get your match % is the first place. Example: "what's more important in keeping a relationship alive. Passion or Dedication" He picked passion I picked dedication maybe that 74% was more accurate then I think. In terms of needing this feature in the long term it doesn't seem necessary. In this regard since how often would I need to look at old profiles to help me write a blog anyway?
         It did however help me not show users whose pages I visited and immediately regretted once it was clicked on. A teeny tiny picture you click on turns into a page where the first line is "I don't date actresses, vegetarians, or red heads" well that is me in an nutshell so..... Clearly a match is not going to happen there so why even let them know you were there. I often get messages and can tell from the photo the person is not someone I would be into (yes that's judging on looks alone) but part of me wonders who are these people who just ask to fuck? who ask you if you like to be spoiled? what do their profiles say? who raised them to be like that? is it society? So this A-List feature allowed me to do that without letting them think I was interested.
         I once got a message which seemed okay so I looked at the profile and quickly became not interested after the bathrooms selfies and gym pics. I didn't say anything thing but I also forgot to delete the message. He wrote saying something along the lines of "you come checkin out my page but don't say nothin? you don't see anything you like." I didn't delete that message so a few weeks later the same things happens again. This time I remind myself delete all unwanted messages. I almost never respond to 90% of the messages I get but I become so disinterested that I actually try to wipe them from my brain and don't think to delete it. This is where the ghost feature comes in handy!

       Checked Messages: This feature will put a little check mark next to a message you have sent if it has been read. Sure that seems pretty great you get to know if they've been on etc. What I found was for me I didn't like knowing- it killed the hope. If I don't know one way or the other (how the unpaid version works) that means they might not have read it and they still may contact me back. Once you know they've read your message and haven't replied to you that pretty much kills it- they're not going to write you- they are not interested- the end. Then again one guy read my message 3 days ago and then wrote me a lengthy response, sometimes it really is just timing. One guy kept responding to my questions with one word answers. I was like "dude why are you doing that" he was all "i'm at work." I said "well maybe you should respond when you have a bit more time to respond properly" he retorted "why are you being a bitch i'm working." If you can't make the time in life to be a human and respond nicely then you have no business dating anyone- it takes time and manners.

11,705 Views in a 24 hour period!

The Results:
       Data Data Data: Overall with the A-list you get a lot more information about the users you are looking at. You can see more about someone, choose how much you choose to reveal, and search more efficiently to maximize your chances.They certainly are benefits that "help" you out on your search. Personally the $ necessary to keep these feature wasn't "worth" it to me even though it's pretty cheap.
       Messages: I sent out aprox 80 messages in those 2 days and re-looked at the profiles of the people I sent messages to in the past 4 months.  I got aprox 20 responses in varying degrees of communication from "hey" to 4 full paragraphs going into detail about out shared likes.
      Ratings: I found that 1 out of ever 4 people who viewed my profile rated me highly. This was information I hadn't previously seen because I could only see "mutual" high rating. I was shocked I think 25% average is pretty good 1 in 4 men are highly attracted to me- good to know. It also made me want to click their picture the idea that knowing someone wants you makes you want them more. However once rereading their profiles I almost never did anything about it but I did give them a "second look" so to say.

           Okcupid Data

      Dates:  I did have one guy within the 48 hours ask me out with a specific time/day/location. However after that the following "10 make or break texts" he failed. We were bonding over are shared love of Moonrise Kingdom and he explained he wanted to be Sam for Halloween. He then got really into detail by saying "maybe if we meet on Saturday and hit it off you can be my Suzy." Hypothetically Sam and Suzy is a really cute/original couples costume.... but I haven't even met this guy. I said something like "we'll have to see" he replied "I want you to be my suzy will you?" Now for anyone who knows the part of my personality named "Suzy" the irony in that question tickled me deeply. It got weird quick and I gracefully made an exit- no actual date taking place.
        However the next day (technically after the 48 period) I got asked on another date. We did indeed meet that Friday at the French Market Cafe right by my apartment. He was super gracious in waiting for me because I was coming straight from a meeting. We shared a strawberry crepe and had wine. It was pretty frickin precious. Luckily we had loads in common and the conversation flowed really well. Overall it was a fantastic date and great way to have some sort of "nice" conclusion to the rest of the BS that came along with this experiment.
      The Chat: I am now going to show you the result of an actual text conversation that went down during the experiment time. Normally I don't engage to this degree to the bullshit but I was in experiment mode and decided to see how far I could take it.
We enter the conversation where I had just sent a picture of me in a silk robe I have but I was clothed. Its maybe 30 texts in.

Him: Why not open it up a bit more
Me: Hypothetically what would you do or say to be able to see it off?
Him: Anything’
        What can I do so you can show me more!!
Me: I meant thinking about showing more right now this is my “threshold line” until we meet
Him: Can I break that threshold line?
Me: What are you thinking?
Him: When am I going to see more
Me: I told you what I was on the site for I gave you a preview of what im really like the choice  is yours mister :) I hope you’re not mad I just know what I want!
Him: Haha its fine. They are just pictures


* I put the phone down I had to walk away. I was cooking I tried to concentrate on cooking. At this point I was already so over the concept of meeting him in person but that line "they are just pictures" killed my gut. I thought "let it go... there's no reason to explain your point" the feminist in me was screaming! Tell him show him what he's doing is unacceptable. Now mind you this man's job is to oversee all aspects of video game production. So his livelihood is determined by emotional investment in images.

Me: Out of curiosity- someone showing you a picture of their naked body doesn’t mean anything to you because its just a picture?
Him: Well I appreciate their body
Me: In what way?
Him: How it looks, how they take the picture
Me: But hypothetically its still just a body/pose/etc there's no thinking/emotional connection to the image?
Him: I can't get an emotional connection from a picture
Me: What if its a picture of a thing you care about former lover pet etc?
Him: Doesn't really effect me
Me: That's really interesting! I would have guessed that someone whose job is reliant on people becoming emotionally invested in the success of moving images might think differently.
Is there a difference between the two?
Him: I guess. Im not sure
Me: From a female's perspective if were sending a guy who were interested in a picture its because we want to get them excited we want to turn them on and we want to feel sexy by knowing they think its hot- its never "just a picture"

I did get this "Shannon is the best" picture out of it

I was shocked the man basically just single handily proved to me what is a major problem amongst daters right now which is that we aren't seeing people as humans just as objects.
One more time for  the record here are some reasons why asking girls you haven't met yet for nude photos is just really uncool. Here are some bullet points about what that above conversation makes me think
-Stop seeing women as objects- this is how we become considered less then human and it's not okay.
-He's not offering me something of equal value in return. Why am I going to give you something that is special for nothing? I know you should only give when you don't expect something back but this isn't Christmas it's dating. The equal sharing is necessary to learn about each other.
-Expecting something for nothing. You expect me to just do all this stuff "just because." Yet the other person can be left feeling like they got nothing out of the exchange.
-The idea of continuing to push. When you make a boundary and someone refuses to listen to it that is not okay. This is how rape happens you say "no" they say "come on" and they keep pushing inch by inch until either you're so far from the boundary or your alone because they didn't want to wait.
- This is common: there is nothing special or particularly shocking about this conversation...it happens all the time. A- we let it B- it's become somehow socially acceptable
-My responsibility in this is not to engage in it anymore: I fully admit I did not stop the conversation and worst I intentionally provoked it to prove my point for this experiment.  
- Women want to feel wanted and sexy. There is tremendous power and validation in conversations like this but overall they do more harm then good. To have the will power to say "no I'm going to hold out for something better" can be challenging when we have needs too. 


The Aftermath:
      It has now been several weeks and while most of this blog was written then at the beginning of August -I was loathe to finish it. I continued to text/talk to about 5 of the guys from the experiment but every time my phone went off I was always hoping it was the same person. A guy who was not at all a part of the experiment but who I had also found on the site. Things didn't progress with the guy I had went on the date with. I became very jaded. To put forth so much effort and to have such little payout hardly seemed worth the time and energy. This is where people always say "what if." What if you had met your perfect match? What if you went on 10 dates? Then would it have been "worth it?"
     I think it was 100% worth it because I have a curious mind and wanted to try it out. I wanted to see if increased effort really mattered and it didn't. I usually get about 110 profile views a week and about 20 messages. So sure I did that same thing in a condensed two days but I think mathematically it hits a plateau where only so many people can see you and respond based on the number of people on the site at any given time and location. So that level of interest I don't think can me maintained over time unless you made it like a full time job.
       It also got me thinking about averages. Was I average or above? I became a little fixated on the idea of knowing is I was 4 or 5 stars (I had to be one of those because of that email). One day at the ocean I told Al about it. He was curious why I cared I said something about validation. He said something along the lines of "to the people who matter you're beautiful." I started doing research on averages for the site it makes sense that more attractive users get more views and messages. People self reported as "maybe 1 message a week and about 20 views " I'm guessing these are 3 star people. Then a large number reported, what I had noticed in my normal not experiment days, about 20 messages a week and about 110 profile views. It seemed through all the blogs and threads I read these 2 categories seemed to be the norm.
       I also came across this girl who changed her profile 5 times with completely different looks goth, vintage, no makeup, etc. She kept all the content the same but only changed the images. She got drastically different responses for each look but it seemed the most traditionally feminine picture had the most positive responses, there is a part of me that also wants to try that out.
      I do almost everything because I'm curious about the "how" and "why" of it all. The 48 hour experiment didn't prove anything groundbreaking in this revolutionary idea of discovering something. It did however help me further look at my objectives and how I go about dating. Overall it was more insightful for me to learn about myself then it was to learn about the okcupid community. About a week ago okcupid gave me a 24 hour countdown complete with ticker for their "special" return to A-List offer. Where I would get 5 free boosts for signing up and paying for A-list. Like it was some magic prize that could lead me to my one true match. I rolled my eyes the only experiment I want to be a part of, for awhile at least, is the one where I grow as a person.

Throwing Away A Heart

         Sometimes I am so utterly shocked at the disregard we as humans have for one anther's well being. This post could go in many directions, activism, politics, general human decency, but of course I tend to be most fascinated by the well being of the heart. To know you hold a part of someones heart in your hand and decide to let is slip from your fingers tips, to throw it away would show intent- enough to dispose of it properly, no to release carelessly. It's such a strange concept to me and so foreign because I don't think I could ever be so careless with someone elses heart, or part of their soul.
          There are the people we throw away. Maybe they did you dirty so you have no interest in keeping them in your life. So with a few easy steps you take that part and efficiently place it in the nearest trash receptacle. You are rid of them and maybe even better for it. There is no looking back with a ting of nostalgia they played a part in your life for a time and they no longer do. You are more then fine with this decision and maybe are even happy to be no longer keeping any part of them.
         The other people are the ones we let slowly slip from the firm grasp we held down the palm right over the last bump of the fingertip and then as if the air cradles it the heart slowly falls to the ground. The process was so slow so minute you may not even be aware that part is gone until you've walked several steps away and realize your hand is so much lighter. You think- should I go back? Do I need that? You pause and reflect. You decide you no longer want a part of that person anymore so you keep moving forward first with trepidation and then just a few steps later it as if it never happened.

          People come and go from our lives that is how it is. Nothing is stagnant the world is always changing and moving. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone who intends to be a "fixed" point in all that madness. In marriage for example you're making a promise to, to the best of your abilities, always remain with that person. A parent tends, for most people, to be someone who you think of as "always going to be there." If you don't have any "fixed" people I think it's easy to get quite lost. The answer would be to be so strong and self reliant that you could function as one soul in and of yourself. I don't know if I believe that's even possible- we need people.
      Without going into detail, because I haven't been given permission to say, 3 specific instances come to mind that have happen to people in my inner circle this year. Each illuminate a part of a puzzle that is driving me, to be honest, slightly mad.
1. A long term partner after making "commitments" towards future plans as a couple leaves the partnership entirely. They must have been having doubts for some time but they leave the unassuming partner taken aback. Not only do they still string along the person they secretly have been sleeping with a mutual friend. Why make those promises in the first place? Why go down a path you don't actually want to take?
2. After 2 years worth of back and forth flirting endless sexual tension and emotional companionship two individuals finally get into something resembling a "relationship." The person who was always more reserved finally caved and is initiating the dating the other wanted all along. Then 1 month in breaks off the entire thing, without consulting the partner, and tries to go back to life as if it never happened. Leaving the partner who has wanted this for 2 whole years devastated in their wake.
3. A guy casually meets a girl and starts to like her. As a general rule he doesn't really "go steady" but she initiates the committed partnership. Things progress and deepen for 2 months. After making plans that morning the guy receives a text in two short lines saying were done i'm getting back with my ex and is blocked from all communication with her.
       Any of these situations alone, especially to the people who lived them, are devastating. However as an outside observer seeing the grander picture of bullshit I can't stomach it. I have literally cried for my friends because I see the direct and complete pain they've experienced. In all cases the following happen
A- no consultation with the partner before making epic changes in their situation
B- a lack of openness about where they were emotionally etc
C- the ability to callously leave the other with no answers as to why they behaved the way they did

Jane Austen pointedly wrote “There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.” 

    It makes me sad that the truth and honesty we are all looking for in a partnership doesn't exist in most modern relationships. Maybe it's the age of people I'm around, although I do seek guidance and opinions from older acquaintances Why? Why? Why?Why do we treat each other with so little care? We are humans with emotions, and baggage, and feelings that factor into everything. How can you eradicate a partner like that?I have no conclusion to tie this blog up in a pretty little bow- I've learned nothing. I will continue to question and wonder about a problem with no foreseeable conclusion other then I will commit to always trying my best to be mindful when I hold someones heart in my hand.

When a Romantic Becomes A Realist

          All night I've been thinking.With my headphones on running down Laurel listening to Florence and the Machine's Shake it Out I was thinking. My heart racing so fast and my bodies desire to run run run. The lyrics of the song streaming through my mind

"And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart

 'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa"

My mind replaying all the times I wish I could have cut out my heart and just hit restart. Sure we can learn them sometimes it takes 5 tries just to learn the same damn lesson you didn't learn the first 4 times. Yes that's growing- but it's also pain.
        What do you want to say I kept asking myself???  I was thinking about how hard is to be a dreamer when the world just tries to make you conform. Just write it down I would tell myself from the one block to the next. But what is YOUR point I'd contour. I was running to think- I was running to escape- I was running so I felt the cool heavenly breeze stream across my face- I was running to feel free. I finally came back to the one word that's been nagging at me the past few months and was a straight up a nuisance to my psyche the past 5 years- HOPE.
        Most of the time hope is associated with beautiful things "the hope you'll get into a good school" or "the hope you'll have a good time at the party." But what happens when hope actually becomes the thing that holds you back?

       After reading the above paragraphs it shouldn't be too surprising that I do some of my best thinking while walking. 2 months back I was on a stroll with a friend discussing her wedding and my love life. First of all, I was struck by the juxtaposition of our two situations as I always am when around people who are committing to each other for eternity and how far from that I am. In regards to a particular situation she asked "Is it done now?" to which I replied " Yes, I mean it's not totally yet but I want it to be." In her most therapeutic (you can leave the Center but it never leaves you) voice she says "If you really want it to be over.... you have to kill the hope." "Whaaaaat?" I gasped laughing as I tried to process the concept. "I know it sounds harsh but as long as you have hope it will never be done." It wasn't like that at the precise moment in time it happened but it's always the seed of an idea that changes everything- doesn't it?
        She learned the idea from a book When Thing Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron and thanks to the power of the Internet I found the exact quote:
“Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what is going on, but that there is something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.” SO by holding on to the hope in the future this person will love me/will change/will awaken to their feelings or whatever therefore you are completely limiting yourself to the potential present experiences.
      From this point on this idea marinated, then sunk deep into my brain, the result being I have actively tried to kill all hope. Every time even a glimmer of hope happened I allowed the realist in me to crush it like a bug. I told a friend (again thanks to the power of the Internet I can quote myself directly) "I'm no longer a romantic time has made me a realist. Safety and security over grand gestures and epic moments of bliss." I meant it as much as a romantic who is trying to see her world for its realities could. I meant that with every fiber of my being I do not want to hope.
       For awhile it worked quite well. Sometimes it takes you a month to learn the lesson sometimes years. I started talking to someone amazing and every day I'd check in with myself are you being present? are you focusing on the here and now and not some imagined future? Every time I would daydream about us together specifically having him coming with me to my friends pre-mentioned wedding in Santa Barbara (possibly one of the most well known romantic weekends away in LA)  I would stop myself and think "is that a present reality- NO"and then I would do everything in my power to let it go. 
       Would I say I have mastered this life lesson? No not in a million years. A romantic will always under all the bullshit, all the broken hearts, and all the disappointments still be a romantic. However she can get up every day and try to not let her imagination run wild, to try and understand peoples actions are always more telling then their words, and to en-grain in her heart that if someone truly wants to be with you, all malarkey aside, they will. So when I ask myself when does a romantic become a realist....when she finally kills the hope.

Just for laughs

My Ten Best

My French Cafe Ensemble

         I was joking around with my friend Maura that the way through my heart is by complements. I was..... let me re phrase that.... only half joking when I told my friend Maura that the way through my heart is by compliments.That conversation got me thinking- what are the best compliments i've ever received? So since that point when ever I got a really great one i've written them here and now I finally have 10 so bare with me while my less then subtle side shines through. I am an actress after all so I do tend to relish in attention :)

"your hat it reminds me of that prince song and your outfit looks like you've been at lunch at a 1950's Paris Cafe"

"I've never met Patty but I know her daughter very well and I feel like through Shannon I know Patty"

"your painting looks like a Van Gogh"

"You're always so well accessorized and have such a great smile and so kind. The highlight of my week is seeing you"

Vargas's Painting of Me

"She is like the Beyonce of SCCC she's got all the personality and all the pizazz she doesn't need anyone else"

"I love your blog it's so inspiring"

"I've been dreaming about how to paint those eyes all week"

"You look like you stepped right out of the pages of The Great Gatsby novel and into the modern world"

"Shannon has the most creative imagination"


In regards to my Joan Harris Halloween costume: "I LOVE you for this for so many reasons. P.s. your dress is actually better AND you look better haha" 

         In this crazy world we barely ever take the time to acknowledge one another and it's even rarer to have someone genuinely see you and give you a truly honest heartfelt compliment. I cherish these words because it helps me understand how the people I interact with see me. I feel honored that in my life there are people who are kind and sweet to me and not everyone has that. So here's a challenge when you are going about your day try and notice the people around you maybe their unique style, a work accomplishment, or something about them you've always adored and tell them. I'm sure it will make them happy and you can walk away knowing you made the world a little more beautiful that day. Go! Be Brave! Be Kind! Make Someone's Day!

The Economics of Sex & Modern Relationships

        For anyone who reads my blog even casually you know I've been trying to wrap my head around some of the biggest "trends" I see in the dating world. I use my personal experience along with stories from others, mostly girls, the occasional input from men, and random thing I come across on the web. There was never anything that more succinctly stated the state of the modern relationship conundrum then this video.



                                                      The Economics of Sex:

         Of course there are some major flaws in this concept 1- They are only considering heterosexual relationships. 2- That all woman's ultimate goal is marriage. I think most people can agree there is a wide variety of other elements to consider but in this specific situation I found it to be alarmingly accurate. When the supply and demand aspects of economics is applied to relationships can we actually see where the contradiction lies?

        I was blown away by an extremely devastating event that happened to a friend recently in her relationship. After years of living with and recently purchasing a dog with her boyfriend he cheated on her with a mutual friend of theirs. The shock wasn't about their partnership working out but about how he conducted ending it- basically by not. To be the person "leading" further commitment and then also be the person to withdraw completely soon after seems absurd to me.

The Cowards Way Out:
Take responsibility for what you want and don't want and just say it. The truth may seem painful but deception is ALWAYS worse in the end. Especially if you have spent years with someone (this person has shared their life and journey with you) I think you owe it to them to treat them with courtesy and respect. Not owning your action and words is the cowards way out- you're better then that don't do it.

Playing the 1/2 in 1/2 Out Game:
To continue to lead someone on because you are not sure what you want is unfair. You can be bold and say "I'm confused about what i'm looking for right now can we take a break?" or "I need time to figure out my intentions and I don't want to hurt you in that process I need space." Instead we play the half in half out game. I will give you some attention and keep you hooked but I'm also going to push you away and remain disconnected. This is causing more grief to both parties then in necessary. If you need time to reflect take it the honorable way. 

Pigeon holing:
your my this -your my that- that individual is a whole person with a million facets to their being and personality. That's why humans are so beautiful because they are complex and amazing. To define someone in such a narrow way limits their potential and shouldn't we be trying to help everyone grown and learn as much as possible?

        What makes anybody think a girl will get out of bed at 12 am without makeup, without being dressed, get in a car and drive to a strangers house to meet for the first time and fuck? I don't doubt it happens because otherwise I wouldn't be getting asked this as often as I do.  That's not based on chemistry or connection or even lust it's basically a step below paid sex...... both people are essentially "paying for it" in different ways. Perhaps a moment of intimacy is one persons pay out and the other a moment of pleasure. I'm not judging it when 2 people consent to that but I'm curious what that does for everyone else.
       I'm thinking of the people who want to meet someone in person before deciding if they would sleep with them or not. The people who want to be seen for other aspects of their personality and not just their sexuality. The people who may want something more tangible and less fleeting. If men can get sex by doing essentially nothing other then asking why would they try harder? I don't blame them I blame us for being so swayed by the tiniest morale of affection.
       I don't hear from my girlfriends (i'm sure it happens with both sexes) "oh we went to the beach and we had a great time just talking and hanging out." I hear "We were going to go out and then I said i'm excited to meet you and then I never heard another word from him ever again" I am flabbergasted that a human can feel that it is okay to just disregard another person like that, like trash they no longer want. That the other human being is not even worth the common courtesy of a response. I get even more floured when PERSON A initiates the asking out PERSON B accepts and then PERSON A vanishes from the face of the earth. What happened there ?!?!? What are you thinking ?!?!? it leads me to believe they never even knew what they wanted in the first place.
     How can people find out what they do and don't want in a potential relationship??? GO ON A DATE! That is the whole point! That's why courting has been going on as long as it has people want to discover/find out what they are looking for in a partner. Getting into bed with someone only really tells you one thing: if there good in bed or not. Going on a date on the other hand tells you an abundance of information. Yes it's scary trust me everybody is nervous before a date but that's why practice takes off the pressure. 
     Now this is as far as my experience goes but the same thing occurs in these "committed" relationships I hear. PERSON A: i've been serious about considering marrying you I may have even bought a ring PERSON B: great i totally love you and would marry you PERSON A: Let's break up I think i'm going date this girl in a band I saw once and marry her instead. Whaaaaat? If you don't know what you want then you will only hurt others later on by misleading them with your wishy washy demeanor. You should only enter into something serious with 100% conviction. You made a choice that this is the decision you're making. Of course life happened and sure things change, that's fine, but be aware of it and be honest about it from jump and we'll have a lot let broken hearted confused people out there! 

Celebrity Deaths and Our Relationship to Loss

       

             I, like most people in my generation, was struck deeply when the news of Robin Williams death became public. Here is a man, a mere mortal, who become legend. There are few names that strike such a chord in the heart of many that can inflict such mass emotion when spoken. Especially when coupled with one word that has become so taboo in our society- suicide. In this post I am about to say some things that I know most people won't be able to understand or empathize with. It may also seem to discredit the pain in which many people are feeling with his passing. My intent is only to reflect on my own ideas and beliefs on death as a way to process the impact of his loss for myself and maybe others.

          Although nothing is proven at this point it's believed that Robin may have chosen to end his life. I think it's important to honor the darkness that lives in us all. Sure it is easy to look at a man of such character and recall all the times he inspired you, made you laugh, taught us something about life in the roles he played. That was half the man. The other more private side was open about sharing his challenges with cocaine and alcohol over the course of his life. He describes alcoholism as “It’s just literally being afraid. And you think, oh, [the alcohol] will ease the fear. And it doesn’t.” What was he afraid of? “Everything. It’s just a general all-round arggghhh. It’s fearfulness and anxiety.” That is a part of him as much as anything else.
            So what happens when one man, one human's passing, collectively sends the western world into a state of shock and sadness?  I think death, in general, makes people feel raw and unsafe a reminder of our ultimate demise- nobody wants that. We want to believe we will go on forever and the marker of our success is in job accomplishments, family, and things. I believe each day if a cause for celebration you have been given a gift and it should be honored not wasted. When you think of a death as only a tragic loss and that person should be cherished in remembrance in the deepest most heartfelt way you are minimizing a life to only one part of that's soul journey. I believe in reincarnation so to me one death is a chapter not the whole story.

           Where I start to ruminate on his passing I think of this idea of a mass scale loss versus one of a personal nature such as loosing someone very dear to you. When I went on facebook at about 4:40 my entire feed was news or commentary on his passing. People don't know how to "deal with" and process these feelings so they divulge and do so quickly in hopes of riding themselves of the pain or to somehow find meaning in it. I tried to wait and give myself time to actually look at how it made me feel. Leading to me, 5 hours later, pouring this all out onto a blog.
          As much as I tried to fight it I became angry. Robin was an inspiration to so many people but what about loosing a mother. Arguably a mother is the person most dear to you, the most influential in your life and upbringing (for some- I know this is not the case for all) , and the biggest lost I have ever known. The same can be applied for a father, or sibling, or grandparent anybody who raised you and truly influenced the person you are today- I mean them. The pain of loosing that person is unimaginable unless you've lived it. Why do people so strongly identify with a loss that is not "directly" connected to them? It's the same reason we have celebrities at all we identify with something they have that we want, need, or relate to. It's not really fair to compare the two kinds of loss because they're like apple and oranges under the same umbrella category of grief. I still couldn't help myself from thinking "wait till you loose someone you really love then you'll see." Ultimately that's selfish because who am I judge how much someone's loss effect another- I certainly should not.
            My friend Saman likened Robin to a wounded warrior "you see a man who smiles and laughs and jokes and carries a sadness with him all along, it hits a part of me where I imagine being taken by my art, because it is the only thing that temporarily makes me feel less suffering. For me he was a warrior in many ways, and said himself in many interviews, that he was fighting demons throughout all his acts." As I read more and more comments on facebook I see the different ways in which this man impacted people's lives. Or rather how they interpret one man's life/work/character and then subsequently how it effects their life. 
         Why do people need to do this I wonder? Is it because they have no real schema and experience of tragedy in their own life? My mother's death made me look at my feelings on religion, rebirth, and the afterworld in a way I never could have conceived simply because it wasn't just a thought anymore it was reality. I think about my own death more as a result and I know other motherless daughters do to.  When you haven't experienced a loss like that you don't know how it is. Robin's death, or any celebrity passing, hits a part of you that in unexplored. A unexamined fear that shakes how you are currently looking at the world. You do not think of death you only think of living. When you experience death in a real way when you see it with your own eyes the idea of living becomes symbolically attached to the idea of dying. People are so little use to examining death and what comes next. I think it's shocking to them when it comes up in their faces.

<--  Saman and I had an hour long discussion about Robin's passing which spurred this whole piece because I realized I had so much I longed to say about it. Everyone feels the need to share and vent about this but it doesn't connect us like we want. We feel more isolated by it then ever. We long for a collective feeling that unites us but so stuck in the ideas of the finality of death and the idea of loss we can not overcome it. I think an aspect to it is that we don't get to be there for the funeral and wish his loved ones a sincere "i'm so sorry for your loss" instead we only have the ability to share with one another our sadness.  In response to that Saman said "Yes, the ending of the self. Ceasing to exist. Robin now only exists in my psyche, in my heart. It is a humbling experience to realize that something you once thought was yours can no longer be touched or seen but only felt by the heart."
      For me there are no answers in death only more questions which i'm not afraid to take a cold long hard look at. There is a beauty in death in sense that there is peace and the beginning of some new unknown phase. A soul does not cease to exists because it no longer resides in a living human body.
Maya Angelou says “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Robin Williams was one hell of a story teller and every part of his story, his joy and his darkness, is one we should honor.  

Thanks for the laughs old chap!

 

 

5 Things I Will Not Do After 2 AM

        
        There's a popular episode of the hit show How I Met Your Mother entitled "Nothing Good Happens After 2 Am."   There is even a tumblr feed dedicated to the concept. Sure that seems like it makes perfectly reasonable sense. One thinks to themselves if i'm very late the more chances I can get myself into a bit of trouble. Sometimes we go looking for that trouble we know "we shouldn't" but we can't help ourselves. So in order to help you navigate the murky waters of 2am please read the following guidelines......

1. WE ARE NOT FRIENDS: If we are not friends the other 24 hours of the day we certainly aren't friends only at 2 am. I understand it can be lonely all by yourself in bed at night- get a dog- or a girlfriend. I will support a friend through a drunken night of chaos or a breakup. I will curl up next to a friend and cuddle if they need a shoulder to cry on. I would also do that all the time anytime for a friend. However if your ass is only lonely attempting to be my friend at 2 am you do not qualify- the end.

2. I WILL NOT GO TO YOUR HOUSE: Chances are I already have removed all my makeup, my day clothes, currently have my hair in a messy bun and have brushed my teeth. Unless you can guarantee something absolutely amazing out of this world (and no sex isn't usually a qualifier) I am not getting out of bed. Never mind the re-dressing and trying to look presentable now you want me to drive to you. In LA my first thought is always- and park where?!?!? There ain't parking spots in this city at 2 am your ass better just stay home.

3.THE AFTER PARTY IS NOT THAT GREAT:  I've been to a lot of really great parties in my day especially living in this city. There seems to be this dream that the exclusive few will go somewhere for the 5th round of partying magically match up with someone and find their way home in an air of bliss. This has never happened to me nor have I ever heard of it happening. Most of the time there's a few more cocktails or drugs to be had and then everyone is too tired or to fucked up to move. On the other hand if you go straight home you can still watch an episode of mad men before the sunrises.

 4. EVERYTHING IS CLOSED: There is a reason why everything but fast food places are closed at this hour. You should be home in bed! Fast food is the worst kind of "food" surely you will regret that double mac in the morning or if you're like someone very close to me you will find yourself waking up with toco meat squished into the side of your face. You won't remember  how good all those calories tasted and the grease will only add to the hangover. Try to say no to this one but yes I know it's particularly challenging after a night of madness.

5. I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU: If we did not spend the previous hours leading up to 2 am together this is not the hour for first contact. You are seemingly reducing someone to a booty call. If that is the pre established relationship by all means proceed. If this person is someone you actually may like or be interested be a good person. Do not treat them like a prostitute and ask properly in the morning like a gentlemen. I don't care how "horny" you are or how much "you want me" you should of thought of that before 2am.

I hope these tips will give you the strength to perverse against the desires that tempt you after 2am. In all fairness i'm writing this blog at 4 in the morning but i'm in my 20's I've still got some learning to do ;) 

The Buddha's Battle

       Back at the beginning of the year I made a determination to express myself creatively each day. At the time my intent was to jump start my acting career that had been on hold. However chanting has this amazing sneaky way of giving you other options that are so beyond your real of awareness. My new creative skill came out and surprised everyone as much as myself....I could rap. So as I started to share this information with people outside my inner circle I got lots of laughs but as soon as I rapped even a verse I could see there minds judgment change rather quickly.
       I began writing down lines almost everywhere at a stop light in LA traffic, riding the escalator into work, it seemed once the switch was turned out the flow just came pouring out! They range from partying, to my issues with the government, work, even about the more dark elements of my life I was astonished to say the least. So when Youth Month came about in the SGI I was asked to write a rap for it. Some of my pieces already had Buddhism infused language and I had been meaning to write a specifically Buddhist based rap so I put my mind to the task. About 5 hours over several days I wrote this:
The Buddha’s Battle
I’m trying to be the best kind of person I can be
A bright future is what I want to see
Just trying to figure out what I need
Never giving up this girl won’t concede

Where’s the line between need and want
Trying to understand the puzzle is starting to haunt
My mind, my dream, and everything between
I feel so swayed which way should I lean?

In this whole big city how can one stand out
Even the best would begin to doubt
If they had what it takes
To make a name for themselves

When the darkness overtakes the light
And it hurts to even put up a fight
That’s when you truly begin to see
Your own strength and the power of who you want to be

When it’s hard I remember I’ve got a buddha’s heart
And that’s it’s up to me to always do my part
When my mind whirls with all these questions
I chant to the gohonzen for some suggestions

CHORUS:  A buddha thinks with their heart and mind
                   To establish peace for all human kind
                   Fighting to do our human revolution
                   To change the world is our ultimate solution

We all want to effect Kosen rufu
But remember this undertaking starts with you
It just takes one person to stand up and create change
Don’t think small go big with your range

I know i’m reaching into depths of my heart and soul
to extract as much darkness as humanly possible
So I can shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know my horrendous plight

A true test of character isn’t the day you win
It’s about conquering the struggle and having the courage to begin
To live the fullest life you always imagined
To become your own hero and the stuff of legend

Because life isn’t a game of winners or losers
It’s made up of lovers forget the abusers
Ya gotta love one self before you can open it up
You can’t go any further till you fill up that cup

With positive energy and strong universal flow
Aiding your growth with nam myho renge kyo
You WERE meant for victory and don’t forget IT
Take a step towards the future now that’s the spirIT

CHORUS: A buddha thinks with their heart and mind
                  To establish peace for all human kind
                  Fighting to do our human revolution
                  To change the world is our ultimate solution

We are the bodisattvas of this earth
The ones who reach enlightenment and come back at birth
Ready for another life’s mission to complete
Thanking the universe for this chance to defeat

Generations of family karma and lessons to learn
To practice this buddhism gives you the chance to turn
All of that negativity into positive gain
And to know defeating those obstacles wasn’t in vain.

On March 16th Toda passed the torch to the youth
To create peace in this world and follow their truth
He encouraged all to fight for their own victory
And since that day it’s been part of SGI history

He shared his hopes and dreams with his disciples
And hoped they continue another cycle
Of bringing peace to this conflicted planet
To stop the wars, nuclear weapons and all the panic

In this day Ikeda asks us to illuminate all humanity
Through participating in an Sokka activity
The sutra says “seek the Buddha way”
So I’m asking you- can you start today?

I prepared to preform it all week by listening to the lyrics on my commute to work. Although I fell short of having it 100% memorized for the meeting it was still such an amazing joy to share one of my pieces in public. My goal is always to touch someones heart in any of my creative endeavors. So I think since I've preformed a rap I wrote in public that officially makes me a rapper! Stay tuned this is only the beginning......

"The Darkest Place" A Rap

So this is my most recent rap 2/19/14 I plan on posing older ones soon. It may seem a little depressive or morbid perhaps but its intent is to be a truthful expression of raw emotion.



It’s the darkest place I’ve been in since you left this earth
All of that madness has got me questioning my worth
Sometimes I begin to think it’s all to much to handle
That if I speak about what happened it will create a whole scandal

I’m struck that so many years later it could all still seem so strong
The trauma lives in your very essence till everything you ever know seems wrong
Trying to navigate the world when you can’t even tell which way is up and down
It all keeps spinning turning round and round

Even now my heart is beating so fast it’s like a hummingbird trapped In my chest
All I really want to do it lay my head down and let my body just rest
But my mind is running a million miles a minute
And I feel like I will loose it far surpassing my limit

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

Im always trying to reach into the depths of my body and soul
To extract as much darkness as humanly possible
Because with my whole being I truly want to shine with so much joyous light
That no one would ever know how horrendous has been my plight

When all they choose to see is perseverance and fortitude
I’m trying to ignore their ignorance and not fight back with a bitchy attitude
But no one can ever really understand unless they’ve lived it themselves
So, I just stay caged stuck in my own little compartmentalized cells

There’s no such thing as simply “getting over it” like you think   
That comment is the one that really takes me to the brink
If you could only relate with empathy instead of useless commentary
Nothing you say can take away that cloudy day at the cemetery

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found

How dare you claim that she feels of he feels more pain then the rest
Why was no one on my side I was left with this mass of stress
How can a daughter live in the world without her mother
Opinions from anyone and everyone it all began to smother

Lost, curled in a ball, body wrapped in a hand knit shawl
No one says a word they don’t want to make her bawl
Little did they know she had nothing left to feel
Just a vast expansive void and not enough time to heal

It’s taken 4 years and most of the darkness hasn’t gone away
So many times she’s tried, and hoped that this would be the day
To not forget the struggle but somehow make it more bearable
She’s left wondering at this point is she even repairable?

The darkest place is inside you
Better stand up and fight
Happiness has to be earned
That’s a life lesson were all gonna learn

CHORUS:
The darkest place can’t be unearthed in the shadows or the light
It lives deep inside you until the day you decide to stand up and fight
No need to go searching it will always come around
Happiness has to be earned it can’t really be found