Black VS White How Our Cops STILL See People

Dear World,
         I have had so much joy in my life since my friend moved to LA last week. He’s black but that never has been a factor in our friendship. To me I see his creative passion and determination. Today it has become a factor because this is NOT OKAY! For the umpteenth time in his life he had his shit thrown around and searched pinned and was in the back of a cop car simply because he’s black. It was santa monica blvd broad daylight and he was walking home from a dance audition- this is our city this is our world.
          Two days he ago he had a mini freak out when he realized I had been driving around knowingly with one head light out. I made a joke about my white girl privilege because “nothing has happened to me yet” he said “it would have with my black ass driving around this posh neighborhood.” I knew he was right his countless examples of incidents that have occurred in his life have proven to me how skewed our experiences are in relation to race. After every incident when I, in my ignorance, say “but why???  I don’t understand why?” he responds with a sincerely solum “I don’t know Sue i’m just black.”   
        When cases like Trayvon Martin happens it upsets me to the root of my social justice heart. For him it means to seal a fate that one day the same will happen to him. With each incident he fears more and more ‘will I be able to get away alive from this one?’ One wrong move, one mis judgment, and someone could kill him just because he’s living in a place, walking down a street, or happens to “look” like someone whose done something (only matching description... the color of his skin). 
          I walk around with no thought in mind that I’m going to be stopped unless I’m doing something wrong and I know it (carrying an open container of booze in my purse for hypothetical instance). He was so set on getting his California ID immediately upon getting here. I knew from HIS stories an ID becomes a golden ticket of proof that I “legally have a right to be here in this city/neighborhood see this card had an address and my name that WON’T show up on your database as a criminal.” He always walks with a small voice in his head saying beware they might stop you.
        He casually mentioned this morning his house key might be missing because of “his scuffle with the cops.” He didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to acknowledge that even here in Los Angeles once of the most diverse cities in America it was STILL HAPPENING. I had said when he debated moving here that “It’s different here there are so many kinds of people it shouldn’t be an issue.” I’ve been proven wrong as I sit here so saddened in my heart that he has to deal with this- again.
         I can’t claim to know what being randomly stopped, having my stuff thrown and searched by one cop, as i’m pinned up against a car by a second cop feels like. I do know what the back of a cop car feels like being cadged liked a wild animal whose been “bad” my crime had been being out past town curfew at 16- but what is his crime?!? They claimed the description was for a black man with braids. Well he is black but he has dreads. He is also one of the skinniest tinniest men with a bizarre sense of fashion that never screams “i’m up to no good.” Most likely there was no person they were looking for (they always say that) but “People with braids don’t walk around this neighborhood a lot” said one cop.

       He didn’t fit their vision of what the color of the neighborhood is suppose to look like. Even though he is EXACTLY what weho is.... proud, loud, gay, and amazing. If anything I don’t “fit” into what my area is as a straight, white, girl, who likes to stay home at night and watch Jane Austen movies. Either way all of that is JUDGEMENT- very skewed unrealistic judgement. I thought in this modern age most individuals were like me and saw people as people with different color skin but no longer were archaic to only see a person’s color not them as human being. To me he look likes someone who wouldn’t hurt a fly, got his bad boy stage out years ago, and is “hustling” in the best kind of ways for a future career in movies.
      The thing that confuses me the most is the elevated of aggression. Why toss his stuff, and throw him up against the car. Why anger- why hate? I’m sure there is a way to examine a bag, and question a person, without all the added hostility. There has to be a different way- this is 2013 not the 50’s. Most importantly please beware this is still happening all the time and not just dramatized media coverage on the TV but in real life like 3 blocks from by apartment with my best friend who happens to be black, have dreads, and kinda sorta looks like a guy the cops “might” be looking for. We allow this to happen in the name of safety but who is really getting hurt in the end?

This is just a small clip at the end of the incident there is "no explanation" of why no specifics just vague BS.

Breaking the Rose Colored Glasses

For those of you who don't know this slightly dated phrase:

rose-coloured glasses  (British & Australian) also rose-colored glasses/rose-coloured spectacles (American & Australian/British)

 -if someone thinks about or looks at something with rose-coloured glasses, they think it is more pleasant than it really is. She's nostalgic for a past that she sees through rose-colored glasses.

** Press Play and listen while reading to get the post's full effect **

      "La Vie En Rose" is a famous Edith Piaf she sings  "Je vois la vie en rose" (I see life in pink). I always identified with this idiom. I am a dreamer, an idealists, and sometimes in a slightly unhealthy way choose to see the world through rose colored glasses. I've chalked it up to being "my nature" and allowed myself to be swept into a dream at times. It doesn't matter so much if the "dream" was once based in truth sometimes the most lovely of stories is spoken then gets exaggerated till it takes on a life of it's own becoming a whole new story indeed.

      This week I was reconsidering some of the major events I've choosen to see with a nice large pair of heart shaped rose colored glasses. I could go into detail but that would give away part of my novel (River Song: SPOILERS) so you must be content to take my word for it. It's not so important to know what events I looked at but more so that I NO LONGER wish to see them that way.

     In Buddhism we have this idea that you must look as yourself clearly and only then can you see the reality of your situation. "Nichiren Daishonin stressed the importance of self-knowledge and inscribed the Gohonzon – that is, the object of devotion—as a mirror to reflect our true self, our innate Buddhahood. He goes so far as to say, “No other knowledge is purposeful” " So how can one see themselves clearly if they are looking at their world in a tainted way ?!?!? The answer is... THEY CAN'T!!!

      So I A) Identified the idea/dream that I wanted to change B) Looked at my role in perpetuating that ideal C) Decided to try and change it-    Sure now that's all well and good but what's left? I still felt crushed, angry, confused and exasperated. When in doubt it's best to get advice from someone older and wiser then you. Our Men's Division Leader and amazing actor Ron Glass indulged me tonight when I asked "If someone is deep in the world of anger how do they change that poison into medicine?". The following is not a direct quote but a compilation of a few various things he said:

 "We are seeing the world through the prism of our own weakness. When we do this humanistic practice religiously nobody can sway our life condition. It's the inner transformation that allows us to deal with and have the wisdom to create value from our external circumstances. We should learn to use that anger to create value"

     I will willingly admit that I was in tears because it was exactly the guidance I needed to hear. It was a statement of hope but also change. At the end of the day we have to take responsibility for our own actions and the way we choose to see our world. I want to create value out of all the things I've experienced no matter how painful. I want to rip off the rose colored glasses and shatter them on a slab of concrete till they smash in a million tiny shards. It's important to me to identify the difference between something that actually is and something that I want it to be. I deserve the best kind of amazing story one that doesn't need a rosy tint to make it beautiful it will just inherently already be that way. I've officially broke the rose colored glasses, I hope they weren't Prada.

I made this little graphic as part of a future collage it fell out of my diary while I was writing today :)

    

It's Like Totally Primal

  

         There are just some things that we as humans don't really acknowledge in our daily day to day lives. Once thing I almost never think of is that fact I am a living breathing organism, a creature on this planet, a mammal with a high functioning brain capable of self thought and regulation. That more animal like side of our nature seems to lie dormant hidden behind cell phones and pre prepared food.  Try to picture yourself as a cave person what you have been a hunter or a gatherer? Were the cave girls walking around hiking up their loin cloths to attract the men!?!? No they used their senses and let pheromones guide the way. Instinctually we still have certain elements of that time in us like the fight or flight response. Or in a physical way we still have harry bodies and wisdom teeth we don't need that shit we got snuggys and utensils.      
         I'm very familiar with mating in the modern age and actually very well versed in dating in the 19th century (thank you extensive Jane Austen research) but we know nothing about our older ancestors. I guess when you're trying to survive all the time you probably don't have much time for threesomes and catty girl fights over who stole your man. Who am I to make assumptions maybe that's exactly what they did we'll never know (unless the Doctor does eventually find me and take me away for an adventure in the Tardis- still hoping)! We assume they were ruled by the more animal side and less cognitive. I on the other hand am always all up in my head and have to constantly remind myself to check in with what my body is telling me. This is most apparent when I'm realizing i'm spiraling into an anxiety attack of how some emotion i'm containing is messing up my health and well being. There are these rare moments in life when something seems to almost "trigger" something deep within us.
       I had a really exhausting day at work mentally and physically. I got yelled at and bullied and my senses were on overdrive from this god awful ringer on our new phone system. I was telling a guy who i've known for some time now a little about the ordeal. He got all manly and serious and said "You just give me names and addresses and I will take care of it for you. No one gets to make you feel bad." Was he half joking yes (if we was fully serious I would be scared) was he still half serious though-YES! I know if I had said the word he would have done it for me with out flinching but he is that kind of person a little rough and reactive but sweet. I countered "Don't joke I know you would" pointer finger out with a squinting silly mean face. He replied "Name the time and the place" and we both laughed.

It was a face kind of like this but more silly!

     Was it all in good fun- sure... but the more surprising aspect of the whole conversation was that it was kind of hot. Like I actually really enjoyed the idea that this guy would defend my honor by physically kicking some one's ass. Which is totally contrary to my beliefs as a Buddhist who is against violence completely! What made this incident even more interesting to me was the fact I had literally just the night before watched an episode of Louie called "Bully" (which can be found on netflix) where on a date he didn't stand up to this punk kid who was giving him a hard time. His date went from being totally DTF to turned off. She's surprised he's surprised and she chalks it up to primal instincts and goes home in a cab. I laughed because I thought that would never happen in real life like that- until it did- today but in the reverse. It only further proved to me that you will never truly know how you will react in any given situation until you are really in it.
      Years ago when my mom was gushing breast junk out of a tube I was able to pull my shit together and get her to the hospital- not everyone can do that, trust me. I can preform well under immense pressure but then my first time in front of a gigantic Hollywood camera as an extra I was mesmerized like a deer in head lights staring straight at the camera (the biggest don't rule in film acting)- point is you NEVER KNOW. So here I was looking at this guy thinking about this hypothetical ass whooping and I was impressed. My reaction was not only shocking to me but made me re question my ideas about pacifism. Apparently somewhere deep inside me the urge for either protection or a domineering fight for survival still exists.
      Maybe it's because i'm getting in touch with my personal more angry side. Or perhaps it's simply because it was nice to think someone would go to such lengths to protect me because they care. Either way it brought to my awareness something that probably deserves a little self reflection- luckily I'm one of those mammals with a super awesome pattern of brain schema's to help me put it all together- thanks evolution! 

The Human Emotion Barometer

So at the group last week the facilitator made this analogy about humans keeping an emotion barometer in a clear white tube all throughout their gut to their throat. The idea goes something like this.....
A a baby we just flat out express ourselves. If we are hungry we cry if something makes us happy we laugh it's simple, pure, true to the present moment, and 100% natural.
As a toddler we start to filter our emotions maybe a child takes away your favorite toy so you start to cry and an adult comes along and says "stop crying" this scares you so you stop and that emotion goes into your inner emotional tube.
As a kid you have more and more experiences and society teaches you the rules on how to be and not be. You look to peers and parents for affirmation you're doing "the right thing" anything that is deemed "the wrong thing" you keep inside you and your inner emotions fill up more and more
As a teen you are just frickin full of emotions and are still learning ways to express them in a healthy way at the same time your body is changing, your hormones are crazy, and you think you know everything which leaves you a hot mess- super filling up that tube.
As an adult you've now learned many things but you also have "learned"(behavior forming) things that make you present yourself in a particular away. You filter yourself, your environment, and push away all the things that don't fit into you definition of what you want to acknowledge (or if your one of the lucky ones you work on a path of inner peace :) so that tube stars getting filled to the brim.

Let's take me- I'm "sweet" the number one word people always use to describe me is sweet. After a few years of a friendship I get creative or witty but from casual acquaintances it is ALWAYS sweet. Can one person really be sweet all the time?!?!?
The answer: HELL NO!
        The emotion i'm most notorious for holding in is anger. For more thoughts on that see my past post The "Hulk" In You I remember in 7th grade my teacher yelled at me for chatting and I cried! I was so embarrassed I was 14 and crying because I got yelled at. To this day I do no do well with authoritative yelling (the army would be my personal hell). My frustration at something usually results in floods and floods of tears. Last week when I was denied something I very much needed all that could come out was tears I was sooooooooooo angry. I was not sad but I was so frustrated and the only way I could express myself was an outpouring of emotion via my tear ducts.
    Which brings me back to the emotional barometer. After years and years of containing all these emotions you have there reaches a point where you can just no longer take it and a release is inevitable. The extreme would be going bat shit crazy and like killing someone or getting drunk and spewing out all you deep dark thoughts about everyone and everything. Some people never "release" it and those are those high strung people who yell at traffic, the waitress, and anybody who crosses their path.
    On my journey one of the things that has helped me more then anything else throughout the years is writing letters. For me it provides a way to say everything I truly want to say without the other person's reaction in my face (which can seriously deter you from speaking your honest inner truth in person) I don't often give these letters to people which is a shame because the language is often very powerful, intense, and poetic. I've been sick for the past few months and my body literally started to reject anything I ate yet I gained a ton of weight clearly I was a mess. For me whenever the body goes haywire the solution is acupuncture and some serious talk therapy!
     I was warned that sometimes an outpouring of emotion comes after the treatment and I remember having immediate responses when I did acupuncture back in MA. At first I just came home and had the urge to write in my diary (yes I actually do right things not on the internet that I intend no one to see ever).  Then I felt the need to write a letter and then another then a third... at this point I was like you need to stop you have to go to work. So I dropped it for about 6 hours when I got home I went to continue my nightly routine of chanting, checking my sites, and Orange is the New Black ( seriously have you watched it yet it's sooo good)  but I felt strongly compelled to pick up that note pad again- the result... 5 more letters.
     I was truly shocked the only thing that made me stop writing was the fact it was 3 AM my writing looked like a 3 year olds and was completely illegible, and my eyes were swollen almost entirely shut from the tears. That probably sounds terrible but it was actually super amazing!!! It was so intensely cathartic and I felt like I was truly expressing myself for the first time in months. There was nothing "sweet" about it most of it was pure anger coming out in poetic lines of rage and it felt heavenly. After a second treatment it only went deeper which really helped me re define what I was angry about, the triggers, and what it all stemmed from.
     My emotional barometer was almost entirely shattered or at least seriously dumped out into like a sewer pit of shit. It was like everything I've been holding in about my Mom's death, my past loves, my current situation- everything was expelled. It was out on the table for only me to see so I could take a real hard deep look and put it back together in some semblance of inner sanity. There truly is something to be said for laying out all your cards on the table. So I took care of some Mom stuff with the group, got out all this inner rage through the letters, and I've taken steps to be more aware of how I hide the anger from myself and push it deep down inside me. I don't want to look back in another 2 years filled to the brim again with emotion. I want to live a life of truth it's all I've ever wanted and it's what I will strive for every day of my existence. How full is your human emotional barometer??? This chicks is looking a little full.....

I don't know if i've ever experienced an "emofunk" but it sounds kinda fun!

Motherless Daughters: Week Eight

      So I have been on the most amazing journey of coming to terms with how mother loss has effected me and how it will continue to do so in my future. Every thought, fear, feeling I've had about losing my Mom so young these woman have also had. I went from feeling like a weird leper that no one understand to a sisterhood of women who get me more then anyone else ever could. They don't have to just have sympathy because they lived it so they actually know. I'm not claiming to be "over it" or that i've "moved on" because now I know it doesn't work like that. There are major moments in a women's life when we just NEED our mothers end of story. Sometimes we are lucky enough to get mother substitutes but it will never compare to the moment you find out you're pregnant and you just want to pick up the phone and call your Mom.
     On my last week (some girls are still going) we talked about what was are greatest benefit what did we learn from the group etc. I already mentioned mine which was being with others who knew how I felt. The other aspect that was truly worth it was to see how mother loss effected everyone at these key major life moments. Even though i'm not getting married, thinking about if I want to have a kid, or having one right now it hasn't stopped me thinking about how the loss will effect all of those moments for me. It's impossible for the mind not to go there because since childhood we imagine those moments with our Mother in that lineage of female legacy. To not have her there means we have to re-imagine how those moments will be no longer the fantasy we once imagined but a colder harder truth.
    I saw through them how those life changing moments were being effected by the loss and the thoughts they shared were the thoughts I had when thinking about "how it will be." You might say there's no point in all this pre planning but it's impossible for someone who knows how transient life is not to go there we know how precious and how little of life we get. I wish I could share specific details of how much each of them have helped me but it's just too personal to share their stories with you (and totally a breech of confidentiality). Needless to say each of the woman have a deep place in my heart now and I will never forget their impact on me.
    Overall I allowed myself to go to that place that is super painful and raw. To talk about the things that no one else will ever let me talk about. Or if they do they can't even comprehend what it is actually like for me and no matter how much they want to help it's just "not the right thing" to say. I feel like a huge burden of suffering i've been carrying on her behalf is lifted basically because I've now accepted that this loss has a life long impact and it's never really goes away just eases. Before I felt like I had to put it behind and move on where now I am trying to incorporate it into my life without such a big dramatic to do. I miss her love, her support, her views on life, and the subtle way she would teach me life lessons. I want to thank my Aunt Sheila for giving me the funds to participate, Irene for leading this endeavor, and the lovely woman who made these past 8 weeks truly life changing. Words can't express how grateful I truly am- merci beacoup xoxox ~S~

Did you get married ?!?!

      I have one really nice ring that does indeed look like it could be an engagement ring. I absolutely adore it. When I was in high school I really wanted a traditional class ring- always so nostalgic. My cousin even had a ring dance where they were given out with flourish. My Dad however said he wanted to buy me a "real" ring one that I would actually want to wear 10 years after high school. At the time I kind of pouted till we were on a cruise going to a "special dealer" a friend of a friend knew or something (my father always has a friend of a friend for everything- even apparently jewelers in St Martin). The waiting throughout the trip was anguish because we went by many a fine shop but when we finally did it was worth it. They sat me in a high chair and served us Mimosas. They would bring out a tray and I would say I like this cut, this design etc. the shop owner said he had "just the thing- bold and romantic" and boy was he right. I never loved a piece of Jewelry that much and I still don't have anything that come close to measuring up.

        The stone is called Tanzanite a rare gem that is only mined in Tanzania and not found anywhere else in the world and it's surrounded by diamonds it could indeed be an engagement ring. I wore it the rest of high school and into college and never once was questioned about it. When I came to LA I started getting bothered by it being on my right hand - it would hit the jewelry counters at work, get caught when putting out the scarfs etc. It was worse at my desk job constantly brushing the calender, dirty money, and getting caught in the phone cord. So I made a decision to start wearing it on my left hand and that's when all the questions happened. At least once a day when I would wear it someone would say "Are you engaged?" complete strangers asking- even people know know me "Did you get married" ( like what secretly over the weekend in Vegas?). As an unmarried women I found this annoying- no I'm not engaged- no I didn't get married- yes I realize it's on the left hand- I do understand that "means" i'm married etc. So then when people asked I started saying " I'm protesting the symbolism of the left hand meaning you must be married" I just want to wear it on that finger on that hand!
   One of the counselors asked "why are you wearing on the left hand guys aren't going to know your single and they won't ask you out" I said "Good I like wording off stupid people like that." Then just the other day "ya know wearing a ring on that finger implies you're married"- who does not know that?!?!? here's a brief history on how everyone does indeed know that

"Before medical science discovered how the circulatory system functioned, people believed that a vein of blood ran directly from the fourth finger on the left hand to the heart. (This belief allegedly dates to the 3rd century BC in Greece.) Because of the hand-heart connection, people named the putative vein descriptively vena amori, Latin for 'the vein of love'. Due to this tradition, it became accepted to wear the wedding ring on this finger. By wearing rings on the fourth finger of their left hands, a married couple symbolically declares their eternal love for each other. This has now become a matter of tradition and etiquette.

In most Western cultures, the wedding ring is worn on the left hand. In some countries, however, such as Germany, Norway, and Chile, it is worn on the right hand. Orthodox Christians, Eastern Europeans and Jews also traditionally wear the wedding band on the right hand.
Etiquette frowns severely on the making of sexual overtures to a man or woman wearing a wedding ring."

       So no I'm not married and I do not plan on wearing this ring on any other finger because it's sized for my ring finger and it's annoying to wear on my right hand- the end.  The point of the post is not to bitch about this recent social norm that been appearing in my life but to bring awareness to the fact that we as human do things that are suppose to "mean something." However most of the time it's something we as humans have constructed ourselves. There is no set reason as to how to wear a ring but societal norms have dictated it to be that way. I think it's important to remember that not everything has be the way society tells us it should be. We all have our own minds and it's important to consider what is important for each of us in our own lives.

An Open Love Letter to the Bealtes

Dear George, Paul, Ringo, and John
        It's now year 2013 and i'm a basic 26 year old American girl attempting to live out her dreams in LA. I'm sad that I did not live during the revolution that was the British Invasion and subsequent tripped out days of the late 60's it totally would of been my jam. I wanted to send a letter of my deep appreciation for the amazing music you made together it is truly life changing. As a kid I always heard your music at the bars my parents dragged me to, blasting from the radio by the pool in the summer, and hummed by the random stranger walking by at the grocery store. It wasn't until my 20's did I really start to get into it more on my own. My best friend was a musician and we spent many a night at her gigs, friends gigs, and impromptu jam session by bonfires. When I backpacked through Europe I made sure to stop at Liverpool and check out where you lads grew up. Seeing instruments you actually played, walking down streets you traveled down, and spots your wrote about was exhilarating.

          When my Mom was dying of cancer my siblings and I would play Bealtes Rockband in our basement for hours. No one was allowed down and the C would couldn't be mentioned your music became our escape and our temporary joy. I always played guitar or bass I was super rubbish at drums. I got a kick out of trying to imitate your voices to try and get the perfect vocal score. We even did the day tripper completing the entire the game in one 24 period! We only slept 6 hours and our fingers had those insane gaming bumps on them.After she passed I would spend hours just listening to you music laying on my bed doing nothing but listening because I couldn't bring myself to do anything else.

          That Christmas I got the newly remastered entire discography that had just came out. My friend and I spent the next few days listening to the entire collection back to back leading up to new years. It was intense, fun, and at times mind boggling we both had really wanted to see the progression of the styles over time and boy did you guys really experiment and constantly explore your sound! I also listened to the entire collection (minus the Yellow Submarine Soundtrack that was only bearable once- sorry guys) on my way from Massachusetts to LA just me the long straight road west and your music. My first birthday here I ended up at a bar called Britannia where an Asian Beatles tribute band was playing and I was in heaven especially when they sang "Birthday" to me right at midnight. One older guy turned me as I danced and sang ALL the lyrics "How do you know all this" he asked. "I'm a super fan" I replied.

             The thing about the music is that there is a song for literally every mood and emotion you could be experiencing. Sometimes I would just hit Beatles shuffle and wait.... then a song would come on and I would be like "yes!" that's what I mean- those lyrics are incomparable.  "Here Comes the Sun" that first joy you feel after a long winter. "I Want You (she's so heavy) " that intense longing for someone you are so into. I could go on forever but those are my two favorites. Your sound changed so drastically over time and as you grew and changed so did the music and lyrics- the songs truly are masterpieces for the modern age. When I meet people from other countries they have Beatles stories as well and I'm enamored by the fact you have reached every inch of this plant with your music even so many years after the break up. I know if I ever have kids they will hear The Beatles as they grow and learn to love and appreciate the music as much as I do- it's a legacy I'm happy to pass down. George, Paul, Ringo, and John thank you for creating the most amazing music you've reached the heart of girl who could never thank you enough.
                                                                                                       All you need is LOVE,
                                                                                                                            Your fan Shannon ~S~