You Can Find Love Anywhere

         As I perused my fb profile pictures ( I was looking for one in particular don't judge) I came across the gem above posted on April 7, 2009. I remember making it thinking about all the beauty there was in the world. Those are photographs I took that year. How one could look around and with the right eye be open to finding at any moment. That was before my mom died, before my first real heartbreak, and before I discovered I don't need to seek out love- it's already within me.
     We are raised with idea that there is someone out there in the world who is meant for us and in the exact right moment at the exact right time we will meet and it will be magical. I don't know of any relationships that have started that way- I don't doubt they exist but they certainly aren't the norm.
Most people meet in the basic way- work, hobbies, or the ever popular bar scene ( as much as people knock it they all still do it). I met one of the most influential people in my life in a bar. We're innately social creatures, we want to meet people and be connected so why is it so tiresome to do that?
     There's something about LA that makes these kind of interactions particularly difficult. Most people are transplants all coming to live their dream and do coke while hitting on models at some party in the hills- or some similar variation of that scenario. They don't have groups of friends they can introduce you to or families. If "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main" then why aren't we more connected- I will blame iphones. I see the deep pain of loneliness everyday at work and not just in the clients! We all want connection and deep down even if it's not admitted out loud we want someone to share it with.
    My horoscope this week mentioned something along the lines of "Aquarius even thought it is hard for you because of your fiercely independent nature try to see the potential good in allowing yourself to be open to relationships" well isn't that easier said then done ?!?! For me there is a thin line from wanting to be able to secure and strong on my own and allowing myself to be truly open to someone else- to me that means trust. Personally trust is more precious then good lucks, funniness, and a a well paying job. When that trust is gone even a little consider me done and I'm out.
    So the question arises can you find really find love anywhere? The romantic in me is screaming YES! so for now i'm sticking with my 2009 logic "You can find love anywhere" and the search continues. 

Motherless Daughters Group: Week One

I found this really funny..I don't know why

        So I want to share a little about my experience without breaking the codes of confidentiality. First off I feel so excited, overjoyed, relieved to even be able to attend the meeting in the first place (thanks to a generous donation from the dead mommy fund). To be in a room with 7 other women who have all lost their mother before they turned 24 is really relieving. 7 people who understand exactly what I am feeling and who aren't trying to talk me out of those emotions. We are all at various stages of life from being the youngest single member (myself), to engaged, newly weds, soon to have kids, etc but all intertwined by this common thread- we don't have a living mother. Each story struck me- exact phrases I had uttered before coming out of the mouth of a stranger sitting across from me and piercing my heart. After years of no one else really "getting it" there are now 7 who do. There's a difference between empathy and sympathy that few probably realizing losing a parent  is one of those scenarios where empathy just doesn't cut it- sure it helps but it's just not the same. They are just as petrified about having kids as I am. They cried for months before their weddings. I don't even know these women yet, just their basic stories, but I already love them all- we're connected in a way that goes deeper. I'm excited for the next 3 weeks have in store. I'm a little apprehensive this will throw me deeper down the dark path i've been traveling but it's laced with a stronger element of hope for some type of closure. We've been promised pain but also laughter so emotional roller coaster here I come...I have one ticket to ride ~S~

The Keys to Surviving Solitude

1) Learn to Enjoy Your Own Company:
       Step One: Love Yourself this is harder then it sounds. Ya know when you beat yourself down- I should have done this - why aren't I doing that? what was the purpose of majoring in that degree? SHUT THAT OFF  it does no one any good especially your piece of mind/sanity.
      Step Two: Find activities that you can enjoy doing alone. For me it's hiking, reading, watching movies, painting, and practicing my British accent. I don't need anyone to have those things be fulfilling they just are because I truly enjoy them.
      Step Three: Appreciate Silence: We live in such a busy chaotic world it's such a rare thing to be still and do nothing. I'm always listening to music, chanting, thinking so loud I swear it's audible- quiet... such beautiful nothingness.

***When you can be alone and be perfectly content it is much easier to be by yourself for any length of time.

2) Find Something That Gives You Purpose:
   ( If you thought point 1 was hard you're in for another doozey)
    Step One: pin point what you are passionate about. For me it is, and always has been, acting- I enjoy it, I find it fulfilling, and it's challenging. When I can't do that pretty much anyway of being creative art, writing etc does a stand up replacement. What make you really want to get up and do something?
   Step Two: Takes steps to be able to do the things you love. Maybe your goal for the day is just going to the store to by supplies for your project. Maybe it's taking a few moments for self reflection. Whatever needs to be in place for you to do your passion counts as doing it - I repeat ALL SMALL STEPS COUNT
   Step Three: Do it- simple- do what you are passionate about!

***When you are actively involved in something you truly love you are fulfilled, content, and happy.

3) Change the Way You Think About Being Alone:
   Step One: No time for a pity party- life is too short. If you're at home thinking "why do I have no one to spend time with, hang out" etc  it is only inflicting a poor me mentality and no one wants to be around that. Seriously those  people who always complain never have friends because NO ONE ever wants to be around complainers.
   Step Two: "You have power over your mind-not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." Marcus Aurelius. You can't control a friend bailing last minute or the epic snow storm happening outside (wait I live in LA- scratch that example) but you can control how you feel about it. So let it be - RELAX- and enjoy your new found moment to do you.
   Step Three: Overcome that strong fear of being on your own. "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face..we must do that which we cannot" Eleanor Roosevelt. It's hard I get it were humans we fear abandonment, no one loving us, etc but shit happens living in fear is not living at all. We only have such precious time on this planet make it count- throw out fear and live every second doing what you want to do!

***When our mind makes us the victim, weak, or in fear you can change that negativity to help you learn to appreciate, grown and transform.

I'm not proclaiming to be an expert on this but in the past year and eight months I've kinda become well versed in the art of surviving solitude- so why not share some of this slowly acquired wisdom?  I think being able to appreciate the process is one of the signs of being a fully functional adult... at least that's what I keep telling my quite often lost 26 year old self! ~S~

Sorta Syndrome

Sorta Syndrome- that moment in a potentially romantic relationship when both parties aren't really sure where they stand and neither will comment/commit so it becomes the epically ambiguous, sorta syndrome.

This week it has become abundantly clear that I continuously get in these sorta relationships ALL OF THE TIME. When straight up asking my high school crush if he ever liked me his ingenious response was "sorta" at this pivotal confessional moment years and years of "sorta moments" all came clicking into place.

        I think in our minds it is like the movies when two people meet they exchange some sexy glances, partake in some witty banter, and somewhere in their hearts they just "know." Not just in a "i'm physically attracted to you way" but in a solid way of "yes we both are equally into each other." I personally have never know if anyone likes me, ever.  I only get an answer if I initiate and do the asking. The response is NEVER "yes I am so into you let's do this." I'm not sure humans are even capable of being that open and honest! Here are a few examples of common sorta syndrome scenarios:

1) I do love you but.... basically I care about you I know we're great together but I don't want to be with you as a couple.

2) Were such good friends I don't want to mess up what we already have.

3) Deny Deny Deny- I am in complete denial about how I actually feel. I'm too scared/overwhelmed/excited (insert appropriate adjective here) to even consider dating you.

4) We're already great companions why do we have to label anything can't we just leave good enough alone?


       I think part of it comes from knowing what you want. What are you looking for in a future partner? What are you own goals and ambitions and can this person help you be the best person you can be to achieve that? I tend to have very strong opinions about what I want and don't so there are very few things I'm unsure about- the way men feel about me is probably the only one. I just want to shout from the top of my lungs "DO YOU LIKE ME ?!?!?!" My roommate informed me the lack of an answer is an answer. The entire book He's just not that into you is about this but is it that simple?
        For me there are always questions and I can get very in my head about what is happening. I doubt everything now because when I was younger I grossly romanticized and protected my self through false ideas. I learned that my interpretations of what were going on and what were actually going on were two totally different realities. Then I met someone and thought surely they are as connected to me as I to them- they weren't. After that I dated someone who was physically connected to me but still detached mentally. I was left wondering- is that all there is (insert musical notes here)?????
        Now I'm 26 having the exact same conversation I have had so many times before. When a person looks at you and says "sorta" does that actually mean "no" or just "i'm not sure"? Either way it does not mean "YES" I'm still trying to figure all this out but I do know I want a man to look at me and when asked "Do you want to date me?" there response would be an overwhelming "HELL YES!"I am not even sure such a thing exists but I do know I don't want to settle for a life stuck in sorta syndrome. I am awesome, strong, and I look really cute even without makeup. I, like every women, deserves someone who sees every aspect of their personality the good and the bad and loves them all. He thinks “All the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class included all the girls in the world except her, and they had all the usual human feelings and were very ordinary girls; while the other class -herself alone- had no weaknesses and was superior to all humanity.”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Or for a more modern twist: "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love Like I'm the only one who knows your heart Only girl in the world..."  RIHANNA - ONLY GIRL

See I'm the kind of girl who can quote Tolstoy and Rihanna and somehow make that work- i'm cool- who wouldn't want to say "HELL YES" to dating me ?!?! :)

5 reasons why acupunture kicks ass

 

         So my body had been leading a revolt against me since the wisdom teeth removal a month ago. My abdomen ballooned out to epic proportions, I threw by back out, and the my wrist began flaring up again. I was loosing it and then I remembered a friend of a friend (Alex) who I met at a party does acupuncture. I'm pretty broke and thought of going to a traditional doctor did cross my mind but all I wanted was acupuncture. It transformed me 2 years ago after my mother's death and all that trauma/stress I endured in my body. I basically came to realize it was 100% necessary for my health and I went today. My body feels a gazillion times better!!! When I went in I could only lift my leg to about 35 degree angle when I left I could do a solid 90 on both legs! I have energy and the overall fluidity of my joints it also improved. So I would like to share 5 reasons why acupuncture is an amazing experience:

1) You get to feel the inside of your body like you can't in any other way I have experienced. Usually we only pay attention to our muscles and nerves  if they are in pain or we are working out. However when you're on the table (if you really relax and let you mind be still) you can feel the nerve paths, interconnectedness of you as a living organism, and literally the energy flowing through you. It's a surreal feeling that it totally unexplainable you've got to feel it to understand it.

2) Your body heals- enough said

3) The acupuncturist takes into account your entire being in terms of physical, mental, emotional health to create a full body healing plan. Unlike western doctors they don't judge or try to make you conform to their personal beliefs in your health. I am so NOT about judging so this really works for the way I think and want to be.

4) The feeling that you along with the acupuncturists knowledge/needles have the power to change and effect your condition is beyond reassuring. Sometimes we think "why is my back spasming again" or "why am I always feeling lethargic" the solution is in you. This is a key Buddhist idea to which is that you have are the ultimate influence to yourself. Sometimes pain is debilitating- I felt so lost in my own body the last month and now I feel present and grounded.

5) For me the practice also gives me an element of hope. Hope that I will heal- hope that I will feel better- and hope that I will be able to the dancer pose in yoga again sometime soon. Western medicine does not give me hope it diminishes me and makes me feel bad about where I am right now.

I feel so grateful for the experience I had today and much more ready to conquer the world.
If you're in LA and want to try it out get in touch with Alex: Balance Within Medical Acupuncture

3 very silly things i'll admit to doing today

1. I could not for the life of me get a new jar of peanut butter opened ( I tried 6 times over a day and a half) so I brought it to work knowing most likely there would be a man there to open it for me. The femenist in me is crying but hey I REALLY wanted peanut butter crackers....

2. After watching the first date episode of new girl I actually contemplated for a good few (ahem cough cough 5 or so) minutes which charector I was most like. I came to the conclusion I think it may be Nick- not Jess like I would want it be- who doesn't want to be Zoey Deschenel????
PS- If you said "No" you're lying

3. I almost bought a pair of underwear at work today because I have needed to do laundry for days and have used all my underwear including the uncomfortable thongs, gramas, and sexy lingerie...I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO LAUNDRY and all my quarter are gone.  I didn't but now that i'm pondering what to wear tomorrow i'm stuck with the fact I will have to laundry


Why would one post these more or less ridiculous things on the internet. Well...
A) No one I know is up right now so I have to tell someone
B) You have to find the small joys and pleasure in a day to make life worth something
C) People need to be silly to be happy so why not share my silly with the world since I want everyone to be happy! xoxo ~S~

Reclaiming My Heart

       What does one call a poem on a blog- is it still a poem or now a blog? or simply a poem on a blog.... After the events that have transpired this week I wrote this as an ode to my feelings and as a plan of action for my future.

Reclaiming My Heart

Today is the day I will do the impossible
I will let go of these men entirely
each part of them I have kept with me
is now released into the mystic universe
to find a home in someone new

I can no longer hold these men in my heart
there is too much suffering to contain them all
I once believed I was protecting their memory
as a token of gratitude I would still hold them dear
but what about me and my protection?

holding on feels safe and familiar
leaving no space for love to renew
we cannot keep someone en locked within us forever
no one has the right to own another’s heart
even one piece as small as it may be is too great

the heart belongs to the person beating it
they must standup to reclaim their heart