The Hidden Clues of OKCupid Dating

Let's be honest it's hard to meet people this day in age. We don't have dance halls where the youth get all dolled up and go to the local community center in hopes of getting asked to dance by "the one". We're too scared to date anyone from work for fear of lawsuits or firing. Just saying "the bar scene" elicits an eye roll and deep sigh. So what is left in this modern world- online dating. Either you love it or you hate it- either way I have heard/lived all the pros and cons. In this digital age it only seems like the "natural" progression of courtship. Throughout my search for love in LA I have gotten my fare share on insane messages from men. I keep the most ridiculous because it amuses me as a sort of social experiment I can show my kids one day "Look what mommy put up with before she found daddy." Just kidding many of the messages I received are too raunchy I dare not even post them here let alone young naive eyes. I also doubt I will have kids and this idea of finding "the one" so that leaves me seeking adventures! Learn from my social experiment and note that the italicized responses after the message are my thoughts not my actual responses because let's be honest I didn't respond to most of these- if I did it's in green.

1. Any mention or reference to "fun" is casual sex I really can't pin point an example where this isn't the case. If you look under the what i'm looking for 100% of the time casual sex is listed. This is also the same kind of guy who write under the top 6 things you can't live without 1.Sex     really come on (insert eye roll)
1a-"hang out" 90% of the time also means sex
Message from SuperDuperSex69 Mar 24, 2013 – 11:54pm
hey there, you're hot, want to hang out and have some fun? 
Can we play board games- I love board games they are totally fun!
Message from Hangingout06 Jan 6, 2013 – 12:00pm
One night of fun lol
Only one night- not a whole lifetime?This isn't forever?

 2.  Nothing is subtle in an online dating profile. You describe exactly what you are like, your interests, the type of person you want to be with etc The reality is most people just look at your photos find one common show or interest and say some random thing in a message. The tango of seduction that happens in the realm outside the profile window is a mirage online.
Message from m0nm Apr 25, 2013 – 12:55pm
hello there
You have a striking resemblance to the girl I lost my virginity to. I'm willing to make the same mistake twice, if ya know what im sayin
Ya I think it's actually pretty clear dude but thanks for the compliment (is that a compliment??)...

3. Persistence is not cute-when it's online it's called cyber stalking. It's not real life where someone can "grow on you" over time as you get to know them more and fall for their little quirks. If someone does not respond they are not interested if you REALLY think there could be something amazing there a second message is okay. Realize however you're then playing your dignity against chance but it may work out so take the gamble if you dare. Note in the following example the change of tactic, time span of these messages, and increasing lack of subtlety (see clue 2)
Message from ClarkNY Apr 14, 2013 – 10:45am
You are ravshing!I am intrigued by your profile! very romantic! buy you a cup of joe? clark

Apr 15, 2013 – 9:06am
you are simply ravishing! buy you a cup of joe or a drink?clark
 
May 2, 2013 – 12:57pm
killer profile!! entertaining .. Informative and shoot milk out of my nose hysterical ..
you have me curious.. clark

May 4, 2013 – 12:05pm
nice profile .. Easy on the eyes..
check me out .... Meet tonight ?
After message 2 and looking at my profile like once a day every day I did write "I'm not interested" he responded "why not" one month later he came back-dude do you think I wouldn't realize - he was also much older
The internet is not real life so don't act like it.

4 Don't claim to "know" something about the depth of some one's human soul by reading 4 perfectly edited paragraphs about them also from their own self perspective which is of course glowing.
Message from incububs Feb 11, 2013 – 2:02am
I want to know you. You seem like someone worth knowing. Every day I feel like I’m surrounded by people with hard edges and sour faces but I get the sense that you’re different. Too often people seem to think that they have the answers to everything. Their faces are trapped in permascowls and they can’t be bothered with anything besides their own narcissism. You aren’t like that.
I'm so glad my profile shows you such a deep understanding of who I am... for all you know I could be working a catfish angel and be a man in China with some cute girl from LA's photos....(this is done way more then I care to acknowledge have you seen catfish them people are cra cra)

5. Leading with a negative is never a good idea or your drug use/boozing. Why would you want to show someone your faults/bad attitude/ negativity before even saying hi? Of course I'm from the positive thinking realm of Buddhism but really positive attracts more positive and you want a date right? Here are numerous examples of this starting with a negative....
Message from CallMeBigCountry May 6, 2013 – 11:17pm
So for the fact that no one responds to my messages on here, I am going to save all the cheesy pick up lines and things like that  I am a music artist looking for friends out in the LA/Venice Beach area. I am pretty much the best music artist (link removed)That's a link to my music, check it out, and go through a few, cause I guarantee at least 1 will be awesome to you, I got songs in many different genres If you ever want to just chill and smoke on the beach with the coolest homeless music artist you have ever met, hit me up

Message from DavisAggie
You have really pretty Fun Loving Irish baby blue eyes. In contrast, mine are Soul-sucking joyless adulthood Asian brown. You can probably out drink me too...

Message from mrtnz1 May 31, 2013 – 3:10am
Hi I'm jorge... What do you dislike most about the dating process?

Message from Eskwire11 Jun 23, 2013 – 4:50am
Did u just view my profile and not say hi?? Big mistake lady... Biiiiiig mistake!!

Jun 23, 2013 – 11:36am
are you quoting pretty woman?!? lol

Jun 23, 2013 – 11:38am
Lol nope. But I did like that movie.. So it may have had an effect :) what u doin? I'm confused as to why we aren't dating.. It's a travesty
 That is a pretty women quote so now you're plagiarizing and criticizing me for not messaging you yes that is a winning combo for romance!

So let's recap here first of all everyone likes sex so there is nothing charming about straight up asking for it. The girls who want that kind of "relationship" make it pretty obvious on their profiles. I do appreciate that you are being truthful one guy said to me "I really just want a passionate threesome" which I respected and declined. You want to be original and focus on the awesome things you have that make unique and stand out. Remember NO means NO not let me insult you while sending you 5 more messages. Save the fun of getting to know the person for the actual date and be a gentleman/lady there will be plenty of time in the future to let that dark side out to play!  

Truth VS Seduction

 " I want this music and this dawn and the warmth of your cheek against mine" Rumi

       So I am reading this truly amazing book called if the Buddha dated: Finding love on a spiritual path. The book contains rumi quotes, Buddhist principles, and the concepts of loving kindness mashes it all together and bam your romantic views are changing. The main idea is Truth- Truth to you and what you are feeling and openness to all sides of yourself and the other person. That all sounds pretty frickin stellar to me. However it generally directly clashes with everything we are raised and programmed to believe since birth.
          For the past 2 years I have been on a path of self reliance and independence. I knew I would never be able to be in a strong stable relationship till I knew I could 100% care for myself and live joyously completely alone. "More then anything else, I want myself. I want to live with integrity and truth. I am not going to hide the jewel of who I am, nor will I mask my imperfections" (6). I became financially independent paying all my own bills and found ways to truly love myself when it's just me alone in my room thinking. It was hard work but essential to find my own unique standard that I want for my life.
       The problem then is finding the person who can fit into this life we have created. "Too often, we try to mold people into what we want them to be rather then honoring them as they are" (11). I am so beyond guilty of this- your trying to warp the person which never works... you either love all of someone or you don't really love them at all. Their light and their dark and all the grey in between bits. If you are uniquely you and they are uniquely them and together you uniquely match then everything finds it's harmony. Easy peasy right???
     The opposite of this idea of truth and open communication is mind manipulation and the art of Art of Seduction. The premise being that people fit into categories and you can easily get the result you would like by doing certain key things depending on what the person secretly desires for instance play the Coquette. They "are the grand masters of the game, orchestrating a back-and-forth movement between hope and frustration. They bait with the promise of reward the hope of physical pleasure, happiness, fame by association, power all of which, however, proves elusive; yet this only makes their targets pursue them the more. Imitate the alternating heat and coolness of the Coquette and you will keep the seduced at your heels." Wow not only does it explain "the type" it tells you more or less how to do it. 

       Think of Barney's playbook from How I Met Your Mother and you got a pretty good idea of what the book would look like played out in the real world with maybe a little more subtly because after all subtle suggestion is key to a seduction. An innocent example: I was new at my job and I new counselors were suppose to write no show receipts for their clients if they did not show up for their session. Knowing I needed Person A to write one but afraid to demand things on day 1 when he said "I can't believe my client didn't show!" I responded sweetly "isn't there something you need to do when that happens?" I looked over in his direction. "Ya write a receipt" he remarked I smiled "oh, oh! I see what you're doing there sneaky. well aren't you the queen of subtle suggestion." Yes, yes I am.
   The thing about playing little mind games is that there is no "truth" what so ever... except the truth that people are very mailable to being drawn in, persuaded, and seduced in general. Think of any major women in history or any great man and there was someone at their side whispering many ideas into their ears. Ya know what they say-behind every great man there's an ever greater woman and that's because one person in the relationship is always going to be one whose a little bit better as getting what they want. Games games games the book says “Desire is both imitative (we like what others like) and competitive (we want to take away from others what they have). As children, we wanted to monopolize the attention of a parent, to draw it away from other siblings. This sense of rivalry... makes people compete for the attention.”  So manipulation, games, and competition....damn that seems like a lot of work. It does "work" it really can (proof not discussed on the internet) but is that the kind of relationship you really want?
     So what appeals to you more truth or seduction???? Either way I got an amazing book that can lead you down the right path. Personally I'm torn I think one day when there is one person who I can truly trust and open up to and they in turn are willing and ready I will be all about truth. However now in LA when I'm looking for something more fun you may catch me in a small little flirtation that involves a small degree of manipulation- maybe.... i'm not admitting to anything!     ;)

How we define "SINGLE" women

    

  

       So by definition I am a single women. Not married, no kids, and in nothing even close to resembling a fully committed relationship. I date- have my little dalliances and I am totally content with that. A few weeks ago at the motherless daughters group the group leader was going around noting the major life events each of us were currently undergoing that made us particularly vulnerable to missing our moms> She looks at Girl 1 "You're moving across the country" Girl 2 "You're about to have a baby" Girl 3 "You're engaged and planning a wedding" at this point my mind is reeling with what she is going to say about me. Shannon "and you....you (2 second pause) you have your emotions"she stumbles...... it took everything in my power not to laugh out loud in her face.
      Internally I was thinking okaaay sure if I'm not having a kid/getting hitched etc you have no social structure to define me but come on that's all ya got? Here are some things that could of actually described my current major life scenario "You have created a life surviving independently in this crazy city" or "wow you left everything you ever knew to follow your dream" or even "you run a counseling center that sees and helps hundreds of clients." But no I am the girl with emotions... really????
     It always seems like there are 2 camps of people the married one and the "others" which include people who make a choice not to tie the knot but are in committed partnerships, completely unattached people, and casual daters. I however don't like to label anything or anyone I see people as people with complicated lives and relationships. Sometimes this gets me into trouble because labels in turn create certain boundaries. Take away a boyfriend "label" and then you end up in this random undefined dating experience where introducing someone comes out like "and this is my boy space friend not a boyfriend I mean were (3 second pause)... chilling" Awkward smile awkward blush awkward laugh awkward look at the boy and quick look away- all hypothetically of course.
   There are so many ways to describe someone this post directly relates to my feelings on being called pretty- pretty is the new ugly http://shannontcassidy.blogspot.com/2013/03/pretty-is-new-ugly.html. I am more then pretty and single! I understand that the world as a whole needs to categorize people and tries to fit them into little boxes and I have ALWAYS been an outside of the box kinda gal. You can not define me you can only experience me and believe I am one hell of an awesome experience!

Chemistry VS Attraction

So the past few months I have pondering the idea of chemistry vs attraction when it comes to dating. I go back in forth in my head about the difference and similarities and basically what makes you want to date, sleep with, or marry someone. Let's start with some definitions....

at·trac·tion

[uh-trak-shuhn] noun

1. the act, power, or property of attracting.

2.attractive quality; magnetic charm; fascination; allurement; enticement: the subtle attraction of her strange personality.

3.a person or thing that draws, attracts, allures, or entices: The main attraction was the after-dinner speaker.

4.a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure; attractive feature: The chief attractions of the evening were the good drinks and witty conversation.

5.Physics. the electric or magnetic force that acts between oppositely charged bodies, tending to draw them together.

 

chem·is·try

[kem-uh-stree] noun, plural chem·is·tries.

1. the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter. Compare element (  def 2 ) .

2. chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.: the chemistry of carbon.

3.the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong.

4.sympathetic understanding; rapport: the astonishing chemistry between the actors.

5. any or all of the elements that make up something: the chemistry of love. 

 

So by definition from a science perspective attraction is what happens when there is chemistry already present. Can the same apply for dating? 

 

     Let's take actors for example... they are attractive (well most of them) and they essentially get paid to have the kind of personality that draws people into watching them. When you meet said actor in real life would there even be chemistry or just a really strong attraction to them. When I've flirted with hot celebrities over the past 2 (almost 2) years here in LA I become puddy. I say stupid stuff, I smile a lot, and generally my sentences leave something to be desired. I feel attraction and chemistry but who knows that is going on in their head/body/heart! Is that chemistry or just a simple physical attraction?

 

     Let's now do the opposite lets say you have a really great re pore with someone who is your "friend." You laugh, share secrets, and have an amazing time in each others company but one or both parties is not attracted to the other. The chemistry of the relationship is %100 there so why are you not mutually attracted? This is one thing I still can't really wrap my head around because something is there and if it's not "attraction" what is it?

 

UPDATE: * TYPES OF BONDING: *as read in If the Buddha Dated

1. Physical/material

2. Intellect

3. Interests 

4. Values/lifestyle

5. Psychological/emotional

6. Creativity/passion

7. Spirituality

8. Essence

 

Can you really truly have chemistry without attraction or be attracted to someone without having real chemistry going on between the two of you?   

 

    My entire romantic history has in one way or another revolved around this very idea it wasn't until this week have I been able to fully grasp that they can indeed be mutually exclusive. You can really want to sleep with someone who you have 0 chemistry with. You can also have great chemistry that doesn't always have to be a precursor for attraction. It can be, oh trust me, it really can be but one does not always create the other. An example being someone who you get along great with of the sex you are not attracted to- a friendship chemistry.  I've come to realize what I want is the full package I want someone where together we have both. I have people who are strongly in one camp in my mind I toy with this idea of "could we have more of X?." The answer is apparently no we are just what we are. Do I think both chemistry and attraction can grow from nothing to epic- ya I certainly do. The biggest obstacle to attraction and love is indifference. 

     

       Now to go one level deeper if you have chemistry and are attracted to each other and NOTHING happens what is going on then? Is something holding back the relationship from progressing like fear or uncertainty?  I'm still learning to tell the difference between friendship and romantic chemistry. As well as the difference between physical attraction and maybe mental attraction... for me intelligence can give psychical a strong boost, Intelligence=Sexy! I keep reminding myself the world is not black and white- it is many MANY shades of grey. Will I look back and regret any of these encounters when i'm 101???  NO because I have learned something from everybody who has come into my life. Now I just need to find that person where we are equally attracted and the romantic chemistry is unmistakable! 

 

Science words that have a double relationship meeting..... bonds, cohesion,symbiosis, electric, connection, stimulus, and of course chemistry/attraction -did you even learn anything from this blog ?!?!? :)

 

This graphic is really really amusing to me

 

British Boys/Men Beyond Babeilicious

         Here is a comprehensive list of the most amazing beyond babeilicious boys and men (see section 2) who hail from the great island of Britannia. It is no secret if you know me you know I have a super serious weakness for British accents, well all EU accents but especially theirs. Feel free to swoon, drool, or ogle to you hearts content. Order does not pertain to likeability...

The Under 35ers - The Boys
Henry Cavill: 30, Jersey Channel Island, Newly attached like it became official this week
Henry recently has skyrocketed to popularity with the release of "Man of Steel" his abs "steal" the screen. I however fell in love when he played the playboy Charles Brandon in "The Tudors". I mean shirtless, in the ruffled white shirts, or all dolled up in period costume his presence kept me watching all 4 seasons. My love deepened in his small bit part in Stardust as the secret gay man. I would go anywhere and do anything with him.

Eddie Redmayne: 31, London, Attached
I first got my love dose of Eddie in "My Week with Marilyn" He's been in 2 versions of Queen Elizabeth movies and why not he's that talented! Just when you think there's no way he could be more adorable you find out that boy can really sing. In "Les Miserables" his voice and puppy dog love for Cosette is precious and completely swoon worthy.

Robert Pattinson: 27, London, Single? bye bye Kstew
Sure sure ya he's that guy from twilight but before that he was Cedric in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire". There was one moment when flying on a broom chasing those bird/ball things (any muggles want to tell me the name of those?!?) when he raises his head up and stares into the camera I think I was about 18 and squealed. I told my mom that one day he would be famous (point me) boy did I call that one! Maybe it's the hair or those oh so chiseled cheek bones- I don't care if that pale disgusting makeup makes him look dead he is still hot.

Jim Sturgess: 35, London/Surrey, Attached
Most people know Jim as the card counting MIT student in "21". I however am obsessed with Jim as Jude in "Across the Universe." Again there is singing and romance and he just looks so damn amazing getting angry singing Revolution totally worth illegally living in the country for. A bit of an ass in "One Day" he more them redeems him self as several characters in "Cloud Atlas" when I proclaimed "That is so Jim I would know those eyes anywhere!" no mask or makeup can fool me from spotting this hottie.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson: 23, High Wycomb, Married
I almost feel bad for liking this boy at 23 although he is more man then most boys his age also married to someone double his age! Aaron first blew my mind as the creative and slightly disturbed Lennon in "Nowhere Boy." When he took on the Russian adulterous soldier Vronsky in "Anna Karenia" he made me want to run away with him. Sure he's young, sure he's married to a women who could easily be his mom, he is still lovely.

Joseph Morgan: 32, Wales, Single Maybe Attached
The first time I set eyes on Joseph was as William Price in "Mansfield Park" short but sweet role. It wasn't until his ongoing stint at Klaus in "Vampire Diaries" that I really fell. He's twisted yet thoughtful, a hidden artist, and killer= complex to say the least. No one likes a simple man and he's proving to be a chameleon like actor that I simply can't get enough of.

The Over 35ers- The Men

Hugh Grant: 53, Hammersmith, Single
Oh come on does he even need a descriptor?!?! Bridget Jones, Love Actually, Notting Hill, Two weeks Notice, and as Edward in Sense and Sensibility ( I really really can't get enough of men dressed in period costumes) he is dashing in all of them. Throughout the years he has done some pretty questionable things- anyone remember the transvestite (not judging just commenting)? But with a quick smile and sarcastic comment all is forgiven he's too cute to hate for long even as the douchy cheating Daniel Clever he can always charm his way back to love.

Colin Firth: 53 Grayshott, Married
Another one who needs no description. A man whose played Darcy in period accurate clothing (in that infamous white shirt) to a modern version of the same character in "Bridget Jones's Diary" that boyish charm is to precious and he's been married to his wife for ages, a very sexy quality. This man just seems to get better and better with age! Oh ya the "King's Speech" was pretty much a masterpiece of acting- did I mention he can sing to mamma mia he's amazing.

Jude Law: 41, Lewisham, Divorced
The British bad boy you don't want to love but you really just can't help it... bad for his wives good for us. He's been in 52 imbd credited and movies- yes 52 I just counted! I like him for one of the most ridiculous movies he ever made- Alfie - haven't seen it? well no one else has either. It doesn't even matter whether he takes on the heartthrob or the weird creepy guy he masters it all.

Matthew Macfadyen:39, Norfolk, Married
Another Darcy makes this list. A more sensitive take in the film he did an amazing as Mr Darcy in "Pride and Prejudice" (sexy, reserved britishness is paramount for that role). He also used that same skill set to excel in "Anna Karenina" and "Little Dorrit." He is softer and loveable and oh so adorable as Logan Mountstewart in the mini series "Any Human Heart" what can't he do? Not sure I still can't find anything.

Here is a list of films that contain more then 1 of these babeilicious Brits including:
 Bridget Jone's Diary
 Bridget Jones Edge of Reason
 Anna Karenia
 Cloud Atlas
 Love Actually
 Immortals

You Can Find Love Anywhere

         As I perused my fb profile pictures ( I was looking for one in particular don't judge) I came across the gem above posted on April 7, 2009. I remember making it thinking about all the beauty there was in the world. Those are photographs I took that year. How one could look around and with the right eye be open to finding at any moment. That was before my mom died, before my first real heartbreak, and before I discovered I don't need to seek out love- it's already within me.
     We are raised with idea that there is someone out there in the world who is meant for us and in the exact right moment at the exact right time we will meet and it will be magical. I don't know of any relationships that have started that way- I don't doubt they exist but they certainly aren't the norm.
Most people meet in the basic way- work, hobbies, or the ever popular bar scene ( as much as people knock it they all still do it). I met one of the most influential people in my life in a bar. We're innately social creatures, we want to meet people and be connected so why is it so tiresome to do that?
     There's something about LA that makes these kind of interactions particularly difficult. Most people are transplants all coming to live their dream and do coke while hitting on models at some party in the hills- or some similar variation of that scenario. They don't have groups of friends they can introduce you to or families. If "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main" then why aren't we more connected- I will blame iphones. I see the deep pain of loneliness everyday at work and not just in the clients! We all want connection and deep down even if it's not admitted out loud we want someone to share it with.
    My horoscope this week mentioned something along the lines of "Aquarius even thought it is hard for you because of your fiercely independent nature try to see the potential good in allowing yourself to be open to relationships" well isn't that easier said then done ?!?! For me there is a thin line from wanting to be able to secure and strong on my own and allowing myself to be truly open to someone else- to me that means trust. Personally trust is more precious then good lucks, funniness, and a a well paying job. When that trust is gone even a little consider me done and I'm out.
    So the question arises can you find really find love anywhere? The romantic in me is screaming YES! so for now i'm sticking with my 2009 logic "You can find love anywhere" and the search continues. 

Motherless Daughters Group: Week One

I found this really funny..I don't know why

        So I want to share a little about my experience without breaking the codes of confidentiality. First off I feel so excited, overjoyed, relieved to even be able to attend the meeting in the first place (thanks to a generous donation from the dead mommy fund). To be in a room with 7 other women who have all lost their mother before they turned 24 is really relieving. 7 people who understand exactly what I am feeling and who aren't trying to talk me out of those emotions. We are all at various stages of life from being the youngest single member (myself), to engaged, newly weds, soon to have kids, etc but all intertwined by this common thread- we don't have a living mother. Each story struck me- exact phrases I had uttered before coming out of the mouth of a stranger sitting across from me and piercing my heart. After years of no one else really "getting it" there are now 7 who do. There's a difference between empathy and sympathy that few probably realizing losing a parent  is one of those scenarios where empathy just doesn't cut it- sure it helps but it's just not the same. They are just as petrified about having kids as I am. They cried for months before their weddings. I don't even know these women yet, just their basic stories, but I already love them all- we're connected in a way that goes deeper. I'm excited for the next 3 weeks have in store. I'm a little apprehensive this will throw me deeper down the dark path i've been traveling but it's laced with a stronger element of hope for some type of closure. We've been promised pain but also laughter so emotional roller coaster here I come...I have one ticket to ride ~S~