How we define "SINGLE" women

    

  

       So by definition I am a single women. Not married, no kids, and in nothing even close to resembling a fully committed relationship. I date- have my little dalliances and I am totally content with that. A few weeks ago at the motherless daughters group the group leader was going around noting the major life events each of us were currently undergoing that made us particularly vulnerable to missing our moms> She looks at Girl 1 "You're moving across the country" Girl 2 "You're about to have a baby" Girl 3 "You're engaged and planning a wedding" at this point my mind is reeling with what she is going to say about me. Shannon "and you....you (2 second pause) you have your emotions"she stumbles...... it took everything in my power not to laugh out loud in her face.
      Internally I was thinking okaaay sure if I'm not having a kid/getting hitched etc you have no social structure to define me but come on that's all ya got? Here are some things that could of actually described my current major life scenario "You have created a life surviving independently in this crazy city" or "wow you left everything you ever knew to follow your dream" or even "you run a counseling center that sees and helps hundreds of clients." But no I am the girl with emotions... really????
     It always seems like there are 2 camps of people the married one and the "others" which include people who make a choice not to tie the knot but are in committed partnerships, completely unattached people, and casual daters. I however don't like to label anything or anyone I see people as people with complicated lives and relationships. Sometimes this gets me into trouble because labels in turn create certain boundaries. Take away a boyfriend "label" and then you end up in this random undefined dating experience where introducing someone comes out like "and this is my boy space friend not a boyfriend I mean were (3 second pause)... chilling" Awkward smile awkward blush awkward laugh awkward look at the boy and quick look away- all hypothetically of course.
   There are so many ways to describe someone this post directly relates to my feelings on being called pretty- pretty is the new ugly http://shannontcassidy.blogspot.com/2013/03/pretty-is-new-ugly.html. I am more then pretty and single! I understand that the world as a whole needs to categorize people and tries to fit them into little boxes and I have ALWAYS been an outside of the box kinda gal. You can not define me you can only experience me and believe I am one hell of an awesome experience!

Chemistry VS Attraction

So the past few months I have pondering the idea of chemistry vs attraction when it comes to dating. I go back in forth in my head about the difference and similarities and basically what makes you want to date, sleep with, or marry someone. Let's start with some definitions....

at·trac·tion

[uh-trak-shuhn] noun

1. the act, power, or property of attracting.

2.attractive quality; magnetic charm; fascination; allurement; enticement: the subtle attraction of her strange personality.

3.a person or thing that draws, attracts, allures, or entices: The main attraction was the after-dinner speaker.

4.a characteristic or quality that provides pleasure; attractive feature: The chief attractions of the evening were the good drinks and witty conversation.

5.Physics. the electric or magnetic force that acts between oppositely charged bodies, tending to draw them together.

 

chem·is·try

[kem-uh-stree] noun, plural chem·is·tries.

1. the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter. Compare element (  def 2 ) .

2. chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.: the chemistry of carbon.

3.the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong.

4.sympathetic understanding; rapport: the astonishing chemistry between the actors.

5. any or all of the elements that make up something: the chemistry of love. 

 

So by definition from a science perspective attraction is what happens when there is chemistry already present. Can the same apply for dating? 

 

     Let's take actors for example... they are attractive (well most of them) and they essentially get paid to have the kind of personality that draws people into watching them. When you meet said actor in real life would there even be chemistry or just a really strong attraction to them. When I've flirted with hot celebrities over the past 2 (almost 2) years here in LA I become puddy. I say stupid stuff, I smile a lot, and generally my sentences leave something to be desired. I feel attraction and chemistry but who knows that is going on in their head/body/heart! Is that chemistry or just a simple physical attraction?

 

     Let's now do the opposite lets say you have a really great re pore with someone who is your "friend." You laugh, share secrets, and have an amazing time in each others company but one or both parties is not attracted to the other. The chemistry of the relationship is %100 there so why are you not mutually attracted? This is one thing I still can't really wrap my head around because something is there and if it's not "attraction" what is it?

 

UPDATE: * TYPES OF BONDING: *as read in If the Buddha Dated

1. Physical/material

2. Intellect

3. Interests 

4. Values/lifestyle

5. Psychological/emotional

6. Creativity/passion

7. Spirituality

8. Essence

 

Can you really truly have chemistry without attraction or be attracted to someone without having real chemistry going on between the two of you?   

 

    My entire romantic history has in one way or another revolved around this very idea it wasn't until this week have I been able to fully grasp that they can indeed be mutually exclusive. You can really want to sleep with someone who you have 0 chemistry with. You can also have great chemistry that doesn't always have to be a precursor for attraction. It can be, oh trust me, it really can be but one does not always create the other. An example being someone who you get along great with of the sex you are not attracted to- a friendship chemistry.  I've come to realize what I want is the full package I want someone where together we have both. I have people who are strongly in one camp in my mind I toy with this idea of "could we have more of X?." The answer is apparently no we are just what we are. Do I think both chemistry and attraction can grow from nothing to epic- ya I certainly do. The biggest obstacle to attraction and love is indifference. 

     

       Now to go one level deeper if you have chemistry and are attracted to each other and NOTHING happens what is going on then? Is something holding back the relationship from progressing like fear or uncertainty?  I'm still learning to tell the difference between friendship and romantic chemistry. As well as the difference between physical attraction and maybe mental attraction... for me intelligence can give psychical a strong boost, Intelligence=Sexy! I keep reminding myself the world is not black and white- it is many MANY shades of grey. Will I look back and regret any of these encounters when i'm 101???  NO because I have learned something from everybody who has come into my life. Now I just need to find that person where we are equally attracted and the romantic chemistry is unmistakable! 

 

Science words that have a double relationship meeting..... bonds, cohesion,symbiosis, electric, connection, stimulus, and of course chemistry/attraction -did you even learn anything from this blog ?!?!? :)

 

This graphic is really really amusing to me

 

British Boys/Men Beyond Babeilicious

         Here is a comprehensive list of the most amazing beyond babeilicious boys and men (see section 2) who hail from the great island of Britannia. It is no secret if you know me you know I have a super serious weakness for British accents, well all EU accents but especially theirs. Feel free to swoon, drool, or ogle to you hearts content. Order does not pertain to likeability...

The Under 35ers - The Boys
Henry Cavill: 30, Jersey Channel Island, Newly attached like it became official this week
Henry recently has skyrocketed to popularity with the release of "Man of Steel" his abs "steal" the screen. I however fell in love when he played the playboy Charles Brandon in "The Tudors". I mean shirtless, in the ruffled white shirts, or all dolled up in period costume his presence kept me watching all 4 seasons. My love deepened in his small bit part in Stardust as the secret gay man. I would go anywhere and do anything with him.

Eddie Redmayne: 31, London, Attached
I first got my love dose of Eddie in "My Week with Marilyn" He's been in 2 versions of Queen Elizabeth movies and why not he's that talented! Just when you think there's no way he could be more adorable you find out that boy can really sing. In "Les Miserables" his voice and puppy dog love for Cosette is precious and completely swoon worthy.

Robert Pattinson: 27, London, Single? bye bye Kstew
Sure sure ya he's that guy from twilight but before that he was Cedric in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire". There was one moment when flying on a broom chasing those bird/ball things (any muggles want to tell me the name of those?!?) when he raises his head up and stares into the camera I think I was about 18 and squealed. I told my mom that one day he would be famous (point me) boy did I call that one! Maybe it's the hair or those oh so chiseled cheek bones- I don't care if that pale disgusting makeup makes him look dead he is still hot.

Jim Sturgess: 35, London/Surrey, Attached
Most people know Jim as the card counting MIT student in "21". I however am obsessed with Jim as Jude in "Across the Universe." Again there is singing and romance and he just looks so damn amazing getting angry singing Revolution totally worth illegally living in the country for. A bit of an ass in "One Day" he more them redeems him self as several characters in "Cloud Atlas" when I proclaimed "That is so Jim I would know those eyes anywhere!" no mask or makeup can fool me from spotting this hottie.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson: 23, High Wycomb, Married
I almost feel bad for liking this boy at 23 although he is more man then most boys his age also married to someone double his age! Aaron first blew my mind as the creative and slightly disturbed Lennon in "Nowhere Boy." When he took on the Russian adulterous soldier Vronsky in "Anna Karenia" he made me want to run away with him. Sure he's young, sure he's married to a women who could easily be his mom, he is still lovely.

Joseph Morgan: 32, Wales, Single Maybe Attached
The first time I set eyes on Joseph was as William Price in "Mansfield Park" short but sweet role. It wasn't until his ongoing stint at Klaus in "Vampire Diaries" that I really fell. He's twisted yet thoughtful, a hidden artist, and killer= complex to say the least. No one likes a simple man and he's proving to be a chameleon like actor that I simply can't get enough of.

The Over 35ers- The Men

Hugh Grant: 53, Hammersmith, Single
Oh come on does he even need a descriptor?!?! Bridget Jones, Love Actually, Notting Hill, Two weeks Notice, and as Edward in Sense and Sensibility ( I really really can't get enough of men dressed in period costumes) he is dashing in all of them. Throughout the years he has done some pretty questionable things- anyone remember the transvestite (not judging just commenting)? But with a quick smile and sarcastic comment all is forgiven he's too cute to hate for long even as the douchy cheating Daniel Clever he can always charm his way back to love.

Colin Firth: 53 Grayshott, Married
Another one who needs no description. A man whose played Darcy in period accurate clothing (in that infamous white shirt) to a modern version of the same character in "Bridget Jones's Diary" that boyish charm is to precious and he's been married to his wife for ages, a very sexy quality. This man just seems to get better and better with age! Oh ya the "King's Speech" was pretty much a masterpiece of acting- did I mention he can sing to mamma mia he's amazing.

Jude Law: 41, Lewisham, Divorced
The British bad boy you don't want to love but you really just can't help it... bad for his wives good for us. He's been in 52 imbd credited and movies- yes 52 I just counted! I like him for one of the most ridiculous movies he ever made- Alfie - haven't seen it? well no one else has either. It doesn't even matter whether he takes on the heartthrob or the weird creepy guy he masters it all.

Matthew Macfadyen:39, Norfolk, Married
Another Darcy makes this list. A more sensitive take in the film he did an amazing as Mr Darcy in "Pride and Prejudice" (sexy, reserved britishness is paramount for that role). He also used that same skill set to excel in "Anna Karenina" and "Little Dorrit." He is softer and loveable and oh so adorable as Logan Mountstewart in the mini series "Any Human Heart" what can't he do? Not sure I still can't find anything.

Here is a list of films that contain more then 1 of these babeilicious Brits including:
 Bridget Jone's Diary
 Bridget Jones Edge of Reason
 Anna Karenia
 Cloud Atlas
 Love Actually
 Immortals

You Can Find Love Anywhere

         As I perused my fb profile pictures ( I was looking for one in particular don't judge) I came across the gem above posted on April 7, 2009. I remember making it thinking about all the beauty there was in the world. Those are photographs I took that year. How one could look around and with the right eye be open to finding at any moment. That was before my mom died, before my first real heartbreak, and before I discovered I don't need to seek out love- it's already within me.
     We are raised with idea that there is someone out there in the world who is meant for us and in the exact right moment at the exact right time we will meet and it will be magical. I don't know of any relationships that have started that way- I don't doubt they exist but they certainly aren't the norm.
Most people meet in the basic way- work, hobbies, or the ever popular bar scene ( as much as people knock it they all still do it). I met one of the most influential people in my life in a bar. We're innately social creatures, we want to meet people and be connected so why is it so tiresome to do that?
     There's something about LA that makes these kind of interactions particularly difficult. Most people are transplants all coming to live their dream and do coke while hitting on models at some party in the hills- or some similar variation of that scenario. They don't have groups of friends they can introduce you to or families. If "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main" then why aren't we more connected- I will blame iphones. I see the deep pain of loneliness everyday at work and not just in the clients! We all want connection and deep down even if it's not admitted out loud we want someone to share it with.
    My horoscope this week mentioned something along the lines of "Aquarius even thought it is hard for you because of your fiercely independent nature try to see the potential good in allowing yourself to be open to relationships" well isn't that easier said then done ?!?! For me there is a thin line from wanting to be able to secure and strong on my own and allowing myself to be truly open to someone else- to me that means trust. Personally trust is more precious then good lucks, funniness, and a a well paying job. When that trust is gone even a little consider me done and I'm out.
    So the question arises can you find really find love anywhere? The romantic in me is screaming YES! so for now i'm sticking with my 2009 logic "You can find love anywhere" and the search continues. 

Motherless Daughters Group: Week One

I found this really funny..I don't know why

        So I want to share a little about my experience without breaking the codes of confidentiality. First off I feel so excited, overjoyed, relieved to even be able to attend the meeting in the first place (thanks to a generous donation from the dead mommy fund). To be in a room with 7 other women who have all lost their mother before they turned 24 is really relieving. 7 people who understand exactly what I am feeling and who aren't trying to talk me out of those emotions. We are all at various stages of life from being the youngest single member (myself), to engaged, newly weds, soon to have kids, etc but all intertwined by this common thread- we don't have a living mother. Each story struck me- exact phrases I had uttered before coming out of the mouth of a stranger sitting across from me and piercing my heart. After years of no one else really "getting it" there are now 7 who do. There's a difference between empathy and sympathy that few probably realizing losing a parent  is one of those scenarios where empathy just doesn't cut it- sure it helps but it's just not the same. They are just as petrified about having kids as I am. They cried for months before their weddings. I don't even know these women yet, just their basic stories, but I already love them all- we're connected in a way that goes deeper. I'm excited for the next 3 weeks have in store. I'm a little apprehensive this will throw me deeper down the dark path i've been traveling but it's laced with a stronger element of hope for some type of closure. We've been promised pain but also laughter so emotional roller coaster here I come...I have one ticket to ride ~S~

The Keys to Surviving Solitude

1) Learn to Enjoy Your Own Company:
       Step One: Love Yourself this is harder then it sounds. Ya know when you beat yourself down- I should have done this - why aren't I doing that? what was the purpose of majoring in that degree? SHUT THAT OFF  it does no one any good especially your piece of mind/sanity.
      Step Two: Find activities that you can enjoy doing alone. For me it's hiking, reading, watching movies, painting, and practicing my British accent. I don't need anyone to have those things be fulfilling they just are because I truly enjoy them.
      Step Three: Appreciate Silence: We live in such a busy chaotic world it's such a rare thing to be still and do nothing. I'm always listening to music, chanting, thinking so loud I swear it's audible- quiet... such beautiful nothingness.

***When you can be alone and be perfectly content it is much easier to be by yourself for any length of time.

2) Find Something That Gives You Purpose:
   ( If you thought point 1 was hard you're in for another doozey)
    Step One: pin point what you are passionate about. For me it is, and always has been, acting- I enjoy it, I find it fulfilling, and it's challenging. When I can't do that pretty much anyway of being creative art, writing etc does a stand up replacement. What make you really want to get up and do something?
   Step Two: Takes steps to be able to do the things you love. Maybe your goal for the day is just going to the store to by supplies for your project. Maybe it's taking a few moments for self reflection. Whatever needs to be in place for you to do your passion counts as doing it - I repeat ALL SMALL STEPS COUNT
   Step Three: Do it- simple- do what you are passionate about!

***When you are actively involved in something you truly love you are fulfilled, content, and happy.

3) Change the Way You Think About Being Alone:
   Step One: No time for a pity party- life is too short. If you're at home thinking "why do I have no one to spend time with, hang out" etc  it is only inflicting a poor me mentality and no one wants to be around that. Seriously those  people who always complain never have friends because NO ONE ever wants to be around complainers.
   Step Two: "You have power over your mind-not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." Marcus Aurelius. You can't control a friend bailing last minute or the epic snow storm happening outside (wait I live in LA- scratch that example) but you can control how you feel about it. So let it be - RELAX- and enjoy your new found moment to do you.
   Step Three: Overcome that strong fear of being on your own. "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face..we must do that which we cannot" Eleanor Roosevelt. It's hard I get it were humans we fear abandonment, no one loving us, etc but shit happens living in fear is not living at all. We only have such precious time on this planet make it count- throw out fear and live every second doing what you want to do!

***When our mind makes us the victim, weak, or in fear you can change that negativity to help you learn to appreciate, grown and transform.

I'm not proclaiming to be an expert on this but in the past year and eight months I've kinda become well versed in the art of surviving solitude- so why not share some of this slowly acquired wisdom?  I think being able to appreciate the process is one of the signs of being a fully functional adult... at least that's what I keep telling my quite often lost 26 year old self! ~S~

Sorta Syndrome

Sorta Syndrome- that moment in a potentially romantic relationship when both parties aren't really sure where they stand and neither will comment/commit so it becomes the epically ambiguous, sorta syndrome.

This week it has become abundantly clear that I continuously get in these sorta relationships ALL OF THE TIME. When straight up asking my high school crush if he ever liked me his ingenious response was "sorta" at this pivotal confessional moment years and years of "sorta moments" all came clicking into place.

        I think in our minds it is like the movies when two people meet they exchange some sexy glances, partake in some witty banter, and somewhere in their hearts they just "know." Not just in a "i'm physically attracted to you way" but in a solid way of "yes we both are equally into each other." I personally have never know if anyone likes me, ever.  I only get an answer if I initiate and do the asking. The response is NEVER "yes I am so into you let's do this." I'm not sure humans are even capable of being that open and honest! Here are a few examples of common sorta syndrome scenarios:

1) I do love you but.... basically I care about you I know we're great together but I don't want to be with you as a couple.

2) Were such good friends I don't want to mess up what we already have.

3) Deny Deny Deny- I am in complete denial about how I actually feel. I'm too scared/overwhelmed/excited (insert appropriate adjective here) to even consider dating you.

4) We're already great companions why do we have to label anything can't we just leave good enough alone?


       I think part of it comes from knowing what you want. What are you looking for in a future partner? What are you own goals and ambitions and can this person help you be the best person you can be to achieve that? I tend to have very strong opinions about what I want and don't so there are very few things I'm unsure about- the way men feel about me is probably the only one. I just want to shout from the top of my lungs "DO YOU LIKE ME ?!?!?!" My roommate informed me the lack of an answer is an answer. The entire book He's just not that into you is about this but is it that simple?
        For me there are always questions and I can get very in my head about what is happening. I doubt everything now because when I was younger I grossly romanticized and protected my self through false ideas. I learned that my interpretations of what were going on and what were actually going on were two totally different realities. Then I met someone and thought surely they are as connected to me as I to them- they weren't. After that I dated someone who was physically connected to me but still detached mentally. I was left wondering- is that all there is (insert musical notes here)?????
        Now I'm 26 having the exact same conversation I have had so many times before. When a person looks at you and says "sorta" does that actually mean "no" or just "i'm not sure"? Either way it does not mean "YES" I'm still trying to figure all this out but I do know I want a man to look at me and when asked "Do you want to date me?" there response would be an overwhelming "HELL YES!"I am not even sure such a thing exists but I do know I don't want to settle for a life stuck in sorta syndrome. I am awesome, strong, and I look really cute even without makeup. I, like every women, deserves someone who sees every aspect of their personality the good and the bad and loves them all. He thinks “All the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class included all the girls in the world except her, and they had all the usual human feelings and were very ordinary girls; while the other class -herself alone- had no weaknesses and was superior to all humanity.”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Or for a more modern twist: "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love Like I'm the only one who knows your heart Only girl in the world..."  RIHANNA - ONLY GIRL

See I'm the kind of girl who can quote Tolstoy and Rihanna and somehow make that work- i'm cool- who wouldn't want to say "HELL YES" to dating me ?!?! :)