In 2025 I'll Be...

Today my curious thought while brushing my teeth was where will I be in 2025 and what will I be doing? Why 2025 you ask?? Well that is the estimated year I will have re paid my student loan on a happier note i'll be 38 and be well established in my adulthood. I just finished watching the Masterpiece theater 4 part mini series Any Human Heart which is a book written by an author about a fake author via "his diaries." The Book/Film cover this whole man's life and they really hammer in the continuity and themes ones goes through throughout their life. So I allowed myself a temporary lapse in only focusing on the present to hypothesize about what my future existence will be like in 13 years. I will be an actress hopefully in features but also doing side indie projects where I can act my own script or direct/act like Zach Braft. I hope to have a partner someone who is sharing my life equally and always going on adventures with me. By 2025 I hope I have been to Alaska, Hawaii, Greece, Australia, Germany, and Japan and had my travel journals published into a book. I will have one love song, novel, and poem dedicated to me. I will have the kinds of friends who have been there for me almost 4 decades of my life and remember all the fights and the good times. My family will be even larger because I'm sure by that time all my girls cousins will have several kids. I will be living in one the beach towns out here so I can see the ocean every morning and fall asleep to crashing waves every night. Maybe I'll even be pregnant with one adopted child and a set of twins of my own. My home will be filled with pictures and treasures I have collected from around the world. My bed will have a frame and not be on the floor along with a closet that will contain all of my shoes. I will have inspired people to follow their dream and have entertained them in the process. I would have contributed to society in away that is beneficial and helpful to future generations. I will have lived my days truthfully and gratefully full of appreciation and wonder...sounds good to me 2025 here I come ~S~

Classic Hollywood in a Modern World

Maureen Aruther 1967

When people think of "Hollywood" certain iconic images come to mind. Of course the sign, the walk of fame, red carpets etc.. I also like to think of classic Hollywood where stars arrived to premieres in Rolls Royces and wore evening gloves al la Grace Kelly. There is a certain air of sophistication, elegance, and charm during that era. Over the holidays I had the pleasure of meeting this amazing women Maureen Rouben. Now she is very old but still has a smile and spark that will blow you away. I spent about an hour, which in the retail world is an eternity, talking to her about acting and life (I was smitten). She said literally the most mind blowing thing about acting and reality that I can't for the life of me even remember a part of now. It was like I was so engaged in the moment and intrigued by her stories I forgot all about all the Christmas chaos around me. When I got home I immediately googled her but came up blank. Last week she came in again with her assistant we chatted a bit more and she told me how concerned she is for the state of the world. It was interesting to me because it's not something that comes up often at work but I asked her what's on her mind so she told me. She almost had tears in her eyes at how she feels the world is going in such a dangerous direction. I also added her and the assistant to my Client book because we have to have clients (people who visit us at least twice) and they had shopped with me back in December (score for keeping my job). Now this part sounds creepy but I was doing it out of my general curiosity about her. When they go in your book you can then see basic information about someone like their address. This time when I went home I just typed her name and the area she lives in. I found numerous articles about her husbands death which also is turned mentioned her career. Like any true actress Maureen Rouben is her real name but not her "stage" name duh!!! it's Maureen Arthur. Well once I had that I could finally learn things about her career (thanks IMDB) like that until the 90's she was a steady working actress and singer most know for her role in How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying. Wow I was floored! Clearly from the moment I met her I was enchanted so I assumed she once was someone not to mention most 70 years olds aren't still shopping in my store with assistants. I find her to be completely inspiring she is so old (how can you say that nicely??!?!!?) but yet her feistyness and spirit are so young. She is an entertainer through and through and always ends up saying something that cracks me up. I thought about this classic hollywood starlet and how she fits into this modern world. Too old to work but still full of life, concerned about the affairs of the world even if she's so frail she can barley walk. This juxtaposition just bewilders me and I am truly in awe. I want to be that amazing and that engaging at 78 I want to have a smile that says i'm strong and mischievous and eyes that could tell a million stories. Today was the third time I saw her. I brought up that I had looked into her career, her face lit up, the hollywood smile came out, and she giggled. I saw the passion in her face the same look and feeling I have when I preform. For a minute I made her happy by bringing up her cherished past it was such an honest sincere moment. It may seem silly but I feel like she's impacted my life in some way I can't quite describe... maybe it's inspiration~S~

Princess Delusions

http://www.cracked.com/funny-4485-classic-disney-movies/

Like most little American girls I was raised on Disney Princesses and barbies. I always wanted a "my size barbie" but because I was on heavy medication as a child I was too big for my size barbie and was devastated. All of my earlier birhdays were princess themed mostly Ariel because I thought she was adventurous and Belle because I thought she was sweet. I once had a conversation with girlfriends on why do we identify with certain princess because they have similar traits to us or because be want to be like them??? Then we discovered our favorite princess often had the same hair color we did. subliminal messaging especially for the young and impressionable is something I became very aware of as a teacher when the girl were singing Katy Perry's teenage dream and swinging around the swing set poles like they were strippers. As I mentioned in a previous post I always had this strong desire to go to France and speak French when I finally arrived there I really thought about where that came from and all of a sudden Beauty and the Beast popped into my head the song "Bonjour" particularly standing out. Maybe watching My Friend Totoro over and over again sparked my interest in Japanese culture??? I remember the first time I was taught about anything remotely feminist by my 9th grade English teacher Molly saying they called it "his story" for a reason. Since that day men at work signs have always angered me. In college I became more aware of social norms, schemas, gender stereotyping and all that good stuff you learn from a liberal psyc education. Honestly I can't help but feel a little jipped because I feel programmed to believe in a silly structure I don't actually want any part of. At 25 I feel compelled to be married and have kids but it's really in no way what I actually want in this point in my life by that nagging thought it still continuously there. there really are no good and healthy relationship depicted in these movies whatsoever but yet they appeal to something deep in our psyches. what is it??? do we really just want to be rescued by a handsome man???I like to think we as women are better then that but currently i've seen nothing but the contrary. I think at some point you have to make a choice...is this what I really want or do I want something more substantial?? ~S~

Styles of Shoes Styles of Men.

At work I often have a lot of time to just think since there is usually a point in the day when you have done all your tasks, talked to all you coworkers, and still there are no customers. Also the women's shoe department has the highest percentage of straight male men and it's right across from me so inevitably it comes to mind from time to time. Now I noticed each guy in the department has not only their own unique personality they also have a unique way of interacting with the customers and coworkers. Each a little different with their pros and cons but essentially all the same "product" at the end of the day- men.

The Gil- The Espadrille Wedge: is a shoe that is still exciting because it's high but it's also more comfy then a stiletto. It's cute and fun for a casual day out but it's not something you wear everyday. If you date a Gil you will have fun and flirt but there's no long term commitment.
The Dale- The Ballet Flat: is the least threatening shoe it's like the best friend of footwear. You can wear it anywhere with anybody sure it can be sexy but mostly you feel safe knowing you won't fall. If you date a Dale you may lack excitement but you will always have a solid footing.   
The Kevin- The stiletto heel: when you put on a pair you feel sexy your legs look long and fine and you are ready to party. Sure they are fantastic but only for about an hour then they kill and you would do just about anything to have any other shoe on your feet. If you date a Kevin it will be a roller coaster kick ass time until he gets bored and moves on to something sexier.
The Freddie- Classic Sneaker: you can't go wrong with a piece of footwear that is timeless, easy, and hassle free. If your looking for a no frills easy going relationship and on occasion a few compliments thrown in then date a Freddie.
The David- Patent Leather Pump: under the guise of being sexy patent leather usually looks a little cheap. You get a nice one liner and wink from time to time but that doesn't really end up satisfying you when all is said and done but maybe you don't want the commitment anyways??
The Don- The Bootie: Sure it sounds dirty(picture Sir Mix A lot) but it also sounds innocent (little babies wear booties right??) that's what you get when you date a Don you get both sides, someone who gives off the vibe of being tough and sexy but really is just a softie at heart.
The Matt-Knee High Boot: This is a classic stable item every women should own it's not only practical but sexy too. When you date a Matt it may seem simple and understated at first but it also comes with the surprise wow factor when you least expect it.. and it will blow your mind.

Now some women have a staple piece of footwear they never take off...some like to switch it up depending  on the occasion or their mood but ladies never forget there are as many men as there are styles of shoes....choose wisely! ~S~

Signs from Above

There are two kinds of people... those who are inclined to believe in the unknown miracles, UFOs, angels etc and then of course there are those who do not. These are people who tend to be of a scientific persuasion where fact rules and faith is faulty. I am a Buddhist so I believe in reincarnation and the continuation of souls after they have left "our world." It has now been 2 years since my Mom died and I have never once questioned her continuing presence in my life. After she first passed I asked her to come to me in dreams. After one horrific one where she was diligently taking care of me as I lay dying of cancer I asked her to stop it was too painful to feel her in my dreams and wake to find her gone. My sister and I asked her to send us hearts almost immediately my tea formed a heart on the window of my car. Of course you can look into something to much but sometimes it is just to much of a coincidence. The period of time between November and March is filled with holidays and memories which is challenging but then comes a break until the big one Mother's Day. You may have not noticed but its rapidly coming up and my stressed self has developed my eye twitch again. Yesterday I felt like I was given a gift. I came back to my area in the store and a friend asked me to take over selling a Michelle watch ( they range from 500-2,000 but you need to have a specific knowledge of sizes and assembly to even sell them) I gladly agreed knowing this would be a good sale. After a while I was able to "create" her perfect watch and then to my even greater joy she decided to open a store credit card (we can get fired if we don't open any and I was reminded the day before I had none for this month). So yay big sale yay credit card app then as we began the long daunting process of enrolling I noticed her maiden name was Patricia Walsh. My heart stopped I turned flush.. how many Patricia Walshs are there in the country?? (google search update 1,124 to be exact only 61 Shannon Cassidys though) I blurted out "My Mother's name is Patricia Walsh too" she smiled "Oh, isn't that nice." Sure it could be a mere coincidence but really the odds are still very much in my favor it was a much needed sign from my Mom a little burst of a joy in an otherwise exhausting work week. I felt connected to her for a moment like I do when I watch the sun through the trees at her grave ( I can't wait to do that in 6 weeks) mostly because I get to take time to acknowledge her in my current life not just the Mom she was but the Mom she is the way she still supports and encourages me even in death.

Top Ten Things To Remember If I'm Ever A Bride

So you know that saying always a bridesmaid never a bride my life is slowly becoming that cliche. Now don't get me wrong I have been honored to be a bridesmaid in every wedding I have been in. I have also learned a few things along the way. This is no way meant to be about anyone just my general feelings. Everyone swears they will remember these things but somehow it tends to get lost in the hussle, bussle, and headaches of planning a wedding.

1. I will NOT be a bridezilla (Definition: a bride-to-be who focuses so much on the event that she becomes difficult and obnoxious) just take a deep breath and relax it will be okay
2. Just because you've been programmed since birth that this is "your special day" where you get to be "a princess" and you get whatever you want does not make it reality- that is not life... ever... not even for one day... no matter how special the day is 
3. Marriage- A-a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other  B- the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc. One of these sounds a lot better then the other doesn't it???
4. It's a wedding not a capitalist investment- in 10 years no will remember your center pieces probably not even you, or the name cards, save the money for important things or DIY
5. Love does not need to be proven with rings and a white dress it should be shown everyday through the commitment and actions of the partnership not just pledged one day out loud for your nearest and dearest 
6. Your guests are there to celebrate with you- shouldn't they be allowed to have some fun at your wedding too? bringing someone they care about, drinking, and light atmosphere are mandatory for guest pleasure let them have it they've spent a shitload of money on this night too
7. No one likes being in matching dresses and having to pay their hard earned money on something they will never wear again-seriously why are matching dresses still around???  
8. The whole event will fly by take time out to enjoy it be with the person you love and cherish it because tomorrow will just be another day- this day is special. Granted you will be Mrs so and so...that kinda makes the day after a little special too
9. Not everything will go exactly according to plan it is humanly impossible to control every minute detail so live in the moment... besides if you fall into the cake it will be a great story to tell the grandkids or submit to America's Funniest Home Videos
10. LOVE- Love is why you are doing this whole thing anyway. Make sure you are 110% sure and ready, that this is what you want, and you could not imagine life in any other way then this one- that this is the one person you want to share your life with every morning, every night, every sickness, and every moment. 

 

Giving Them What They Want VS What You Want to Give Them

So one of the few perks of my job is seeing people do what they do best...be people. I once had a conversation with a good friend about gift giving. Usually there is a disconnect in what you want to give the person vs what they actually want. He brought this concept up to me after one Christmas and I never really saw it's power until now. For instance I see this at least once a week in watches. A man comes in to buy a watch he says "I want her to have this one but I know she'd like this better.....I'll go with the first one" It never fails they almost always pick the one they want to give even when they know it's not the one the recipient will prefer!!!! It's crazy lol A man literally said to me "She likes plain simple things never wears any bling but I want to give her a bling watch because she deserves something pretty."Although that was a cute sentiment it's just going to upset the receiver because now she feels obliged to love it. Except when the L(lover) factor comes into play.This is how the L factor enters into the equation: They will like the item more because they really like the person who gave it to them. Now I have heard this as well "it's not really my style but my boyfriend picked it out and it was so thoughtful so I love it can you size it for me?" Bam you have now reversed the whole situation. You have turned an item they don't actually prefer into something they cherish damn you played your cards and it worked out well.... or "My boyfriend got me this watch it's totally not my style we broke up he just really doesn't understand me can I exchange this for one I actually like?" (true quote) and that folks is the risk you take. I hope you can learn something from these real life scenarios...next time you are buying a gift for someone you care about really think about what the result of your gift will be-not just the gift itself- if your girl prefers leather to diamonds maybe it's best if you just go with something you'll know she likes. It will save her from faking her happiness and me from dealing with the return :) follow my advice and you will be a champion gift giver. Don't forget it's always nice to get or give a gift just because :) ~S~

Loans or Life: Our dependence on money

I "can't help" but laugh at the reality of my horoscope today: "You can't help but feel that your life would run much more smoothly if there were no such thing as money! You can't help but feel frustrated by the amount of time and energy you spend sorting out your financial affairs. Unfortunately, Shannon, today will be another day of doing just that. It seems some bills were neglected recently, and today you need to sit down at your desk and sort out the mess. It's no fun, but at least by the end of the day you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you straightened everything out." Well it's the end of the day and instead of sorting it all out I have instead managed to spend a shit load of money on groceries... 90 bucks. For fuck sake I try I REALLY try- this month I budgeted each week paying my loan first then rent and using the measly 50 left to eat so spending 90 isn't an option but I needed it all. I felt really happy today I got so much accomplished but then I look at my bank account and feel like a failure. What was the point of college where did it really get me?!?!? Of course in 2005 no one knew how the economy would suck in 2012 and how none of the people I graduated with have a decent job in their field. Can't you learn just as much from life as you can from school? I am happy that my well rounded education allows me to comment gracefully on many topics but it certainly has not contributed financially to any job I have had since then. I think it's sad that so much of our "security" is based on money. We feel so threatened when we don't have any money because society has brainwashed us. There were times of trade and communities who worked together for everything they had there was no fear they just did what was necessary to survive. I just think it is important for us to examine how we tend to let money control us and instead focus on real tangible things that will help make us follow our passion and in turn bring us financial stability. I refuse to let money have any control over my dream to be here. http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/obama-student-loan-push-helps-him-court-crucial-135330798.html

J'ai le mal du pays

Home

I don't know what happened in the past 2 days but I became INSANELY homesick. I think part of it may be that now my housing situation here in LA could be ending and I may have to move.... it's hard to set up a life when you don't have a place to call home every night. They say home is where the heart is and my heart definitely wants to be here but it does miss family and friends. You wouldn't think a 3 hour time difference would make a difference but it does! I barley know what any of my friends are up in their daily lives and no one really knows what my life is like. There are 4 weddings I wish I could be at this summer Matt & Michael's, Liz &Dave, Sheila & Elton, and Lorri &Pat's. I think I will be only able to make Matt's I am a bridesmaid after all. I didn't realize how in 2 months I actually need to be home. I spent a good chunk of the day looking at flights and analyzing the best days to take off work and fly on. I hope one day I'll have enough money and freedom to be able to go back whenever my heart desires for any event or any whim. I started a mental bet with myself of who is going to give me the biggest hug you would be surprised how one can miss a true, strong, sincere hug. If you were around circa November 2009 you remember my strong disdain for fake not affectionate pity hugs. I am also convinced my "little" brother will be a full 6 feet by the time I return. I am so curious what things have changed and what has remained the same. 2 months really isn't that long it snuck up on me quite quickly actually. Now I am going in this week to get everything approved at work so I can book a ticket hopefully by next week I will have official dates!!! There a Buddhist quote that reads "Even if someone is close by, their heart may be distant. But if someone is far away, if there is a heart to heart bond they could not be closer. The heart is what counts. In the world of hearts there is no separation. ~S~

Memory Revival

The other day I had this curious thought... it came about from another random thought about this movie Final Cut Robin Williams is in where everyone's memories are recorded but in one scene a person who is still living watches a clip of someone whose dead and they remember the exact moment in time completely differently. So I wonder if I could see how other people remember moments that influenced me so strongly if we would see the same thing. I really think I see the world in away most people don't from a perspective most people don't understand. It's primarily a feeling based memory if I do anything that holds a memory I automatically think of the last time I had a memory with that thing. For instance it happens with clothing I put on a dress and automatically think "the last time I wore this dress I was doing X". The same things happens with restaurants "the last time I ate here I was with X" and so for and so on really any tangible thing I could have any attachment to. It's like my brain is programmed to revert to memories and not just put on the dress and go without a thought. If your reading my blog you know I have been working on putting the past behind and moving towards the future as well as breaking bad habits. I think this memory revival brain pattern is just like a habit one that I get some kind of reward from so therefore I repeat the behavior subconsciously. I haven't figured it out completely yet like I said it was a random idea from a random thought mostly brought on by this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIEwhtUNTck

Dingle 2009

Dingle 2003

I actually became familiar with the photographer Irina Werning's work when I first moved to LA. Me, being the sentimentalist I am, LOVED the idea of recreating a photo from your childhood. I tried to do this when I was in Ireland the last time after a few minutes my Mom got frustrated with me she said "Shannon you can't recreate the past, just take a new favorite picture." I was mad in the moment but she was right. I think now I wasted 10 minutes of time trying to recreate something when I should have been enjoying 10 minutes of new memories since those were some of our last days together. Does it do us any good if someone remembers something differently or is better to just relish in our own memory the way we believe it to be?

The Adventure Seeker

Half way through the cross country trip in Texas!

The Light Show Just after Dusk

Traveling In Europe- Nice was a must see!

I, like most people, love to travel. I however think I enjoy it for different reasons then some people. Often times a person wants to get away for awhile forget their life and forget time. When I travel I want to live in the moment and experience everything I possibly can. For as long as I can remember I always wanted to go to Paris. I begged my mom to buy me Muzzy tapes so I could learn French when I was 5. It wasn't until I got to France did I realize it was probably Belle from Beauty and the Beast that started my French obsession. Paris changed my life in so many ways- I literally think the trajectory of my life path changed when I was there. Some people are content to be just where they are and don't have any strong desire to think differently. Whereas as I long to explore new places, things, and cultures. My roommate was describing me to someone and said "She's probably at home eating mashed potatoes and watching mad men." At first I was taken aback at this description..is this how people see me??? as the girl who stays in watching period tv shows and eating??? I like to think of myself as someone who is always striving to learn and explore her world an adventure seeker of sorts. I always have a next destination plan- first it was Europe followed by the cross country voyage both which I did completely independently. Now I want to see Alaska i'm dying to see the glaciers and wildlife. It takes a lot to have fears and yet still do something anyways. I have never not done something because I had to do it alone so it's interesting be here in LA because it's like an adventure in life as opposed to traveling. However I still can't seem to get enough... the thrill of exploring something new is never fully satisfied ~S~

pimp my horse

If you need a silly laugh before bed watch this http://now.msn.com/now/0405-pimp-horse-viral-video.aspx

Reflections at the 6 Month Mark

It's official I have been in Los Angeles for 6 months now- which is half a year in the grander scheme of things. It is literally unbelievable to me. Sometimes I think I have done much and taken so many steps in being here. Some days I feel like I have done nothing considering how little I am doing in terms of anything artistic or worthwhile. I had a lot of ideas of what it would be like- I knew it would be hard but I'm finding it's harder in ways I didn't anticipate like the immense loneliness and lack of genuine human interaction being  the biggest deterrent. It's inspiring in a way that's hard to explain but every "typically hollywood" thing makes me ecstatic. Like being in the surroundings of something amazing makes you feel amazing too. Sometimes I wonder if people think about me like I think about them or have they forgotten me? What is life like when someone is no longer in it?When I first got here everyone the first 6 months is hell it's still hard after that but the first 6 are the worst. So cheers to surviving 6 and here's hoping for  6 more!

HOW I almost MET Jason Segel (not your mother)

The Den

It had the makings of a great night...it was Maria's (my favorite co worker and close friend) birthday celebration at the Den in Hollywood. Erica and I were late because well it's LA and you have to look good, and drive far, parking etc.. Needless to say when we finally got in the place it was alive with young adults living it up. Per my usual game plan I did a lap to see if there were any attractive straight men about...after a few minutes I resigned to sitting on the patio next to the fire pit. These 3 drunk guys were repeatedly having this stupid conversation :
Idiot 1: "Jason Segel man"
Idiot 2 : "who is that"
Idiot 3: "ya know the guy from that movie the tall one"
Idiot 2: "From the office"
Idiot 1: "no the one from the movie with that blonde girl"

this went on for several minutes I had to jump in considering they could not actually name a single Jason Segel anything A- HOW I MET YOU MOTHER! B- The Muppets just came out C-Forgetting Sarah Marshall.. the puppet musical!! D- I love you, man all this I could spurt out in 5 seconds. I was not drunk so I did have a bit of an advantage. Either way Idiot 2 still had no clue and the conversation went another direction. 10 minutes later this comes up again when I hear "Damn he's gone now" I ask whose gone? Idiot 1 "Jason Segel" ... picture me mouth agape staring with dagger eyes. I come to find out Jason was at the table one over from the Idiots. He had been there the whole time and I hadn't noticed why cruel god of fate and the universe did I not see him?!?!? What was the point of my lap- maybe I should wear my glasses for the initial intell and then take them off??? boooooo. I began to think what I would say "Hey Jason I think you're fantastic and super funny, not to mention tall which is super sexy, do you like fries? I have some fries we could share, do you date civilians? do you want to date me? did I mention I think you're super sexy and funny...just saying" I imagine it would have gone something like that. On a more serious note my plan would have involved falling- it's something I am totally capable of and he's a good guy I'm sure he'd catch me..or I'd fall on my face start bleeding and he'd feel obliged to help. Anyways he was gone and I had wished I could have made had more sense of the drunk Jason ramblings earlier on. I preceded to have fun danced with some Swedish guys and overall had a fantastic evening. Sure a kiss under those white twinklings lights next to the fire pit with Jason's arms around me would have been nice but after that moment my heart said "you'll see him again" so if anyone has any good lines let me know- I'm thinking singing "I would walk 500 miles and I would 500 more just to me the girl who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door"....that might do the trick.

How to End a Bad Habit

Which path do you choose?

So depending on when I am scheduled I inevitably ending up taking my lunch break during either the Ellen Degenerous Show, The Windy Williams Show(how you doooinn), or Anderson Cooper. This also usually runs into TMV Live and the People's Court..... not my choice but it's the breakroom's standard. Today is was Anderson, and the topic bad habits. Immediately when one mentions bad habits you suddenly think about all of your own. I think my worst habit is laziness, followed by the common girl problem of emotional eating, and of course as mentioned in an earlier blog drunk texting. Charles Duhigg explains the 4 step process to changing any bad habit:

1. Identify the routine- what is the habit you are doing?
2. Identify the reward- what do you get from completing the routine behavior?
3. Isolate the cue- what is triggering your behavior?
4. Have a Plan- “The next time I see the cue, I’m going to do ‘x’ and my reward is going to be ‘y.’”

Lets take emotional eating something girls do ALL THE TIME!!

1. I think I have worked so hard I deserve to eat this pain au chocolate as a reward for my efforts and dedication
2. I get a sense of satisfaction a treat for doing a good job
3. Feeling like I do so much that it not appreciated
4. Next time when I am at work and feel that way I will instead take a break at the scenic overlook of LA/the hills and remember how much I accomplished by coming here!

Good plan! right?!?!? When it's broken down to those simple steps ANYTHING becomes possible. It even works for mental behaviors which apparently is all explained in Mr Duhigg(what an amazing last name)'s book The Power of Habit if you would like to see the interview and tips you can watch it at http://www.andersoncooper.com/2012/04/10/dr-charles-duhigg-tips-on-how-to-break-a-bad-habit/

There are some other things I am currently working on "breaking" considering I need to be a complete open book to act it's all a part of giving it 100% plan a step closer each day~S~

The "Hulk" in You

The release of rage

I have never been one to deal with anger well. If I am ever yelled at or even scolded I cry... I can't help it. People think anger and sadness are two different emotions but they are not. They're just different reactions to the same feeling of being upset and frustrated. For awhile I became intrigued by the idea of learning to box to focus angry energy and channel it, I think I want to look into that again. As an actress you have to be in touch with your emotions all of them so that you can summon them at any moment. If any particular emotion is blocked you're done for. I feel angry the most when things are beyond my control like my issue with the bank today. When someone says “Oh I’m sorry but there is nothing you can do at this time” it's a frustrating thing to hear. That’s when it takes the stronger power of wisdom and patience to figure out a solution. I am angry about a lot of things that happened when my Mom died and how I was told to do and be things I did not want to. However at the end of the day anger just eats you alive it's no good for the body or the soul. The opposite of anger is peace... a tranquility that only comes with acknowledging the anger and moving past it. I know this isn't the best blog but we all have to find a way to conquer are inner Hulk for tonight this blog needs to be mine.

This is an interesting article about anger http://www.thenoisecast.com/2011/04/defuse-my-anger/

Honin Myo

The Lotus Flower Booms and Seeds Simultaneously

So what does Honin Myo mean?!? This is one of my favorite Buddhist sayings...it means from this point on. Whatever happened is in this past from this very moment you will start  again looking towards the future. Holding on to my past  and the way things once were has always been a big issue for me. If you know me you know I use to over dramatize, romanticize, and generally lived in a self deluded mind set(still do to an extent???). Much of that changed when I became a Buddhist. I have a great quote hanging in my room that reads "Do not dwell in the past Do not dream of the future Concentrate the mind on the present moment." When my Mom died I saw how precious and short life really is. If I die at 48 from a rare cancer I want to know I lived every damn moment of my life to the fullest no regrets Non, je ne regrette rien. I want my life to have meaning and have been beneficial to others in some way. I want to be a film actress who inspires others to strive for and achieve their dreams. For the past 2 months I have been actively trying to go through my human revolution and take full responsibility for my current life state (poor, lonely, not acting, not respected) and change myself to in turn change my environment. This is a fundamental Buddhist idea that you are a reflection of your life and only you have the power to change your own situation. It's really hard for me to see people who always play the victim poor me, this always happens to me, etc etc I know my current situation isn't great but I am working to improve it and myself. I want people to know that I knew it would be hard coming out here alone and it turned out to be much harder then I anticipated but although it is taking more time then I wanted I am not giving up Honin Myo from this point on....~S~

Love Letters: The Most Romantic Thing in the World

     Ever since I was little I have had a fascination with letters. I remember being taught how to write a formal letter in school and I was so excited! I was even more excited when it came time to learn cursive. Now at the ripe age of 25  I've realized that cursive writing and especially letter writing are a lost art form.  I think letters have a way of communicating ideas and feelings that an email can just not completely convey. When I was backpacking in Europe I wrote letters to my friends back home and it was actually fun not to mention the excitement of actually receiving a letter in the mail! Men make a mental note this can also be quite romantic... so next time your considering sending and email think about maybe sending a letter to the girl you like- she will adore it... trust me.
       One of my favorite books The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society is written as letters. There just something about writing one that gives you a feeling of openness like you can say what you really feel.  I am notorious for writing letters when there is something that I really need to say but can't seem to say face to face. Persuasion, most likely my favorite book in the world, has one of the most amazing letters ever written:

"I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in F. W.

I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father's house this evening or never."

       A scholar write this about the letter http://www.utexas.edu/features/2010/02/08/love_letters/   Another popular love letter is talked about in Sex and the City from Ludwig Van Beethoven to his "Immortal Beloved" which reads :  Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
From Jane Eyre this quote makes me cry:

"I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you - especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land some broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, - you'd forget me.”

If you are a girl I am sure your heart must have melted by now but in this day in age can so much lovely sentiments really be appreciated for it's beauty? Watch this more modern love story here: http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/love-letter-finally-delivered-60-years-first-written-165305864.html?fb_action_ids=833708419975&fb_action_types=news.reads&fb_source=other_multiline&code=AQDs5OfLwWojenSg-RuINKuqklYSBBdz_6KQGNOBo7nFdkrbSjyOSzIF9sN3205m3zz0x7wFyB-ZhDwgkVIdC4m4Gl3w4_2E_OIohtvwaH53dODCccrGeWizNIk8SOzH-bO9m7SkJvzLNk2oRanpoKJ194r7ePp1RQvjGdTNWTX11LWWn1xxQI28c-xFLDHQtTA# 
In closing I must say throughout time the love letter is still the most romantic thing in the world and if you ever are lucky enough to receive one be thankful you got one of the good ones ~S~    

Subconscious Feelings/Thoughts

I believe once a person finds a place in your heart they always stay there in some way even if the circumstances change. For instance it has been 2 years since my Mom died and I still think the weirdest things sometimes. For instance I had pulled into work dreading going in when I had the subconscious "Call Mom she'll make you feel better" thought immediately my conscious brain snapped in "No she's dead you idiot you can't do that" This has happened to me only 3 times but every time its freaks me out that somewhere in my head I haven't processed that she's gone that below my conscious level of thinking about her my brain still feels another way. I just spent the last ten minutes thinking about what I would have my future kids call my mom Angel Patty, Heaven Grandma how I would want them to feel like they could talk to her, like I do, even thought she's no longer here. Why did my subconscious even start that thought process? I am not pregnant or plan on having kids soon so this is in no way an immediate concern. Maybe it's because I'm hanging out with my new favorite coworker who's pregnant or the fact that Mother's Day is coming either way the power of your subconscious really is mind blowing. I remember kissing someone once and my first thought was"That wasn't anything like when you kissed X" I was appalled at myself why did that thought come up at that moment?!?!? My point is just that it is important to take time to just allow yourself to think, chanting is a time I think about the things I want and what I hope to accomplish and do for others. If I don't acknowledge how I am truly feeling at any random moment in life my subconscious surely will remind me. So I am acknowledging I miss my mom terribly, and my family and friends back home-At the store today 4 people were given awards and they secretly had their families/friend/roommates there it was so precious but there was something about it that made me think I wish the people I love would just randomly be here one day- how amazing would that be? Can you believe I have been here a half a year...it will be 6 months on the 11th...can't wait to go home for Matt's wedding or someone can come surprise visit me!

I would walk 500 Miles

There is an episode of How I Met Your Mother where it shows Marshall's beloved car that continually plays the Proclaimers song 'I'm gonna be' (500 miles). During a road trip the song goes from a terrific jam and then the worst song in the world. It comes up later in another episode as well  http://youtu.be/yhcFpbnQghk I love the sentiment behind this song because I think if someone said to you "But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles to fall down at your door" It would be pretty frickin romantic.
Here are some things I would walk 1,000 miles for:

• To my friends and family who I epically miss (too bad they're 2,300 miles away)
• To pay off my student loan
• To have a conversation with my Mom
• To meet the love of my life
• For adventure just because I like to see things
• For a lead role in a feature film  

   What would you walk 1,000 miles for?