The Independent Woman's Conundrum

        In the past year I've really struck about the idea of personal Independence- what if means to have it or not, it's pros and cons and what it means for me, personally, in my life. Now i'm not just talking about the showy very bold Beyonce "I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent" kind of independent women.It's power can't be denied of course 10 Most Empowering Beyonce Songs (although I prefer my role models to be more clothed). I'm also pointing out the everyday subtle independence that's about the pure joy and freedom of running one's own life the way you, and only you, wish it to be.
            I left home at 24 to move from Massachusetts out to LA my mom had died 2 years earlier and my father was not very present.  I had made the choice at 16 to move to LA and everything after that was just a series of steps to bring that to fruition. There was no one there to try to stop me but even if there had been I would have done it anyways. I only had one panic attack 4 hours into my cross country move where I doubted my choice and wanted to return, it lasted 10 minutes, and I haven't looked back since. I didn't always have a strong inner voice I had to find it and develop it and education was a big part of that. However once I found it.....it was all me- my choice and my dreams. I believed in standing up for something you wanted even at the risk of failure and I still do.
        I always knew it would be hard there was never a doubt in my mind about that. I made a goal the next year to be financially independent at any price. I knew as long as someone was paying for me they could have control over me and even take it all away. That first 6 months I made only $10 a hour and somehow managed to live in this very expensive city. By the next September I had a job that paid all my bills, nothing extra, but just enough. It wasn't until recently when my health has been bad have I had to ask for anything.
          I have friends in different cultural communities who have little to no Independence. They are confined to live with their parents until marriage and don't have much opportunity for their voices and thoughts to be acknowledge. It also come with a strong bond of care, sometimes over bearing care, that I can't fathom. No one ever tells me what to do or how to live my life. Sometimes I wish I had that person who cares enough to be that involved no matter how menacing or annoying it seems. It fascinating to see this dichotomy play our in our lives. Both successful, intelligent women whose live are influenced my such a different set of standers and rules.

      Without freedom of choice I buck like a wild horse someone is trying to tame. The more someone tells me what I "have to do" the more I want to rebel against it. I think it's important especially as a women, to always be knowledgeable about your options in all circumstances. Try and learn everything about it so you can make the most informed choice for yourself. I can't and won't knock down someone for choosing to live a life that is kept under a more patriarchal system. I do however vehemently am adamant about fighting for women who can't make that choice that need our help in being able to stand up and be independent.
       When I see the news stories around the world I can't believe how little freedom others have. It's not even women but young girls who endure female genital mutilation, rape, and domestic abuse. I wish I could be the voice for every single person that can't have one- I don't know how to do that. So I write it out in blogs and raps and hope that it touches someone so they can be part of my goal too.



   Wow Shannon this has been such a pro independent women piece- what is this "conundrum" you're on about? I've seen it in my life and in one particular friend. She has a master degree, is a powerhouse of questioning privilege and diversity, and she answers to no one. Sometimes though on certain days... she just wants to be taken care of. I had the same thought yesterday- my body was very week from the SIBO and I paused thinking how nice it would be if someone could clean my smoothie containers so I could make one to eat. There's that pang of longing where you're seeking help and comfort but the structure of the life you have doesn't have that built into it.
          I struggle with the idea of "I need someone" vs "no, I can do it all myself." When you don't have anyone around you can't be disappointed but when you need someone, there isn't always someone watching your back for you either. I don't know the solution and how the puzzle pieces fit together I flip flop daily.This isn't a bad thing it just is a piece that's important to remember. People need people no matter how much we fight it! It's so easy to say I'm going to this with no one's help but my own. That's such a great fighting spirit but we also have to consider the type of people we want to be on our journey with. Friends who support are advancements at work, girlfriends who don't just gripe about boys, and mentors to continue to inspire you to grow.   
         I also worry how much influence men have over me and the patriarchal that still runs much of my environment. I like to believe in equality but I don't see it happening. Patricia Arquette's said in her now world famous Oscar speech “It’s our time to have wage equality once and for all and equal rights for women in the United States of America.” The way our health care laws are made without consulting women and the predominance of rape culture. I'm conflicted about how to live within this system while fighting against it.

      My wish is for all the independent women out there who pay all their own bills, including student loans, their rent, their food, who refuse to bend to the status quo to surround yourself with like minded people. Those who can be there for you in your "I just want someone to take care of me" moments and your "I do my job better then that guy but get paid half as much" frustrations. Together we can do anything in the words of Beyonce:

 
   Now if we could get this video but with ALL KINDS of powerful women that would be epic!
Mother Theresa, Malala Yousafzai, Gloria Steinem, Rosa Parks, Jill Stein, Maya Angelou, Hillary Clinton,Tina Fay, Laverne Cox, Elizabeth Warren, Opra Winfrey just off the top of my head- may have to make this video myself!  

50 Shades is the Classic Fairytale Storyline

     The number one thing that people always get "twisted up" about (yes that's a bondage joke) when discussing 50 Shades of Grey is the BDSM elements. I've seen so many comments about it portraying a emotionally abusive relationship and that's perpetuating negative types of relationships. Let me just say this : 50 Shades of Grey follows a very similar storyline as ALL classic princess movies. How can you get more worked up about this film then a girl getting locked in a dungeon and then slowly over time giving up her whole life for her captor. This first came into my realm of awareness after watching my friend Alex Clark's hilarious animated video: 50 Shades of Beauty and the Beast

Opinions from someone who has never read/seen the story

      Now lets backtrack just a little bit. I must admit I read only about 50 pages...truly 50 ;) of the first book and it didn't really turn me on so to speak perhaps my taste are "more singular" -God I hope these movie references and puns are funny to someone reading this. Mostly because as a sapiosexual I NEED good writing in order to be stimulated and that dare I say that garbage didn't quite do the trick. None the less as all the billboards in LA tantalized me Curious? I slowly became more so and that damn sexy trailer too. I admit that I was everything this pr/marketing team wanted their ideal demographic so to speak.

      So when my coworker and I had the day off for President day we decided to go. I know this will be an unpopular sentiment but... really our reaction to the girl's choice is the problem in all of this. Here's some reasons
1- He says from the beginning "I don't do romance" and I don't date, sleep in any one's bed etc but yet Anastasia still thinks she'll change him/win him over and he'll change. He's being very upfront and clear about what he's emotionally capable of and how he lives his life and yet she still in every scene tries to change that.
2- ALL the other girls who he had this arrangement with seemingly agreed to the lifestyle willingly (although not reading the series I can't be certain on this). No one was "forced" into anything. The contract actually makes the relationship more defined and structured then in most common every day scenarios where you're wondering around in labeless confusion getting unsolicited dick pics and wondering what the hell kind of setup your in.
3- She buys into being wooed,although somewhat begrudgingly, and accepts ALL OF the lavish gifts he imparts on her. She lets herself be won over by his planes, tuxes, lifestyle, apartment, etc. Her life was fairly boring like Belle and then a stranger creates a new and exciting world that they are all to eager to join and get swept up in.
4- There really is only a guise of her being independent and making decisions based on her needs aka a few changes in the contract etc. She allows herself to follow the predetermined rules and does so of her own will and understanding.
   

There are lots more of these celebrity gifs out there 50 Shades of Fey was my 2nd favorite

      Another point that just needs to be thrown in here is that in real life BDSM couple 2 adult people are mutually agreeing to conduct themselves by certain rules and behaviors. It depends on ABSOLUTE trust,faith, and safety. No one is being manipulated or pushed into that kind of lifestyle. SO the idea that these people are emotionally abusing their partners is so far from the true intent of the practice. I work with people in domestic abuse scenarios every day and that's true manipulation not this movie.

       So getting back to the Princess point. Girl lives mundane life- meets interesting stranger- is curious and intrigued- wants to see what his life is all about- willing to leave everything she knows for boy- does so. Is that not The Little Mermaid in a Nutshell?!?! Or Beauty and the Beast just take away the details and it's all the same. The girls are swept up in the fantasy of the man's world and willingly enter into it whether the change is from the ocean to land or small live to lavish portland city life. They all seem self sufficient and independent but in reality are just looking to be swept away into a life beyond their wildest dreams the only difference is a castle vs penthouse.
 

It's quoted around the internet as being IN THE NOVEL!

    I've wrote about modern America 20 somethings Princess Delusions before (This is from when I was 25 and wow my writing has come so far). It's a theme that has a continuous undercurrent in my life as someone who struggles to be completely independent of needing a man and the longing of wanting a long term partner. There are moments when I think what it would be like to date a CEO or find a guy traveling the world who will turn out to be a Prince of some small country I've never heard of. More so I dream of a regency era gentleman who asks me to dance and take a turn around the garden. I let myself go there briefly it's easy to get swept up in that as your ongoing narrative. I have been fighting it every day since I realized I want to live in the real world more then one of my own creation- that's not easy for an actress, whose a lucid dreamer, and has a wildly imaginative brain.
“Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.”
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey  

      So I just ask people to consider what is it that really bothers them about 50 Shades of Grey? The bondage in the first film is not very explicit eyes masks, ice cubes, limbs ties to the bed, there's only one scene where she begs him to "show her the worst"  which he does and she hates. As long as people are being safe and consensual I would never enter into judgement about their sexual habits. What I think really bothers people is that this is another tale of yet another women choosing to be swept up in the Princess world. By letting him call all the shots and giving up all her power. It's twisted and needs to be corrected yes but then you shouldn't dress up your child in Princess costumes and tell them to wait for their white knight either.

Just for one last chuckle!

What a Dick Pic Means to Me

*There are two dick pics in this post- you've been warned         

     To me a dick is just like looking at any other part of the body a knee, left ear lobe, pinkie finger. But Shannon you'll say there is a sexual element to this body part. Suuuure I'll agree to that certain dicks may illicit that kind of response. However when I get woken up by the ding of my phone and see that it's a guy I've been chatting to only to open it and reveal a fully erect penis... I'm not happy- I'm not attracted to it, I don't want to see it , and my personal bubble of safety feels intruded upon. There are scenarios when that might not be the case mostly when I've know a person for a long time and there dick means something to me.

Yep- this is probably the most cliche girl thing I will ever write but only when I have an emotional attachment to the person the dick is attached to is it something I want to see. Call me crazy but random dicks DO NOT TURN ME ON. So now that we've covered my opinion let's discuss why men feel the need to send dick pics- let's hypothesize
A- they think it turns us on
B-they get off on someone seeing it with out the judgment of it being a real encounter
C- that ego
D- asserting a dominating element "you will see this whether you want to or not"
Here's some comments from actual men about this phenomena:
Glamour- Why dudes send dick picks ( In their words)

Funny Story:
I give a guy my number (in reality I accidentally give him my sister's number I end in 42 she ends in 43). Side note: my sister and I have done this at least 4 times now we never mean to but it always turns out pretty funny. I get a text "Hey, I just text you sister glad I didn't open with a dick pic." I wrote back something like "haha good thing you didn't" to which he responded "so.....no dick pic then?" It was hilarious when I thought he was playing on the stupidity of this absurd trend but it was annoying as fuck when I realized he really meant it.

The Burning Question on my Mind:
When did this all start like approximately circa 2007 maybe ?!?! I got my first at 19 and it was shocking then like I was blown away - now it seems common place. It's so common place in fact this girl a self proclaimed "dick critic" wrote an article about how to take a good one... which I appreciate because number 10 is this (which should be number one) "Make sure you’re meeting bare minimum standards of human decency by only sending dick pics to people who’ve consented to see them." 10-dos-donts-of-dick-pics If you feel brave (I really mean that) you can see her critiquemydickpic.tumblr where she grades and critiques submissions all with senders full permission so "nothing untoward" about that minus a lot a lot of penis.  This one I just have to share from a man about to go to jail..... I laughed out loud for a solid minute

I also chuckled when I changed the "format size" from medium to extra large to make the text and picture more readable- S.C

 On a personal note this tumblr made me realize all my sexual encounters have had really nice dicks something I didn't know I should be grateful for until viewing this account. Momentary pause to hope none of them are reading this and the sigh of relief realizing none of them ever will. But if this blog does find any of you pat yourself on the back you're dick was great.

Another example:
Aziz Ansari in his comedy special does a funny bit on the commonality of the trend.
Another big chunk of Buried Alive is about the strangeness of dick pics. Why did you choose to make it such a sizable segment in the special?
I was just talking about how dumb guys are nowadays, and the idea that people are sending dick pics – it's so crazy to me. When I started asking audiences, "Clap if you're a single woman and a guy sent you a dick pic," I was very surprised. What percentage would you think would get a dick pic? I would guess 40 percent. But it seemed like every city I went to, it was at least 80 percent. And that was startling, that such a high percentage of them had something that absurd happen to them. It seems like such a dumb thing. I say this in the special, but I just don't understand the logic behind it. A dick is a very dumb-looking, boring thing. Excerpt for Village Voice

This is real life:
Do you really think I could write an article and not include a photo?!? This is THE BEST/WORST dick pic I've ever received and the count is probably near 20 at this point. I believe this man called it "mighty cock" or some such heroic name really the possibilities are endless.

Imagining opening up your phone and seeing this... what is your reaction?!? In memory serves me my mouth fell opened then I looked away then I laughed then I looked again to make sure it was really indeed a girl action figure toy on his cock and then I was over it. Sure, because I'm brilliant at that kind if thing, I could have said something witty/sexy in return but the bottom line is there is nothing really sexy about that!

Consent first send second:
What I want to get back to is the UNSOLICITED element of this. If you're in a sexting scenario or a partnership fine by all means divulged in a little fun play when it's open welcome and consented upon. By sending someone out of the blue/randomly/ or as an opener after getting their number it is NOT OKAY! It's sexual harassment plain and simple and yet it goes so wildly unpunished and continues to run rampant I dare say world wide, even though I have no proof of this. Do we let this just keep going on spiraling more and more out of control till we fear every ding of our phones?!? I feel I shouldn't have to be afraid to give out my number or be blamed for giving it out and then in turn getting these photos.

Check out Elite Daily's Video:

Final thoughts:
I just... can't... really I can't. I am all for a mutual expression of sexuality in creative ways when both adults consent to it. I am not for being exposed to sexuality illicit materials when I'm not expecting it or seeking it out even in non dating contexts. You have no right to affront me with that shit and I would never do that to someone else. What offends one person may not another and that really is not a risk I think anyone would want to take in this world of lawsuits but with the decline of common decency that seems to have become void. I think intimate things should be shared with those who you can trust intimately if not it does not belong on my iphone. I'm wrapping this up with one last picture

(eye roll) This is too common for any one's good!

The Privilidge of Health

           Health is truly one of those things you take for granted until you don't have it. Sure that yearly flu reminds you how sensitive your body is to it's environment and also it's tremendous power to heal. However what happens you body seems to be continuously letting you down. If you can go about you day and not think about everything you put in your mouth you have this privilege. If you can go to any parking lot and not have to worry wear the handicap spot is or if there's accessible stairways then you have this privilege. If you've never had to go to weekly chemo treatments, allergy shots, etc you have this privilege.

For the past 4 months every single thing I've put in my mouth I have to consider
A) what is the likely hood this will make me sick
B) what are the compounds that make up this items?
    1. Is this a compound that makes me sick
    2. Do I want to risk it and do it anyways?
C) How much or little of this do I want to consume
D) If I have a reaction to this how far away from a trash/toilet/safety am I?
E) When was the last time I had this- how did I feel after?

And then after considering all these things- will I eat/ drink this item?

      It is not a fun way to live it makes eating out nearly impossible I stick to the same 3 restaurants and eat the same thing each time. It makes the idea of "splurging" on a good meal or a delicacy void
It makes socializing, holidays, and any event where "food is provided" hell to attend. I'm not going to get started on $300 i've spent on doctors alone (will save heath care costs for another blog post). So how can I transform this post into something inspiring and not just about what's it's like to have IBS and SIBO and after 2 treatments no success in eliminating the bacteria?

      How about discussing a commitment to health. None of this is about weight for me other then the fact I would like my ever increasing gas filled stomach to be smaller! It's about how having a body, combined with the mind, and soul can be a vessel of and health can contribute to happiness. When you're well the day is easier, anyone who has experienced chronic pain knows how debilitating long term pain can be to your happiness. I don't think it's impossible just much more of a challenge "to be happy" when the body/mind/soul aren't in a working symbiosis.

       When all is said and done at the end of the day i'm committed to my well being. I'm not ignoring the issues hoping they'll vanish by good luck or fate. Instead i'm  everyday actively attempting to find a neutral balance in myself. I've now done 2 days of a 5 day experiment (doctors suggestion) having only smoothies to give my GI tract a "rest"so far it's only made me starving, cranky, and actually made my stomach as big as it was off the diet and on antibiotics. These series of setbacks are crushing because they've told me "you're doing all you can do" and so I just keep trying. Sometimes the biggest lesson you can learn is to just keep trying.

28 and Never Been in a Relationship

      

        So this isn't like never been kissed where some horribly dorky goal gets a makeover and finds a really great guy. It's the story of a someone whose had her fair share of dorky phases but it generally considered pretty. The story of someone who can strike up a conversation with just about anyone and be engaging. The story of one girl who at 28, even with several lovely traits to recommend her, has never been anyone's girlfriend. For the purposes of this article we are disregarding the writers 1 day "relationship" in 6 th grade and 3 day "stint" in 7th grade although both these guys are still in her life and she's glad of it. This is the story of how turning 28 hit her heart in a totally unexpected way.
         It started with a thought, as most of my articles do, when I was at my birthday party and realized huh- when I was a teenager I always imagined i'd get married at 28. It was what my young naive brain considered an ideal timeline "oh i would have met someone by 25 we could have had 3 years traveling, hanging out, and being awesome, I don't need to get married earlier, then have my first kid by 30." For the past few years this imaginary deadline never came to mind but for some reason dressed in 70's garb drinking an alcoholic snow cone in Hollywood it did. In immediate fear and shock I pulled out my phone to check happn and see the immediate men in my vicinity at that moment. Thinking maybe it's tonight, maybe it's now.... it wasn't.
          Truly 28 was just this arbitrary number that seemed to fit into the plan of what I imagined my life to be what my 16 year old self wanted. My 28 year old self can not imagine being married right now it's hard enough planning a date with my schedule let alone a full blown partnership. The truth hit me like a ton of bricks a few mornings after. Michael was imparting his sage wisdom that "it's better to not drink at all then have one beer." To which I turned to him and said "Michael I will always care for him but he is not what I want anymore. He's not the man because X, Y, Z. Also because I want someone who wants me. Where we look into each others eyes and pick each other. I've never been anybody's girlfriend I've never been in a reciprocal love relationship and I'm 28 and that sucks" I was crying at this point. He stared back at me with a deep look of sadness. I turned away and murmured "I try -I don't what else to do" and he answered with his usual retort "it's a numbers game you just" " i know I know" I stop him begging not to hear this theory again.
           The idea just kept ruminating in the back of my psyche popping up every few hours nagging at the part of my conscious brain that just didn't want to pay it any mind. Is this me? or some societal deadline i'm inflicting on myself? It's me I want this- let's be real with ourselves we want this... it went on this way for a week. I had a meetup with a guy from tinder who was hosting and preforming a comedy show in Hollywood. I dragged my friend after work to go but the whole event was closing down as we got there and I only saw him briefly twice before he seemingly vanished. Not wanting to seem to eager and say hi when I first arrived and then he didn't respond to my text. To make the situation more interesting we were drinking "the nectar of the gods" amazon meal that is suppose to illicit fertility and sexual vigor.

           He was insanely attractive, a dj, a comedian oh and had a beard :) but this was a fail all around.We decided to try our luck strolling down hollywood blvd on the walk of fame. We split a slice of pizza and meandered by the bars looking to see who was out and what we could find. Standing outside the W peering into the outside bar my friend said "Soul mate are you there?!? ( long pause) no my soul mates not here." She made a very sad dejected pout face hung her head and pretended to be crushed. This joke became our new thing as we walked in and out of places looking for our soul mates. It was silly we were having but the underlining truth was that two sexy, awesome, intelligent, ladies were both still very single.
         We went into a sports bar after I announced "come on a sports bar will have guys let's go." She suggests doing a lap which I pleasantly agree. It's one of my personal favorite ways to "scope out the scene" also good for celebrity spotting and finding the emergency exits. As we passed these 2 gentleman at the corner of the bar they totally turned their heads and were checking us out. I say over my shoulder "did you see that?" "yep" she smirked back. We decide to leave anyway but being in this playful mode I go over to the window outside to see if there still there. We were lingering joking around about fried chicken when the taller bearded guy came into the lobby and looked out at us. I looked back told her to come look. It sounds truly ridiculous now recanting this back and forth game but we were just fucking around and certainly not taking our search seriously at all. We continued on our way to a convenient store to look at the fake Oscars. When low and behold who come into the store a few moments later but the 2 guys.
          She looks at me and snickered "you know these are the guys right" to which I respond "I know" with a smirk. I don't know how it happened but it mere few seconds i'm now dancing with a Jewish Seth Rogen look alike in the middle of a convenient store on the walk of fame. Banter goes on about my key necklace being the key to my heart her crystal necklace holding secret powers blah blah blah. We continue talking outside for about a half hour and the conversation went in all the ridiculous ways first conversations usually do.
            I became really aware in that moment their are two kinds of girls when it comes to leaving men your not interested in. Type A: the ones who don't engage in conversation or politely say bye i'm not interested etc and leave Type B: the ones who even though they aren't interested stay. This situation has happened so many time in my various bar, club, event settings but for whatever reason at this moment it becomes clear. I am the type A girl I would rather being doing anything else more worthy of my time then spending another second around someone who can't doesn't spark my intellectual interests. She's type B and the slow decline of conversations spirals to a level of boredom all of us are too polite to exit from.
     The highlight of the conversation and the purpose for all this back story is:
Bearded guy: I have a guestion when you ladies came into the bar you clearly seemed like you were looking for something... what was it?
( we exchange glances)
Friend: french fries
Me: ya we had pizza and we've been walking up and down the bulevard looking for fries
Bearded guy: there's a fry shop over there (points) or the bar had fries- I don't beleive you for a second what were you really looking for?
Me: Do you really want to know? Truly? (he nods) soul mates
Both guys laugh
Bearded Guy: fair enough mission I can't knock that

        It's interesting because you can't really knock someone for looking for love it's the most honorable search in life.  No matter what people say at then end of the day everybody wants to be loved even if they ago about in truly fucked up ways sometimes. As we recounted the whole evenings events in the car we noted how nice it was how these guys made the effort to follow and initiate talking. It's rewarding to feel wanted by someone every now and again even if it doesn't necessarily go anywhere after that. For me it was like something out of a movie beyond what my younger self could have imagined about being in LA and what I'd be up to at 28.
         I openly admit I was a bit butthurt (god I hate that term) about the Tinder guy and the fact I didn't randomly meet a guy who was into me.  My friend on the other hand actually went out with one of the guys the next night! I am frustrated because I don't know how more transparent I can be. I'm open and honest about my intentions and what i'm looking for. I only engage in things that seem to be on that same page of what I want. And after all these "experiences" I've had over the past few months I feel utterly disheartened.
       A second incident, that will be mentioned in another blog, happened on Friday night that pretty much sealed it for me. Now is not the time for what ever reason the universe is being very clear- NO. A friend mentioned for all of my efforts that perhaps i'm trying to manifest something too hard. It saddens me that at my age I've never dated anyone seriously and if i'm being honest not even come close.  I've dated casually a lot but never with a commitment or title attached. I openly acknowledge the role I potentially played in protecting myself from being hurt perhaps. However when all if said and done I just don't understand why.

What a Birthday means to a Motherless Daughter

           I'm 2 weeks away from my 28th birthday and I feel ancient. I know in reality i'm still quite young and there are so many more life lessons I have yet to experience. But to a motherless daughter a birthday is a countdown- my mother died at 48 which means as of the 23rd I have 20 years left to live. Yes, we understand it's not realistic, highly improbable in fact,  that one would die the exact year as their mother but yet it feels as if are birth date just marks us one year closer to our death date. In a twist of bonded fate my mother's birthday and mine are a week apart. Both born In January, both aquarius, and we both had the same eye glass prescription but in reverse. I have the same snaggle tooth she had and a similar passion for working with kids with special needs.
      
             My first birthday without her was suppose to kick off my golden year. You take the day you were born and that year is suppose to be the most magical, in my case 23. It was the first year of my life without her and arguably the most difficult in my life. I threw an elaborate pin up themed birthday in an attempt to distract myself from the pain the next January. I told every one they weren't allowed to say I was turning 24 that I wanted to stay 23 for one more year and get a second chance at my golden year. I was adamant and insisted at every turn I was indeed 23 and not getting older. It wasn't until the party when I was surrounded my ALL my best friends with big band music from the 50's playing did I finally admit it was time to turn 24. An entire dream and vision came true before my eyes but it didn't fill the gaping hole that was in my heart.
     

            This year marks my 5th birthday without her. It's been a year with lots of 5 years anniversaries and by the grace of the universe I have survived them all. There was so much love and support around me I couldn't be sad even if I wanted to. I know the same will be true the night I actually turn 28 but the 2 weeks leading up to will go completely unmarked except to myself. No one around me feels the ticking of what feels like a death alarm marking my seconds. No one will look at me and for a second see how scared I am, I guess this is my way of showing it.  The ones who do know are the ladies just like me who wouldn't need a blog to understand the impending doom because they feel it too. I take so much comfort in knowing there are women out there just like me. I'm told it changes as time goes on and the eventual passing of the age they were when they died feels like a small miracle. I've still got many years to go so we'll see.
    
             Most people see birthdays as the ultimate celebration of life. They see it as the day you came into this world with a whole life and journey ahead of you to live. When you loose a mother that seems to change and instead of life you see death. It's easy enough to say you just need to re frame the thought so the day becomes a celebration once again. For me it helps me put in perspective that even though I am so happy to be alive that I also want to appreciate the element of death that lives there as well. Life is precious and I want to honor that and hold that in the way I live my life each and every day, birthdays included.  I've been reflecting on this Seneca quote that says "The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity." I'm not wrapping this piece up with a last line zinger like I normally do. Just a reflection on Seneca and the importance of turning one year older.