Dateable VS Fuckable

          In talking with my friends the past few weeks I have been blown away by the fact that so many girls are always left wondering what is the difference between them being somebody a guy would date and somebody who they just want to sleep with. I decided to ask people in my environment (in an attempt to get some answers for myself and my girls) about what they found to be the difference between the two. The results were pretty surprising considering there isn't one straight answer. I put a post on Facebook to see if I could get any of my male friends to simply answer the question and surprisingly, actually not surprisingly because it's VERY revealing about one's character, there was very few responses. Maybe it's because they don't want to share because we're friends but more so I think it's because it's not a conscious thing. I think they tend to think about it as something that happens on a more subconscious level.

        So I took this conundrum to work because I thought 'hey therapists will talk about these kind of things right?' The conversation we had came up with 2 main factors. One being what we defined as the perceived level of sluttiness. Note this does not rely on how sexually active the person actually is but rather how the other person perceives them. The second being desire to date during the daytime. See when you take away the booze there's no illusions of the night and there's less shadiness. Can you picture yourself out in the world with this person in full light where the whole world can see you? I considered this a pretty accurate conclusion but then I found so many more answers based on people's maturity, individualism, and openness to respond truthfully.

         I received a simple text answer from a friend with a mere two words "forbidden fruit" every time he elaborated he just continued with more innuendos but nevertheless I thought it was an interesting response. I do think that the allure of an unknown person would greatly change the desirability of that person. On the other hand there also is an element of time lessening/increasing this person's desirability. Is this person there for a single day or are they going to be in my environment all of the time. People are more willing to take risks when the potential amount of time spent together is lower.

      My favorite answers came from men who I consider having moved passed the immature douchey stage. An old high school friend said "There really isn't a difference between a girl I would date and a girl I would just sleep with because if I were willing to sleep with them then chances are I'd want to date them."My roommate believes it's a combination of having no expectations for any given experience and to let things happen organically. Nothing forced, no set ideas about what's happening, but just to go with the flow and see how things play out. These seem like more mature views a more adult like stance so to say. Both no longer see the point in just "hooking up" unless there is a potential for something more even if it's just casual not monogamous dating.

         The opposite of "adult" is the straight up insanity that is found online. These days the internet provides a plethora of opinions and an open forum to express that ridiculousness without revealing your identity. This "article" from Elite Daily- The voice of generation-Y   The Girls You Hook Up With Vs. The Girls You Marry is an example of a very male driven simple view on this complex topic. I can't tell you how many times I rolled my eyes reading this 20? 40? 75??? I mean it was a lot! The medium of the internet gives the anonymity for people to say what they want to say without judgment of others responses in their face. The following responses all came from a Reddit forum thread and they show various opinions about what guys think in regards to this question. 

Some fast and quick opinions....
Atheleus Availability?
yourhometownsucks Usually about 40 pounds.
gravitykillsbabies  A paper bag
M-Lin Anal
helloreddits456464 About 50 IQ points

You can see here that they really were not holding back anything.
Now this little gem is my favorite response for it's ridiculousness.....
homeboy5925 a hook up (aka a "jump off") is basically anyone who is willing/stupid enough to have sex with you. Dating standards are much higher. Sex is great but at the end of the day I want someone I can smoke weed and watch Hey Arnold with.

Those who think it's purely a looks thing:
tmc_throwaway
-Hookups tend to be based on aesthetics and sexual chemistry alone. I had sex with a lot of women who were absolutely not my type (vastly different interests, beliefs, etc) and it was purely about the physical. If a girl took an emotional shine to me it was a turnoff.  Every new attractive hookup was an affirmation of self, and my batting average was high.
I really don't wanna come off like a misogynist, but I respect a woman more if she doesn't just put out straight away. It's down to trust and I don't think I could trust a girl who would just sleep with me the first time we meet to not do the same with others.
-Date material on the other hand, insofar as my subjective notion of it applies, is a girl who is creative, intelligent, fun, sweet, interesting, etc - all the things my girlfriend is. I love spending time with her, I consider myself lucky to know her, and I trust her. That's the real difference, I guess.

Dresden_skyline

Hot, want to fuck her - hook up.
Hot, want to talk to her, fuck her, do things for her, fuck her, want her to like you, buy her things, fuck her - date.

SixShotSamYou want to sleep with both. You only want to wake up next to one.
SAHDman Attractive? Hook-up. Attractive, smart, and sane? Dating material

"hot" vs. "beautiful."
McWake (WRITTEN BY A FEMALE)
"Hot" or "hook up" worthy is the girl or guy you see at a bar and you really just want to see them naked. You don't really want to have to talk to them. "Hot" is a bar hook-up, or someone's hot body, or a nudie picture. "Hot," I think, is young and temporary and shallow, but, obviously, it is a pretty good thing to be.
"Beautiful" is the man or woman you see somewhere, and you can't help but think "Woah." You want to have coffee with them or wake up next to them or date them for a year. "Beautiful" is solid and it ages nicely and it is the kind of person you really want to date and get to know.
I think that line between hot and beautiful also usually ends up being the line between hook up and date.


Madonna Whore Complex:

"The seemingly conflicting desires that some (but certainly not all) men have for a woman who is experienced in the bedroom and unashamed of showing sexual prowess ("whore"), but at the same time a woman who is wholesome, clean and nuturing ("madonna"), particularly enough to not be branded a "slut"." (urbandictionary) 

It's apparent that this complex is pretty common now a days and it's very polarizing to woman either i'm a slut or a prude. Yet in reality we are everything and nothing we are just people.

WarPhalange The first one I think about while masturbating. The second one I think about while masturbating, and then feel bad about it.Masturbating to a girl reduces her to a sex object. I don't care if it's just some hot chick I have no feelings for or vice versa. But if it's a girl I'd want to date, that means I care about her on some level and would rather not reduce her to a mere sex object.
KCisTall Hookups I worry about whats going in her mouth and Dating i worry about whats coming out.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T
rosAccosted How much respect I have for her as a person.
Seems harsh, but I honestly only feel that undeniable desire to date a girl who thinks and acts in ways I respect. Her thoughts and opinions on the world, how she carries herself and interacts with other people, and the connection I feel for who she is. Finding a pretty face in a crowd isn't tough, finding one I cant walk away from is.
AKA: A bar star might be a nice fuck, but if she cant hold a good conversation and entertaining time with me, shes not going to get any further than that.

Some men feel that intelligence really is a turn on for them and if the girl is not smart they don't want to do it.
kamikaze_tsunami Eh. Just can't really enjoy it if I know she's a complete idiot.
Phallic Let's face it, if she doesn't have her Ph.D yet she's not worth a bang
NawNaw  And I'm just saying a one night stand hook-up is a form of instant gratification (boiling down the courting process to hours) and that intelligence of a mate is more attributed to a long term benefit in a relationship and would be rendered inert if said relationship is less than 24 hours.
angusthebull I want to respect the girl I'm fucking, even on a one night stand.
notthegolfer Oh I'll respect her. That's why I leave quietly. (Douche comment but kinda hilarious)

We all know I think language is sexy but in case you forgot: Words Are Sexy Blog

Some men like to use their intelligence to answer the question:
ShabbySheik
Girl I'd hook up with (I believe I could explain it better with a simple equation.)
(X x 1) + 3 + (A + Y / 2) = Z
X = The girl's level of attractiveness on a scale of 1-10 (Note: A girl can be a zero, as in no attraction whatsoever. In this case, there is no possibility of me sleeping with her.)
Y = The number of months it's been since I've had sex
Z = If Z >= 10 I'm probably willing to sleep with her

Some men weigh the pros and cons:
(This is my overall favorite for most logical, thought-out, and honest response)

BaseballGuyCAA

The best analogy I can think of is the difference between an enlisted member of the Navy and a Navy SEAL. As men, we have two very distinct sets of standards. Generally speaking, the "hookup" standard is anywhere from a tick to a massive chasm lower than the "dating" standard. Want my cock tonight? If you're reasonably attractive, not a total bore/annoyance, and interested, you can make it happen. It's no commitment, so there's no need to delve too deeply into it. Many, many girls can pass the "hookup" standard.
However, dating means commitment. Dating carries a tremendous opportunity cost for the sexually active single male. You are throwing away an unknown amount of pussy, of unknown quality. It's like telling a game show contestant not to take the mystery box. Experience tells you that the prize inside is going to disappoint, but it'll all be worth it that one time when the box has tickets to Hawaii in it. Similarly, your experience tells you that most drunken random sexual partners will range from "mediocre" to "above average," but the fantasy of going home with the double-jointed gymnast overpowers that.
So if a man can find sexual satisfaction while single, the cost-benefit analysis of a relationship is pretty uneven. In order for the perceived benefits to outweigh the perceived costs, the girl in question needs to be an absolute no-brainer. Meeting the bare-minimum hookup standard isn't good enough. You've got to be a total package. Physical attractiveness, intelligence, sense of humor, core values, etc. Sexual compatibility is huge, too.
Just because you meet the hookup standard doesn't necessarily mean you meet the dating standard. It's unfortunate, but true.
The problem is, most women don't operate this way. The gap between "hookup-worthy" and "couple-worthy" is usually a lot smaller. From my experience, if a girl is willing to sleep with you she's at least curious about a possible relationship. If things are going well and you're seeing each other regularly (even if it is only for sex), she takes this as a sign that you want to see her, and things are progressing. Even though there is a better-than-average chance that it's just a sign you want your dick wettened.
          The short version of the above? I'll hook up with just about anyone reasonable. But for me to commit, I have to be able to look myself in the mirror and say "I would have to be absolutely insane to pass on this girl."

        It's taken me over a month to compile this and process my own views enough to form a coherent conclusion. I went on a real date last week one that was planned out, agreed to by both parties, fun and pleasant. No silly business, in the day time, and he paid for my hot chocolate, muffin, and he even brought to the date one of my favorite things, blueberries. There are people who want to date in the traditional sense of the word- it's just taken me over a year to find a single one in this entire city. I think many factors come into each man's personal choice. Level of maturity, I think is a huge one, past encounters and experiences, moving past the the wild college day mentality and growing up a bit, and willingness to be open to something real whether that includes commitment, time, current life focuses etc.The bottom line is there is no one answer each man has their own standard as unique as the person they are.....So sorry ladies you're going to have to figure out each one... there's no golden rule here. Every guy has there own standard for girls that they will date vs girls they just want to hop in bed with. Best of luck deciphering where you fall- the universe knows they don't always make it easy!

Hookup Culture VS Dating

hookup culture:

The era that began in the early 1990s and has since prevailed on college campuses and elsewhere when hooking up has replaced traditional dating as the preferred method of heterosexual liaison.

Example: I'm not interested in any sort of relationship. I just want to enjoy the hookup culture. (Urban Dictionary) 6 people agree

dating:

The modern day battlefield of romance where hearts are won and broken, the not-quite so version of chivalry and wooing, an interview for a lover; the lay down some time-and money and see if you get some candy routine; the progressed game of cat-and-mouse; the human courtship ritual; playing baseball for a home run.

Example: Yeah, I've dated her several times. 1st time was flowers, a movie, and a nice dinner. The second time was a fancy dinner and tickets to an event. And on the third date we saw a movie again and, badda-bing-badda-boom, we had sex before the night was through. (Urban Dictionary)

dating 588 people agree

dating 2:

socially acceptable form of prostitution.

Example: I spent a $30 for a movie, before the first base. A $50 for lunch, for the second base, and a $70 on a romantic dinner before we cut to the chase. (Urban Dictionary) 1,682 people agree

     To start the definition that I like the least had the most likes dating=prostitution..... Now sure you'll say Shannon but this is data/info from urbandictionary not life. Well let me share.... I was enjoying a nice dinner with a dear friend who I haven't been able to girl chat with for months. We equally had about half a years worth of "guy stories" to share and as these tales unraveled I was so struck. Struck with the feeling that as both attractive, educated, fun women we had nearly identical experiences of be courted and dropped like a bag of trash you throw in a dumpster when you're "done." Even if I didn't have enough self worth and confidence in myself (which I do) here is this knockout blonde sitting across from me telling the same tale.

     We spent a good 3 hours discussing the pros and cons of truth vs seduction and you can read my thoughts mentioned here: Truth VS Seduction Blog. I think ultimately a relationship of the most sincere truth is the only way to go but what if you can't even get that far because you won't put out on date 3 where does that leave you?  Why date 3 ?!?!? all the posts on urban dictionary mention date 3 like it's some magical number society has deemed appropriate. After 3 dates you know someone moderately well so now we won't judge you and call you a slut or whore for having sex. I can say that within minutes of meeting someone I know if i'm into them enough to ever seriously consider sleeping with them but dating someone has become different and not the way people test out if they like each other.

    Let's introduce Barney's from How I Met Your Mother lemon law logic:

Lemon Law Tuesday, November 15, 2005, 11:49am                                     Check it. New thing. The Lemon Law. On a blind date and realize whoever set you up with this uggo is truly not your friend? You're free to go. Walk into a coffee shop and spot a muffin top spilling all over the hottie you've been chatting with online? Walk away, my friend. Eject. Abort. Do not pass Go. The Lemon Law allows you to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. Consider it a hall pass for dating. 

 

       In some ways I would be totally down for that. Your not into me I'm no into you so let's bail no hard feelings and peace out. But instead as Joan from mad men says: "Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate." So I find myself doing the most insane things "just to see" or "make sure" that they do in fact don't actually give 2 fucks about me. Does that put me in the wrong as well- of course but that's my shit. In 2013 there are fewer societal restrictions on going out in comparison to say eras with chaperones and no one ever being in social situations alone with the opposite sex rules. There has to be some middle ground between all out anything goes and the strict stigma related shaming of the past.  

     My friend and I came to no real conclusion that night other then we have no idea why finding someone is so hard. Then today I came across this hilarious gem:  why chivalry is dead from a mans perspective and thought well he makes one solid point. "Eventually, I feel that women will wise up and start asking for the things that they deserve, the things used to be automatic and expected of men, like holding a door, pulling out a chair, and paying for dinners. Until then, men are going to get away with putting in the bare minimum and receiving what we ultimately want anyway – sex." this lead to a massive facebook debate both genders battling out their points. 

      It rang true for me and what I had been experiencing but the male's comments opened up my ears that they also don't want to be "used" in the process. My favorite comment being "Sounds like the women don't want to be used as sex objects and the men don't want to be used as meal tickets" now there's some truth. But how can a women define herself when words like this exist: 
Hook Up Bitch:

Hook Up Bitch: a female that men use for sex but is not suitable for serious dating

Example: Stephie ain't my girlfriend; she's my hook up bitch.

Wow so this person is usable like a toy and I would guess most of the time these womaen aren't entering into the situation knowing they are a hook up bitch. I'm all for getting down in a casual away if both parties are aware of that but it seems like more and more one sided. There is this idea of well I can't possibly get someone who will have manners, treat me with respect, and love me so I subtle for what I can get. I've done it my friend was doing it and for what? The hope that one day one unknown time in the future it will be different? better? actually amazing?

       I don't like that every date I've attempted to have in the past 2 months has resulted in a guy sending my dirty pictures of them or bailing last minute. I want to go and meet someone go on an adventure and have an experience. Maybe it will be a blast maybe it will be shitty but it will be REAL not a text message chat or bs -well you can come to my house and "hang out" kind of date. I just want to date like go on real dates places and have fun. Maybe one day in the future I'll want a commitment but now I just want to experience something real and not be someone's hook up bitch or date prostitute. I'm sending a call to everyone let's keep the standard the gold rule: One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself. Be nice, be kind, and want to give someone a nice experience on a date genuinely and not because there may be some kind of pay off. Or you can just be like this guy.....

  
   

Black VS White How Our Cops STILL See People

Dear World,
         I have had so much joy in my life since my friend moved to LA last week. He’s black but that never has been a factor in our friendship. To me I see his creative passion and determination. Today it has become a factor because this is NOT OKAY! For the umpteenth time in his life he had his shit thrown around and searched pinned and was in the back of a cop car simply because he’s black. It was santa monica blvd broad daylight and he was walking home from a dance audition- this is our city this is our world.
          Two days he ago he had a mini freak out when he realized I had been driving around knowingly with one head light out. I made a joke about my white girl privilege because “nothing has happened to me yet” he said “it would have with my black ass driving around this posh neighborhood.” I knew he was right his countless examples of incidents that have occurred in his life have proven to me how skewed our experiences are in relation to race. After every incident when I, in my ignorance, say “but why???  I don’t understand why?” he responds with a sincerely solum “I don’t know Sue i’m just black.”   
        When cases like Trayvon Martin happens it upsets me to the root of my social justice heart. For him it means to seal a fate that one day the same will happen to him. With each incident he fears more and more ‘will I be able to get away alive from this one?’ One wrong move, one mis judgment, and someone could kill him just because he’s living in a place, walking down a street, or happens to “look” like someone whose done something (only matching description... the color of his skin). 
          I walk around with no thought in mind that I’m going to be stopped unless I’m doing something wrong and I know it (carrying an open container of booze in my purse for hypothetical instance). He was so set on getting his California ID immediately upon getting here. I knew from HIS stories an ID becomes a golden ticket of proof that I “legally have a right to be here in this city/neighborhood see this card had an address and my name that WON’T show up on your database as a criminal.” He always walks with a small voice in his head saying beware they might stop you.
        He casually mentioned this morning his house key might be missing because of “his scuffle with the cops.” He didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want to acknowledge that even here in Los Angeles once of the most diverse cities in America it was STILL HAPPENING. I had said when he debated moving here that “It’s different here there are so many kinds of people it shouldn’t be an issue.” I’ve been proven wrong as I sit here so saddened in my heart that he has to deal with this- again.
         I can’t claim to know what being randomly stopped, having my stuff thrown and searched by one cop, as i’m pinned up against a car by a second cop feels like. I do know what the back of a cop car feels like being cadged liked a wild animal whose been “bad” my crime had been being out past town curfew at 16- but what is his crime?!? They claimed the description was for a black man with braids. Well he is black but he has dreads. He is also one of the skinniest tinniest men with a bizarre sense of fashion that never screams “i’m up to no good.” Most likely there was no person they were looking for (they always say that) but “People with braids don’t walk around this neighborhood a lot” said one cop.

       He didn’t fit their vision of what the color of the neighborhood is suppose to look like. Even though he is EXACTLY what weho is.... proud, loud, gay, and amazing. If anything I don’t “fit” into what my area is as a straight, white, girl, who likes to stay home at night and watch Jane Austen movies. Either way all of that is JUDGEMENT- very skewed unrealistic judgement. I thought in this modern age most individuals were like me and saw people as people with different color skin but no longer were archaic to only see a person’s color not them as human being. To me he look likes someone who wouldn’t hurt a fly, got his bad boy stage out years ago, and is “hustling” in the best kind of ways for a future career in movies.
      The thing that confuses me the most is the elevated of aggression. Why toss his stuff, and throw him up against the car. Why anger- why hate? I’m sure there is a way to examine a bag, and question a person, without all the added hostility. There has to be a different way- this is 2013 not the 50’s. Most importantly please beware this is still happening all the time and not just dramatized media coverage on the TV but in real life like 3 blocks from by apartment with my best friend who happens to be black, have dreads, and kinda sorta looks like a guy the cops “might” be looking for. We allow this to happen in the name of safety but who is really getting hurt in the end?

This is just a small clip at the end of the incident there is "no explanation" of why no specifics just vague BS.

Breaking the Rose Colored Glasses

For those of you who don't know this slightly dated phrase:

rose-coloured glasses  (British & Australian) also rose-colored glasses/rose-coloured spectacles (American & Australian/British)

 -if someone thinks about or looks at something with rose-coloured glasses, they think it is more pleasant than it really is. She's nostalgic for a past that she sees through rose-colored glasses.

** Press Play and listen while reading to get the post's full effect **

      "La Vie En Rose" is a famous Edith Piaf she sings  "Je vois la vie en rose" (I see life in pink). I always identified with this idiom. I am a dreamer, an idealists, and sometimes in a slightly unhealthy way choose to see the world through rose colored glasses. I've chalked it up to being "my nature" and allowed myself to be swept into a dream at times. It doesn't matter so much if the "dream" was once based in truth sometimes the most lovely of stories is spoken then gets exaggerated till it takes on a life of it's own becoming a whole new story indeed.

      This week I was reconsidering some of the major events I've choosen to see with a nice large pair of heart shaped rose colored glasses. I could go into detail but that would give away part of my novel (River Song: SPOILERS) so you must be content to take my word for it. It's not so important to know what events I looked at but more so that I NO LONGER wish to see them that way.

     In Buddhism we have this idea that you must look as yourself clearly and only then can you see the reality of your situation. "Nichiren Daishonin stressed the importance of self-knowledge and inscribed the Gohonzon – that is, the object of devotion—as a mirror to reflect our true self, our innate Buddhahood. He goes so far as to say, “No other knowledge is purposeful” " So how can one see themselves clearly if they are looking at their world in a tainted way ?!?!? The answer is... THEY CAN'T!!!

      So I A) Identified the idea/dream that I wanted to change B) Looked at my role in perpetuating that ideal C) Decided to try and change it-    Sure now that's all well and good but what's left? I still felt crushed, angry, confused and exasperated. When in doubt it's best to get advice from someone older and wiser then you. Our Men's Division Leader and amazing actor Ron Glass indulged me tonight when I asked "If someone is deep in the world of anger how do they change that poison into medicine?". The following is not a direct quote but a compilation of a few various things he said:

 "We are seeing the world through the prism of our own weakness. When we do this humanistic practice religiously nobody can sway our life condition. It's the inner transformation that allows us to deal with and have the wisdom to create value from our external circumstances. We should learn to use that anger to create value"

     I will willingly admit that I was in tears because it was exactly the guidance I needed to hear. It was a statement of hope but also change. At the end of the day we have to take responsibility for our own actions and the way we choose to see our world. I want to create value out of all the things I've experienced no matter how painful. I want to rip off the rose colored glasses and shatter them on a slab of concrete till they smash in a million tiny shards. It's important to me to identify the difference between something that actually is and something that I want it to be. I deserve the best kind of amazing story one that doesn't need a rosy tint to make it beautiful it will just inherently already be that way. I've officially broke the rose colored glasses, I hope they weren't Prada.

I made this little graphic as part of a future collage it fell out of my diary while I was writing today :)

    

It's Like Totally Primal

  

         There are just some things that we as humans don't really acknowledge in our daily day to day lives. Once thing I almost never think of is that fact I am a living breathing organism, a creature on this planet, a mammal with a high functioning brain capable of self thought and regulation. That more animal like side of our nature seems to lie dormant hidden behind cell phones and pre prepared food.  Try to picture yourself as a cave person what you have been a hunter or a gatherer? Were the cave girls walking around hiking up their loin cloths to attract the men!?!? No they used their senses and let pheromones guide the way. Instinctually we still have certain elements of that time in us like the fight or flight response. Or in a physical way we still have harry bodies and wisdom teeth we don't need that shit we got snuggys and utensils.      
         I'm very familiar with mating in the modern age and actually very well versed in dating in the 19th century (thank you extensive Jane Austen research) but we know nothing about our older ancestors. I guess when you're trying to survive all the time you probably don't have much time for threesomes and catty girl fights over who stole your man. Who am I to make assumptions maybe that's exactly what they did we'll never know (unless the Doctor does eventually find me and take me away for an adventure in the Tardis- still hoping)! We assume they were ruled by the more animal side and less cognitive. I on the other hand am always all up in my head and have to constantly remind myself to check in with what my body is telling me. This is most apparent when I'm realizing i'm spiraling into an anxiety attack of how some emotion i'm containing is messing up my health and well being. There are these rare moments in life when something seems to almost "trigger" something deep within us.
       I had a really exhausting day at work mentally and physically. I got yelled at and bullied and my senses were on overdrive from this god awful ringer on our new phone system. I was telling a guy who i've known for some time now a little about the ordeal. He got all manly and serious and said "You just give me names and addresses and I will take care of it for you. No one gets to make you feel bad." Was he half joking yes (if we was fully serious I would be scared) was he still half serious though-YES! I know if I had said the word he would have done it for me with out flinching but he is that kind of person a little rough and reactive but sweet. I countered "Don't joke I know you would" pointer finger out with a squinting silly mean face. He replied "Name the time and the place" and we both laughed.

It was a face kind of like this but more silly!

     Was it all in good fun- sure... but the more surprising aspect of the whole conversation was that it was kind of hot. Like I actually really enjoyed the idea that this guy would defend my honor by physically kicking some one's ass. Which is totally contrary to my beliefs as a Buddhist who is against violence completely! What made this incident even more interesting to me was the fact I had literally just the night before watched an episode of Louie called "Bully" (which can be found on netflix) where on a date he didn't stand up to this punk kid who was giving him a hard time. His date went from being totally DTF to turned off. She's surprised he's surprised and she chalks it up to primal instincts and goes home in a cab. I laughed because I thought that would never happen in real life like that- until it did- today but in the reverse. It only further proved to me that you will never truly know how you will react in any given situation until you are really in it.
      Years ago when my mom was gushing breast junk out of a tube I was able to pull my shit together and get her to the hospital- not everyone can do that, trust me. I can preform well under immense pressure but then my first time in front of a gigantic Hollywood camera as an extra I was mesmerized like a deer in head lights staring straight at the camera (the biggest don't rule in film acting)- point is you NEVER KNOW. So here I was looking at this guy thinking about this hypothetical ass whooping and I was impressed. My reaction was not only shocking to me but made me re question my ideas about pacifism. Apparently somewhere deep inside me the urge for either protection or a domineering fight for survival still exists.
      Maybe it's because i'm getting in touch with my personal more angry side. Or perhaps it's simply because it was nice to think someone would go to such lengths to protect me because they care. Either way it brought to my awareness something that probably deserves a little self reflection- luckily I'm one of those mammals with a super awesome pattern of brain schema's to help me put it all together- thanks evolution! 

The Human Emotion Barometer

So at the group last week the facilitator made this analogy about humans keeping an emotion barometer in a clear white tube all throughout their gut to their throat. The idea goes something like this.....
A a baby we just flat out express ourselves. If we are hungry we cry if something makes us happy we laugh it's simple, pure, true to the present moment, and 100% natural.
As a toddler we start to filter our emotions maybe a child takes away your favorite toy so you start to cry and an adult comes along and says "stop crying" this scares you so you stop and that emotion goes into your inner emotional tube.
As a kid you have more and more experiences and society teaches you the rules on how to be and not be. You look to peers and parents for affirmation you're doing "the right thing" anything that is deemed "the wrong thing" you keep inside you and your inner emotions fill up more and more
As a teen you are just frickin full of emotions and are still learning ways to express them in a healthy way at the same time your body is changing, your hormones are crazy, and you think you know everything which leaves you a hot mess- super filling up that tube.
As an adult you've now learned many things but you also have "learned"(behavior forming) things that make you present yourself in a particular away. You filter yourself, your environment, and push away all the things that don't fit into you definition of what you want to acknowledge (or if your one of the lucky ones you work on a path of inner peace :) so that tube stars getting filled to the brim.

Let's take me- I'm "sweet" the number one word people always use to describe me is sweet. After a few years of a friendship I get creative or witty but from casual acquaintances it is ALWAYS sweet. Can one person really be sweet all the time?!?!?
The answer: HELL NO!
        The emotion i'm most notorious for holding in is anger. For more thoughts on that see my past post The "Hulk" In You I remember in 7th grade my teacher yelled at me for chatting and I cried! I was so embarrassed I was 14 and crying because I got yelled at. To this day I do no do well with authoritative yelling (the army would be my personal hell). My frustration at something usually results in floods and floods of tears. Last week when I was denied something I very much needed all that could come out was tears I was sooooooooooo angry. I was not sad but I was so frustrated and the only way I could express myself was an outpouring of emotion via my tear ducts.
    Which brings me back to the emotional barometer. After years and years of containing all these emotions you have there reaches a point where you can just no longer take it and a release is inevitable. The extreme would be going bat shit crazy and like killing someone or getting drunk and spewing out all you deep dark thoughts about everyone and everything. Some people never "release" it and those are those high strung people who yell at traffic, the waitress, and anybody who crosses their path.
    On my journey one of the things that has helped me more then anything else throughout the years is writing letters. For me it provides a way to say everything I truly want to say without the other person's reaction in my face (which can seriously deter you from speaking your honest inner truth in person) I don't often give these letters to people which is a shame because the language is often very powerful, intense, and poetic. I've been sick for the past few months and my body literally started to reject anything I ate yet I gained a ton of weight clearly I was a mess. For me whenever the body goes haywire the solution is acupuncture and some serious talk therapy!
     I was warned that sometimes an outpouring of emotion comes after the treatment and I remember having immediate responses when I did acupuncture back in MA. At first I just came home and had the urge to write in my diary (yes I actually do right things not on the internet that I intend no one to see ever).  Then I felt the need to write a letter and then another then a third... at this point I was like you need to stop you have to go to work. So I dropped it for about 6 hours when I got home I went to continue my nightly routine of chanting, checking my sites, and Orange is the New Black ( seriously have you watched it yet it's sooo good)  but I felt strongly compelled to pick up that note pad again- the result... 5 more letters.
     I was truly shocked the only thing that made me stop writing was the fact it was 3 AM my writing looked like a 3 year olds and was completely illegible, and my eyes were swollen almost entirely shut from the tears. That probably sounds terrible but it was actually super amazing!!! It was so intensely cathartic and I felt like I was truly expressing myself for the first time in months. There was nothing "sweet" about it most of it was pure anger coming out in poetic lines of rage and it felt heavenly. After a second treatment it only went deeper which really helped me re define what I was angry about, the triggers, and what it all stemmed from.
     My emotional barometer was almost entirely shattered or at least seriously dumped out into like a sewer pit of shit. It was like everything I've been holding in about my Mom's death, my past loves, my current situation- everything was expelled. It was out on the table for only me to see so I could take a real hard deep look and put it back together in some semblance of inner sanity. There truly is something to be said for laying out all your cards on the table. So I took care of some Mom stuff with the group, got out all this inner rage through the letters, and I've taken steps to be more aware of how I hide the anger from myself and push it deep down inside me. I don't want to look back in another 2 years filled to the brim again with emotion. I want to live a life of truth it's all I've ever wanted and it's what I will strive for every day of my existence. How full is your human emotional barometer??? This chicks is looking a little full.....

I don't know if i've ever experienced an "emofunk" but it sounds kinda fun!

Motherless Daughters: Week Eight

      So I have been on the most amazing journey of coming to terms with how mother loss has effected me and how it will continue to do so in my future. Every thought, fear, feeling I've had about losing my Mom so young these woman have also had. I went from feeling like a weird leper that no one understand to a sisterhood of women who get me more then anyone else ever could. They don't have to just have sympathy because they lived it so they actually know. I'm not claiming to be "over it" or that i've "moved on" because now I know it doesn't work like that. There are major moments in a women's life when we just NEED our mothers end of story. Sometimes we are lucky enough to get mother substitutes but it will never compare to the moment you find out you're pregnant and you just want to pick up the phone and call your Mom.
     On my last week (some girls are still going) we talked about what was are greatest benefit what did we learn from the group etc. I already mentioned mine which was being with others who knew how I felt. The other aspect that was truly worth it was to see how mother loss effected everyone at these key major life moments. Even though i'm not getting married, thinking about if I want to have a kid, or having one right now it hasn't stopped me thinking about how the loss will effect all of those moments for me. It's impossible for the mind not to go there because since childhood we imagine those moments with our Mother in that lineage of female legacy. To not have her there means we have to re-imagine how those moments will be no longer the fantasy we once imagined but a colder harder truth.
    I saw through them how those life changing moments were being effected by the loss and the thoughts they shared were the thoughts I had when thinking about "how it will be." You might say there's no point in all this pre planning but it's impossible for someone who knows how transient life is not to go there we know how precious and how little of life we get. I wish I could share specific details of how much each of them have helped me but it's just too personal to share their stories with you (and totally a breech of confidentiality). Needless to say each of the woman have a deep place in my heart now and I will never forget their impact on me.
    Overall I allowed myself to go to that place that is super painful and raw. To talk about the things that no one else will ever let me talk about. Or if they do they can't even comprehend what it is actually like for me and no matter how much they want to help it's just "not the right thing" to say. I feel like a huge burden of suffering i've been carrying on her behalf is lifted basically because I've now accepted that this loss has a life long impact and it's never really goes away just eases. Before I felt like I had to put it behind and move on where now I am trying to incorporate it into my life without such a big dramatic to do. I miss her love, her support, her views on life, and the subtle way she would teach me life lessons. I want to thank my Aunt Sheila for giving me the funds to participate, Irene for leading this endeavor, and the lovely woman who made these past 8 weeks truly life changing. Words can't express how grateful I truly am- merci beacoup xoxox ~S~

Did you get married ?!?!

      I have one really nice ring that does indeed look like it could be an engagement ring. I absolutely adore it. When I was in high school I really wanted a traditional class ring- always so nostalgic. My cousin even had a ring dance where they were given out with flourish. My Dad however said he wanted to buy me a "real" ring one that I would actually want to wear 10 years after high school. At the time I kind of pouted till we were on a cruise going to a "special dealer" a friend of a friend knew or something (my father always has a friend of a friend for everything- even apparently jewelers in St Martin). The waiting throughout the trip was anguish because we went by many a fine shop but when we finally did it was worth it. They sat me in a high chair and served us Mimosas. They would bring out a tray and I would say I like this cut, this design etc. the shop owner said he had "just the thing- bold and romantic" and boy was he right. I never loved a piece of Jewelry that much and I still don't have anything that come close to measuring up.

        The stone is called Tanzanite a rare gem that is only mined in Tanzania and not found anywhere else in the world and it's surrounded by diamonds it could indeed be an engagement ring. I wore it the rest of high school and into college and never once was questioned about it. When I came to LA I started getting bothered by it being on my right hand - it would hit the jewelry counters at work, get caught when putting out the scarfs etc. It was worse at my desk job constantly brushing the calender, dirty money, and getting caught in the phone cord. So I made a decision to start wearing it on my left hand and that's when all the questions happened. At least once a day when I would wear it someone would say "Are you engaged?" complete strangers asking- even people know know me "Did you get married" ( like what secretly over the weekend in Vegas?). As an unmarried women I found this annoying- no I'm not engaged- no I didn't get married- yes I realize it's on the left hand- I do understand that "means" i'm married etc. So then when people asked I started saying " I'm protesting the symbolism of the left hand meaning you must be married" I just want to wear it on that finger on that hand!
   One of the counselors asked "why are you wearing on the left hand guys aren't going to know your single and they won't ask you out" I said "Good I like wording off stupid people like that." Then just the other day "ya know wearing a ring on that finger implies you're married"- who does not know that?!?!? here's a brief history on how everyone does indeed know that

"Before medical science discovered how the circulatory system functioned, people believed that a vein of blood ran directly from the fourth finger on the left hand to the heart. (This belief allegedly dates to the 3rd century BC in Greece.) Because of the hand-heart connection, people named the putative vein descriptively vena amori, Latin for 'the vein of love'. Due to this tradition, it became accepted to wear the wedding ring on this finger. By wearing rings on the fourth finger of their left hands, a married couple symbolically declares their eternal love for each other. This has now become a matter of tradition and etiquette.

In most Western cultures, the wedding ring is worn on the left hand. In some countries, however, such as Germany, Norway, and Chile, it is worn on the right hand. Orthodox Christians, Eastern Europeans and Jews also traditionally wear the wedding band on the right hand.
Etiquette frowns severely on the making of sexual overtures to a man or woman wearing a wedding ring."

       So no I'm not married and I do not plan on wearing this ring on any other finger because it's sized for my ring finger and it's annoying to wear on my right hand- the end.  The point of the post is not to bitch about this recent social norm that been appearing in my life but to bring awareness to the fact that we as human do things that are suppose to "mean something." However most of the time it's something we as humans have constructed ourselves. There is no set reason as to how to wear a ring but societal norms have dictated it to be that way. I think it's important to remember that not everything has be the way society tells us it should be. We all have our own minds and it's important to consider what is important for each of us in our own lives.

An Open Love Letter to the Bealtes

Dear George, Paul, Ringo, and John
        It's now year 2013 and i'm a basic 26 year old American girl attempting to live out her dreams in LA. I'm sad that I did not live during the revolution that was the British Invasion and subsequent tripped out days of the late 60's it totally would of been my jam. I wanted to send a letter of my deep appreciation for the amazing music you made together it is truly life changing. As a kid I always heard your music at the bars my parents dragged me to, blasting from the radio by the pool in the summer, and hummed by the random stranger walking by at the grocery store. It wasn't until my 20's did I really start to get into it more on my own. My best friend was a musician and we spent many a night at her gigs, friends gigs, and impromptu jam session by bonfires. When I backpacked through Europe I made sure to stop at Liverpool and check out where you lads grew up. Seeing instruments you actually played, walking down streets you traveled down, and spots your wrote about was exhilarating.

          When my Mom was dying of cancer my siblings and I would play Bealtes Rockband in our basement for hours. No one was allowed down and the C would couldn't be mentioned your music became our escape and our temporary joy. I always played guitar or bass I was super rubbish at drums. I got a kick out of trying to imitate your voices to try and get the perfect vocal score. We even did the day tripper completing the entire the game in one 24 period! We only slept 6 hours and our fingers had those insane gaming bumps on them.After she passed I would spend hours just listening to you music laying on my bed doing nothing but listening because I couldn't bring myself to do anything else.

          That Christmas I got the newly remastered entire discography that had just came out. My friend and I spent the next few days listening to the entire collection back to back leading up to new years. It was intense, fun, and at times mind boggling we both had really wanted to see the progression of the styles over time and boy did you guys really experiment and constantly explore your sound! I also listened to the entire collection (minus the Yellow Submarine Soundtrack that was only bearable once- sorry guys) on my way from Massachusetts to LA just me the long straight road west and your music. My first birthday here I ended up at a bar called Britannia where an Asian Beatles tribute band was playing and I was in heaven especially when they sang "Birthday" to me right at midnight. One older guy turned me as I danced and sang ALL the lyrics "How do you know all this" he asked. "I'm a super fan" I replied.

             The thing about the music is that there is a song for literally every mood and emotion you could be experiencing. Sometimes I would just hit Beatles shuffle and wait.... then a song would come on and I would be like "yes!" that's what I mean- those lyrics are incomparable.  "Here Comes the Sun" that first joy you feel after a long winter. "I Want You (she's so heavy) " that intense longing for someone you are so into. I could go on forever but those are my two favorites. Your sound changed so drastically over time and as you grew and changed so did the music and lyrics- the songs truly are masterpieces for the modern age. When I meet people from other countries they have Beatles stories as well and I'm enamored by the fact you have reached every inch of this plant with your music even so many years after the break up. I know if I ever have kids they will hear The Beatles as they grow and learn to love and appreciate the music as much as I do- it's a legacy I'm happy to pass down. George, Paul, Ringo, and John thank you for creating the most amazing music you've reached the heart of girl who could never thank you enough.
                                                                                                       All you need is LOVE,
                                                                                                                            Your fan Shannon ~S~

My Male Broke Feminist

I read this article first: 101 Everyday Ways For Men to be Allies
which is not super great because it is extremely repetitive the same ideas in different words but it helped me realize some of things that have been bothering me recently.
These are the key ones that really stuck out to me as a woman:
1. Recognize your privileges, especially your male privilege (and white privilege if applicable)
8. Be aware of how you flirt with a woman.
10. If you’re going to be chivalrous (on dates) or in everyday life, do it for everyone out of kindness, not just for women or people you think aren’t capable of doing things themselves. 
20. Ask for consent, always. 
29. Challenge everyday sexism in your life. 
37. Support musicians and artists that do not degrade women in their music and lyrics. 
44. Don’t be the hero, savior, or knight in shining armor
47. Work with your partner or spouse on how to mutually share responsibilities.
48. Men aren’t the only ones who have orgasms. Remember that!!! 
49. Don’t judge women by their choice of clothing. 
60. Don’t assume she will take your last name if you both agree to marry. 
63. Defy traditional male stereotypes.
                                              AND MY NUMBER 1 FAVORITE:
31. Stop telling her you’re “different than other guys.” Don’t speak. Do.

   
       I have been struggling across the board with the idea of privileged (specifically gender and wealth) over the past 2 years. Let me start by saying this is in NO WAY a pity post but more of a privilege expose on how it directly effects my life. LA is rampant with uber wealthy and people who literally just throw money away. You do not need 20 pairs of sunglasses all $300+ for you collection  (true story a woman at the store had a "collection"). It's no secret I have epically struggled with money since moving here because I pay for everything on my own rent, student loans, bills, gas, food the only thing shared it utilities and internet the rest is all me. If you have a partner you can split a good chunk of bills in half or if you still live with your family. I see everyday the benefits of these different lifestyles and I include myself in that as well because we may not have severe issues like clean water such as they have in a 3rd world countries.
        One thing I'm angry about is it that your version of "broke" means you can't buy X at the store or go to Y again this month. For me "broke" means eating roman for an entire week or never having left the county of LA not because I'm not dying to go to Vegas/San Diego/San Fran/Wine Country but because even gas costs something. It is not the same thing if you can come home and someone (partner/family etc) will feed you and there will be a roof over your head -there is no comparison. There is no safety net or guarantee for some people so right there PRIVILEGE. I'm also aware of the ways I am privileged for instance I have family who would be able to help me in emergencies. On Orange is the New Black when Taystee gets out of prison she has no family, friends, or money so she eventually, on purpose, gets herself put back in. There is no back up there is no plan B. I am so lucky to have choices and I accept how my choice has put me into the position I am in- I think that is called being an adult.
        A few months ago there was incident at work where an older male client gave me a ring and then due to policy (created because of this incident) I had to give it back. As I expressed my various feelings and concerns I had 2 very different general responses. From men they were basically "what did you do to make him do that?" "why do you think he'll do anything "bad" (stalk me, get angry, call me all the time)?" and "it's not a "big deal." From women the response I got was "Are you ok giving it back? Do you want me to be there?" "Would you want to see him or was it totally weird and unsolicited?"  I felt extremely "blame it on the victim" like and completely unsupported.
    I didn't know why I was having such an intense reaction to the situation back then and it isn't until now when I read this article about men being feminist allies did it click into place MALE PRIVILEGE. I was crying when one male counselor said to me "Would it make you feel better if I was there when you returned the ring" I was sooooo grateful because it did make me feel immensely better that this person would support me in something that he saw was challenging when another male straight up intentionally walked away at the same moment because he (who had literally nothing to do with it other then being my "friend") couldn't handle the awkwardness/pressure. When I asked gentleman A later on why he though to offer his support he said from a domestic violence perspective (he runs our DV program) "you as the front desk person are the most vulnerable" (meaning we are stationary, have set hours, and can be easily found/stalked/watched). I knew he was right because that was the same feeling I had and regardless of how "unlikely" or "unwarranted" it may seem. That fear is inherent as part of the social structure, gender roles, and general bs that I as a women feel ( I am only speaking for myself alone).
    Now let's fast forward to the present day when in the past month on various fronts have I been directly impacted by both wealth and gender privilege. I've been meaning to write about it for quite some time since it is very much on my mind. Of course in this world these things exist and really it seems like nothing can be done because they are so ingrained in our social life pulse. However the number one thing that can be done about any stereotype or privilege is awareness %110. You can't know when you are doing something wrong unless you educate yourself on what it means to be othered etc. The most important things we have are our words and actions. We must speak carefully, wisely, and from a place of love. We must act from a place of integrity, honesty, and openness.
   So you're probably asking what does all of that have to do with the title of the piece My Male Broke Feminist...... well on to that topic.... let's recap first
1) Privilege and Stereotypes exist in our current society
2) Only you can make smart, educated, thoughtful choices for your own existence and in turn betterment of the whole
AND THAT BRINGS US TO 3
3) Surround yourself with people who are standing up for the same

     I want to be around people who are active in being the best kind of people they can be. That's a huge reason why I choose to join my particular Buddhist organization. There are certain things romantically that are %100 deal breakers for me like not being a equal rights ally, being racist, being  elitist and not being a person who can speak from their heart. Today I realized I think a good man for me would be someone who knows what it's like to struggle (that's the broke part) and someone who can truly decide in their heart that equality among the sexes is important (feminist). During my last college class the TA was telling me about how her husband was a feminist and things he did rallies, talking to his friends, standing up for women etc and I was so amazed that a man like that existed. This idea is very important to me because not only do I believe in it but I want to be with someone who does as well. The hardships in life are there because they help us see the joy and the beauty. I'm willing to make a stand to educate myself, be an equal rights ally, and always be open to every individuals story and struggle. Will you do the same?

Pruning Privilege
Cute Cartoon About this Concept 

Becoming Joan

            I have now deemed my new actress role model to be Christina Hendricks. If you have ever watched mad men you can see the persuasive power and sexiness Christina as Joan has throughout the show- she is so frickin awesome. For a few months I was struggling with the idea that I could not be "me" fully at work. Sometimes I want to wear something not in dress code, or spend more then 2 minutes talking to a counselor, and sometimes, I know this one is a shocker, I am not 100% pleasant, joyful, and smiley like my jobs reacquires me to be. I felt so torn from the way I wanted to be and the way I needed to be in order to perform my job well and somewhere in that inner turmoil I made a choice- I will play a character.
    I had already been dabbling with incorporating Joan like qualities into my somewhat similar job of running the center at night. If there is anything truthful about the myths about secretaries it's that they have all the power and knowledge and none of the recognition. I would dress with small retro touches, use subtle suggestion to get the results I needed, and kept up this illusion that I had everything together and under control. I am still utterly shocked when I confess how close I was to loosing it at work and people say "I had no idea you seemed so cool and collected."
           I only fully came to the realization that I had somehow along way made a choice when one college said "You know you sound totally different on the phone like it isn't even you talking" I replied "I know I do it on purpose. Since I can't always be how I want to be or how currently feel which may be sad, angry, hurt etc I am just going to be a character- I'm Joan" he seemed to take this as a satisfactory answer and dropped it. I on the hand was shocked with what had just come out of my mouth clearly my conscious brain was now becoming aware of something my sub conscious has been doing for the past month or so- faking it.
         See like Joan I wield a great deal of power over how things runs because I am in charge of all the rooms and scheduling. I always try my hardest to be fair and equal but you can't tell me someone who gave you a birthday gift and someone who always gives you attitude will fall equally on the likability spectrum- we're human that's just not possible. It's a balancing act between being strong and resilient and being open and friendly. It's a challenge for even the most well rounded individual.
        So today I was particularly not very cheerful after being in a bit of a slump the past week. I found out a decision that effects my future and it's wasn't entirely favorable... I cried. I can not help myself from crying if I feel it it's coming up no matter how potentially embarrassing the environment like lets say an office where a hundred people come and go it can not be contained. I really tried to calm myself I even said I didn't need to take a break but then a friend insisted. I went to the bathroom and let myself bawl my eyes out for one minute to just release it. I literally had a vision in that moment of Joan crying in this one episode after being teased. One minute is all you get then you pull yourself together fix your makeup put on a smile and you go back to work. I unfortunately haven't been wearing makeup and didn't have any with me so there was no hiding these swollen eyes.
         I went to my desk and I smiled and in my head I sang this old charlie chaplin song "Smile though your heart is aching Smile even though it's breaking. When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll see the sun come shining through For you" it helps. Sometimes we don't get to be what we want to be in a given moment so all you can do is the best you can and I learned that from Joan  she says “This is why I don’t allow crying in the break room. It erodes morale. There’s a place to do that, like you’re apartment.” - in a world of power and struggle she found a way to survive and be the envy of all the girls while doing it. I'm still trying to find my way but for now I'm just going to stay in character.

5 Ways I'm Like Joan:

1- She's know what she wants and isn't afraid to ask, push   boundaries, or find a more coy way of getting it
2- She's sexy but covered always classy
3- She can run the entire show and make it look like child's play
4- She knows everything about everything and everyone and yields that power gracefully
5- She's the one everyone wants to pigeonhole but actually she is too dynamic to figure out

More Joan Wisdom:

 "Men don't take the time to end things. They ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate. "

" Well I learned a long time ago to not get all my satisfaction form this job."

Joan (to Peggy): "No matter how powerful we get around here, they can still just draw a cartoon. So all you've done is prove to them that I'm a meaningless secretary, and you're another humorless bitch."

“I was just made Director of Agency Operations. A title, no money of course. And if they poured champagne, it must have been while I was pushing the mailcart.”               

“Fun-loving girl, responsible sometimes. Likes to laugh, lives to love seeks size six for city living and general gallivanting. No dull moments or dull men tolerated.” 

5 Ways I'm like Christina:

1- She's not trying to be a size 2 twig she enjoys having curves
2- She is proud to show off her glasses and makes them look sexy she will even rock them on the red carpet
3- She won't put up with being called different, full figured, or fat she fights back saying i'm a women period
4- She takes her acting roles seriously and is all about creating the character
5- She's been nominated for emmy's and won SAG awards! (ok I haven't done that yet...but just wait)

More Christina Wisdom:

"I don't think any woman in the world could get tired of being compared to Marilyn Monroe."

" I think Joan's advice would be: always know more then anyone else, always be discreet as possible. And never cry at work"

"I thought, well, you might see curves there, but that's just a bone- so even if I lose weight that's not going to change anything. That's how I look. That's my shape. Do the math."

"I've always been someone who really watches other people, human behavior. To watch it and be able to express it through your version has always been really exciting to me"